16yr old refusing to move

[Redtwins2005]

Hi. I'm not one to ask for help but I'm at my darkest. I'm having to move back near my mum as her health is deteriorating but my 16yr old twins are refusing to move with me. They have no job or anywhere to live, not financially able to look after themselves but say they will leave and sofa surf and get a job in Burger King. Can I make them move the 355miles with me or have I no rights now they're 16.
Please please help, im so distraught to think I will lose them

@HeartsAndClubs

Some of the replies here are ridiculous.

Yes, in theory one must put your children first, but they’re 16 not 6. These are children who could choose to move out now, could get married, and in two years will probably bugger off to uni or similar without so much as a backward glance.

And people are saying the OP should always always put them first? Until when? Until they decide otherwise?

The OP is a single parent on a limited income with disabilities of her own. Added to which she lives in a part of the country where the cost of living is steadily rising because of the amount of people who want to move there.

16 year olds aren’t likely going to have much opportunity in Cornwall, so let’s not pretend that the OP is ripping them away from wonderful life opportunities to plunge them into the back of beyond. If anything life will soon get dull for them in Cornwall and they will be looking to get the hell out, much as many youngsters do when they leave school.

And let’s be honest, saying they’ll sofa surf and work in burger king is nothing more than emotional blackmail. Given they apparently don’t have friends, exactly whose sofa are they planning to sleep on? And do they really think the parents of their friends are going to want them there?

I would sit them down, and tell them how it is. Keep your mum out of the equation and explain about the financial side, how you can’t afford to keep living there, and how there will be better opportunities up north. Something which they will undoubtedly be aware of anyway.

If they really choose to move out then so be it. But they have an opportunity to move and if they choose not to take that opportunity then that is their choice.

No wonder we have such a load of entitled adolescents now because their parents give up their own lives for them at cost to themselves.

As for the poster who has a strained relationship with their parents for making them move when younger, get over yourself.

Sometimes people need to realise that life really isn’t all about them.

This for me. OP I think you would have got a lot more supportive posts if you'd led with the financial issues and wanting to be able to help give your DC a better start financially. As it is most people are seeing the moving for mum, DC don't want to side of it and saying DC should come first. The financial information really changed what was in DC best interests, unfortunately that's mostly been overlooked. I'd sit them down, show them the basic financials, here we pay X for rent, they're we can pay y, and home much extra left over.

Moving so far away is a drastic thing to do, especially as your mother is in sheltered accommodation which, presumably, means some help is at hand.

The boys are of an age to be able to decide whether or not they want to go.

You are struggling to make ends meet where you are and it will be no easier if you move nearer to your mother. It might even be worse! Does your mother even want you to move?

Visit her and assess the situation.

@Redtwins2005 You need to move to support your Mum and for financial reasons - completely fair and ultimately very sensible! - and you have disabilities to boot so a higher income would help you (and therefore your kids) enormously.

I’m sorry but it would be a no brainer for me - I would contact SS, explain the situation - say that you are very keen for your boys to come with you and that if they don’t they will require some type of supported accommodation. They have each other, they are under 18 so still come under the remit of SS but they can refuse legally to live with you.

You are not throwing them out - they need to respect the reasons you are making this choice and either willingly accompany you or strike out on their own. They know where you are, they know you love them and your door will always be open should they decide to come home.

Do not let posters on here make you feel like a neglectful Mum - you are clearly not - it seems to me that the alternative is that you stay put, are less well off (with disabilities) and are anxious about Mum - they can regularly visit friends if they move with you xx

Thank you so much for your kind words. People are quick to judge on here without knowing the full story. I think one twin is coming round to the idea and I know the other couldn't live without him so I may have them both with me god willing.
Again, I just want to say thank you

I'm in no way leaving them homeless, can you see anywhere in here that I say that!
They are CHOOSING to leave Me, not the other way round.

I've prioritised my children for the past 30yrs, some mothers couldn't give a toss.

They left school in May of this year so what am I ruining for them?

They left school this May so have nothing for me to spoil only try to make their lives better.

If they’ve left school what are they doing with their time at the moment? What are their plans?

Don't even bother to argue with them; just continue your plans.

When the furniture /TV/fridge and food have gone they'll have no choice other than get in the car and sulk all the way to new home, but there's no need to wear yourself out explaining.discussing the practicalities.

I am amazed at the number of posters who are saying that two sixteen year olds should be allowed to have the final say. Of course it is disruptive but the OP is caught between a rock and a hard place. I know l would move to the other end of the country in order to help a frail parent if needed and it sounds as if the OP also needs a change of direction in her own circumstances. The boys will presumably have finished GCSEs so from that point of view they are in a good position to carry on at college or in training in a different place. Change is difficult but they are old enough to understand why it is happening. They will soon make new friends and with social media it has never been easier to keep up with old friends.

Move to be with your mum. On the day of the move, they will probably go out in a huff so they cant come with you. While they are out pack their clothes, leave a note and money for the train and go. They will be with you in two days, three tops.

@Violinist64

I am amazed at the number of posters who are saying that two sixteen year olds should be allowed to have the final say. Of course it is disruptive but the OP is caught between a rock and a hard place. I know l would move to the other end of the country in order to help a frail parent if needed and it sounds as if the OP also needs a change of direction in her own circumstances. The boys will presumably have finished GCSEs so from that point of view they are in a good position to carry on at college or in training in a different place. Change is difficult but they are old enough to understand why it is happening. They will soon make new friends and with social media it has never been easier to keep up with old friends.

They’re not having the final say. The OP should make the best choice for all involved. If that means the 16 year olds then that’s the best choice. It doesn’t mean that they decided, the OP does.

@Iggly, I was meaning all those posters who were telling the OP how selfish she was being towards her sons and that children should always come first. My point is that sometimes parents have to make big decisions for the greater good and their children have to fall in with them. This does not mean that their wishes are not considered but too many children and young people these days are used to always being the centre of attention and first consideration, which is why there are so many entitled young adults around. In the real world, we all have to learn to fit in with the plans of others.

For goodness sake, sounds like the boys spend almost all their time inside their house anyway. They aren't giving up school or jobs or a big friend circle. No real apprenticeship prospects, either. At 16, they are old enough to understand that sometimes in life, you have to make changes. If you wait two years and want to move then, will they be in any better situation? I'll buck the trend. I'm on your side, OP. You might ask them just how many mates (and mate's) parents are going to let them couch surf for more than a night or so. Also, compare McDonald's wages to actual living expenses. Also, have they ever seen the area where your mom lives? Have you shown them Google Earth as far as what the area is like so it will seem less of an unknown quantity?

@Redtwins2005

They left school in May of this year so what am I ruining for them?

They have to be in school, education or training until eighteen now. So what were their plans for this school year before you decided you wanted to move?

@Redtwins2005

I'm in no way leaving them homeless, can you see anywhere in here that I say that! They are CHOOSING to leave Me, not the other way round.

Where will they go at sixteen?

[quote Violinist64]@Iggly, I was meaning all those posters who were telling the OP how selfish she was being towards her sons and that children should always come first. My point is that sometimes parents have to make big decisions for the greater good and their children have to fall in with them. This does not mean that their wishes are not considered but too many children and young people these days are used to always being the centre of attention and first consideration, which is why there are so many entitled young adults around. In the real world, we all have to learn to fit in with the plans of others.[/quote]
But you don’t know that that is the case here. And actually the greater good may be that the children - who are at a vulnerable stage - do come first.

Or maybe there’s a completely different solution to take other than uproot and move.

There have always been entitled spoiled children. It’s not a new phenomenon.

@Redtwins2005

They left school this May so have nothing for me to spoil only try to make their lives better.

No they are 16 in England, they legally must be in education or training of some sort. They are year 12. Their course might not be being taught in a school, but a college - that doesn't make it any less still compulsory education.

Your mother has other family up north near her. She is in sheltered accommodation and if she needs more than that, you need to contact adult social services/local family to step up for 20 months. (Your twins will finish their year 13 earlier in the year so its only 19/20 months realistically before you can move.)

Can you look for other cheaper accommodation near where you live now? Have you made sure you are claiming all benefits you are entitled to to help?

posters saying the kids should be in education. .yes..But it appears they are not. so those saying they should stay in cornwall are frankly, idiots.

what good is staying in cornwall doing them? they may not want to leave but that doesn't then mean it's automatically wrong.

op you say they are coming round to the idea.,i hope so...to my mind you are doing what is best not only for your mum, but also you and your children.

I’m sorry it sounds like you’re in a tricky situation, but sofa surfing is a form of homelessness. You would be moving hundreds of miles away and leaving your children essentially homeless, and I believe unable to apply for benefits since there’s been changes to the system. You say your mum can’t be housed in Cornwall as no family ties there, but you and your children are based there.

@olivermcfuddling

posters saying the kids should be in education. .yes..But it appears they are not. so those saying they should stay in cornwall are frankly, idiots. what good is staying in cornwall doing them? they may not want to leave but that doesn't then mean it's automatically wrong.

op you say they are coming round to the idea.,i hope so...to my mind you are doing what is best not only for your mum, but also you and your children.

I think the point posters are trying to make is that most 16 year olds should already have plans for now - college, sixth form, an apprenticeship etc. so moving them now will be incredibly disruptive as they may not be able to find an equivalent position in their new home.

But 16 years do need to be in education of some form, which can include apprenticeships. They cant just be doing nothing. They aren't legally allowed to just stop at 16, so if the OP has let them just drift without enrolling them into a school /college etc for year 12, this is a bigger problem than they won't move up north near grandmother.

They must be in some form of education. She didn't say they had jobs already. OP, what are they doing for year 12 & 13? Have they just started courses? Have you checked if they can move to the same courses near where you want to move them and those colleges/schools have places? You can't just take them out of education at 16. The education doesn't have to happen in a traditional school 6th form, but legally it has to happen. (And no I don't buy the op is home schooling them.)

Although 16 year olds are supposed to be in education or training. There is no penalty if they are not.

It's a clever trick that politicians have played in us by using ambiguous words about post 16 education.

Compulsory school age remains 16 and it becomes participation age till 18. Children are encouraged to remain in education, training OR employment after the age of 16. That's why we have been unable to get alternative provision for post 16 but thats besides the point.

There's always a fine line that parents have to walk when making decisions and it's always so complicated. OP needs to decide what's important and her assessment of life chances for the kids, her own prospects and needing to be close to (and presumably reconnect with) her mum sounds sensible. I'm leaning towards saying stick to your guns, try to persuade the twins and maybe ask they to offer an alternative that helps everyone get what they want out of the situation. If they can do some research and persuade you to stay and show you some angle you may be missing out on, it's worth reviewing together. And if that works, please share coz I am yet to get anything coherent out of mine.

I'm starting to believe that there is never a single right solution but a range of reasonable options for most situations. Good luck