16yr old refusing to move

[Redtwins2005]

Hi. I'm not one to ask for help but I'm at my darkest. I'm having to move back near my mum as her health is deteriorating but my 16yr old twins are refusing to move with me. They have no job or anywhere to live, not financially able to look after themselves but say they will leave and sofa surf and get a job in Burger King. Can I make them move the 355miles with me or have I no rights now they're 16.
Please please help, im so distraught to think I will lose them

Strange thread

What is the other twin doing, educationally?

I don’t think op sounds selfish at all. She sounds caught in a really difficult place where she is struggling badly for money and can see a way out.

Yes, it’s difficult to move homes as a teen but honestly it hardly sounds like the move of a selfish and self absorbed mother who doesn’t care about her kids.

I have and will always put all my 4 boys 1st for the past 30 years. I wouldn't mind if the situation was different, they have only been here for 2 years. One twin never goes out of the door and o ky has Internet friends from school, I think he's been out 3 times in the past 24months. The other only goes out with his g/f (which is a toxic relationship). So they don't have a life as such.....

It's not all about looking after my mother, it's about being more financially stable for my boys. That's all I am trying to do.... Make their life a little better instead of just sitting in a garden because we can't afford the petrol for the car to go anywhere. Can't walk as I'm disabled myself but one lad doesnt even want to come outwith me. The other just sits in his room all day on the x box. What kind of life is this we have? To go up north it will save me so much money to help them save for their own place at 18.

Looking for an apprenticeship.

Thank you for that msg. You actually made me cry, somebody who truly understands me. It's the hardest decision I will have to make but all I want is to have some money to help my boys. If we moved I could actually save for deposits for their future and its not like its forever, just a couple of years and they can live anywhere in the world but as it stands now, I can't even buy 2nd hand shoes for myself as these on my feet ha e holes with cardboard in. They know how much I love them and everything I do in my life is just for them.

@Redtwins2005

It's not all about looking after my mother, it's about being more financially stable for my boys. That's all I am trying to do.... Make their life a little better instead of just sitting in a garden because we can't afford the petrol for the car to go anywhere. Can't walk as I'm disabled myself but one lad doesnt even want to come outwith me. The other just sits in his room all day on the x box. What kind of life is this we have? To go up north it will save me so much money to help them save for their own place at 18.

Read your Op. it was all about moving back to look after your mum. You've just read the replies and decided to change your story.

Realistically if one kid doesn't want to come out with you now and is happy glued to the Xbox, moving isn't going to change that is it.

And why are you so keen to save money for somewhere for them
To live at 18 - will you be booting them out then?

redtwins Your life sounds very hard with your disability and children with SEN, and additionally struggling for money. I hear you, and it sounds really hard, but please pause for a moment because it is all muddled together.

1. You could move to a smaller place in the same area if you are looking to make some small savings

2. What help and support do you have in place for the twin that hasn't left the house. If you haven't already please call the GP and get some intervention in place to help him. If you are thinking to relocate how would that even work if he can't leave the house? It could make him even worse and increase the anxiety. For his sake he needs help before a huge 355 mile move elsewhere

3. Your other son is entitled to have a teen relationship, even if you don't approve, and this might be one of the main reasons he does not wish to move.

4. The chances of the boys leaving with you are very slim from what you have told us, so I think you need to have a plan B ready. Your move to your mother's house does not sound realistic at the moment.

Do you have RL support and help in place? It sounds really hard for you, and this could be behind your wish to escape. If you are finding it hard to cope, maybe it is time to address the root of the issues, as running away you are likely to take your problems with you. A lesson I had to learn the hard way, many of us do, you need to start addressing the problems op

OP, it's clear you are struggling generally and it sounds very all-consuming for you which is not surprising as you have a lot on your plate.

Is there someone in RL that can help you sort the wheat from the chaff as your posts seem a little muddled e.g saving £400 on rent then £600.

I may have missed it but are to wanting to move up north as you're in Cornwall or is it your mother who lives there?

How old are your two other sons? Can they help you?

You seem to be thinking that a move will sort everything out but it may not be that straightforward.

It might be a good idea to get a clear head by tackling each aspect separately with someone before you make any major decisions.

You can’t force unwilling 16 year olds to move, it’s just not fair on them. They are your priority, not your mum.

I have never forgiven my mum for forcing me to to move away from my home at a slightly younger age than your dc are, and it has affected our relationship for decades.

@NailsNeedDoing maybe you need to get over yourself a bit. Life involves changes - including moves - and cant always be run round a young teen.

moving up north sounds like the solution. .If u haven't already sit down down and tell them the reality of the situation. how are they going to sofa surf.,They don't seem to leave the house much. moving could be the making of them.

Poor kids. Are they still at school? Personally my children are more important than my parents. If she can't cope alone for another two years she will have to go into residential care. Not everyone has family to look after them.

You need to prioritise your children. It's completely understandable that they don't want to move, to be honest.

Your kids would go in sheltered accommodation if they won’t go with you. I know out of the two choices I’m sorry but I’d have to think of my kids and their future, what does your mum say on this?

OP, do you currently work?

Can you work if you move?

If you are not able to work, won’t the majority of rent savings be cancelled out by benefits reduction?

Sorry if I am misunderstanding the system.

Your rent situation does sound very hard.

Thank you for clarifying the situation with the twins. It doesn’t seem as if they need to stay for education reasons.

@Redtwins2005

If your mum is in sheltered accommodation and her health is deteriorating she maybe needs to be in a nursing home perhaps and if that is the case you can apply for a place near you as it's closer to facilitate family visits

My aunt was in social housing in London and moved to a warden controlled place but had a stroke needs a nursing home now

All us lot are in Nottinghamshire and Lincolnshire (she moved for work years ago) and we got a place for her so she was closer for family visits no trouble as there's such a demand for warden controlled places they were grateful to her vacating it

I'd explore this option first

Your children however should always always be your priority and if my Mum had wanted to move me at 16 I doubt I'd be very happy either to be honest

I do not think this is about your Mum. Therefore I would take that out of the reasoning with your sons. I am guessing they do not see much of your Mum so will not understand why their world is turning upside down for her. This is about money (and no harm in that). I live in Cornwall and understand about the high rents, shortage of housing (moving smaller and cheaper is not an option)..Your boys will be scared. Make the plans to move North but make it about opportunities not looking after gran. Talk about everything positively- Also remember teenagers do not think beyond the here and now so dont focus on the long term future just the next 6 to 12 months - it might not work but a better option to where you are now.

You could paint a picture of the exciting opportunities for life up north - study, jobs, social opportunities etc. Then contrast it with the lack of anything in Cornwall. Try to make a move sound exciting.
They won't be eligible for housing benefit until they are 25 and Cornwall has notoriously low wages and high unemployment - with a need for transport.

@Redtwins2005

I have tried to move my mum closer but I only live in private rented accommodation, mother is in secure accommodation and because she has no family ties in Cornwall, I have been told that she wouldn't be entitled to council property. I know how hard this is for my boys and its breaking my heart.

But she has family ties wherever you live...

What sort of conversation have you tried to have with them. It's sounds like there is a lot to unpack

Some of the replies here are ridiculous.

Yes, in theory one must put your children first, but they’re 16 not 6. These are children who could choose to move out now, could get married, and in two years will probably bugger off to uni or similar without so much as a backward glance.

And people are saying the OP should always always put them first? Until when? Until they decide otherwise?

The OP is a single parent on a limited income with disabilities of her own. Added to which she lives in a part of the country where the cost of living is steadily rising because of the amount of people who want to move there.

16 year olds aren’t likely going to have much opportunity in Cornwall, so let’s not pretend that the OP is ripping them away from wonderful life opportunities to plunge them into the back of beyond. If anything life will soon get dull for them in Cornwall and they will be looking to get the hell out, much as many youngsters do when they leave school.

And let’s be honest, saying they’ll sofa surf and work in burger king is nothing more than emotional blackmail. Given they apparently don’t have friends, exactly whose sofa are they planning to sleep on? And do they really think the parents of their friends are going to want them there?

I would sit them down, and tell them how it is. Keep your mum out of the equation and explain about the financial side, how you can’t afford to keep living there, and how there will be better opportunities up north. Something which they will undoubtedly be aware of anyway.

If they really choose to move out then so be it. But they have an opportunity to move and if they choose not to take that opportunity then that is their choice.

No wonder we have such a load of entitled adolescents now because their parents give up their own lives for them at cost to themselves.

As for the poster who has a strained relationship with their parents for making them move when younger, get over yourself.

Sometimes people need to realise that life really isn’t all about them.

@HeartsAndClubs I agree.
I think by proposing to move OP is putting her kids first. Maybe different if they had a decent life there...job or studying..but they don't.

Sometimes being a parent is more than just giving in to your kids.

NailsNeedDoing.
I understand were your coming from but its not the same for everyone, I was taken from school and moved all the way to Devon. I was devastated, Hated everyone and everything. But as I got older, I found it was the best move for me at the time.