Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

16yr old refusing to move

175 replies

Redtwins2005 · 09/09/2021 03:01

Hi. I'm not one to ask for help but I'm at my darkest. I'm having to move back near my mum as her health is deteriorating but my 16yr old twins are refusing to move with me. They have no job or anywhere to live, not financially able to look after themselves but say they will leave and sofa surf and get a job in Burger King. Can I make them move the 355miles with me or have I no rights now they're 16.
Please please help, im so distraught to think I will lose them

OP posts:
LukeEvansWife · 09/09/2021 08:47

And if they stay and then move out in a couple of years, the OP is stuck with expensive housing away from her family. But then of course she can move I suppose 🙄

LukeEvansWife · 09/09/2021 08:52

Actually they get treated well but many of them clearly can’t be arsed to be there and think they can do what they want

zenthoughtsonlythanks · 09/09/2021 08:52

Luke she has no family, read the op, her family are in the north. She will be the only one in Cornwall caring for her mother. As it stands she is set to lose her children, as well as her mother.

At this stage in their lives it is very hard to move away from friends, and everything they have known. It is quite selfish to ask them to start again somewhere they have no wish to be, there is a lot of poverty and unemployment in Cornwall.

Op should move, if she still wants to, when the boys are old enough to live alone, they certainly aren't at sixteen, and her responsibility is to care for them. The mother is being looked after already.

Beamur · 09/09/2021 08:53

My comment about hospitality was in response to the kids saying if Mum moved they would stay behind and sofa surf. At 16 presumably that means their friends parents.
OP hasn't said how much the rent is going up by.
But it would save her a lot of money in renting and she would be nearer her elderly Mum if she moved.
Agree though that whilst at 16 your friends are your world, that can change massively once you hit 18 and lots of them might go off to university

zenthoughtsonlythanks · 09/09/2021 08:57

The boy's life chances will plummet if they are effectively homeless (sofa surfing) at such a young age. What happens when one day there isn't a sofa available to them? They may end up on the streets. Meanwhile op is 'caring' for a mother that already has a very good set up and is being cared for in sheltered accommodation.

How do you suppose the boys will feel about their mother leaving them, it could be very damaging or cause the entire breakdown of their relationship. We should be committed at least to supporting and caring for our children until adulthood at the very least, and that includes putting them first at times.

Iggly · 09/09/2021 08:57

@LukeEvansWife

Actually they get treated well but many of them clearly can’t be arsed to be there and think they can do what they want
They’re usually paid peanuts iirc
ittakes2 · 09/09/2021 08:59

I am sorry it sounds tough - but if your mum if eligible for sheltered accommodation is she not eligible for the help you feel you need to give her? I realise you are in an impossible situation as both your mum and your boys need you right now.

Farfalle88 · 09/09/2021 08:59

Your priority is your children not your mother. Wait till they are 18 and iff tonUni before your move back. It’s unfair to ask them to uproot their lives at this age. New schools, no friends. It isn’t fair.

LukeEvansWife · 09/09/2021 09:02

Being paid peanuts isn’t the fault of the person training them though. Most of us were paid peanuts when we started work (largely because until we had training and experience, there were lots of resources going into us and not much coming oit)

zenthoughtsonlythanks · 09/09/2021 09:08

Kids have it really tough at the moment, making things even harder for them at this point is quite unkind. They need all the help and support they can get.

zenthoughtsonlythanks · 09/09/2021 09:09

Being paid peanuts isn’t the fault of the person training them though.

Actually it is, if you are choosing to be part of the exploitation of young people.

HavelockVetinari · 09/09/2021 09:11

If you look on the NSPCC website it states that children's services should house any child 16-18 who can't live at home.

www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/in-the-home/moving-out/

ineedaholidayandwine · 09/09/2021 09:11

I agree with PP's that you should stay until they 18, but i would be explaining the financial side of things and telling them that in order to be able to afford to stay they need a job and to contribute towards the rent.

LukeEvansWife · 09/09/2021 09:12

Anyway I’m derailing

I’m sure the OP will sort things oit

PineappleWilson · 09/09/2021 09:13

Have I read it right that you're in Cornwall and your mum is further north? In that case, I'm not sure why you've been told that your mum has no contacts in Cornwall, if you live there, so it might be worth seeing if you can get housing for the 4 of you together but I would also look at job prospects for your kids near your mum's as job prospects for year round decent jobs in cornwall aren't always great.

twinningatlife · 09/09/2021 09:14

I know someone whose parents left her in the U.K. at 16 and moved to Spain - she was put in a halls of residence type accommodation at college

I can understand why they wouldn't want to leave. Problem is as harsh as it sounds you are uprooting their entire lives for their grandmother who best will in the world may not have many years left - and then what? You've moved them from their homes, lives, friends etc for nothing?

If your other is in secure accommodation what extra help would you realistically be providing?

Dillydollydingdong · 09/09/2021 09:15

Your mum is living in good, suitable accommodation and doesn't actually need you. I'm sure she would like to have you close but she doesn't need you. Your boys need you more.

Islamorada · 09/09/2021 09:15

What a difficult situation for you OP. I would put off moving closer to your mother until they are 18. In the meantime make sure they are motivated to work and to prosper. If they could start working may be they can help you a bit with the rent as is one of the reasons you are moving At least they would be happy that they are not moving.

I wish you all the best.

MydogWillow · 09/09/2021 09:15

Sorry to hear of your difficult circumstances.

If you're struggling financially your DC's should already be contributing to the household with part time jobs assuming they're still in education. Is there a reason they're not working already? They should be fully aware of your position and dilemma.

Have a chat with your LL and come to a compromise with the rent.

I don't know anything about elderly care provision so can't give any advice I'm afraid, but your mother has care in place. Any extra care can be sorted.

While it's awful for you to be in this position, at 16 your DC's must come first. Uprooting them at this age would be pretty harsh. Leaving them will be harder as you know.

Their solution of sofa-surfing and making ends meet shows how little they understand the real world and how much they still need your guidance.

I think the first step is to get on top of your finances with help from your DC's, and then things won't seem so overwhelming.

Good luck. It can absolutely be sorted if you break everything down into manageable chunks. Finances first.

SoulfulSal · 09/09/2021 09:15

No op, you don't have to move. You're choosing to.

As others have stated, your mother isn't going to be abandoned in an alley somewhere. If she's ill and needs care and has no assets or family nearby, SS will arrange it.

It breathtakingly unfair to expect to move two 16 year olds 350 miles away. They don't want to for quite obvious reasons. You're prioritising your mother over your dc and to be frank, if you left them at 16 OR if you somehow force them to move they'll probably never forgive you.

If your financial situation is difficult then address that. But do it in the area that YOU chose to bring up your dc in and put them first.

TheWeatherWitch · 09/09/2021 09:17

I agree with the majority who are telling you your children must come first.

But of course I understand that you are anxious for your mother. The thing is, you mum is in a safe environment. Perfectly suited to her needs. She has wardens to be there for her if she needs them. You leave your daughters behind and who would they have?

Put your children first.

SoulfulSal · 09/09/2021 09:19

And in regards to the general 'oh but I'll have a better lifestyle in x area, hundreds of miles away' - this was a decision to make 5 or 10 years ago.

You've made your choices now. By the time your dc are 16 you've kind of missed the boat to make a decision as to where 'home' is for you and your children. The decision is already final - home for your children is and always will be where they are now.

JustFrustrated · 09/09/2021 09:20

I was 16, just, when my mom blew up our family life. She left the family home and my step dad moved him and his younger brother 200 miles away. The offer was to go with him, but my life was where I'd spent 16 years.

So I stayed. And sofa surfed. And it took 5 years before any kind of normality resumed, basically it took getting pregnant to focus me. You don't want that for your children. My life is amazing now, but it shouldn't have been so hard to get it to there. And the emotional damage, and relationship damage with me and her is forever.

Don't do it.

LoislovesStewie · 09/09/2021 09:27

[quote HavelockVetinari]If you look on the NSPCC website it states that children's services should house any child 16-18 who can't live at home.

www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/in-the-home/moving-out/[/quote]
And the first question that social services will ask is why you have abandoned them. They will seek to get your children reunited with you and if that doesn't work it could be foster care or some other supported accommodation. Do you really want them to start out their sort of adult lives like that?

user1493494961 · 09/09/2021 09:28

I think you need to prioritise your children.