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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

16yr old refusing to move

175 replies

Redtwins2005 · 09/09/2021 03:01

Hi. I'm not one to ask for help but I'm at my darkest. I'm having to move back near my mum as her health is deteriorating but my 16yr old twins are refusing to move with me. They have no job or anywhere to live, not financially able to look after themselves but say they will leave and sofa surf and get a job in Burger King. Can I make them move the 355miles with me or have I no rights now they're 16.
Please please help, im so distraught to think I will lose them

OP posts:
ShingleBeach · 09/09/2021 09:32

OP: what school year are they in and how will moving schools, now, affect their exam timetable and education?

TitoMojito · 09/09/2021 09:38

I think we need more info on your DSs situation. Are they still at school? Are they planning to complete their education at school? Did they have plans for 6th form college or college in general? If you do move, what are their prospects in the new place? What school will they attend? What college options will they have?

What aspects of their lives will be affected by the move? If it's going to have a detrimental affect on their education, you have to consider that.

ShuddaBeenMe · 09/09/2021 09:40

I would make sure my kids were okay. Your mum sound like she's being looked after by the warden already.

MydogWillow · 09/09/2021 09:40

Just to add, I can see that your dilemma was perhaps driven by a sense of panic? Rent going up, struggling already, mother needs me, cheaper area, move, problem solved.

Aside from your DC's, you have your own disabilities to consider. They will be leaving home at some point. Would you be happy being away from everything you know? I imagine it would also be very difficult to move back. Please also think about your future.

Womenopause · 09/09/2021 09:48

Your sons are supposed to be in education or training at the age of 16. You don't mention any plans for that. As PP have said you seem to be panicking. Please think about your children's future before you take this drastic step.

narkyspirit · 09/09/2021 09:50

It's a hard decision to make, when I was 16 and in my last year at school my father got himself a job at the other end of the country and decided we where moving. So being different exam boards etc I landed up with 2 school years of work to catch up with in essentially 2 terms before exams, as you can imagine it was tough and I did spectacularly badly with results. My parents especially father where of no help at all.

If you plan to move maybe consider using the saving on your rent to help your kids rent somewhere local soo they can continue their education and be with friends.

GoWalkabout · 09/09/2021 10:04

Don't leave them OP

30mph · 09/09/2021 10:09

Children first. And at 16yrs they are in a transition period where they need extra adult support, guidance and care, very similar to the toddler phase. What on earth are you thinking?

SpecialchildSupermum · 09/09/2021 10:12

Put your children first. They are only 16, and may not be mature 16 year olds? As much as you want to be nearer your mum, she will have at least her physical needs met. Where as there’s no guarantee that your 16 year olds will!

Poppydot3 · 09/09/2021 10:24

OP, you say you’re ‘having to move back’ to help your mum. She seems to be very well looked after at the moment. If she deteriorates, then SS will be there for her. You really don’t ‘need’ to uproot your kids for her sake. But you do need to stay with your twins. They are your responsibility. Surely you can’t put your mother first in this situation ?
Poor kids. Find somewhere cheaper to live and ask your twins to help you solve this problem.

saraclara · 09/09/2021 10:33

I don't know why people are saying that OP's mum is well looked after at the moment. Her home is suitable, but apart from a warden checking that she's alive every day, OP hasn't mentioned any care support. We don't know if her mum can shop or prepare meals any more, for instance. Or bathe or shower safely.

OP, we really do need more information in order to advise you. About your boys educational situation, about your mother's needs, and about who else lives near her to support her (or who is just as responsible for her and could move instead of you)

lunar1 · 09/09/2021 10:41

What are your twins doing right now for education?

Your mum does have contacts where you are. She has her daughter and grandchildren.

Nothing on earth would make me consider leaving my children's 16, your mum needs to come to you.

Pinkbonbon · 09/09/2021 10:45

Why dont you tell the kids to get those jobs in macdonalds and contribute to the household. They are old enough to know that housing costs money. And old enough to work.

People will give you crap about school and exams but the fact is theres nothing stopping them working part time and earning. Also, exams can be taken in college at any point in life. Just make sure they get a couple of passes before leaving school so that if they need to go back and study, they can.
But maybe theyll have worked their way up in their current jobs and be in no rush.

Let's face it, it doesn't sound like you'll be able to afford uni for them, so they probably should get practical starts.

Once you know they are both earning, you actually could move away closer to your mum if need be. You gotta live a place you can afford to live and that's all there is to it.

Pinkbonbon · 09/09/2021 11:00

Also, let's be honest op, after a few months on their pals sofas and inability to find a job, they'll end up moving in with you wherever you are anyway. So I wouldn't worry too much. You could just tell them that you need to move because you cant afford it here so they are welcome to stay and fend for themselves if thats what they really want but that your door is always open.

Original poster
Redtwins2005 · 09/09/2021 11:02

NO... If course not! I know moving back isn't an option for me atm but they could have an amazing life with more money coming in the household, family around them, lots of apprentiships to choose from, as there's none here.
I even told them I would buy them a scooter each so they have more free time to go where they want. This is ripping me apart inside as all I want is the best for my boys. I just can't afford to live here anymore so what am I supposed to do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Redtwins2005 · 09/09/2021 11:05

This is what I have told them. They know the financial struggles I am in right now but at 16 we are all selfish and can't see beyond what they want. When I move, my rent will drop by £600 so why can't they see our lives woukd be so much richer and it's not forever as we will save for the next 2yrs for a deposit for wherever they want to live at 18.

OP posts:
Original poster
Redtwins2005 · 09/09/2021 11:09

Ty for that. One of the boys didn't pass any exams at school due to finding out he has Aspergers Syndrome, I can't see him being able to cope in the big bad world yet on his own but he's the one who will run away then it's anvokving the police and social services which I defo don't want for my kids. We have been a very close family up until now as being a single parent for so long, they're my life.

OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 09/09/2021 11:10

OP, they are being normal 16yos - YOU are being selfish.

You will just need to wait. And be nice and kind about it too. These are your DC and you should prioritise them for the next couple of years. Then you can move. You sound so self absorbed.

They don’t want scooters, they want stability.

notthemum · 09/09/2021 11:14

As far as I am aware, Unless your children have apprenticeships/full time in college they have to now remain in school until they are 18.
If this is the case with yours, I don't see that they have any choice.
However, there are two of them. Hopefully they get on well, how soon do you need to move ?
Childrens father ?
Will the council not help you ? If so you could live where ever and put in for an exchange.
Could you talk to the boys, explain the total problems that you are facing ? It is two years, if they move with you then they could legally do as they please.

titchy · 09/09/2021 11:17

I agree you're being totally selfish here. You have children. THEY are your priority, not your mother. She's in safe secure accommodation. You don't NEED to be near her, you want to be. Your kids need to be in college. Start prioritising finding somewhere suitable for them to go URGENTLY. You should have done that months ago tbh.

Farfalle88 · 09/09/2021 11:32

@Redtwins2005

This is what I have told them. They know the financial struggles I am in right now but at 16 we are all selfish and can't see beyond what they want. When I move, my rent will drop by £600 so why can't they see our lives woukd be so much richer and it's not forever as we will save for the next 2yrs for a deposit for wherever they want to live at 18.
Your life might be richer. They will be completely disrupted.
zenthoughtsonlythanks · 09/09/2021 11:37

It is not about you op, and what is best for you. At this point, particularly at this point you have to listen to them.

We have been a very close family up until now as being a single parent for so long, they're my life

Well not for much longer if you decide to force the issue. The savings you make on rent will be dwarfed by the loss of your children, your life. Your mother hasn't long for this world, for two more years stick it out where you are. Your boys already sound like they are struggling, so leaving them to become homeless is only going to make their future life chances even smaller.

PlanDeRaccordement · 09/09/2021 11:40

Your mum is in safe, supported housing, she doesn’t really need you now. But your children need you now.

I would stay where you are for next two years. Look into council tax exemption or claiming PIP as you say you are disabled as well. You can negotiate with your landlord as well and maybe reduce the rent increase.

Hothammock · 09/09/2021 11:41

Sorry but being unable to afford your current accomodation is a completely different motivator from needing to move to care for your mum. You need to be clear about what the real issue is here before you can hope to find a solution. Its your job to care for your kids and not to make them feel like a burden to the extent they are pushed out to sofa surf and take jobs at burger king. I hope this thread helps you find the right perspective .

igiveup2021 · 09/09/2021 11:43

Your children need you more.
Your mum is safe, being looked after and supported.
Why risk leaving your children homeless just so you can support your mother when she's already getting support?

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