Page 2 | 16yr old refusing to move

Redtwins2005 · 2021-09-09T02:01:21+00:00

Hi. I'm not one to ask for help but I'm at my darkest. I'm having to move back near my mum as her health is deteriorating but my 16yr old twins are refusing to move with me. They have no job or anywhere to live, not financially able to look after themselves but say they will leave and sofa surf and get a job in Burger King. Can I make them move the 355miles with me or have I no rights now they're 16. Please please help, im so distraught to think I will lose them

Matilda82 · 09/09/2021 05:24

I think you need to prioritise your DCs until they are 18. Can you visit your mother more frequently? Arrange for a social services assesment? If she's in council accomodation now can you arrange a swap for her to move to you?

Soubriquet · 09/09/2021 05:25

It’s a hard one but if your mum genuinely needs help, then that is what it is.

I would let your ds’s know that staying behind is not an option. If they still refuse, let them couch surf now so they realise it isn’t as easy as it looks

Kanaloa · 09/09/2021 05:25

Are there other problems? It sounds like there might be. Is there no way you can speak to the boys, and make them aware of the situation? At 16 I was living alone and would have easily been able to comprehend that unfortunately if you can’t afford rent then you might have to move to a cheaper area. It’s not ideal but it doesn’t sound like they’re behaving well either, they will be off to uni (presumably) in a year and can make their own choices on where to live then.

Kanaloa · 09/09/2021 05:27

I do agree that their feelings need to be considered however, but they also need to consider the entire situation whereby their mum is struggling to make ends meet and is disabled, and their grandmother is very unwell.

Do you believe they’d really sofa surf and work at Burger King? I’d let them know it won’t be what it’s cracked up to be with no parental help.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 09/09/2021 05:32

I agree with you. Your mother needs family near her, and you would benefit from the cheaper rent and the ability to oversee your mother's daily care, even if you were not her carer.
It is very unfortunate that your children are so selfish that they prioritize hanging with their mates over the life of their grandmother. You had better make plans to take care of yourself and just trust the government services when you become older and more disabled. Clearly they have no sense of responsibility to family.

OxanaVorontsova · 09/09/2021 06:05

If they’re 16 they should be in some form of training, employment or education, it’s the law. They need you as much as your mum does, although they may not admit or realise it. My twins are a year older and I couldn’t tear them away from their life after everything they’ve had to deal with over the last 18 months. Is there a compromise eg you spend weekends with your mum?

Faultymain5 · 09/09/2021 06:15

@Kanaloa

I do agree that their feelings need to be considered however, but they also need to consider the entire situation whereby their mum is struggling to make ends meet and is disabled, and their grandmother is very unwell.

Do you believe they’d really sofa surf and work at Burger King? I’d let them know it won’t be what it’s cracked up to be with no parental help.

Unfortunately that’s what teenagers can be like. And how they’re raised will have a bearing on how they see the situation.

My kids are quite pliable so I’m not sure how to deal with this refusal. I think someone mentioned showing them the budget. I think that’s a good place to start. Get them involved in the decision making. A dose of reality is what they need.

Iggly · 09/09/2021 06:19

If they could get a job then they should get a job now and help to contribute to the family finances now.

I suspect OP you want to move as well to save money. Does your mum want you to move?

purplesequins · 09/09/2021 06:19

16 yo
they should not have their education disrupted.
you either need to arrange a place to stay with them or you need to stay with them until they can go off to college/uni or start an apprenticeship.
those couple of last school years are vital.
your mum is in sheltered housing already.
arrange as many visits as you can, but don't let your children's education suffer.

nicecheesegromit · 09/09/2021 06:21

I think your kids need you more than your mum does as she sounds like she has a big support network of care around her. Don't move, support the twins to get established in work / further education, then maybe move when they have found their feet. It would be really harsh to wrench them from their roots now.

CassandraTrotter · 09/09/2021 06:27

What are the children actually doing atm? You were not clear. Do they not have another parent who could help?

Whinginadeville · 09/09/2021 06:29

You can't afford to live where you are, you have no support and you want to move. These are wise decisions off even if you weren't considering your mum. Your boys are being very selfish and I'd move, making sure there's a bedroom and a college for them.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 09/09/2021 06:33

Your children can't just find themselves somewhere to live realistically it will be very difficult for them. HOWEVER if they refuse to go with you they could end up in very vulnerable positions.
Is there any way you can stick it out for two more years until they are 18 and that much older and more able to be independent?
It's really hard being so far away from an elderly parent and I empathise about living in an expensive area but also you have children who are settled there and don't want to move hundreds of miles away and I don't blame them.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 09/09/2021 06:34

@Whinginadeville

You can't afford to live where you are, you have no support and you want to move. These are wise decisions off even if you weren't considering your mum. Your boys are being very selfish and I'd move, making sure there's a bedroom and a college for them.

It's not selfish for 16 year olds not to want to leave everything they know and move 400 miles away.

Bagelsandbrie · 09/09/2021 06:46

Tell them that’s fine then but they need to share a bedroom so you can free up a spare room to rent out as you need the money … see how they like that option instead.

NOTANUM · 09/09/2021 06:48

It's interesting that you don't even mention where they are with their lives - college, A levels, apprenticeship etc. I assume they've just started some form of educational course?
Cornwall is expensive as you're finding. Imagine trying to survive with a job from Burger King working part-time. It's too much to expect from 16 yos.
I would personally advocate for my mum but from afar. It's only two more years.

Stircraazy · 09/09/2021 06:48

It's not selfish for 16 year olds not to want to leave everything they know and move 400 miles away.

DCs imv would never move anywhere because moving schools, moving to a new area is a bit scary and risks them being lonely as you leave what you know behind.
However - we all know you can move and make new friends, new experiences, perhaps better job opportunities.
Can DM pay for a carer? ARe you moving in with her? If not what happens when she can' manage in her home and moves to a care home, how soon might that be.
How much would a property be where you move to.
Can't DM get carers to call in.

This just doesn't seem properly thought through.

RightYesButNo · 09/09/2021 06:48

What do you mean “everybody” is up north? But yet none of them are in Cornwall with your mother. If there is an “everybody” (I assume you mean you have other siblings) why have you been selected to uproot your children and help your mother? Why not them? My mother was “selected” by her siblings to care for her parents; it was absolute horseshit. But she was the easiest target because she was divorced and I lived with my gran.

I feel like there must be some outside pressure telling you that you will be an ideal caregiver for your mother (maybe even it’s your mother saying this). You are NOT. You have disabilities of your own and you’re not done raising your own children. Period. Either she needs to go up north where “everybody” is, or if sheltered accommodation isn’t enough anymore, she needs to move into care. Yes, it’s difficult, but you are not currently in a place to provide stop-gap care.

As for how expensive your rent is, if someone has convinced you or you’ve convinced yourself that it’s the perfect answer to move closer to your mother… just stop for a second. Sit down with your children. Show them a budget and how much the rent costs. Tell them you would like to stay, you don’t want to uproot them, but you all need to come up with an answer about the rent - a cheaper place nearby that still allows them the same friends and college, them getting jobs that contribute to rent, etc. Time for honesty. If they were going to live independently, they would have had to face it anyway.

But no, OP, you cannot become your mother’s caregiver if it means you stop raising your children. 16 just isn’t ready yet. Statistics show they will struggle with poverty their whole lives.

Lolabray · 09/09/2021 06:49

I’m a single parent and I think my boys come first and how they feel their friendships mean a lot to them, but I feel for you in this situation.

Tailendofsummer · 09/09/2021 06:51

I'm having to move back near my mum
OP you haven't said anything which explains this statement? Many people never move back near ageing parents. She sound like she is in suitable, safe accommodation. What is it exactly that has led to this current impetus to move?
If it is financial, can you explain that to your sons as they might be agreeable to getting part time jobs but giving the money to the family.

LukeEvansWife · 09/09/2021 06:57

Can’t believe so many posters are saying you shouldn’t move (even though your mum needs you and it would be financially better for you) on the whim of a couple of teens! Are they going to cover the increase to your rent? Thought not

They need to suck it up - when they are earning, they can live where they want.

FreeBritnee · 09/09/2021 06:57

I think you need to reframe this. You can’t afford to continue to stay in your property so you either need to stay local to where you are but find a cheaper property to rent or you move area completely and find a way to help your kids stay where they are.

Personally I would be trying to figure out a way to help my kids whilst moving to be with my mum. So I’d be approaching family, friends and investigating job opportunities for them. I assume their dad isn’t around?

Okbutnotgreat · 09/09/2021 07:00

Surely you are the family tie that would enable her to move closer to you? We moved my mum into extra care housing near us for same reasons and she was entitled to as we live in same town but no other link to the area. No way would I want to uproot 16 year olds if there was any alternative.

rainbowandglitter · 09/09/2021 07:03

Have you got a job for yourself lined up where your mum is? Is the job market OK there? Your mum is in sheltered housing sp should be OK and have help available when needed.
I'd put your sons first for now.

LegendaryReady · 09/09/2021 07:03

I don't think you can move, but as the Twins solution is to get jobs and "support" themselves could they do that and contribute at home? I wouldn't usually suggest taking keep from children still at school but if needs must?

That way they get some control over their own lives and you can afford to stay.

Is there any possibility that your mum's local council would house her near you? Presumably if you aren't nearby, they'll be paying for care for her so they might see that as a good solution? I know we have families from other local authorities housed and paid for here.