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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dd and her appalling dress sense!

230 replies

Ifeelmuchlessfat · 30/07/2021 15:27

I have a lovely bubbly 15yo dd.
She’s had her body issues over the years (12/13yo) as was always bigger and taller than her peers, but now somehow seems fine about herself. She’s very large chested and hipped with a small waist and big bum, so probably quite fashionable, but is also frankly a bit overweight but doesn’t care enough atm to reduce the sugar.
I’m very happy that she’s happy with her body. I was the same shape and very self conscious and have done everything I could to ensure she is confident in herself.

However… I’m finding it difficult to not comment negatively on her dress sense as it’s SO revealing. She’s proud of her boobs, wears crop tops with spaghetti straps and tiny shorts she’s falling out of. She’s just bought a dress which manages to show off her legs, boobs AND stomach Confused

It’s just so… tarty.
I don’t want to hurt her feelings, and she thinks she looks lovely, so I’m obviously not saying what I really think.

Any advice? Do I just shut up and wait for her to grow up?

OP posts:
gogohm · 30/07/2021 17:51

Depends on how revealing, I would always tell mine if I thought the clothes were inappropriate eg only fit for the beach. Once they reached adulthood and had their own money I kept quiet but whilst I funded their clothes I kept tabs on what they bought

Charliebradbury · 30/07/2021 17:52

Just wondering what is wrong with a crop top? Previous poster said they don't let their 7 year old wear one. I can sort of understand low cut top and mini skirt, hot pants etc but I don't get what is so wrong with showing a stomach.
I wear cropped jumpers sometimes with high waisted jeans and my dd (6) has a cropped tshirt. I don't get why they are inappropriate

Neondisco · 30/07/2021 17:54

Wow this is embarrassing

gogohm · 30/07/2021 17:54

@Charliebradbury

Nothing wrong with cropped tops on the beach, bar that, why? They don't look good on hardly anyone. Nightclubs etc fair enough but on a child, no unless it's part of a beach type outfit

hatebeak · 30/07/2021 17:54

It's so disingenuous to do the whole "oh, so she should dress like a nun" thing, or imply the mother is some hideous bigot for not letting her child dress like she wants. Yes, it's the problem of men, and they need to be told/changed, but come on, we all know what happens in this less than perfect world. It's all very well telling your daughter to stare people down and be confident in their choices - but it's putting them in a situation they don't need to be in and no, it's not necessarily empowering to dress like that. Quite the opposite. Lots of ways to be complicit in the patriarchy, I think, even if you think you're doing the opposite.

alreadytaken · 30/07/2021 17:55

There is something seriously wrong with this country. Women should be able to dress how they like but why are they so conditioned to think that should be skimpy outfits with your breasts showing? Women wear uncomfortable clothing to please men not because they are proud of their bodies.

With teenagers pick your battles and clothing is maybe not the one to make a fuss about. Try some gentle encouragement by more lavish praise of the less appalling outfits.

worktrip · 30/07/2021 17:56

You can have an opinion about your DDs dress sense, but just don't express it.

sergeilavrov · 30/07/2021 17:56

@Cccc1111 This is a really important point: they will wear it anyway. Parents should not put themselves in a position that they cannot give an accurate description of their child’s appearance in event of them going missing. It could significantly delay the critical immediate response in event of them disappearing.

HopeClearwater · 30/07/2021 17:56

How come she’s got overweight living in your house?

Jaguar77 · 30/07/2021 17:56

Was your mother as spiteful to you as you are to your own daughter?

2bazookas · 30/07/2021 17:58

Just grit your teeth, put on your shades, and be grateful you've got such a lovely happy confident girl.

Charliebradbury · 30/07/2021 17:58

But most crop tops don't actually show much skin when worn with jeans. As for why... Well I imagine cause its fashionable or in regards to my 6 year old she saw a neon pink top in matalan and wanted it. It's a crop top not a bikini. Why is a stomach worse than an arm or a thigh? I personally think cropped tops can look nice especially with high waisted trousers which most people wear then with anyway

pleasedonttextmyman · 30/07/2021 17:58

I could sympathise with an OP thinking her 15 yo dress inappropriately for her age, but looking at the following posts, it seems that the OP has a problem with the body shape and is offended when someone thinks her 15 year old is not an adult. Confused

I am out because it's ridiculous, and insulting.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 30/07/2021 18:04

@Aquamarine1029

You're her parent, you SHOULD be telling her what you think, and you should be putting your foot down. What she is wearing is totally inappropriate for a girl her age, and in my opinion a girl/woman of any age. Other people can wear whatever the hell they want, but your child, no. She needs direction and guidance from you, not silence. When she's an adult, she can do as she pleases.
Totally agree with this^ I raised two DDs and one was built like a ballerina and the other like your daughter was a Victorian beauty. She had the same dress lack of sense as your daughter. It took her getting out of school and into the world of work to begin to believe what I had been telling her. When a few bosses tell her to cover up, she may get the idea!
ufucoffee · 30/07/2021 18:05

You're her parent. You need to tell her. That's your job.

NeedNewKnees · 30/07/2021 18:06

I have a 15yo daughter too, and yes, some of the choices she and her gang of friends mak?e are OUT THERE to my tastes and I have had to bite my tongue. I trust her to make her fashion choices as she figures out who she is.

Yesterday she bought a dress that wouldn't look out opf place in an Amish community - full length, long sleeves totally covered up - and she adores it. Fashion - it's part of how she expresses the different parts of herself. I don't have to approve, I'm happy to watch her become herself.

EmmalineC · 30/07/2021 18:07

Let her wear what the fuck she wants and stop being so judgemental.

You want her to go into adulthood with low self-esteem and an eating disorder? Crack on.

GreenBiro · 30/07/2021 18:08

I think you're getting a harsh time here OP.

You need to give help your daughter to use critical thinking skills to address this.

In this situation I would do the following (not when she's on her way out of the door with her bum cheeks hanging out BTW):

Have a conversation with your DD about how people judge people for what they wear, whether they like it or not. Does your DD judge people? If so, why? Does she think other people judge her? If so, why?

Have a conversation with your DD about right time / right place for certain outfits. Sometimes we just have to wear a work uniform, wear something specific for a funeral, dress for the weather. Ask her her views on right time / right place for what she wears.

I would also warn her of the 'sexualised' messages that she could be sending by dressing in a particular way. Even if she doesn't intend this, and she should be able to wear what she wants, how does she feel about this? What would she actually do in the situation where someone else acted inappropriately towards her because of this? What if this was a boy? A man? A group of girls? How would she feel?

Regale her with tales of heather shimmer lipstick / bad perms / whatever but explain now that there is so much permanence around anyone's image at any given time doe to photos and social media. Ask her if she is OK with this.

TBH, I would be OK with all of the above whatever her response. But I would know then that she had the tools to really consider her decisions, and to know that you care without actually judging or imposing your own views.

The one thing I would do however is make sure I buy her some really good underwear. Whatever she wears, she should have something supportive and comfortable underneath.

GivenchyDahhling · 30/07/2021 18:10

Oh come on, this can’t be real, especially with the OP’s username. Nobody in real life would go on the internet to disparage their own daughter’s body like the OP.

Chunkymenrock · 30/07/2021 18:12

Nothing wrong with having an opinion and mine would be the same as the OP's. It is a tarty look. I do agree though that they have to make their own mistakes. I'd possibly say something like 'are you sure you'll be warm enough?' as she's on her way out, but otherwise let it happen. If she's happy and comfortable, that's great.

Arrowheart · 30/07/2021 18:14

Your DD most probably thinks your dress sense is appalling OP. It would be a very dull world if we all liked the same thing and to be honest if I was a 15 year old and my mum hated what I was wearing I would think I was doing OK.

Arrowheart · 30/07/2021 18:15

@EmmalineC

Let her wear what the fuck she wants and stop being so judgemental.

You want her to go into adulthood with low self-esteem and an eating disorder? Crack on.

Oh, and this x 10000000
GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 30/07/2021 18:15

My dd wears shorts so high it’s gynaecological. It can’t be comfy! But she hates it if I say anything.
I hear you op but I do think there’s lots of work to do with women of our age (40-45?) who internalised a lot of toxic misogyny from the “nothing tastes as good as thin feels “ 90s

newnortherner111 · 30/07/2021 18:15

If I was to start criticising dress sense and style of those I see in most of the UK, I would be a very busy person. One of the pleasures of visiting France is that style still exists, both women and men. Just compare Emmanuel Macron with Boris Johnson for example.

OP your DD is not unique, perhaps concentrate on the 'are you warm enough?'.

TheWholeJingbang · 30/07/2021 18:16

I wouldn’t let my child go out like that
It’s trashy as fuck whatever your size

You’re supposed to protect and guide your children when they’re ... children

Judge me, oh cool mums 🙄