Dd and her appalling dress sense!

[Ifeelmuchlessfat]

I have a lovely bubbly 15yo dd.
She’s had her body issues over the years (12/13yo) as was always bigger and taller than her peers, but now somehow seems fine about herself. She’s very large chested and hipped with a small waist and big bum, so probably quite fashionable, but is also frankly a bit overweight but doesn’t care enough atm to reduce the sugar.
I’m very happy that she’s happy with her body. I was the same shape and very self conscious and have done everything I could to ensure she is confident in herself.

However… I’m finding it difficult to not comment negatively on her dress sense as it’s SO revealing. She’s proud of her boobs, wears crop tops with spaghetti straps and tiny shorts she’s falling out of. She’s just bought a dress which manages to show off her legs, boobs AND stomach

It’s just so… tarty.
I don’t want to hurt her feelings, and she thinks she looks lovely, so I’m obviously not saying what I really think.

Any advice? Do I just shut up and wait for her to grow up?

[GrumpyTerrier]

I think it is ok to say 'you have to cover up a bit' if clothes are really really revealing. My mother said that to me now and then--- but it has to be cos the clothes are revealing, not cos she is, in your opinion, too large to wear less conservative stuff.

As for the rest-- you are kind of supposed to look awful as a teen, its just what happens while you figure stuff out. If she is happy with herself, dont dont dont knock that. It is a precious and unusual thing.

If her clothes are really going to cause problems for her, some other teen will say something anyway. No one is more vicious and controlling of a teen, than anothe teen.

[pleasedonttextmyman]

That she should not hook up with him 20yo because she has agency to make good and sensible decisions for herself.

what teen girl is not interested in "older guys" and wouldn't be flattered to have a 20 yo boyfriend...

I don't know any 15 yo girl who even looks at someone their own age, as they are too "baby"! (they might even have a point to be fair..)

[Mummyford]

@pleasedonttextmyman

Why, when someone disagrees on MN, do they always get accused of being dramatic, or, my favourite 'unhinged'?

because telling someone that refusing to let your 15yo go out in inappropriate clothing will damage their self-esteem for years to come IS being dramatic.

What else would you call it?

It's not normal if you can't parent your child because you are too worried of negative long-term consequences and if your child has such a low self esteem that you have to agree with everything. Not only it's not normal, but it's not healthy.

Can't you see that? If it's that bad, you must have done something wrong along the way.

See, that's not even close to what I said. I said that I choose my battles and I prioritise the ones I feel are important to their overall development as human beings able to rely on their own good decision-making skills as they make their way through the world. I am not afraid to say no or have rules. I just prefer to stay away from ones that are stupid and damaging.

Your last sentence makes literally zero sense by the way. I've read it several times and still can't figure it out.

[therocinante]

I think you need to examine your own motivations, first.

What does 'tarty' mean? Do you mean sexually attractive? Do you mean sexually available? Can you see why someone might want to look that way? More to the point, why do you think 'having a visible body' means you are 'sexually available'?

Do you just not like her clothes? Why do you think she should care?

Do you worry she will 'look fatter' as a result of her clothes, and have you examined why that bothers you so much? Do you worry she will dislike her body because she looks bigger than you think she should? Why do you think she will dislike it - and why do you think pointing that out would help?

Do you think she should hide the fact that she has breasts and a bum? Why?

Do you think the clothes are 'unflattering'? What is flattering, to you Do you mean 'makes you look thinner' and have you thought about why you feel that way and if that's something you want her to internalise? Do you mean 'looks modest', and again, why and do you want her to carry a notion of a woman needing to be modest with her?



I ask these questions genuinely, as someone whose parent was unhappy with their body and who - even now, in my thirties - wonders what she hopes to achieve when she tells me something is unflattering. She means 'makes you look fat' - but I am fat, and what she does by pointing it out is remind me that she dislikes my body shape and finds it distateful. Why she thinks I would give a shit, or why she would rather I was also ashamed of it, is beyond me - but as a teenager I did not have the same ability to realise it was her issue being projected, not mine. Now, I ask her the questions I'm asking you until she admits she can't understand why I don't hate my body the way she has hated her own her whole life, to the detriment of her physical and mental health. And for a little while, she shuts up - even tells me she's proud of me not feeling the way she does. But it is so deeply ingrained in her that it always creeps back in. And I feel sorry for her.

[Pinkmendinilla]

I think it's ok to put some boundaries in place regarding what is age appropriate but please, please do not make this about her size or how she is showing 'more flesh' than a slimmer girl in the same outfit. You need to be very tactful here or you will wreck her self esteem.

She's obviously at prime experimentation age and that's how it should be, but your points on not wearing unsuitable clothes might be better received if made alongside constructive advice such as buying one quality item rather than loads of rubbishy fast fashion, ensuring bras fit well, that kind of thing.

[Lovemusic33]

My daughter is the opposite and wears baggy clothing, joggers and boys shorts, she’s the same build as your dd. I don’t really say a word to her, her choice what she wears, if we go shopping I might try and suggest things she would look nice it but that’s usually a waste of time 🤣. I see other girls her age wearing skimpy clothes and nice dresses or dressed in quirky clothing but my dd has no interest in fashion at all and dresses for comfort.

I think at that age they are finding their own style whilst also wanting to wear what their friends are wearing, best to just let them get on with it. I’m sure in 20 years time they will look back on what they were wearing as teens and laugh, some of the things I wore were pretty awful 🤣

[DufferMum]

You are allowed to have an opinion on your old child’s body shape and dress sense ffs. I wonder how many of those people who are shocked at what OP says actually have teenage DDs.

My 17 yo dresses appallingly in stuff that is far too small and tight across the boobs but she improved since she was 15 and I look forward to further improvements.
I do not voice my opinion, it is not a hill I wish to die on.

[Pinkmendinilla]

I mean what is age inappropriate or unsuitable in your opinion as her mother, not that there is some standard measure of this.

[toocold54]

I actually think you are getting a hard time on here OP.

I am built like your DD very curvy with big boobs, bum, hips and a small waist which makes me look curvier and get a lot of unwanted attention from it.
My friends will wear something much more revealing yet I still get the unwanted attention simply because I have bigger boobs and bum than them.

Your DD reminds me of when I was young and I got lots of attention which at the time I enjoyed but looking back now I was way too young to deal with it all and the creeps that came with it.

She is way too young to be showing so much skin and I completely get why you’d be worried but honestly there is nothing you can do about it.
You could joke with her like ‘do you want a skirt to wear with that belt’ but most things you say will push her into wearing skimpier outfits as she’s at that age.

[Mummyford]

@pleasedonttextmyman

That she should not hook up with him 20yo because she has agency to make good and sensible decisions for herself.

what teen girl is not interested in "older guys" and wouldn't be flattered to have a 20 yo boyfriend...

I don't know any 15 yo girl who even looks at someone their own age, as they are too "baby"! (they might even have a point to be fair..)

Ummm, me, when I was that age? My DD and pretty much all of her friends? My DS's girlfriend? Hadn't realised we were such a small group.

That's the point. Teach your DD what's really important: 20yo old men are inappropriate for 15yo girls. I wouldn't shy away from that conversation. But I also really don't understand how that relates to what she wears?

I mean, I think what's not normal here is to not trust that you've laid a solid enough foundation that your young teen DD will get why it's a bad idea to hook up with an adult man.

Sorry for derailing OP. Hope you find a good solution.

[pleasedonttextmyman]

Mummyford

I am just replying to you and you pretend you said something else entirely, I won't bother anymore.

[toocold54]

I do not voice my opinion, it is not a hill I wish to die on.

[m0therofdragons]

Oh ffs some outfits look tarty and we all know what the op means and if you saw someone out in ill-fitting clothes most people would judge but if course on mn we have to make it into some anti feminism nonsense. If dh started wearing too-tight trousers and I could see his cock and balls I’d tell him. And honestly, people pretending that overweight people can wear tight show all clothes and nobody think anything is utter rubbish and not anyone’s real life experience.

That said, if she’s happy and confident then great. At that age you can guide but she will need to find her own way. Most teens have a terrible fashion phase, I’m just glad less photos were taken in my teens so there’s less evidence!

[pleasedonttextmyman]

I mean, I think what's not normal here is to not trust that you've laid a solid enough foundation that your young teen DD will get why it's a bad idea to hook up with an adult man.

oh, we have a perfect parent here, there's always one! Well done you.

[Ifeelmuchlessfat]

@Marmitemarinaded she has her own job and buys her own clothes. I sent (seemingly endless amounts of) money to her bank but she makes her own choices, hence this discussion.

Also, I do have rules but they don’t cover what my dd can wear

And to those referring to her as a child, I find that condescending, although that’s probably opening up a whole different can of worms.
Those of us who actually have 15yos (16 in a couple of months) know that to treat them like a child is disrespectful. She’s not 10. In some cultures she’d be married with her own children.

She’s not a child, and she’s not yet an adult. She’s experimenting and finding her own way, and given the world she’s growing up in I think most of the time she’s doing a bloody marvellous job.

[Pinkmendinilla]

therocinante your post makes a lot of sense to me and is very wise. Both my parents made very clear they found my build and body distasteful as a child and younger- mid teenager. I wasn't huge as a teenager, just not their slight, sporty, skinny ideal. This knowledge that I was 'wrong' made a deep impression.

[me4real]

I was going to say say nothing, but then I thought well, she's still underage and you're her mum.

Don't phrase it as the clothes don't suit her because of her size/shape @Ifeelmuchlessfat . Just say you don't want her to dress like that because it's too sexual/revealing and she's only 15. When she's 16 she can dress how she wants though IMHO, but some people might disagree on that.

Probably a lot of her friends are wearing similar clothes, they just look different/not quite as sexual on slimmer builds- at least in the bust area.

I don't think it even counts as 'terrible dress sense,' just a particular style some young people have, though it'd look different on curvier people.

[pleasedonttextmyman]

Those of us who actually have 15yos (16 in a couple of months) know that to treat them like a child is disrespectful. She’s not 10. In some cultures she’d be married with her own children.

good grief

[MyPantsAreTooTight]

Is it how she looks that concerns you most or the potential for attracting unwanted male attention.

There are an awful lot of people who assume pervs want young women dressed in revealing clothing.

A lot of pervs would be turned off by your DD's style of dress as they want the young innocent look. Look how many blokes go all creep fest over girls wearing their school uniform.

This is a very gross example but people who sell their pants to sick wankers mostly use plain white cotton pants not lacy lingerie.

Clothing that appears to suggest the purity of childhood attracts nonces just as much, if not more, than revealing more adult style clothing.

I think what I am trying to say is, clothes make no difference because men are either perverts or they are not. A young girl in revealing clothing won't turn a non pervert into one. A young girl wrapped head to toe in a duvet won't make a pervert into a non pervert.

[Starfleck]

I think it's the style now and fitting in at that age feels important. It's great she's confident to wear them, I was overweight as a teen and always wore really baggy clothes whilst my friends wore fashionable stuff that was on trend. I wish looking back I'd just embraced my body, now I'm a healthy weight I realise it's not the most important thing in the world. I don't think though mentioning about clothes in general causes long term issues in everyone, but unless you have genuine concerns or feel she's really uncomfortable and just wearing them to fit in (which doesn't seem the case, she seems happy) then I'd leave it be.

[SunshineCake]

My dd wears short skirts at times with fishnet tights with the large holes. I really struggle with it but she wears shorts under the skirts and after having words with a disgusting bloke who was staring at her I learnt to not look at anyone so I didn't see them looking at her. She said she doesn't care who looks so why should I ?
Lately she's bought some crop tops but they are longer. TBH she can handle herself so if anyone did say anything she didn't like or tried to touch her they'd come off worse.

[RickOShay]

@DufferMum

You are allowed to have an opinion on your old child’s body shape and dress sense ffs. I wonder how many of those people who are shocked at what OP says actually have teenage DDs.

My 17 yo dresses appallingly in stuff that is far too small and tight across the boobs but she improved since she was 15 and I look forward to further improvements.
I do not voice my opinion, it is not a hill I wish to die on.

I agree
Dd is 19yo and is going clubbing for the first time ever next weekend.
The dress she has chosen honestly has more gaps than material. The only thing I’ve said is she might be better off in trainers for dancing.
It’s not an easy path that’s for sure.

[therocinante]

@Pinkmendinilla

therocinante your post makes a lot of sense to me and is very wise. Both my parents made very clear they found my build and body distasteful as a child and younger- mid teenager. I wasn't huge as a teenager, just not their slight, sporty, skinny ideal. This knowledge that I was 'wrong' made a deep impression.

It's very hard to let go of as an adult, isn't it!? It really sticks with you.

And that's why I ask OP to question her own motives now, because my mum is too far down the line now to un-do that damage, but OP might not be.

If it were "that outfit isn't appropriate for a Church christening" or "it's November and you'll freeze in a mini-dress" I wouldn't bat an eye, but OP's amazement that her child 'somehow' likes her body even though she's 'frankly a bit overweight' reminds me of my mum, not a parent caring about decency.

I wonder if OP thinks about it a bit she'll find it's her own feelings about appearing visibly overweight and not appropriately ashamed of it that's bothering her, and that's worth trying to work on herself before she passes that to her daughter.

[theleafandnotthetree]

@GetTaeFuck

If you think clothes on a child are sexual, you need help.

And if you don't see how a 15 year old girl could be seen in a sexual way then you have your head buried in the sand.

[pleasedonttextmyman]

And to those referring to her as a child, I find that condescending, although that’s probably opening up a whole different can of worms.

Not a child, YOUR child!
No one is saying she is a baby, but at 15, it's still your job and responsibility to parent her..