Dd and her appalling dress sense!

[Ifeelmuchlessfat]

I have a lovely bubbly 15yo dd.
She’s had her body issues over the years (12/13yo) as was always bigger and taller than her peers, but now somehow seems fine about herself. She’s very large chested and hipped with a small waist and big bum, so probably quite fashionable, but is also frankly a bit overweight but doesn’t care enough atm to reduce the sugar.
I’m very happy that she’s happy with her body. I was the same shape and very self conscious and have done everything I could to ensure she is confident in herself.

However… I’m finding it difficult to not comment negatively on her dress sense as it’s SO revealing. She’s proud of her boobs, wears crop tops with spaghetti straps and tiny shorts she’s falling out of. She’s just bought a dress which manages to show off her legs, boobs AND stomach

It’s just so… tarty.
I don’t want to hurt her feelings, and she thinks she looks lovely, so I’m obviously not saying what I really think.

Any advice? Do I just shut up and wait for her to grow up?

[Sawyersfishbiscuits]

I can see both sides of this. With oldest DD I could say "Oi missus that's a bit short, or stop flashing" and we could honestly have a giggle.

I kind of think that if you were shopping with a really good friend then you'd be able to tell her if she was barking up the wrong tree with an outfit choice.

OP isn't calling her out every single time, she's looking for a gentle way to help, well that's what I gleaned from the original post.

Maybe saying "you look lovely it that sweetheart but I really like the other dress/outfit the best... but then I'm not down with the kids etc"

Mine is a similar age and into Anime... we have only black, plus netty gloves and stripy socks... it's only going to get worse... I had to talk her out of some interesting cos play stuff she'd put into her Shein basket!!! 😳😳😳

[Marmitemarinaded]

Presumably you’re buying the clothes?

[pleasedonttextmyman]

Around here, it's more bralette and ridiculously high waisted jeans or oversized joggers.

But it doesn't matter ultimately, it's how you think it's appropriate or not.
She is 15! It's all good and well to say it's fine to dress like a 20 yo at 15, but would you be happy if she started hooking up with a 20yo man?

Do you expect guys to ask for ID to check the age? Have you forgotten about being a teen?

[CandyLeBonBon]

[Formaldeheidi]

Your DD has body issues you say….

[slightlysnippy]

@GetTaeFuck

Ah right, so now big breasts must all be covered at all times until a child is 18?

Jesus fucking Wept.

Literally no one has said this

[pleasedonttextmyman]

I think part of good parenting is choosing your battles. I guess the question for me would be, Is this a hill you want to die on? Because the only outcome I see is one in which she either fights you on it and feels damaged or succumbs to what you want and feels even more damaged. Are you prepared for the fallout in terms of her self-image and/or damage to your relationship?

why do people have to be so dramatic on MN?

Why can't you accept that a parent can have an opinion, and rules, without damaging their kids self-image and bringing years of self-hatred?
Seriously? Does everything have to bring such strong reaction and consequences?

If that's true, then you have other problems frankly, it's not normal!

[Dmsandfloatydress]

I would tell her that her clothes are not flattering her shape to be honest. My mum did that and I am grateful that she was honest. Also those clothes are not suitable for a 15 year old. Your house, your rules!

[Marmitemarinaded]

There is nothing wrong with a mother being additionally concerned about the impact of weight and how that impacts the way clothes hang, especially if the clothes in the first place are very skimpy.

[Laserbird16]

What's your goal?

Do you just want her to comply with your dress code? You could ban certain styles or try and shame her into wearing something more acceptable to you. Both these options seem terrible.

Or do you want her to understand why you're uncomfortable with the way she will be perceived?

The way you've expressed your concern about how she dresses here is problematic but it's a great opportunity to chat to her.

Fifteen is a tricky age, you don't want to destroy her self esteem with judgements about her appearance and she should be encouraged to explore her own style but she's a child.

Can you talk to her about why it concerns you ...not that you think she looks appalling or tarty. Focus on its fun to experiment with your appearance and find your own style but some looks make you feel uncomfortable.

Really there is nothing she can wear that will ever protect her from skeezy individuals but if you can't childproof the world you have to worldproof the child unfortunately. Her relationship with you is important not 'setting her straight'.

I still mull over comments my mother made to me 25 years ago. I realised eventually she was just wrong, I was perfectly acceptable looking. My experiments in fashion were on reflection hilarious but at the time I thought I looked good and then I got a snippy comment which just made me hate myself and my mother. I wish I hadn't wasted so much time feeling hideous.

So...good luck!

[Mummyford]

@Motnight

My concern would be that your dd is going to get unwanted attention wearing anything considered revealing. It's a horrible fact of life, so that's the way I would approach it. Her size is immaterial. However it would be a question - 'you do realise that some boys and men will see you and make comments?' and take it from there.

It's nasty but it's what young women have to deal with in society today.

I got that in jeans and baggy sweaters at that age and my guess is she does too. It really didn't matter what I wore or didn't wear.

[Bibidy]

I think it's fine to ask her to change if you feel it's actual inappropriate clothing for a child to wear, but not if you just don't like it due to her bodyshape.

[Crazysheep]

I would probably have to say something to her OP. Probably not using your terminology. I also wouldn't point out her weight. It wouldn't matter if she was a size 4 or a size 40 my dd will not be showing that much flesh at 15. My DD is currently year 7 and she has a very particular style which I embrace but I absolutely police her outfits at the same time.

[drpet49]

I had a friend like this. Unfortunately she was a laughing stock wherever she went. People would snigger, point but she either didn’t notice or pretended she didn’t hear/ see it.

No one had the heart to tell her.

[PerciphonePuma]

I can't believe PPs are telling you to mind your own business and ignore this!! 15 years old and dressing, dare I say it, like a..... You know (based solely on how you describe)

She's a child! Of course it's your business!!! Protecting her is still your job

[Marmitemarinaded]

@GetTaeFuck

Ah right, so now big breasts must all be covered at all times until a child is 18?

Jesus fucking Wept.

How odd.

No one has said or implied that.

You literally just made up your own story there

[Ifeelmuchlessfat]

I did try one of her dresses on recently, oh how we laughed

So we’ve just had the catwalk before she goes out to the party (yes it’s for a party, she wouldn’t wear it to the supermarket for those who were concerned). It was actually quite expensive and therefore ‘naice’ thick material at least, so not transparent in addition to everything else. She’s wearing it with converse, not heels. Everything I said was positive, and her very conservative older brother said the dress looked good (I thought he’d be so clearly just me.)

She left the room on a real high.

@BrightYellowDaffodil about 35.

[Pissinthepottyplease]

@IWantT0BreakFree

Given that 99% of your post has to do with her body shape you really need to examine your thought process here and think about what it is that you actually have a problem with.

IMO some of her clothes sound inappropriate for a child to be wearing. However your issue seems to be almost entirely based on what her body looks like in the clothes, and your OP is reading as though you would be fine with her choice of outfits if she were skinny.

Also "tarty"? God you sound like my (extremely prudish, extremely judgemental) mother. A female's choice in clothing does not signify anything about her sexual behaviour whatsoever.

I completely agree.

[Mummyford]

@pleasedonttextmyman

I think part of good parenting is choosing your battles. I guess the question for me would be, Is this a hill you want to die on? Because the only outcome I see is one in which she either fights you on it and feels damaged or succumbs to what you want and feels even more damaged. Are you prepared for the fallout in terms of her self-image and/or damage to your relationship?

why do people have to be so dramatic on MN?

Why can't you accept that a parent can have an opinion, and rules, without damaging their kids self-image and bringing years of self-hatred?
Seriously? Does everything have to bring such strong reaction and consequences?

If that's true, then you have other problems frankly, it's not normal!

Why, when someone disagrees on MN, do they always get accused of being dramatic, or, my favourite 'unhinged'?

You, do you, @pleasedonttextmyman. The OP asked for opinions, I gave mine. Part of the way I parent is by deciding which issues I want to take on and which issues I want to let my kids learn and sort through in their own way. Why can't you accept that another parent can have a different opinion, which is that kind of interaction can be damaging? FFS

Speaking personally, I was very much not an overweight teen, but I also had big boobs and a small waist. I was the subject of a lot of unwanted male attention no matter what I wore, which made me very self-conscious. When I did choose to wear something revealing it was a choice. My mother telling me not to would have made me even more self-conscious.

So instead of examining my 'problems' about which you know nothing, and telling me I'm not 'norma'l, why don't you run along and sew up any low cut necks on your DDs clothes in case the top of her cleavage shows?

[Blueskytoday06]

OP I get it. My DD is 14.5 and is now wearing strappy tops shorts etc and YES I get it that women should wear whatever the hell they want and when they want to, that's an absolute given BUTTTT she's (not yet a woman) now at the age when boys and MEN are looking and it makes me uncomfortable. Her argument is they shouldn't look and my oh so naive DD is right but that unfortunately doesn't mean they won't. I hate the idea that my beautiful teenager will be perved over. Yes when she's 18 she can do what she wants but until then I shall continue to steer her away from stray eyes.
Doesn't mean I think it's right to tone down her style but for now I shall do my best to protect even if it causes a few arguments.

[52andblue]

My Dd is 14. She needs guidance in what she wears.
It's a struggle to get her to wear appropriate clothing.

That's because she has ASD so would wear a swimsuit in winter, or Army surplus (inc webbing) to a formal Ball, for eg. She also needs reminding to put clean clothes on each day. So, it's a bit different to your worries, OP. I'd be worried if she chose very revealing clothes, as she would then have to fend off more male 'attention' which MY Dd wouldn't cope with, but a more confident girl might be fine with.
But none of that would be related to her size / body shape at all.
I try to praise Dd's choices by saying: 'that's a pretty colour on you, that's a lovely fabric / pattern, shape, that looks so comfy' etc.
I am SUPER careful not to damage her confidence in her choices.
It's SO hard to be a young girl in our society with all the media crap.

[pleasedonttextmyman]

Why, when someone disagrees on MN, do they always get accused of being dramatic, or, my favourite 'unhinged'?

because telling someone that refusing to let your 15yo go out in inappropriate clothing will damage their self-esteem for years to come IS being dramatic.

What else would you call it?

It's not normal if you can't parent your child because you are too worried of negative long-term consequences and if your child has such a low self esteem that you have to agree with everything. Not only it's not normal, but it's not healthy.

Can't you see that? If it's that bad, you must have done something wrong along the way.

[Mummyford]

@pleasedonttextmyman

Around here, it's more bralette and ridiculously high waisted jeans or oversized joggers.

But it doesn't matter ultimately, it's how you think it's appropriate or not.
She is 15! It's all good and well to say it's fine to dress like a 20 yo at 15, but would you be happy if she started hooking up with a 20yo man?

Do you expect guys to ask for ID to check the age? Have you forgotten about being a teen?

Now, see, I would teach my 15 year old DD that she is not at the mercy of a 20yo man being interested in her.

That she should not hook up with him 20yo because she has agency to make good and sensible decisions for herself. His interest won't matter in the least if she has a good solid decision-making foundation, the confidence to follow through on that and a parent or parents she can actually talk to.

What she wears has zero impact on that

[MrsRusselBrand]

Some of the comments on here are not helpful and really insightless . The OP clearly posted here as she would never say anything to negatively affect her DD and was trying to get some perspective presumably, not feel judged herself !??
OP - I would feel happy she is comfortable in her own body and shape , you have clearly instilled confidence in her which is great. Fashion at the moment is a little odd in my opinion , my DD14 wears some questionable outfits ( more flarey ripped jeans and long T shirts ) , so maybe just give her your opinion on what suits her more. TBH saying that will likely steer her in the opposite direction tho !! As lo my as it's not wholly inappropriate, I would let it run its course until some other fashion trend piques her interest

[Ozanj]

I think the problem is yours. You clearly still have issues. Get some counselling maybe.