Dd and her appalling dress sense!

[Ifeelmuchlessfat]

I have a lovely bubbly 15yo dd.
She’s had her body issues over the years (12/13yo) as was always bigger and taller than her peers, but now somehow seems fine about herself. She’s very large chested and hipped with a small waist and big bum, so probably quite fashionable, but is also frankly a bit overweight but doesn’t care enough atm to reduce the sugar.
I’m very happy that she’s happy with her body. I was the same shape and very self conscious and have done everything I could to ensure she is confident in herself.

However… I’m finding it difficult to not comment negatively on her dress sense as it’s SO revealing. She’s proud of her boobs, wears crop tops with spaghetti straps and tiny shorts she’s falling out of. She’s just bought a dress which manages to show off her legs, boobs AND stomach

It’s just so… tarty.
I don’t want to hurt her feelings, and she thinks she looks lovely, so I’m obviously not saying what I really think.

Any advice? Do I just shut up and wait for her to grow up?

Presumably you’re buying the clothes?

Around here, it's more bralette and ridiculously high waisted jeans or oversized joggers.

But it doesn't matter ultimately, it's how you think it's appropriate or not.
She is 15! It's all good and well to say it's fine to dress like a 20 yo at 15, but would you be happy if she started hooking up with a 20yo man?

Do you expect guys to ask for ID to check the age? Have you forgotten about being a teen?

Your DD has body issues you say….

@GetTaeFuck

Ah right, so now big breasts must all be covered at all times until a child is 18?

Jesus fucking Wept.

Literally no one has said this

I think part of good parenting is choosing your battles. I guess the question for me would be, Is this a hill you want to die on? Because the only outcome I see is one in which she either fights you on it and feels damaged or succumbs to what you want and feels even more damaged. Are you prepared for the fallout in terms of her self-image and/or damage to your relationship?

why do people have to be so dramatic on MN?

Why can't you accept that a parent can have an opinion, and rules, without damaging their kids self-image and bringing years of self-hatred?
Seriously? Does everything have to bring such strong reaction and consequences?

If that's true, then you have other problems frankly, it's not normal!

I would tell her that her clothes are not flattering her shape to be honest. My mum did that and I am grateful that she was honest. Also those clothes are not suitable for a 15 year old. Your house, your rules!

There is nothing wrong with a mother being additionally concerned about the impact of weight and how that impacts the way clothes hang, especially if the clothes in the first place are very skimpy.

What's your goal?

Do you just want her to comply with your dress code? You could ban certain styles or try and shame her into wearing something more acceptable to you. Both these options seem terrible.

Or do you want her to understand why you're uncomfortable with the way she will be perceived?

The way you've expressed your concern about how she dresses here is problematic but it's a great opportunity to chat to her.

Fifteen is a tricky age, you don't want to destroy her self esteem with judgements about her appearance and she should be encouraged to explore her own style but she's a child.

Can you talk to her about why it concerns you ...not that you think she looks appalling or tarty. Focus on its fun to experiment with your appearance and find your own style but some looks make you feel uncomfortable.

Really there is nothing she can wear that will ever protect her from skeezy individuals but if you can't childproof the world you have to worldproof the child unfortunately. Her relationship with you is important not 'setting her straight'.

I still mull over comments my mother made to me 25 years ago. I realised eventually she was just wrong, I was perfectly acceptable looking. My experiments in fashion were on reflection hilarious but at the time I thought I looked good and then I got a snippy comment which just made me hate myself and my mother. I wish I hadn't wasted so much time feeling hideous.

So...good luck!

I think it's fine to ask her to change if you feel it's actual inappropriate clothing for a child to wear, but not if you just don't like it due to her bodyshape.

I would probably have to say something to her OP. Probably not using your terminology. I also wouldn't point out her weight. It wouldn't matter if she was a size 4 or a size 40 my dd will not be showing that much flesh at 15. My DD is currently year 7 and she has a very particular style which I embrace but I absolutely police her outfits at the same time.

I had a friend like this. Unfortunately she was a laughing stock wherever she went. People would snigger, point but she either didn’t notice or pretended she didn’t hear/ see it.

No one had the heart to tell her.

I can't believe PPs are telling you to mind your own business and ignore this!! 15 years old and dressing, dare I say it, like a..... You know (based solely on how you describe)

She's a child! Of course it's your business!!! Protecting her is still your job

@GetTaeFuck

Ah right, so now big breasts must all be covered at all times until a child is 18?

Jesus fucking Wept.

How odd.

No one has said or implied that.

You literally just made up your own story there

I did try one of her dresses on recently, oh how we laughed

So we’ve just had the catwalk before she goes out to the party (yes it’s for a party, she wouldn’t wear it to the supermarket for those who were concerned). It was actually quite expensive and therefore ‘naice’ thick material at least, so not transparent in addition to everything else. She’s wearing it with converse, not heels. Everything I said was positive, and her very conservative older brother said the dress looked good (I thought he’d be so clearly just me.)

She left the room on a real high.

@BrightYellowDaffodil about 35.

@IWantT0BreakFree

Given that 99% of your post has to do with her body shape you really need to examine your thought process here and think about what it is that you actually have a problem with.

IMO some of her clothes sound inappropriate for a child to be wearing. However your issue seems to be almost entirely based on what her body looks like in the clothes, and your OP is reading as though you would be fine with her choice of outfits if she were skinny.

Also "tarty"? God you sound like my (extremely prudish, extremely judgemental) mother. A female's choice in clothing does not signify anything about her sexual behaviour whatsoever.

I completely agree.

OP I get it. My DD is 14.5 and is now wearing strappy tops shorts etc and YES I get it that women should wear whatever the hell they want and when they want to, that's an absolute given BUTTTT she's (not yet a woman) now at the age when boys and MEN are looking and it makes me uncomfortable. Her argument is they shouldn't look and my oh so naive DD is right but that unfortunately doesn't mean they won't. I hate the idea that my beautiful teenager will be perved over. Yes when she's 18 she can do what she wants but until then I shall continue to steer her away from stray eyes.
Doesn't mean I think it's right to tone down her style but for now I shall do my best to protect even if it causes a few arguments.

My Dd is 14. She needs guidance in what she wears.
It's a struggle to get her to wear appropriate clothing.

That's because she has ASD so would wear a swimsuit in winter, or Army surplus (inc webbing) to a formal Ball, for eg. She also needs reminding to put clean clothes on each day. So, it's a bit different to your worries, OP. I'd be worried if she chose very revealing clothes, as she would then have to fend off more male 'attention' which MY Dd wouldn't cope with, but a more confident girl might be fine with.
But none of that would be related to her size / body shape at all.
I try to praise Dd's choices by saying: 'that's a pretty colour on you, that's a lovely fabric / pattern, shape, that looks so comfy' etc.
I am SUPER careful not to damage her confidence in her choices.
It's SO hard to be a young girl in our society with all the media crap.

Why, when someone disagrees on MN, do they always get accused of being dramatic, or, my favourite 'unhinged'?

because telling someone that refusing to let your 15yo go out in inappropriate clothing will damage their self-esteem for years to come IS being dramatic.

What else would you call it?

It's not normal if you can't parent your child because you are too worried of negative long-term consequences and if your child has such a low self esteem that you have to agree with everything. Not only it's not normal, but it's not healthy.

Can't you see that? If it's that bad, you must have done something wrong along the way.

Some of the comments on here are not helpful and really insightless . The OP clearly posted here as she would never say anything to negatively affect her DD and was trying to get some perspective presumably, not feel judged herself !??
OP - I would feel happy she is comfortable in her own body and shape , you have clearly instilled confidence in her which is great. Fashion at the moment is a little odd in my opinion , my DD14 wears some questionable outfits ( more flarey ripped jeans and long T shirts ) , so maybe just give her your opinion on what suits her more. TBH saying that will likely steer her in the opposite direction tho !! As lo my as it's not wholly inappropriate, I would let it run its course until some other fashion trend piques her interest

I think the problem is yours. You clearly still have issues. Get some counselling maybe.

I think it is ok to say 'you have to cover up a bit' if clothes are really really revealing. My mother said that to me now and then--- but it has to be cos the clothes are revealing, not cos she is, in your opinion, too large to wear less conservative stuff.

As for the rest-- you are kind of supposed to look awful as a teen, its just what happens while you figure stuff out. If she is happy with herself, dont dont dont knock that. It is a precious and unusual thing.

If her clothes are really going to cause problems for her, some other teen will say something anyway. No one is more vicious and controlling of a teen, than anothe teen.

That she should not hook up with him 20yo because she has agency to make good and sensible decisions for herself.

what teen girl is not interested in "older guys" and wouldn't be flattered to have a 20 yo boyfriend...

I don't know any 15 yo girl who even looks at someone their own age, as they are too "baby"! (they might even have a point to be fair..)

I think you need to examine your own motivations, first.

What does 'tarty' mean? Do you mean sexually attractive? Do you mean sexually available? Can you see why someone might want to look that way? More to the point, why do you think 'having a visible body' means you are 'sexually available'?

Do you just not like her clothes? Why do you think she should care?

Do you worry she will 'look fatter' as a result of her clothes, and have you examined why that bothers you so much? Do you worry she will dislike her body because she looks bigger than you think she should? Why do you think she will dislike it - and why do you think pointing that out would help?

Do you think she should hide the fact that she has breasts and a bum? Why?

Do you think the clothes are 'unflattering'? What is flattering, to you Do you mean 'makes you look thinner' and have you thought about why you feel that way and if that's something you want her to internalise? Do you mean 'looks modest', and again, why and do you want her to carry a notion of a woman needing to be modest with her?

I ask these questions genuinely, as someone whose parent was unhappy with their body and who - even now, in my thirties - wonders what she hopes to achieve when she tells me something is unflattering. She means 'makes you look fat' - but I am fat, and what she does by pointing it out is remind me that she dislikes my body shape and finds it distateful. Why she thinks I would give a shit, or why she would rather I was also ashamed of it, is beyond me - but as a teenager I did not have the same ability to realise it was her issue being projected, not mine. Now, I ask her the questions I'm asking you until she admits she can't understand why I don't hate my body the way she has hated her own her whole life, to the detriment of her physical and mental health. And for a little while, she shuts up - even tells me she's proud of me not feeling the way she does. But it is so deeply ingrained in her that it always creeps back in. And I feel sorry for her.

I think it's ok to put some boundaries in place regarding what is age appropriate but please, please do not make this about her size or how she is showing 'more flesh' than a slimmer girl in the same outfit. You need to be very tactful here or you will wreck her self esteem.

She's obviously at prime experimentation age and that's how it should be, but your points on not wearing unsuitable clothes might be better received if made alongside constructive advice such as buying one quality item rather than loads of rubbishy fast fashion, ensuring bras fit well, that kind of thing.