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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dd and her appalling dress sense!

230 replies

Ifeelmuchlessfat · 30/07/2021 15:27

I have a lovely bubbly 15yo dd.
She’s had her body issues over the years (12/13yo) as was always bigger and taller than her peers, but now somehow seems fine about herself. She’s very large chested and hipped with a small waist and big bum, so probably quite fashionable, but is also frankly a bit overweight but doesn’t care enough atm to reduce the sugar.
I’m very happy that she’s happy with her body. I was the same shape and very self conscious and have done everything I could to ensure she is confident in herself.

However… I’m finding it difficult to not comment negatively on her dress sense as it’s SO revealing. She’s proud of her boobs, wears crop tops with spaghetti straps and tiny shorts she’s falling out of. She’s just bought a dress which manages to show off her legs, boobs AND stomach Confused

It’s just so… tarty.
I don’t want to hurt her feelings, and she thinks she looks lovely, so I’m obviously not saying what I really think.

Any advice? Do I just shut up and wait for her to grow up?

OP posts:
HalzTangz · 30/07/2021 17:23

@Ifeelmuchlessfat

I have a lovely bubbly 15yo dd. She’s had her body issues over the years (12/13yo) as was always bigger and taller than her peers, but now somehow seems fine about herself. She’s very large chested and hipped with a small waist and big bum, so probably quite fashionable, but is also frankly a bit overweight but doesn’t care enough atm to reduce the sugar. I’m very happy that she’s happy with her body. I was the same shape and very self conscious and have done everything I could to ensure she is confident in herself.

However… I’m finding it difficult to not comment negatively on her dress sense as it’s SO revealing. She’s proud of her boobs, wears crop tops with spaghetti straps and tiny shorts she’s falling out of. She’s just bought a dress which manages to show off her legs, boobs AND stomach Confused

It’s just so… tarty.
I don’t want to hurt her feelings, and she thinks she looks lovely, so I’m obviously not saying what I really think.

Any advice? Do I just shut up and wait for her to grow up?

You need to remember that what's she's wearing (although not to my taste) is today's fashions. It's natural for young people to follow the current trends.

Don't say anything to her, she is old enough to decide what she wears.

Blossomtoes · 30/07/2021 17:24

Childhood is remarkably elastic on MN. It ranges from (here) “15 is not a child” to “of course they’re still a child at 20, their brain isn’t fully developed until 25” on other threads. I’m totally confused.

RisingSunn · 30/07/2021 17:25

“So what bit can she show? Her knees? Ankles? If her knickers are covered, whats so offensive about her thighs? And stomachs - people are so weird about women showing their stomachs. Lads and men can, absolutely fine. But females do and its suddenly sexual. It's just a belly

Breasts i do think it depends on what's on show, but buying decent, well fitted bras will ensure shes not flashing nipples etc.”

When all of those parts are showing at the same time; I would consider it inappropriate for a school-girl.

TopBlogger · 30/07/2021 17:26

This whole thread makes me think "what the hell can us parents do right?"

The answers go from "What are you doing?? You are messing her self esteem up FOR LIFE! She will be in therapy for years and it will be ALL your fault if you dare tell her that maybe she isnt dressing for her shape!"

To

"Of course you should tell her! It is SO obvious! What kind of an awful mum ARE YOU? You are the parent ffs!"

We cant win. Other women judge us with whatever we do that is so obviously wrong in their eyes, even though we think it is right, then when we do get it wrong because this world is now so confusing, my our kids spend their lives blaming us.

HalzTangz · 30/07/2021 17:28

And this is precisely why women can't wear what they like, because others like yourself deem it ok to say some things not suitable, when really you should be saying to her, don't let boys or men Mae comments, if they do, fire them down. If they stare fire them down.
The more girls and women are taught to tell men their behaviour isn't acceptable, the more men will stop this behaviour.

brogueish · 30/07/2021 17:28

To be perfectly frank, men will catcall 15 year old girls in a hoodie and joggers. What she chooses to wear is really not the issue. I remember 40 years ago being harassed in ankle length skirts and baggy cardis. Be kind and supportive to your daughter.

Blossomtoes · 30/07/2021 17:32

The more girls and women are taught to tell men their behaviour isn't acceptable, the more men will stop this behaviour

This is complete bollocks. Women of my generation have been doing this for 50 years. And what’s changed? Absolutely nothing. Men think with their dicks, always have and always will.

Original poster
Ifeelmuchlessfat · 30/07/2021 17:32

@Candydreamer that’s a really sad post, every aspect of it. Flowers

@pleasedonttextmyman I think I have disagreed with every one of your responses Grin. We are clearly very different people.

@MrsRusselBrand I appreciate your input, and also to those who may disagree with my parenting style but can do so in a constructive thoughtful way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ifeelmuchlessfat · 30/07/2021 17:34

@TopBlogger I know right Grin
Thank gif I didn’t post on aibu

OP posts:
grapewine · 30/07/2021 17:34

@Blossomtoes

Childhood is remarkably elastic on MN. It ranges from (here) “15 is not a child” to “of course they’re still a child at 20, their brain isn’t fully developed until 25” on other threads. I’m totally confused.
I was just thinking the same.
Original poster
Ifeelmuchlessfat · 30/07/2021 17:34

*god

OP posts:
pleasedonttextmyman · 30/07/2021 17:37

@Blossomtoes

Childhood is remarkably elastic on MN. It ranges from (here) “15 is not a child” to “of course they’re still a child at 20, their brain isn’t fully developed until 25” on other threads. I’m totally confused.
some people are more consistent than others...

I am happy to tell my 15yo they are MY child and not an adult yet. So I have an opinion and I have rules, and it's my job to pay for their education, their life, their hobbies, their holidays. As a child, they don't have to contribute to the bills, they have an allowance, the money they earn in their small job is theirs to keep.
I support them, including financially, because they are too young to be independent. I can also put my foot down at what is inappropriate for the time they are not at school.

15 year old is too young to get a full time job and have to pay rent as far as I am concerned. I couldn't care less if others disagree.

pleasedonttextmyman · 30/07/2021 17:38

Ifeelmuchlessfat

you disagree, but you are the one who judge the clothes of your own daughter "tarty" not me Confused

DaphneDeloresMoorhead · 30/07/2021 17:39

What would make you happy - a habit and wimple? And at what age were you planning to let her wear what she wants?

There's quite a lot of middle ground between a habit and wimple and a crop top with shorts so short your buttocks hang out of the bottom

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 30/07/2021 17:41

Her size shouldn't come into it, it's the other that are the problem. I wouldn't have been allowed out like that. I wouldn't allow my 15 year old ds out in hotpots and a crop top anymore than I would let my 15 year old daughter, but obviously you will get all the posters who tell you to let her wear what she likes, and howrah it scared them when their parents told them to cover up a bit 🙄

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 30/07/2021 17:42

Scarred them

pollylocketpickedapocket · 30/07/2021 17:42

@GetTaeFuck

Wow, talk about internalised misogyny.

Let your daughter wear whatever the fuck she wants.

Yeah let her walk down the street having the piss took instead.
Original poster
Ifeelmuchlessfat · 30/07/2021 17:44

@pleasedonttextmyman
Yes I do.
But your post doesn’t make much sense.
But I also suspect you’re only here to be goady so carry on…Wink

OP posts:
pollylocketpickedapocket · 30/07/2021 17:45

@brogueish

To be perfectly frank, men will catcall 15 year old girls in a hoodie and joggers. What she chooses to wear is really not the issue. I remember 40 years ago being harassed in ankle length skirts and baggy cardis. Be kind and supportive to your daughter.
That’s true but try not to pretend it’s much worst for girls who dress like the ops dd especially when overweight.
scoobydoo1971 · 30/07/2021 17:46

I have a daughter a bit younger than yours. I already police what she wears because she sees girls her age going out in what I call 'barely there' fashion. I realised it is a recipe for rebellion to say 'you are not going out in that...', as they will get changed at a friend's house and find all sorts of ways of getting away with it. I rather have conversions about how not going along with fashion trends like a sheep is a good thing, how more clothing is cool and body flattering for many women, and that clothing should be part of your identity if you wish so...but not a replacement for a personality and an intelligence. Another words, stand out for good reason, not how short your skirt is. I give my son the same advice. Don't focus on her size or shape...focus on appropriate dress for looking good.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 30/07/2021 17:46

@HalzTangz

And this is precisely why women can't wear what they like, because others like yourself deem it ok to say some things not suitable, when really you should be saying to her, don't let boys or men Mae comments, if they do, fire them down. If they stare fire them down. The more girls and women are taught to tell men their behaviour isn't acceptable, the more men will stop this behaviour.
That's all very well (won't work anyway) but that's not the main problem, yes men who can't keep their mouths shut and their eyes in their head are disgusting, but the fact is its just bot appropriate for anyone imo to walk around with their are cheeks hanging out unless on the beach or at the swimming pool. Even then its a bit unnecessary.
pleasedonttextmyman · 30/07/2021 17:47

[quote Ifeelmuchlessfat]@pleasedonttextmyman
Yes I do.
But your post doesn’t make much sense.
But I also suspect you’re only here to be goady so carry on…Wink[/quote]
I am the one being goady? Now you are taking the piss...

The way you completely changed mid-thread says it all.

QueeniesCroft · 30/07/2021 17:48

As a 15-year-old, I would have been delighted if my parents expressed their shock and horror over my "tarty" clothes. Shocking your parents is part of the fun, no? I would have loved the drama of my parents refusing to let me go out in an outfit.

My parents resolutely refused to rise to the bait, and eventually my choices became more sensible and based more on what I felt good in, rather than what I knew my mother hated.

Itsbeen84yearss · 30/07/2021 17:49

You’re getting ripped apart here but I would not like it if it were my dd. I would suggest you offer to take some photos of her on her phone every time she goes out. Then she can decide for herself if her clothes look nice/ suit her shape. I doubt talking to her will help much. The problem is selfie culture means a lot of girls take their pics from high up, flattering angles and then think that’s what they look like.

Cccc1111 · 30/07/2021 17:49

If you tell her not to wear certain clothes, she’ll just bung them in her bag, or under a baggy top and trousers, and get changed in toilets/car/behind a big tree while she’s out. And quickly throw it back on before she walks back home. I wore loads of revealing stuff when I was around that age, got regularly yelled at by my mum about what I was going out in, so I usually resorted to that.