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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dd and her appalling dress sense!

230 replies

Ifeelmuchlessfat · 30/07/2021 15:27

I have a lovely bubbly 15yo dd.
She’s had her body issues over the years (12/13yo) as was always bigger and taller than her peers, but now somehow seems fine about herself. She’s very large chested and hipped with a small waist and big bum, so probably quite fashionable, but is also frankly a bit overweight but doesn’t care enough atm to reduce the sugar.
I’m very happy that she’s happy with her body. I was the same shape and very self conscious and have done everything I could to ensure she is confident in herself.

However… I’m finding it difficult to not comment negatively on her dress sense as it’s SO revealing. She’s proud of her boobs, wears crop tops with spaghetti straps and tiny shorts she’s falling out of. She’s just bought a dress which manages to show off her legs, boobs AND stomach Confused

It’s just so… tarty.
I don’t want to hurt her feelings, and she thinks she looks lovely, so I’m obviously not saying what I really think.

Any advice? Do I just shut up and wait for her to grow up?

OP posts:
SupermanWithTheGreyHair · 30/07/2021 15:55

I can’t really think of the right thing to say to you OP. What you’ve written is just so appalling. But I will say, so many teens are unhappy with their appearance causing a variety of issues that can last a lifetime...your daughter is happy and confident.... please leave her alone.

Original poster
Ifeelmuchlessfat · 30/07/2021 15:56

Interesting points.

Her size is relevant imo because the skimpy nature of the clothes means she shows more flesh than her size 8 mate in the same dress.

I wouldn’t dream of hurting her feelings or being rude, but I would like her to dress more conservatively. I do realise that this is my problem.

@TheMarzipanDildo yes this! Although I accept that I’m probably a bit prudish, I can see that she should be able to dress like this while she’s young.

OP posts:
HmmmmmmInteresting · 30/07/2021 15:58

@RisingSunn

You need to tell her. You’re her parent. You just need to phrase it differently. She’s too young to be dressing like that. She can do what she wants when she’s an adult.
I agree with this
EmergencyHydrangea · 30/07/2021 15:58

Imagine calling your daughter tarty

Ifonlyidknownthen · 30/07/2021 15:59

Wow, I can't believe the posters who think it's appropriate for a 15 year old girl to wear something so revealing, she's a child and the dress sounds over sexualised. Of course as her mum you have a right to comment on the unsuitability of her dress, however I would focus on that rather than her size and how she looks in it. I also have a 15 year who is quite opposite to tour dd, she's not into clothing and only buys what she feels is necessary, doesn't like revealing things etc.. however if she did choose to buy something that made her look less than nice, I'd be telling her in the nicest way possible it didn't suit or flatter her. My own DM always had a way of telling me I looked a mess in certain things as I was growing up, without being horibble l, and I was glad of her honest opinion, didn't mean I always listened though!

whistlers · 30/07/2021 15:59

@Aquamarine1029

You're her parent, you SHOULD be telling her what you think, and you should be putting your foot down. What she is wearing is totally inappropriate for a girl her age, and in my opinion a girl/woman of any age. Other people can wear whatever the hell they want, but your child, no. She needs direction and guidance from you, not silence. When she's an adult, she can do as she pleases.
This
Datingandnoideahowto · 30/07/2021 15:59

It’s the tarty that gets me. It’s just clothes. They’re not a moral judgement on her, they’re just clothes.

You’re ascribing behaviour to a young teen based on her clothes.

All I will say is. It was ever thus. It’s an age for experimentation and getting it wrong and looking a bit ridiculous but thinking you look great (me, circa 1983 in a batwing top and bun skimming lime green mini).

Chill.

GetTaeFuck · 30/07/2021 16:00

If you think clothes on a child are sexual, you need help.

HmmmmmmInteresting · 30/07/2021 16:00

@SupermanWithTheGreyHair

I can’t really think of the right thing to say to you OP. What you’ve written is just so appalling. But I will say, so many teens are unhappy with their appearance causing a variety of issues that can last a lifetime...your daughter is happy and confident.... please leave her alone.
Easy for you to say, but we all live in the real world. Women should be able to wear whatever they like but I would not let my 15 year old walk around like that with the way I know men talk about and treat women
Datingandnoideahowto · 30/07/2021 16:00

It’s the calling her tarty I can’t get past tbh.

And there’s no point banning her from wearing it. She will just change at a mate’s.

whistlers · 30/07/2021 16:00

@EmergencyHydrangea

Imagine calling your daughter tarty
Op called the clothes tarty
accentdusoleil · 30/07/2021 16:04

Maybe you don't understand todays fashion

I think it's great that women and girls of all sizes are being encouraged to dress how they want

It's her body. Let her choose her own fashion path.

I'm sure she hates your dress sense too

QuentinBunbury · 30/07/2021 16:04

If you think clothes on a child are sexual, you need help.
Unfortunately there are loads of men out there who equate certain ways of dressing with sexual availability and those are who I worry about. Yes they need help to understand that 15 year olds aren't being intentionally sexually provocative but as we live in a society where alleged rapists can use the victims underwear choice in their defence, we are very far from that.

Although I'm guessing your sentence only applies to mums, not the general man on the street Confused

MrsMiddleMother · 30/07/2021 16:04

Sounds like the clothes are completely inappropriate for a 15 year old, a child. I don't think it should have anything to do with her figure or weight, but be honest and tell her these clothes are not right.

whydoesitalwayshappentome · 30/07/2021 16:05

Having had alot of damage caused to my mental health by my mother being judgemental and she still is, my advice is to leave well alone. I wore hideous skinny jeans in the 80's that I had to lie on the bed to put on and I expect I looked horrendous but it is part of growing up. We all make fashion mistakes, let her keep her body confidence.

whistlers · 30/07/2021 16:05

No one chooses their fashion in a vacuum. We'd all live in massive t shirts and joggers if that was the case.

Revealing clothes are meant to draw attention. That's the issue. She's 15

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 30/07/2021 16:06

Don't be that Mum.

I know people personally and have seen people on here who have said how constant critique of their appearance effected them psychologically.

I worked with someone years ago, who went and got completely changed and changed all her makeup to meet her Mum and she told me it was because her Mum would openly judge her outfit every time she saw her. I was shocked for her.

yikesanotherbooboo · 30/07/2021 16:09

I agree with SleepingStandingUp.
There is an epidemic of anxiety in teenaged children at the moment and it is our job to help our DC to feel happy in their own skin. Any hint that someone important to them is critical will be taken to heart. I totally know where you are coming from btw but this is just a phase . The other thing I would say is that she has eyes. She knows that she is bigger than her friends and that the garments aren't necessarily flattering. It is still her choice to wear them . She doesn't need anyone to make her feel bad.

pleasedonttextmyman · 30/07/2021 16:09

I wouldn't let my 15 yo go out in any clothes I find inappropriate frankly. It's just being a parent.

Yes, it's easier to be a lazy parent and let them do whatever they want, but you don't have kids to have an easy life Hmm

It's not about "hurting their feeling", it's about teaching them how to behave, and dress.

No wonder so many kids are a nightmare with parents who can't be arsed to give them any guidance or don't dare telling them what (not) to do.

audweb · 30/07/2021 16:09

I don’t mean to be horrible but all these comments bout sexualisation and men - men will do things like rape regardless of what we are wearing as women. Her wearing these clothes is not an invitation, and nor would it be a reason.

My daughter is only 8 but I’m ready for her to wear whatever she wants at that age. Wasn’t it always this way? Don’t teenagers wear clothes their parents have always disapproved of?

Just be happy she’s confident in her body. Honestly - for a teenager is that not the most wonderful thing?!

Nobloat21 · 30/07/2021 16:10

Well I'm watching Love Island. I know! They have boob slings and just boobs taped to open jackets etc. It's just too much!!! I wouldn't want my teenager wearing that. God knows what I'd say though. Mine's 7 and I don't allow crop tops. Worst mummy ever.

pointythings · 30/07/2021 16:10

Thinking the word 'tarty' of your own daughter is pretty appalling.

She'll learn in her own time what is and isn't appropriate. Presumably she spends much of her time stuffed into a crappy unflattering school uniform, so give her a break.

godmum56 · 30/07/2021 16:10

@Ifeelmuchlessfat

I have a lovely bubbly 15yo dd. She’s had her body issues over the years (12/13yo) as was always bigger and taller than her peers, but now somehow seems fine about herself. She’s very large chested and hipped with a small waist and big bum, so probably quite fashionable, but is also frankly a bit overweight but doesn’t care enough atm to reduce the sugar. I’m very happy that she’s happy with her body. I was the same shape and very self conscious and have done everything I could to ensure she is confident in herself.

However… I’m finding it difficult to not comment negatively on her dress sense as it’s SO revealing. She’s proud of her boobs, wears crop tops with spaghetti straps and tiny shorts she’s falling out of. She’s just bought a dress which manages to show off her legs, boobs AND stomach Confused

It’s just so… tarty.
I don’t want to hurt her feelings, and she thinks she looks lovely, so I’m obviously not saying what I really think.

Any advice? Do I just shut up and wait for her to grow up?

"I’m very happy that she’s happy with her body. I was the same shape and very self conscious and have done everything I could to ensure she is confident in herself."

looks like you did an excellent job then :)

Confusedandshaken · 30/07/2021 16:10

My mum once said something similar to my daughter. It triggered body shame and eventually developed into anorexia, an illness that still plagues her over 15 years later. Say NOTHING.

Blossomtoes · 30/07/2021 16:11

@EmergencyHydrangea

Imagine calling your daughter tarty
She didn’t. She described her fashion choices as tarty. MN is a funny old place. There was a thread recently where the majority of posters were clutching their pearls over clothes that sexualise children.

Her size is irrelevant, OP. Unfortunately she’ll have to learn about the consequences of showing a lot of flesh the hard way. It’s pretty uncomfortable having unreconstructed men leer at and ogle you so hopefully this phase won’t last too long.

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