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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Was this anything other than consensual sex?

159 replies

fedupwithemployer · 05/05/2021 06:51

Please help me with this. I keep turning it around in my head and have been unable to sleep all night. I'll keep it brief.

Boy 15
Girl 14

Boy pesters girl for sex. She says no. She is too young and wants to be in a more committed relationship. She's a virgin. Boy asks again, and again. Eventually girl has sex as she wants to stop the nagging, and doesn't want boy to break up with her. Never had a boyfriend. They've been seeing each other a month.

Boy splits up with her the next day.

Thanks.

OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 05/05/2021 06:59

I suppose it is consensual as she said yes, but it’s def coercive. How horrible. Are you the mum of the DD?

JustMarriedAndLovingIt · 05/05/2021 07:01

The girl can’t give consent as she’s under 16 so it would count as rape I think, especially as she wasn’t that keen. That boy sounds like a little shit.

cariadlet · 05/05/2021 07:03

Consensual sex involves enthusiastic consent. This wasn't given. Definitely coercive. Awful behaviour from the boy, especially to break up with the poor girl the next day.

Whether you're the mum of the girl or whether you're looking back on your own past, you have my every sympathy. That was shitty behaviour.

ShadierThanaPalmTree · 05/05/2021 07:05

Neither of them are old enough to consent so in the eyes of the law, yes it is rape. Additionally, it sounds like she was coerced into it, which means tru consent wasn't given. This being said, if it was reported to the police, I find it incredibly unlikely that they would do anything.

HenryHooverIII · 05/05/2021 07:09

Ethically, it's rape as coercion was used.

Actually in terms of the law, consent 'technically' was given and the boy was reasonable to assume that he had consent. So probably not .

Overdueanamechange · 05/05/2021 07:11

Actually the police would do something about this @ShadierThanaPalmTree.
It happened to a friend's child. The two children had sex at school - he was 15, she was 14 and both were willing parties. When the girl's parents found out they call the police who were on my friends and their family like a tonne of bricks. There were interviews with the other children in the house and even a night time raid.
Is your child the boy or the girl @fedupwithemployer?

YukoandHiro · 05/05/2021 07:13

A night time raid @Overdueanamechange ? To achieve what exactly?

I do believe the police would give underage sexual activity some time but not a waste of resources like that!

Original poster
fedupwithemployer · 05/05/2021 07:14

Hi

My child is the DD. The police are involved, but it's early days. I am absolutely distraught, and trying to do everything to help DD.

Thanks for everyone's input so far.

OP posts:
LaBellina · 05/05/2021 07:15

Definitely coercive.
Poor girl. I’m sorry for her that this was her first experience with sex. The boy sounds like a complete little shit.

LaBellina · 05/05/2021 07:17

Just saw your update.
Maybe therapy would be something to consider? Just a few sessions with a professional to help her process this, this sounds really traumatic and something that she will carry with her for life. Unfortunately this kind of experience is very common I think but nonetheless the traumatic impact it can have deserves attention.

Overdueanamechange · 05/05/2021 07:19

@YukoandHiro apparently they wanted to check to see where the children were all sleeping. They were concerned because the boy had younger sisters. I know it sounds far fetched, but I wouldn't make something like this up.
I hope she is okay @fedupwithemployer.

Gogetsalife · 05/05/2021 07:20

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

overnightangel · 05/05/2021 07:20

She’s 14, she can’t give consent

Original poster
fedupwithemployer · 05/05/2021 07:29

Thanks everyone. On my phone, so can't name anyone. I'm very grateful for all your advice.

I don't want to give information, for fear of it being too outing. However, the police are only involved because of the boy's recent behaviour over this situation. We wanted to stop him spreading untrue rumours. When I gave the facts to the police, and they spoke to DD, it was they who decided an offence had taken place. I hadn't even considered it, although I was very mad at the boy.

DD is doing great. She was fantastic talking to the police. Some friends know, yes. Some have been supportive. Some not so much. We're ignoring those (on the advice of the police). They've offered her support. However, she doesn't see herself as a victim yet.

It's a very difficult situation. I'm struggling to deal with it all.

OP posts:
LaBellina · 05/05/2021 07:31

It seems so far you’re doing great OP.
Please stay supportive.
Remind her that it’s not her fault. She did nothing wrong. She shouldn’t be ashamed of herself but the boy should, very very much.

overnightangel · 05/05/2021 07:37

Glad you’ve got the police involved, hopefully this will give him a reputation as a nasty little fucker that will precede him and make other girls keep a good distance from him.

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 05/05/2021 07:43

Might be an idea to do some work on her self confidence so that if a male pesters her in future she has the confidence to tell him to fuck off.

I think it is quite worrying that within a month , she was willing to have sex to avoid a break up.

Original poster
fedupwithemployer · 05/05/2021 07:45

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

Might be an idea to do some work on her self confidence so that if a male pesters her in future she has the confidence to tell him to fuck off.

I think it is quite worrying that within a month , she was willing to have sex to avoid a break up.

I know 😢 I will definitely do this. In fact, I had already, but it appears when push came to shove, she didn't listen.

She really, really liked him. A lot. He had been very nice to her up to this point.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 05/05/2021 07:47

My DD aged 14 and her best friend got sent dickpicks by an older boy (19).

He's now on the sex offenders register, both families got court costs reimbursed and the girls got €500 each. I was extremely pleasantly surprised by the outcome. However he is now 21and his current gf is 16 so he's not really adjusted his mindset.

DH was against us going to court. Boy sufficiently punished, money we don't have at the moment for a lawyer. But I felt showing the DDs, we have 3, that they could stand up for themselves was more important.

Wallywobbles · 05/05/2021 07:50

The girls had the possibility of having a private court session but they decided they wanted it heard publicly - the power of 2 I think.

LaBellina · 05/05/2021 07:50

@Wallywobbles

The girls had the possibility of having a private court session but they decided they wanted it heard publicly - the power of 2 I think.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Brave young women. Very well done Flowers
alloutofcareunits · 05/05/2021 08:15

For those stating it's rape if under 16 that's not true. It's only statutory rape if she was under 13, other circumstances would need to apply if over 13.

whoopsicle · 05/05/2021 08:28

Something similar happened to me at a similar age. I was 15 and had met a boy who was 21 (obviously at the time I thought this was 'so cool' because he was older). He really pressured me in to having sex, stating that he would break up with me as he would be able to find plenty of other willing girls so I gave in and consented to sex. The next morning he had spotted blood on the sheets, I was mortified and just went home. He then spread rumours through other girls he knew in my school that I had bled ect and basically ruined my life for a short while. It's only now that I'm much older and a mother myself that it really hit me and it made me realise what choices I made after that were all influenced by this encounter. I would easily give in to boys and on numerous occasions did things I didn't want to do because I was worried of it all happening again and them telling people about me.
Sorry to ramble but my point is that your daughter may not feel like a victim now but this may influence how she acts in these situations in future so maybe something like counselling would be worth a go.

KaleSlayer · 05/05/2021 08:42

That’s awful OP. I really hope your daughter is ok, and you too. Flowers

Branleuse · 05/05/2021 09:19

I dont think it was really consensual, no. Hugs to your dd. I hope someone slaps that boy

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