Was this anything other than consensual sex?

[fedupwithemployer]

Please help me with this. I keep turning it around in my head and have been unable to sleep all night. I'll keep it brief.

Boy 15
Girl 14

Boy pesters girl for sex. She says no. She is too young and wants to be in a more committed relationship. She's a virgin. Boy asks again, and again. Eventually girl has sex as she wants to stop the nagging, and doesn't want boy to break up with her. Never had a boyfriend. They've been seeing each other a month.

Boy splits up with her the next day.

Thanks.

Girls do know that saying no is ok though, only some don't and even then it comes from low self esteem and attachment issues and a whole load of other issues.
Stop victimsing this girl when she should be empowered. Stop making her feel like she has been assaulted when in reality ( based on the facts given here) she fell for a stupid boys words.
She did nothing wrong at all but will learn she deserves more than a silly boys who lie and are disrespectful, ensure she never gets in that position again and kicks him to the curb where he belongs.
We've all been there at some point with boys/men chancing their luck and you learn fast to know they don't mean what they say and only want one thing.
I say this as someone who has been the victim of a sexual assault at 15 and there's a massive difference.

@fedupwithemployer

It might not seem it, but talking it through and hearing differing opinions is helping. So, thank you to everyone for taking the time to help. It's much appreciated.

You are a wonderful caring mum op and your daughter is lucky to have you in her corner. Of course as her mum you feel the way you do and you are desperate to protect her and put this right. Nothing said is personal but as you say objectively it's all prt of growing up, learning boundaries and sadly some teens spread gossip, rumours and all sorts to get what they want but learning how to stand up to it and brush it off is so important when life starts to really get rough as an adult

@scotsllb Thank you 😊

I pray my sons don't turn out like this horrible little monster! :(

@cakefanatic

I think we are picking up on something that’s really complex in the adult world, let alone for children. Some people think that rape by nature is quite a violent crime, some people think that anything not enthusiastically consensual is also rape.

Consent, and enthusiastic consent, is a real issue, especially for this age group where there are all sorts of social pressures adding to the situation. Most teens (and many over the age of consent) lack emotional maturity, and as a teen myself, I had not really been taught how to stand up for myself in these situations. Definitely I would have considered ‘not minding’ something happening as being consensual (I didn’t say no), but as an adult I realise that that is also not ok. There are many situations I wish I could go back and change.

Probably the best outcome is a good talking to for the boy. A full trial will be traumatic for everyone involved, and might not actually help your daughter (what she wants is key). But I say that with the understanding that this wasn’t a physically forceful situation. Even if ‘only’ coerced, she needs to understand that his behaviour is not ok. As does he.

What a sensitive, well considered response.

I experienced a very similar situation as a teen, and I lacked the agency & ability to say no. I had been brought up to be a people pleaser & I didn't have the confidence or self esteem to say no. The first time I had sex I had definitely been pestered & coerced - I thought I'd be ridiculed if I didn't, but it was consensual in that I didn't say no.

The boy in question was also a product of a toxic culture of teen boys pressuring one another & one upmanship - I think parents have a tough job bringing up teens.

Thanks @Dazedandconfused28. And @fedupwithemployer fwiw it sounds like you’re being a brilliant mother to your child. You are showing her that men can’t pressure her into doing things she doesn’t want, and that you are ready to fight with her if she wants to.

Probably this is a learning point for her whole peer group. That consensual sex means just that, two people who are enthusiastically willing to have intercourse and who are emotionally mature enough to understand what that means.

Teenage hormones are intense. I have several things that as an adult I wouldn’t have done, but I also remember mooning over boys like a lovesick puppy, only to maybe not feel the same way in the moment. And then the anguish about being called a ‘tease’ or worse.

I remember some kids at my school in ‘relationships’ having sex at about 14. I always remember feeling vaguely disgusted by the concept at that age. And as an adult I’m horrified. It was common knowledge, the teachers must have known. Nobody did anything about it.

Maybe you can show your daughter this thread? Or an edit of it? One thing MN does really well is to unite women on matters like this.

If she doesn’t see herself as a victim then I wouldn’t encourage her too. Something very very similar happened to me at 14 and it’s had literally no effect on my life whatsoever!

Thanks so much @cakefanatic very wise words.

This thread has helped me massively, so thanks everyone.

I'd say it's coerced sex so yes possibly rape. Not really consensual. But I imagine that proving that would be very very difficult in court.

What a little twat he is.

@alloutofcareunits

For those stating it's rape if under 16 that's not true. It's only statutory rape if she was under 13, other circumstances would need to apply if over 13.

There is no offence of statutory rape in the U.K. there are different offences for children under 13 but not that

Sorry seen you've moved on from initial question. If police are willing to pursue it that's great. Coercion isn't consent. Well done to your daughter

And yes, I'd be keen for them to scare the shit out of him about coercion. Otherwise he might think he can do this over and over and worse.

Things are progressing slowly here. DD seems to be a bit better in herself. We will know more about what's happening next week. I'm confident that the police will do the right thing.

Thanks everyone.

How are you and your daughter OP?

@YukoandHiro

How are you and your daughter OP?

Thanks for asking @YukoandHiro

We're not too bad. Things are progressing, albeit slowly. DD is back at school, and doing well.

I'll update what happens when I have the answers myself.

I'm so pleased to hear she's ok at school.

It makes me sick as a pig that all this sex education and we've not managed to teach boys not to coerce girls into sex, and not to treat them appallingly afterward.

We don't know the whole story. We do know Fed's DD was upset, that the police ended up involved and are investigating.

It's a terrible situation, and I'm surprised at the acceptance from some of the PPs.

@picklemewalnuts I'd love to be able to tell the full story, but I can't at the minute due to the ongoing investigation. I don't want to jeopardise anything.

Suffice to say, he is being dealt with.

@picklemewalnuts sorry, meant to also say thank you for your kind words.

Your poor DD, no real advice. I’d just say that it’s important for her to see this through as she may stop this boy going on to do this to someone else or to escalate his behaviour. She’s very brave.

Thank you @Suzi888

Boys need more education. That 15 year old boy might be at Uni in a few years thinking it’s okay to have sex with girls who might have had a few too many drinks and cannot consent. It happens all the time and instead putting the focus on telling women how not to dress or how not to drink too much or how to defend themselves how about teaching boys the rules of consent and perhaps throw in a few workshops on how not to be a bloody rapist. It’s a fine line between coercion and rape.

Look at the reports of rape culture in our schools where some victims are as young as nine, nobody wants to deal with child on child rape or assault. As far as I’m concerned that boy blackmailed OPs DD into having sex, that’s non-consensual, she’s 14 so therefore it’s rape. I hope he feels the full force of the law.

Thanks @Eightiesfan I agree. Believe me, he will.

If this was between a husband and wife there would be outrage and cries of LTB and talk of abuse and rape. Only on Mumsnet could we hold 13 year old girls to a higher standard than married woman.

I hope your daughter is ok, and the boy gets what he deserves - if we allow boys to see this behaviour as acceptable at this age it will only get worse as he gets older. Victim blaming is never ok.

Thank you @RogueRebel she's being braver than I thought.

Sometimes I worry that she's taking it so well, she doesn't get the gravity of it - which is fine, I don't push it - but may crash and burn at some point. I'm keeping an open dialogue going, and she knows she can talk to me anytime.

“Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

Might be an idea to do some work on her self confidence so that if a male pesters her in future she has the confidence to tell him to fuck off.”

This might be a really good idea to re-build her confidence and also let her know what boundaries she is allowed to have whatever anyone else says.

Poor thing. I am so sorry this happened💐
What a horrible character that boy must have been already at 15. Who would have thought someone that age would be so predatory? No wonder your daughter did not know.