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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Was this anything other than consensual sex?

159 replies

fedupwithemployer · 05/05/2021 06:51

Please help me with this. I keep turning it around in my head and have been unable to sleep all night. I'll keep it brief.

Boy 15
Girl 14

Boy pesters girl for sex. She says no. She is too young and wants to be in a more committed relationship. She's a virgin. Boy asks again, and again. Eventually girl has sex as she wants to stop the nagging, and doesn't want boy to break up with her. Never had a boyfriend. They've been seeing each other a month.

Boy splits up with her the next day.

Thanks.

OP posts:

Original poster

fedupwithemployer · 05/05/2021 09:35

@whoopsicle

Something similar happened to me at a similar age. I was 15 and had met a boy who was 21 (obviously at the time I thought this was 'so cool' because he was older). He really pressured me in to having sex, stating that he would break up with me as he would be able to find plenty of other willing girls so I gave in and consented to sex. The next morning he had spotted blood on the sheets, I was mortified and just went home. He then spread rumours through other girls he knew in my school that I had bled ect and basically ruined my life for a short while. It's only now that I'm much older and a mother myself that it really hit me and it made me realise what choices I made after that were all influenced by this encounter. I would easily give in to boys and on numerous occasions did things I didn't want to do because I was worried of it all happening again and them telling people about me. Sorry to ramble but my point is that your daughter may not feel like a victim now but this may influence how she acts in these situations in future so maybe something like counselling would be worth a go.

Thank for sharing your experience. How awful for you.

I definitely feel that DD will feel the implications of this more as she gets older.

She's at home today whilst we try and process the next steps. She's exhausted talking about it I think. I'm going to leave her for a while until we hear from the police again.

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 05/05/2021 13:27

I feel so sorry for her but i have to ask....would you have gone to the police if he hadn't dumped her?

I think it is a horrible experience and a real learning point for her but i don't think it is something the police should be involved in.

Christmasfairy2020 · 05/05/2021 15:08

Hmm she's 14 and had sex that she agreed to. She needs to learn not to be a pushover and only do things she wants to and not what others tell her she wants to do. Not a police issue it's a patenting learning curve for you both.

Travellor · 05/05/2021 15:17

Unless the law has changed sex with a girl under 16 can be dealt with as Unlawful Sexual Intercourse so certainly one for the police

Branleuse · 05/05/2021 15:19

Do you think she needs to keep talking about it? Theres a risk that you could make it worse for her

Original poster

fedupwithemployer · 05/05/2021 15:30

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

I feel so sorry for her but i have to ask....would you have gone to the police if he hadn't dumped her?

I think it is a horrible experience and a real learning point for her but i don't think it is something the police should be involved in.

I didn't go to the police because he dumped her. In any event, he was contacting her again. She told me (before I knew about the sex). I had advised her to block him and move on.

He then started with nasty rumours. I contacted the police about this. They then decided there was a case to answer. Not me. I didn't report him for any sexual offence.

She's been on the receiving end of a lot of nasty messages today, and is now afraid to go back to school.

Thanks to those that say she just had sex that she agreed too. The police think different, fortunately. She's too young to give consent and she was coerced. On further delving, she never actually said 'yes'. She just stopped saying no.

OP posts:

whoopsicle · 05/05/2021 15:35

Op please don't feel bad for contacting the police. I wish I would have told an adult at the time and then got the help needed. You are doing what is right for your daughter x

Original poster

fedupwithemployer · 05/05/2021 16:22

Thank you @whoopsicle

OP posts:

cariadlet · 05/05/2021 16:30

Op please ignore the minority of posters who seem to have had a total empathy bypass. Talking about a 14 year old girl as a pushover is disgusting.

This is a young, inexperienced girl who was coerced into doing something that she didn't want to by a boy who she really cared for and who she thought cared for her.

I'm sorry to hear about the nasty messages. It must seem overwhelming to your dd right now. But you are being so supportive and it will get better for her. Unfortunately, she probably will be talked about by some students but they'll move on and it will become yesterday's news.

My dd made a mistake when she was at secondary school. It was something that we'd talked about and I'd warned her about but she didn't put what she knew into practice and did something which she regretted. It seemed the end of the world at the time. We had lots of tears and cuddles.

Eventually things blew over, the real friends stuck by her and it's all in the past now.

I'm sure that your dd must feel terrible about the whole situation, but with your support she will get through this and hopefully come out the other side a stronger young woman who's able to stick to her own boundaries.

MondeoFan · 05/05/2021 16:31

I have been in a similar situation.
In my case the DD was 15 and boy was 15 too. Girl didn't consent so was most definitely rape.
DD didn't name the boy through fear of recrimination even though the police were called.
She wouldn't name the boy to head of safeguarding at school although the incident happened on a weekend outside school.
In the end she left the school 3 months before exams as the stress of seeing him everyday really got to her.
I feel so angry as he has just got away with it.

Original poster

fedupwithemployer · 05/05/2021 16:35

@MondeoFan

I have been in a similar situation. In my case the DD was 15 and boy was 15 too. Girl didn't consent so was most definitely rape. DD didn't name the boy through fear of recrimination even though the police were called. She wouldn't name the boy to head of safeguarding at school although the incident happened on a weekend outside school. In the end she left the school 3 months before exams as the stress of seeing him everyday really got to her. I feel so angry as he has just got away with it.

So, so sorry to hear this. Even more sorry to hear he got away with it. I hope your DD has managed to move on as best she can x

OP posts:

Original poster

fedupwithemployer · 05/05/2021 16:36

Thank you so much @cariadlet I really appreciate your kind words.

OP posts:

RealisticSketch · 05/05/2021 16:56

I listened to radio 4 recently where a mum was telling the excellence she and her daughter had. The dd was taped police were involved but the boys family weren't interested and the school didn't do anything to affect the boy he was able to go about his business as usual while she was isolated. The upshot was that he got off Scot free and found it funny to watch as her life crashed round her ears as she lost friends, couldn't be involved in the same things as before. All her confidence was lost and she was the only one 'punished'. The mother was heartbroken when her daughter said she regretted telling her as the assault was nothing to compared to events that followed. Not to scale you but it's definitely a year carefully situation. Awful I know, I was teared up just listening to their story. It was so far from justice and fairness as to be unreal. The school handled it so badly. I truly hope your experience is much closer to how it ought to be.

RealisticSketch · 05/05/2021 16:57

Excellence=experience
Taped=raped.
Oops

PurpleMustang · 05/05/2021 17:02

Oh I want to give her a hug. It is the worst way to find out that boys/men will be extremely nice to you to then start to pressure to get what they want.

FixTheBone · 05/05/2021 17:13

Unless there's hard evidence via messaging,? Videos etc, it's going to be really difficult to make a successful prosecution from what you've said. Unfortunately there's no law against being a total shit, and their ages make all of the law around consent, statutory rape etc ambiguous at best.

The best outcome might be to persuade the police to truly scare the crap out of this lad, interviews under caution and a tonne of education about not only the law but the ethical and moral boundaries, he needs to understand how close he is to being a registered sex offender.

YukoandHiro · 05/05/2021 17:33

Exactly what I thought @PurpleMustang - I feel so sorry for this DD learning this so young

murbblurb · 05/05/2021 17:44

Coercion - and telling the whole school that she's a slut is the standard follow up, I'm afraid. I am so, so sorry. Your daughter is a victim, no 'but'.

Bluntness100 · 05/05/2021 17:51

I’m sorry op that she’s encountered this so young.

Legally when sex occurs between 13 and 15 they need to look at coercion. So the accusation always will drive a case to investigate. Although it’s illegal, over 13 children are deeme to be capable of consent with another child in the same age range, so they will need to speak to him and hear his side and also look at her decision making skills.

It’s likely this will be her word against his. Unless there is evidence he will likely say it eas her who wanted to have sex as he was thinking of dumping her anyway and he just went with it.

Unless there is something in the harassment he has been doing that would help the police?

What has he been saying about her?

MondeoFan · 05/05/2021 18:01

@RealisticSketch and some of these reasons are why my DD wouldn't tell the school or police his name. Through fear of this type of thing happening. Him going about his normal life and hers getting much, much worse

MondeoFan · 05/05/2021 18:03

@fedupwithemployer

Well it'll affect her for the rest of her life I guess. She is having therapy at the moment that specialises in trauma.
She's been traumatised by it, but it's still very early days. I hope she will move on from it eventually and she can get into the college of her choice even though she hasn't been able to take any assessments.
Thanks for your kind words

Regularsizedrudy · 05/05/2021 18:07

She is under 16 so cannot consent. He coerced her into sex, that is rape. You are doing the RIGHT thing, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. This isn’t just about your dd, making him face the consequences for his actions now will protect who knows how many other girls from being raped by this little shit.

Regularsizedrudy · 05/05/2021 18:08

Too often we let things like this go and view it as a lesson learnt, all this does it leave him free to assault other girls and women as he gets older. It needs dealing with now, not swept under the rug.

RealisticSketch · 05/05/2021 18:13

[quote MondeoFan]@RealisticSketch and some of these reasons are why my DD wouldn't tell the school or police his name. Through fear of this type of thing happening. Him going about his normal life and hers getting much, much worse [/quote]
It makes your blood boil doesn't it. I was utterly shocked how let down by the school she was, institutional reasons why justice doesn't happen is almost more understandable cos the faults are built into the system but a school has the ability to take a decision and it would be within the power of the head to make it break that situation. Me and dh were listening to her story and our hair was just curling at how this poor young girls trauma was compounded and doubled repeatedly by the whole society around her. 😠

Mykittensmittens · 05/05/2021 18:23

This happened to me. I was 15 and he was 17. He was in my sixth form. I adored him. Fancied him for months and somehow we’d had several ‘dates’ and snogging sessions and stupidly I assumed we were bf/gf (this was years ago, in the 80’s before status declarations or officially being asked out was a thing). He went on and on about it and with the whole ‘if you loved me you would’ crap i gave in. I was so upset throughout I was shaking like a leaf. The next day that little shit told everyone in school I enjoyed it so much I was shaking with pleasure and that I must be pretty ‘loose’ to do it when he wasn’t even my girlfriend. I really wish I’d done something about it. Instead I just took the endless taunting till I left. Nasty nasty person. I hope your DD is okay.

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