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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I think my 16 year old son has got his gf pregnant...

337 replies

Meltinthemiddle · 26/04/2021 15:41

But I think her mum has already took him and her to get an a abortion. I can't be sure yet though. I feel sick. He's been going off the rails recently and this has just topped everything. I'm not ready to be a gran anymore then they are parents. And is she has had an abortion should her parents have told us? My son has mild learning difficulties and mental health issues it's alot for him to cope with alone.

OP posts:
Maggiesfarm · 26/04/2021 17:34

another comma needed after the second 'you' in first paragraph.

Bluntness100 · 26/04/2021 17:34

If people are going down the statutory rape lane really it’s pointless, unless she’s about 12 but if she’s 15 and he’s 16 then as much as it’s illegal with his learning difficulties and as it was consensual this would never be charged

Op, can you contact her parents?

iamtheoneandonlyyy · 26/04/2021 17:39

Also this country doesn't have statutory rape.
Some of these replies are mind blowing, it's happened now and it's not good but what she wants to do, goes.
Hopefully lesson learned

DroopyDaff · 26/04/2021 17:40

As a mother of teenage DS’s you have my sympathy OPFlowers. As the mother of a now adult DD, I also have sympathy with the girls parents. Maybe they’re looking at it from a positive angle. There are worse things that can happen in life, so you need to take a breath and calm down.

You need to speak to her parents ASAP. Preferably with you all there to see what the plan is. The best outcome would obviously be an abortion to us as adults who know how this will impact their lives but it’s the girl’s decision and no one else’s.

You also need to talk to the school tomorrow as a PP said. This will get around like wildfire so your DS will need support at school. They may have advice on getting SS involved if they think there may be a safeguarding issue to the baby due to their ages if the pregnancy is going to go ahead?

momtoboys · 26/04/2021 17:40

I would lose my sh*t.

TheSockMonster · 26/04/2021 17:43

I didn’t mean to attack you personally @SunshineCake, I just vehemently disagreed with your point of view.

I don’t want to derail OP’s thread, but I had only hoped to challenge some of the internalised misogyny that we all carry to one degree or another. I did not intend to make you feel bad Smile

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 26/04/2021 17:45

Fucking hell, mumsnet would be spinning on its axis if an NT 16 year old boy got a girl with learning difficulties pregnant. This is no different, he's possibly ended up in a situation he doesn't fully understand and is clearly unable to comprehend the consequences.

This is such a sad situation op, I really hope your family and son come through this OK. I know it seems horrific now and it is, but try to keep a clear head and look after yourself too. Flowers

joystir59 · 26/04/2021 17:50

Why is it a tragedy? They could parent the child with support from both sets of parents. It could work and the baby be loved and grow up and the parents go back to education or vocational training later on/ during. I'd suggest a meeting to include all.parents( grandparents to be) and the parents to be to see how this can work across both families. Firstly though, the girl has to be supported to make her choice about what she wants to do, without any pressure to either keep or abort. Get body, her choice.

Viviennemary · 26/04/2021 17:52

It looks as if her parents have dealt with it. I don't know if there is anything to be gained by discussions unless your son raises it with you.

Paddington102 · 26/04/2021 17:52

I can totally understand why you're feeling stressed OP. Has your son actually confirmed the pregnancy yet? I definitely think you need to speak to the GFs parents to see what's going on x

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 26/04/2021 17:55

I'm not using the learning difficulties as a way to say she took advantage. I've told him and warned him not to use condoms regardless if she is on the pill. I just meant he has alot of issues and he doesnt have realistic ideas. He's so immature. I have social services involved already as he's been going missing, bunking school, getting drunk. In fact she's coming this week and now this has happened!! I'm sorry I can't stay calm I'm having a moment I can't help it. I will speak to other parents but I think we totally different parenting styles.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 26/04/2021 17:56

This sounds like a message nighjtmare scenario. The girl is under 16 so most likely SS will get involved. In your place I would ring girls parents and say you have heard s rumour the girl is pregnant. Ask if you could go over with your son and discuss practicalities. If she is definitely pregnant and has the baby your son will have to pay child support. He will need to work very hard at school. Could he get a part time job dog walking or similar to help save up to buy things for baby? If he is to be a father he needs to get involved and understand the consequences of getting his girlfriend pregnant. There is still time for the girl to reflect and decide on an abortion. She will get morning sickness and that might make her reconsider. Does the school have one of those pretend babies students can borrow for weekend? You have to change their nappy, feed etc and if you don't respond appropriately the baby cries and cries. All students should be made to care for one of these when they are 13 or 14.

ReginaaPhalange · 26/04/2021 17:56

@Meltinthemiddle

I'm not using the learning difficulties as a way to say she took advantage. I've told him and warned him not to use condoms regardless if she is on the pill. I just meant he has alot of issues and he doesnt have realistic ideas. He's so immature. I have social services involved already as he's been going missing, bunking school, getting drunk. In fact she's coming this week and now this has happened!! I'm sorry I can't stay calm I'm having a moment I can't help it. I will speak to other parents but I think we totally different parenting styles.
Wait a minute - you've told him NOT to use condoms? Please tell me that's a typo!!
Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 26/04/2021 17:56

She hasn't had an abortion!! I thought she had. I was guessing. I've only just found at 3pm today so yes I'm still in shock. He's gone out like nothing has happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 26/04/2021 17:57

Of course it is!! I'm rambling. I'm shaking.

OP posts:
Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 26/04/2021 17:57

Yes

OP posts:
Ideasplease322 · 26/04/2021 17:59

@RandomMess

I so saddened by the posters that are clearly misreading the ops posts and having a go at her for being upset and concerned for her son.

As a Mum of girls I actually feel it's easier to deal with these circumstances than being the Mum of the boy.

What I reacted to was her insistence that she should been told. Like the girl wasn’t a person in her own right and she and her husband had a right to know her most intimate medical information.

Her son does seem to have a lot of issues - and this is an unfortunate situation, but it doesn’t give her the right her to know about an abortion. Clearly things have moved on since then, but that is what I reacted strongly to at the top of this thread. The lack of respect for the girls privacy and autonomy.

TooManyAnimals94 · 26/04/2021 17:59

@GoodbyePorpoiseSpit

Ahhhhhhh. The absolute scenes of misogyny on this thread blows my mind “not fair that the woman gets to dictate” “men can be stupid when their sex life is at play” Jesus wept. Op you honestly do seem to be more incensed by the girl and her family than your DS. He was involved, he didn’t use protection presumably and he sounds immature so maybe part of your anger is at yourself for not ensuring he was completely secure in how to use contraception before embarking on a sexual relationship.
This...plus a lot of unfair assumptions about teenage parents. There is no reason why young parents should be bad parents. I feel sorry for the OP but rather than wallow in the crisis of it all, sit down with both son and gf and find out if they actually have a plan, if she has support etc.
Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 26/04/2021 17:59

If I could have put my son on the pill I bloody would have!!

OP posts:
stuckinarutatwork · 26/04/2021 18:05

@GelfBride

Is it worth you trying to persuade her to abort OP? Offer support, offer to pay. You have little to lose if you do it with compassion.
Confused
Lionsdinner · 26/04/2021 18:06

So sorry OP, I don't know why people aren't helping. You have been clear and very fair throughout.

The school will always report about the pregnancy test, my DP is a teacher and has done the same even with the Pill when girls were showing it around. A lot of teachers report everything to be on the safe side.

I can't believe this has happened but it's time to accept it. If she's the same school year there is no breach and no court would look unfavourably on your DS so MN shouldn't either.

I understand why you mentioned the disability, he is somewhat clueless as what's to come.

You need to sit down with the parents and discuss next steps.

JosephineBaker · 26/04/2021 18:06

You poor thing, OP, you must be going through hell.

DroopyDaff · 26/04/2021 18:07

Obviously that was a typo ReginaaHmm. The OP is extremely stressed out.

OP get off MN as you really don’t need stupid comments right now. Can you talk to a relative or friend in RL for support?

It’s good that SS are already involved with your DS in a way as they will know his background.

First things first. Try to calm down. Have a good cry if you need to. Run a bath, a stiff drink? It’s a shit situation and not want you wanted for your DS. Do you run, have a bike, to get out for half an hour if you can? Order takeaway so you don’t need to think about cooking.

When you feel calmer, contact her parents saying you’re aware of what’s happened and would like to meet them to discuss it. Take it from there. Speak to school and DS’s social worker tomorrow. Don’t think too far in the future.

RandomMess · 26/04/2021 18:10

I suspect what the op really wanted to know is if they were having sex and if they both were using protection and if they weren't she would have read him the riot act.

So the question was really "do I have the right to know if my non-gillick competent DS is having sexual without contraception"

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 26/04/2021 18:11

I haven't demanded to know the girls information at all! I asked should they have told us? I'm fully aware of my sons part in this believe me. If he showed maturity and a good work attitude then I'd be less concerned but he's not shown any of that! Yes it's happened and we have to deal with it and support them. But if you have a child who is going to be a dad who also needs support and has done for a while but we didn't get it then obviously I am concerned about all their futures even the baby😔

OP posts: