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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I think my 16 year old son has got his gf pregnant...

337 replies

Meltinthemiddle · 26/04/2021 15:41

But I think her mum has already took him and her to get an a abortion. I can't be sure yet though. I feel sick. He's been going off the rails recently and this has just topped everything. I'm not ready to be a gran anymore then they are parents. And is she has had an abortion should her parents have told us? My son has mild learning difficulties and mental health issues it's alot for him to cope with alone.

OP posts:
Notanotherter · 26/04/2021 18:14

People are getting weird about what rights they think they are entitled to because it involves 16 year olds and pregnancy. Let's do a refresher course shall we!

  • Her body, her choice
  • A man's reproductive rights end at ejaculation, don't like it, use a condom/abstain/have a vasectomy because once she is pregnant, her body her choice and you will be financially responsible. Blame biology
  • No just because your son is a 16 year old, vulnerable or not, does not entitle you to her medical records, or allow you to get a vote on what she does with her body
  • Her body her choice
  • No you do not get to persuade her to have an abortion
  • No just because it is your potential grandchild you don't get to be updated on her choices with her body
  • Her body, her choice
Appreciate it is difficult to wait while she makes a life changing decision that has the power to change your life, but her life is impacted more than anyone else hence why her body, her choice
Lollypop701 · 26/04/2021 18:14

Op my sympathy. Not many would choose for their teenage child to be a parent. The learning difficulties only add to this stress. You need to give yourself time to get your head around this. Good luck whatever happens and ignore the haters, focus on advice, there will be some I hope

SoupDragon · 26/04/2021 18:15

@Hellocatshome

Well if he is 16 and she is under 16 that's a whole new problem on top of the pregnancy.
Not if he is only 16.
Paddington102 · 26/04/2021 18:16

Please people... Read the OPs posts!!!!!! And stop putting words in her mouth!

BluebellsGreenbells · 26/04/2021 18:16

Notanotherter

I think you need to read OPs posts.

Why are you not understanding OP basic right to know of her son has produced a pregnancy from not being careful?

OP hasn’t washed her hands of them, she’s just trying to grasp the full situation!

You aren’t helping

suggestionsplease1 · 26/04/2021 18:16

I know you're in shock but that will wear off in time and you'll feel more able to help with this situation.

I think you just have to support them each step of the way now. If the girl is confident she wants to keep the pregnancy that's her decision, and actually, as others have said, this need not be devastating. Try not to catastrophise. Your son, presently at least, feels very positive about the situation, getting a job - maybe this is an opportunity for him to step up and gain a bit of maturity.

I don't really see what point there is further berating a boy in this situation - the time for that lesson has passed, it's too late. Now is the time to help them make good decisions at each next stage. Don't look too far into the future, you will only be tempted to think the worst. When actually it could be an opportunity for him to maturely look at his responsibilities.

Give him calm guidance for going forward rather than anger for what you consider to be poor past choices. It's a shame to cultivate negative feelings when a child is coming into the world, even though you are concerned about the circumstances around it.

inappropriateraspberry · 26/04/2021 18:16

Do her parents know if his learning difficulties/mental health? That may change things.

Paddington102 · 26/04/2021 18:18

Amen!!

Tron30 · 26/04/2021 18:19
Flowers
Notanotherter · 26/04/2021 18:20

*Her son does seem to have a lot of issues - and this is an unfortunate situation, but it doesn’t give her the right her to know about an abortion. Clearly things have moved on since then, but that is what I reacted strongly to at the top of this thread. The lack of respect for the girls privacy and autonomy.

I read OP's posts and stand by my comment. You have no right to insist on being informed about an abortion. I agree with the PP's post above entirely. Feel for you OP, but still this girl deserves her autonomy and privacy.

AgentProvocateur · 26/04/2021 18:20

OP, there but for the grace of god go many of us. What a shock. Be kind to yourself and give yourself a couple of days to process things and calm down before you speak to them both.

Quincie · 26/04/2021 18:20

Are her parents wealthy - hopefully the couple can then live with them.
Otherwise I'm not sure what they can live on as he won't get much of a job.

Notanotherter · 26/04/2021 18:21

Why are you not understanding OP basic right to know of her son has produced a pregnancy from not being careful?

OP has no such right. This girl does have the right to her bodily autonomy, privacy and who and when she discloses her medical record to.

Twoobles · 26/04/2021 18:21

I find it odd that no one really seems to give a shit about the girl in all this. She’s the one who will be pregnant for 9 months, forced to miss school, have to give birth, do most of the baby care as she’ll most likely be at her parental home with the baby and have to deal with the fact the dad is immature and childish with little chance of gaining basic qualifications and thus, minimal to no earning potential.

It’s her choice to keep the baby but wow. Poor girl and poor baby. What a mess.

Notanotherter · 26/04/2021 18:22

I say 5his as a mother of 3 DSes too.

Letsgetstarted · 26/04/2021 18:24
Flowers
IEat · 26/04/2021 18:25

So she is pregnant
Do they want a child
Sounds like both families need to her to together and talk to their children.
If he doesn’t want a child and she does it’s up to her, like waist of her does and she doesn’t
It’s not fair but it is the facts.
I feel for them both, how bloody scary

WhoWants2Know · 26/04/2021 18:27

I don't know if this is relevant in any way, but you mentioned that he had gone to a doctors appointment with her. Why did that happen?

GinAndTonicOnIt · 26/04/2021 18:27

Hi OP. My son has verbal dyspraxia. He is much younger than yours, but I can sympathise completely with the effect it has on parenting. Your situation is something I am worried about happening for him later in life and can understand your feelings completely.

What's done is done. She is pregnant. It's her choice alone to keep the baby and it is their lives . It must be utterly devastating but try to focus on what you can control going forward. Be as good a mum as you can be. Support your son (and grandchild). Give advice when it's asked for. There is no point looking back at who should have done what etc. I promise that having a grandchild, even under these circumstances, will be a blessing for you. ThanksThanksThanks

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 26/04/2021 18:28

Parents are wealthy and don't have room for baby from what I can tell. I will support them. But I'm deeply concerned about their ability to understand the situation. She's madly in love with him and thinks she's found the one. I hope it is the making of them and he stands up I really do. But it will take alot of support from both sides. I'm just not prepared for it. My sons put me through hell the last 6mths. I want him to live a happy and fulfilled life and not be a burden to society. Instead of just supporting him we wilk have 3 of them to support of she decides to keep the baby.

OP posts:
ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 26/04/2021 18:28

I'm really sorry for some of the batshit replies you've had.

I have teen dd and ds.

I would only expect to hear that my ds gf had an abortion if I was contacted by her parents who wanted me to pay half or to just let me know. If my teen dd was going to have an abortion then I'd only contact her bf parents if she asked me to.

With regards to the pregnancy you must be so shocked. It would be shocking enough if he was NT but it's going to be a lot of work to prepare him for fatherhood - especially if he's a stereotypical teen who doesn't even tidy and games/sleeps all weekend.

Is he in y11? Once any exams are over at school I'd be getting him to find a part-time job so he can find out how hard it is. This would ideally make him realise that apprenticeships and further education is the way forward but worst case scenario, he can start learning about saving money for someone else (responsibility)

NorthernMC · 26/04/2021 18:28

@Notanotherter

Why are you not understanding OP basic right to know of her son has produced a pregnancy from not being careful?

OP has no such right. This girl does have the right to her bodily autonomy, privacy and who and when she discloses her medical record to.

When the OP’s son has LD, depending on the impact of this, then yes she would have a right to know.
Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 26/04/2021 18:28

Parents aren't wealthy I meant to who ever asked!! We arent really but are self sufficient.

OP posts:
Figgygal · 26/04/2021 18:29

Why are people giving the OP a hard time she’s not marching them down to the doctor surgery demanding intimate knowledge of her medical history.
Op knows she has a vulnerable 16yo son who has an underage pregnant Girlfriend with little support seemingly from her parents I’m not surprised she’s panicking.
What support do you have op?

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 26/04/2021 18:31

@Notanotherter

People are getting weird about what rights they think they are entitled to because it involves 16 year olds and pregnancy. Let's do a refresher course shall we!
  • Her body, her choice
  • A man's reproductive rights end at ejaculation, don't like it, use a condom/abstain/have a vasectomy because once she is pregnant, her body her choice and you will be financially responsible. Blame biology
  • No just because your son is a 16 year old, vulnerable or not, does not entitle you to her medical records, or allow you to get a vote on what she does with her body
  • Her body her choice
  • No you do not get to persuade her to have an abortion
  • No just because it is your potential grandchild you don't get to be updated on her choices with her body
  • Her body, her choice
Appreciate it is difficult to wait while she makes a life changing decision that has the power to change your life, but her life is impacted more than anyone else hence why her body, her choice
Every bit of this.

The advice about persuading or bribing her to have an abortion is disgusting.

She is 15, she is pregnant, thankfully her parents seem supportive, because she will damned well need their support to get through school.

I'm sorry you're in shock op, I have 2 teenage sons and I imagine it would come as a bit of a shock if one of their girlfriends ended up pregnant.

There's no point going mental or making threats or kicking him out as others have insinuated.

In your shoes I would be doing everything I can to think practically. I would probably start in the morning by contacting his social worker and seeing if they can help get him into an apprenticeship, or refer him to someone who can help.

Good luck Flowers