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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I think my 16 year old son has got his gf pregnant...

337 replies

Meltinthemiddle · 26/04/2021 15:41

But I think her mum has already took him and her to get an a abortion. I can't be sure yet though. I feel sick. He's been going off the rails recently and this has just topped everything. I'm not ready to be a gran anymore then they are parents. And is she has had an abortion should her parents have told us? My son has mild learning difficulties and mental health issues it's alot for him to cope with alone.

OP posts:
iforgotyourenotbono · 01/05/2021 14:16

It's his responsibility to use protection too! It absolutely doesn't fall to the woman to take the pill - nor should he be reliant on her doing so. No contraception is 💯 effective.

Scottishskifun · 01/05/2021 14:31

Oh OP what an emotional roller-coaster you have been on!

Let's hope the pregnancy scare resonates with your DS somehow and his GF has a long think about contraceptive options.
You have done all you can to educate your son on safe sex maybe some tough love of the reality of costs of a baby might make him be more responsible going forward?

So go around the supermarket with him with a basics list for a baby bottles, clothes, milk, baby food per meal, steriliser, nappies per week and make him add them up on a calculator! Sounds weird but in some cases can help hit that realisation cost of how they will pay for it followed by the and you get £20 a week in child benefit that's it......

UhtredRagnarson · 01/05/2021 14:57

OP you need to teach him that he needs to wear a condom regardless of what the girl is taking or not taking. It doesn’t matter if she says “I have PCOS- the doctors say I can’t get pregnant.” Or if she says she has the coil or implant or on the pill or whatever. It doesn’t matter a single bit what the girl says- he MUST wear a condom every single time. It’s not about trust- it’s about being extra cautious. He is in charge of when he has sex and if a girl wants to have sex with him without a condom he needs to refuse. As hard as that will be. He has to. And you need to drill that into him.

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 01/05/2021 17:10

Well yes that's what I've been saying both need to take precautions!! Both need to take responsibility and I've told him to always wear a condom obviously not made myself clear that has been my argument all along! Nothing is 100% absolutely! I'm talking about long term relationships when they are adults and have more security. But yes until then they should both double up!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 01/05/2021 17:34

And actually I've lost the plot of this thread in between trying to defend myself from those who wish to argue over every slightest thing or are too busy being easily offended. Ds has been using condoms so had been taking responsibility. Even now he says it split (maybe it came off, maybe they were careless who knows) but if they both were taking precautions then if either one of them had a accident the risk of pregnancy is greatly reduced obviously!! Hence why I've been arguing about her parents guiding her about her options and not letting them drink home alone!! Anyway the attitude its not just the women's responsibility is waring thin. Its both their responsibility and I have always said that. And just to add some women like men don't like condoms so unfortunately there's not alot of other options of contraception men can take so then it may have to become the womens responsibility unfortunately of they want sex but not a baby!

OP posts:
UhtredRagnarson · 01/05/2021 17:44

Oh you’re quite tiresome OP. You’re determined to shift the overall responsibility to this girl.

rwalker · 01/05/2021 17:56

I really don't understand why people feel them need to nit pick and give OP a kicking she came for advice not for people to be an arsehole to her

Obviously people board due to restrictions and passing there time by being twats to people .

Jojoanna · 01/05/2021 18:01

If a women does not like a condom then the man says no to sex because otherwise there might be chance of a pregnancy ? Otherwise the responsibility of a pregnancy belongs to both of them

SoupDragon · 01/05/2021 18:17

@UhtredRagnarson

Oh you’re quite tiresome OP. You’re determined to shift the overall responsibility to this girl.
What is quite tiresome is how people are trying to twist everything the OP says to make her the evil one.
itsgettingwierd · 01/05/2021 18:38

@UhtredRagnarson

Oh you’re quite tiresome OP. You’re determined to shift the overall responsibility to this girl.
That's not the vibe I get from this thread at all.

I'm getting "your son is a ds therefore it must all be his fault and how dare you expect any responsibility placed on the woman".

The woman being an NT teenager sleeping with a non NT teenager functioning 3-5 years below her.

OP absolutely has a right to be worried about what's happening as the carat to a disabled person to support them as required by their disability.

And she didn't demand the family told her - just asked if they should.

I hope you get SS and SW contact soon that you said are getting involved. He counts very vulnerable and if adults are supplying him with alcohol and allowing him to have sex with their underage daughter in their home then he needs safeguarding from them too.

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 01/05/2021 19:00

I didn't realise mumsnet was so anti men!! I have never blamed the girl or said my son was innocent so stop twisting my words.

OP posts:
BluebellsareBlue · 01/05/2021 19:16

OP I've followed your thread and with a 17 yo DS myself I completely sympathise with you. You've been jumped on for your use of language like put her on the pill and other things like blaming the girl when all you have to do is read between the lines to see that you are a mum in turmoil with no idea what to say or do I'm sorry that you came here for support and didn't get it, and I wish I'd posted earlier.
It seems that sometimes here, and I've been here a long time, you just can't post what pouring out of your head without being jumped on.

Years ago I posted about a man in his 70's battering on a disabled toilet door with his walking stick after I went in (I too have a disability which means I can and do need to use the nearest toilet) and I was terrified, I was accused of being ageist.... I mean seriously, I got a fright and posted and yes I was angry and that's what people took from my post!!

You will get through this, you can't control the behaviour of others (the girl and her parents) but you can control how you react to it and engage your son as much as you can to also react appropriately. I wish you luck

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 01/05/2021 19:32

Thank you to those who have taken time to read my post and actually give advice. It is difficult to word things on here properly when your head is spinning. I never ever thought I would say I feel sorry for men! Anyway I'm relieved she's not pregnant and I am determined to do everything I can to support them both and educate them with making better decisions so that they can give themselves a better chance in life before bringing a baby into the world.

OP posts:
AlfonsoTheTerrible · 01/05/2021 20:14

Hi, OP. I am so relieved to hear that your son's girlfriend is not pregnant. I can only imagine the relief you must feel.

Wishing you all the best.

UhtredRagnarson · 01/05/2021 20:45

What is quite tiresome is how people are trying to twist everything the OP says to make her the evil one

Evil??

UhtredRagnarson · 01/05/2021 20:46

The woman being an NT teenager sleeping with a non NT teenager functioning 3-5 years below her.

Woman?? At 15?

inappropriateraspberry · 01/05/2021 21:18

@Meltinthemiddle I asked earlier if your son had actually seen the positive test or just a photo. What was the answer? I have a very strong feeling she is messing you all about.
BUT your son needs to be kept away from her. It comes across that he is not mentally capable/it's not appropriate for him to be having a sexual relationship with anyone, no matter what the law states.
How does he get to her house? Can you control his travel in any way?

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 01/05/2021 21:47

I think it was a photo teacher actually tried to do a search online to see if it was a proper image. But her mum said she took a test (not sure of she saw it) and then 2 negative tests. I guess it could have been a chemical pregnancy?? I just hope the doctors tests are accurate. Ds has just phoned had a good chat and he seems to now have a bit of common sense!! Maybe he was pretending to be happy because he loves her.

OP posts:
inappropriateraspberry · 01/05/2021 21:48

Sounds like no one saw an actual test then! I wonder if she planned to string it out for a few months, but got caught out early.

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 01/05/2021 21:49

Ps before everyone attacks me becuae they have nothing better to do I do speak to him face to face! But he's always more chatty on the phone when he's walking.

OP posts:
bunburyscucumbersandwich · 01/05/2021 21:53

I think that if SS are already involved then you need to make it clear to them that the girls parents seem to be facilitating them having sex and drinking together. That's not right at all! And efforts should be made to prevent that from happening again.

helpmum2003 · 01/05/2021 22:10

OP you've had an awful time. Thank goodness she wasn't.

I agree with PP that the main issue now is to safeguard your son. Is it practical for them only to have supervised contact? By you? I would be speaking to school and SS about the fact that her parents are providing alcohol.

Good luck.

SoupDragon · 01/05/2021 22:29

@UhtredRagnarson

What is quite tiresome is how people are trying to twist everything the OP says to make her the evil one

Evil??

Yes. That is exactly what is happening with the continual nit picking and digs. It's tiresome and unhelpful.
UhtredRagnarson · 01/05/2021 22:31

Oh stop being so melodramatic. No one thinks the OP is evil. Hmm

Sunsetpeach · 02/05/2021 00:21

I don't think anyone is ganging up on the OP. I think these distinctions do matter and are important to note for OP in parenting her son.

Her son is now sexually active so it is OP's responsibility to ensure she educates him to take control and responsibility for himself by always using protection.

Teenage relationships are rarely long term. Insisting every girl he fancies is put on the pill because he won't or can't use protection properly is not feasible. You can't control another person. Her son breaks up with this girl and then dates Mandy and Tiffany, is the OP going to ring each of their parents and insist their daughters are put on the pill. No protection means no sex, is a good lesson to learn from his mum.

Also if we are going down the route of insisting this girl is taking advantage of OP's son because of his vulnerabilities, surely OP should be parenting her son knowing he has the urges and physicality of a 16 year old but the emotional maturity and vulnerability of a much younger child and should be parenting him as such. You wouldn't let your 10-12 year old go out and have sex and drink at a friend's house because it would be irresponsible. Surely that applies in this case as well. You can't expect the world to safeguard your DS as they may not be as knowledgeable or understand or even care but surely if you know he is vulnerable you take steps to ensure he is not in unsafe environments that exploit that vulnerability.

I just think there is a lot more the OP can do for her son to avoid similar situations instead of focusing on this girl and her family as tomorrow it will be a different girl if he doesn't learn to protect himself and is in places he shouldn't be in.

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