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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I think my 16 year old son has got his gf pregnant...

337 replies

Meltinthemiddle · 26/04/2021 15:41

But I think her mum has already took him and her to get an a abortion. I can't be sure yet though. I feel sick. He's been going off the rails recently and this has just topped everything. I'm not ready to be a gran anymore then they are parents. And is she has had an abortion should her parents have told us? My son has mild learning difficulties and mental health issues it's alot for him to cope with alone.

OP posts:
Port1aCastis · 29/04/2021 19:05

@Benelovencd

Stop saying 'put her on the pill'.

This is her choice to make. I fully support her choosing a means of contraception which is suitable for her, but no one should put her on it.

So many people have called OP out for this, but she insists on putting all responsibility on this girl and not educating her son because it is easier and less of an inconvenience to her. Disgusting.

She is a person not an animal. Focus on your son and teaching him the right thing, not blaming this 15 year old and expecting her to bear all the responsibility of both her and your son's actions.
No wonder men are the way they are

Well said I think the young lady concerned is being devalued, she didn't become pregnant on her own yet it seems like the onus is on her to either have an abortion or go on the pill
Motnight · 29/04/2021 19:07

Bloody hell Op. Good luck

Poppins2016 · 29/04/2021 19:32

@inappropriateraspberry

Did your son actually see the positive test or just a picture? She may just be playing silly games or thought it would be funny to pretend she was pregnant.
The same theory crossed my mind, especially as only pictures have been seen. It might be worth doing a reverse image search.
YorkiePanda · 29/04/2021 19:36

OP, this must be really difficult and distressing. I’m going to try and set things out simply and sensibly as there’s been a bunch of replies here that are just a bit beyond the pale.

It doesn’t sound like you’re saying your son’s specific learning difficulty means he can’t consent to sex. However, like many neurodivergent kids and teens, he may be emotionally and socially behind his years in some respects and potentially less able to comprehend the long term consequences or do long term planning. I understand the frustration! And of course that you’re likely to feel very protective of him and that what you see as lax parenting on the girls’ parents’ side would be really hard to comprehend. Feeling out of the loop and not knowing what’s going on and what implications it has for your family is scary.

The best road option to you though as others have said is to try and get both families, and the two teenagers, together for a discussion so everyone knows where they stand and what’s happening. It does suck for you that you don’t legally have a right to know in this situation, but certainly if the girl’s family are expecting your involvement and cooperation, it’s reasonable for them to speak with you and decide how the two families should support these young people - financially, practically, emotionally - and what happens if they are not really ready to have a baby and can’t cope. Will you be expected to step in or will they be offering to take on the child in that event? There’s many questions needing to be answered that these two kids won’t have even thought of as they’re probably just in love and thinking it’ll just be a bed of roses and they don’t understand the reality of parenting.

Counselling might be of some help in supporting your son, someone impartial might be able to help him talk through how he feels and understand the bigger picture.

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 29/04/2021 20:58

Oh please they said they were going to put her on the pill their words!!! I actually said for them to discuss other methods meaning which one she/they would prefer! I'm sorry but so many people I know or speak to use this term so I don't really take any notice or even take offence to it myself when it's been said to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 29/04/2021 21:09

And thank you YorkiePanda for your helpful advice and for your understanding. I'm definitely not blaming the girl and I would never talk her into an abortion absolutely not. But yes I would encourage her to think about choosing some form of contraception because yes we have a choice and it's our bodies etc and no one can force us to take it but women are the ones who's lives are completely changed by pregnancy. Yes my son can wear a condom and I have been educating him, telling him, warning him constantly and telling him so more not just because of pregnancy but for sti's. Why can't they both take responsibility and both use protection so at least if one fails the other may prevent pregnancy.

OP posts:
Ideasplease322 · 30/04/2021 08:02

@Meltinthemiddle

Oh please they said they were going to put her on the pill their words!!! I actually said for them to discuss other methods meaning which one she/they would prefer! I'm sorry but so many people I know or speak to use this term so I don't really take any notice or even take offence to it myself when it's been said to me.
My goodness op have people discussed putting you on the pill? That is dreadful and you should take offence. No one has ever said that to or about me (that I am aware of) and if they did I would be offended in so many levels.

It’s depressing that women and girls continue to de devalued in this way and casual way people throw about these sexist and demeaning terms is dreadful.

Your son will be hearing this - another generation thinking about women in this way.

Ideasplease322 · 30/04/2021 08:04

You should be offended, you should call it out.

Iwantacookie · 30/04/2021 08:24

Oh op firstly have Cake
This must be very stressful for you.
Can you try have a meeting with your son his gf and her parents?
If she has decided to keep the baby you need a plan going forward, if he has SN is there anyone else who could be there to help support your son?

momtoboys · 30/04/2021 16:19

Are you kidding? Exactly how is the OP supposed to react in a case such as this? You can be cavalier about girls being devalued all you want but the situation is that OP's SIXTEEN YEAR OLD son with learning differences has potentially gotten his girlfriend pregnant. If the young woman isn't pregnant and I were in the same position I would not only suggest to her that she get a prescription for birth control pills, I would offer to pay for them. The Op's son should have worn a condom. Every time. However, right now that doesn't seem to be a very reliable form of BC for this couple does it?

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 30/04/2021 17:07

I've always taken responsibility for my own contraception. I would never totally rely on a man to be honest even if he did use protection. That's how I feel as a women because ultimately I will be the one dealing with a unwanted pregnancy. I told ds to use protection even if the girl is taking the pill because girls/women do trap men plus there are so many STI's due to unprotected sex it scares the life out of me. My issue was due to the parents relaxed attitude about it not to mention they let them both drink which isn't great for safe sex if they are also left unattended. I wasn't happy about her also being 15 and warned ds. But as we know teenagers will do it if they want anyway! I just trusted ds to be careful though so I am so disappointed. The condom split excuse is a get out.

Maybe the term put on the pill is a generation thing.

OP posts:
Maggiesfarm · 30/04/2021 17:38

I've heard the term, Meltinthemiddle, even from parents of girls. It's not good.

Have you yet found out for certain whether or not the girl is pregnant?

RoSEbuds6 · 30/04/2021 17:42

The main thing that stopped me getting pregnant at 16 was living in terror of having to tell my mum/family and the fact that I wanted to leave home and have a lovely single life with my friends, oh and have a cool job.
It doesn't really sound like any of those things are in place for this young couple, which is a shame. They are so young that PP was right that they are probably dreaming of nice prams and baby outfits!
Does their school offer careers advise? I feel like they need some inspiration for their future.

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 30/04/2021 22:36

He has sen so not academic and he's not been supported by education system despite my efforts. So much for early intervention. My son has DLD which puts him 6 times more likely to go to prison apparently 😔. He has a loving home, parents with good jobs a d I have fought tooth and nail to get him support etc. His language skills is equivalent to a 10_12 year old. His gf seems more switched on but blinded by love.

OP posts:
Aprilshowersandhail · 30/04/2021 22:39

When is she 16? Would it be considered she is then taking advantage of a vulnerable under 18?

Ideasplease322 · 30/04/2021 22:50

It’s no the term on the pill. It’s you saying she should be out on the pill. It implies she isn’t a person with her own rights, opinions and agency.

Yes these children both need parental intervention. Your son is 16 and vulnerable. Can you stop him going to this house? If he is much younger in terms of development, should he be u supervised in a home where he has access to alcohol and underage sex?

I appreciate he will be 18 at some point, but right now he is a vulnerable child. If he was only allowed to see the girl at your house it would at least reduce the opportunities for alcohol and sex.

My parents would not have let me go to this house at 16.

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 30/04/2021 22:51

No not really. He is 16 doesn't look or act much different to a 16 year old but obviously does have issues. Sounds like she's not pregnant so he's currently at her house getting drunk to celebrate! I feel done with all to be honest!

OP posts:
Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 30/04/2021 22:53

Yet they were happy as Larry. When they thought she was pregnant. I can't and don't understand the mentality of it what so ever.

OP posts:
Mamawell23 · 30/04/2021 22:55

@Meltinthemiddle

OK I'm back. Head is completely scrambled. If one test shows positive and then 3 others show negative a day later what the hell does that mean??? I literally have no idea what going on. Ds just casually text she's not pregnant now. Surely she needs to go doctors to confirm this?
Chemical pregnancy?
RoSEbuds6 · 01/05/2021 10:16

@Meltinthemiddle

No not really. He is 16 doesn't look or act much different to a 16 year old but obviously does have issues. Sounds like she's not pregnant so he's currently at her house getting drunk to celebrate! I feel done with all to be honest!
And so it's going to start again! Sheesh. Her mother sounds hopeless! I think you could speak to their Head of Year, and ask for someone to speak to them. They both need some hope and aspirations for their future. The cool job I wanted was the make-up counter at Boots, so not particularly academic Good luck OP, it sounds like a bit of a nightmare.
Ideasplease322 · 01/05/2021 11:47

I don’t think anyone can rely on the girls parent or the girl to manage this. They aren’t willing to take control of the situation.

OP knows her Vulnerable son is drinking And having unprotected sex. She should stop him going to the house. If he is at the much younger stage developmentally then he needs more supervision and rules. At least until he is 18. There are two sets of parents here who are allowing this. OP don’t control the girl or her parents, but she can exercise control over her son.

insomniaisaballbag · 01/05/2021 12:37

because girls/women do trap men

After they fall and their dicks fall in?

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 01/05/2021 13:32

Don't be so rediculous!! Some girls do lie about taking the pill like men lie about being single. Not all women but some unfortunately do and I have friends who have done this thinking it would keep the man and it doesn't so I just want him to be careful. It's about teaching them to respect, trust and communicate with each other and for them to both take responsibility really for themselves as well as each other. If they agree to using one method then they need to trust the other person. I can't even trust my son to brush his teeth. I can only guide my son and I'm not happy with some of his choices but I can't physically stop him 😔. I just wish or hope his gf has more guidance at home so between us we can get them through their education. Like I said some adults can't even manage sex safe so teens need to be guided by both parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 01/05/2021 13:33

And even then it can happen!!

OP posts:
insomniaisaballbag · 01/05/2021 14:12

Ffs op. Even if a woman says she's on the pill and she's not, he can still use a condom - he's STILL responsible. Sex can result in a baby no matter what precautions you take, that is the risk. No one is trapping anyone.