Allowing a small bottle of alcohol at 15

[jacspatoutthecat]

My DD is almost 15 and lots if her friends are experimenting with drink etc and some often go down the beach till the early hours and get the older kids to buy their drinks. My DD would like to go to the beach this evening from about 4pm and be picked up about 8pm. It is just her and 2 friends. They are adamant they are not meeting anyone else so most of the others don't come out till about 8pm!!! Both the other girls parents are allowing them one bottle of hooch. Thing is if I say no she will probably find a way of buying it or getting it without my knowledge, I think I would rather provide her with one small bottle than say no and then she ends up drinking someone elses!!!! When I think about what I did at 15 I was experimenting with drink and smoking but behind my parents back so I am glad she asked my permission rather than just going out and drinking secretly!!! Would you buy her a bottle or just say no??

Seems to be the thing now that parents buy some booze we did with our DD. Must admit it was a bit of peer pressure but it’s been fine and at least we can talk about it.

When I was her age my mum would buy me and some friends WKD - 1 bottle each and that was enough to make us feel very grown up indeed. I'd let her, as you say its good she's spoken to you about it

I was in the same predicament last night with DD, 15. The difference in circumstance is that DD's friends were coming to our garden.

I do have older DDs so I have faced this before which makes it slightly easier, however, I do treat them all individually so it was still a decision I had to make.

I said yes to 2 small bottles of Smirnoff Ice. I trust that she wouldn't drink any more than that and I could keep a subtle eye on them.

I'd worry about the beach or a park at that age. They will be vulnerable after even a small amount of alcohol.

Do you have a garden they could use? Get some pillows and blankets and make it cosy and grown up?

It's so difficult with peer pressure. You have to do what you think is right without pissing them off so they'll go and do it anyway, without your knowledge.

Good luck

Is it the first time she's ever had anything to drink? My only thought would be that I'd probably rather she had it at home tbh.

I also remember doing a similar thing at that age FWIW.

Another thought is that, I know people my age did get approached by the police if they were openly drinking in public in the middle of the day and had alcohol taken off them, names and addresses taken etc. This was NI though, where I think alcohol laws might be a little tighter?

Have you spoken to the other parents? I think giving alcohol to a 14 year old is asking for trouble to be honest. The fact that you're asking on here tells me that you are not entirely comfortable with the idea. Trust your instincts - only you know your DD well enough to make that call.

@PollyThePony

Is it the first time she's ever had anything to drink? My only thought would be that I'd probably rather she had it at home tbh.

I also remember doing a similar thing at that age FWIW.

Another thought is that, I know people my age did get approached by the police if they were openly drinking in public in the middle of the day and had alcohol taken off them, names and addresses taken etc. This was NI though, where I think alcohol laws might be a little tighter?

Yes to this being at home - I forgot to mention that I had mine at my house, not at a park or beach. Possibly also need to consider police approaching them with alcohol if they're seen?

I would buy it. We did it when the DC were that age for parties etc.

It's a no from me. My dc know not even to ask. Data now shows dc and alcohol under age actually increases the likely good of alcohol abuse not lessen it. Also reports of brain damage...
Dd was actually dumped by her group of friends. She was more than happy to be dumped.
After not agreeing to having an alcohol based sleepover.
At 12...supported by a dm who works with very vulnerable dc... Mind boggles.

My son is nearly 16 and also hangs around the beach with his mates. He's allowed 2 bottles of beer. It's so hard. We've allowed him to have the odd beer in the house with us for about the last year. Desperately trying not to make it forbidden fruit. He's told us some really scary stories of, mainly, young girls getting absolutely hammered.

They have had bottles of smirnoff ice/hooch and similar in each others gardens at camping sleepovers last summer. Again one bottle or maybe two but they were then semi supervised. I absolutely refuse point blank to allow her out from 8pm till midnight like most of them seem to do so I do feel at least just a couple of hours when it is still daylight is a good compromise as she seems happy she says she doesn't want lots to drink but does want to feel part of the group and if she only takes coke or sprite she will be left out. She is being really mature about it and talking it through with me. I will drop her off and pick her up again at the agreed time. My DD is my oldest child so never had to deal with this before. A friend of mine lets her DD who is the same age, out to all ours with all sorts of different people, but she is her youngest and she says she has been there with her 2 older children and is a lot more relaxed about it and says if you say no they will find away to do it anyway!!

I probably would if my DD asked. She's super sensible and I trust her to know she won't go crazy (like I used to at 15!). You know your own child.

I let her have the odd glass of prosecco, cocktail or Pimms at home. I know it's a different kettle of fish being out and about with friends but if we could compromise on her only drinking what I give her, and me dropping off and picking her up, then I'd agree to it.

It's good she's talking about it with you.

Not giving them a drink won't stop them doing it...it may however stop them from doing it sensibly. People are VERY naive if they think saying no will mean their teens won't drink.

She's 14, so no. My 14 year old gets to have a bottle of zero alcohol cider at the weekend which he likes, but no alcohol

Why would anyone allow this?
Why wouldn't your CHILDREN be taught that you don't need alcohol to have fun and have a good time? If their friends don't respect their choice not to drink are they real friends? My dd has no regrets about moving on from the so called mates she had..

I've been through this and personally feel that 14 is too young. If she'd been almost 16 I'd feel much better about it. At 14/15 they need some boundaries to push against.

Hooch is quite strong and doesn't really taste like alcohol. I used to get unintentionally drunk on it in my 20s, so I think a 14 year old could be quite vulnerable drinking it.

Thank you for all your helpful messages. Just spoke to the other mums and we are all going to provide them with 1 bottle of smirnoff ice. They are sensible girls and my DD is good at self regulating. We will all drop off and pick up again before it gets dark.

They had bottles of Hooch or Smirnoff Ice last summer? So when they were 13/14?

This isn’t OK, OP. I’m a secondary school teacher working in safeguarding. I would be concerned if I knew parents of 14/15 year old students in my care were letting them have alcohol on a beach, unsupervised by adults. You don’t know who else will be there, whatever she says. If it’s only three of them, why can’t they do it in your garden? Drinking in a public space is illegal anyway. Plus, Hooch and SI are stronger than you think. This is very risky behaviour, and whatever she tells you, most teenagers are not doing this. If you want to give her alcohol, it should be under your direct supervision. But tbh at her age I would be resisting anyway. You are normalising alcohol at a very young age. 15 year olds having a small glass at Christmas or special family parties - fine. Drinking unsupervised on a beach - not fine at all.

The thing is most of her classmates are doing it, I have several friends picking their 14 yr olds up at midnight. If she wasn't in year 10 I would consider moving schools she is at a very high performing school with alot of peer pressure to be like an 18 yr old.

It isn't as black and white as would you buy a bottle or not there are so many other aspects you need to consider.

When ds first wanted to drink it was with his immediate group of friends - he is, and they are all, pretty sensible and they wanted to have a couple of drinks to socialise in someone's garden, and he has continued to not hang about in groups in popular areas (here it is edges of fields/golf courses hidden near trees usually) which end up as 100+ teenagers mingling, where kids get pissed and leave a mess for the landowners to deal with week after week.

There is a range of ages there right up to 18 year olds that he just does not feel comfortable in as there is constant drama, some are smoking, there is cannabis and other drugs, occasional fighting, lighting "camp" fires etc there has been accidents and kids ending up burnt in A+E, there was even once one of them showing off a knife. It all starts well before 8pm and initially seems harmless but escalates over time. I would worry the beach is your local spot for this kind of trouble and 14 is just too young for it.

If there is no one else there why does she want to go and why does she want to show off she has alcohol? You are not getting the full story.

I would hold off her attending these things (with or without alcohol) until at least next summer if possible, and encourage them to meet up in less popular, safer places or gardens instead with their friends of their own age only.

Why get her alcohol thats made to taste like a soft drink, but is actually really strong?

I allowed mine to do that at 14/15. I’ve just asked what she would have done if I’d not allowed it and she said that they’d have shared what the others had between them.

I wouldn't be happy with this. 14 is still very young, although it seems that the precedent was set when they were even younger, given what you've said about last summer. Since you were speaking to the other parents anyway, it's a shame that you couldn't have agreed between you not to provide them with alcohol at all, but I guess you're the best judges of whether they would try to do it behind your backs if you didn't.

You might want to think about how you can support her to work on her confidence a bit, as teenage drinking is usually associated with insecurity, social anxiety, feeling the pressure to fit in etc. Just a suggestion.

I am glad she confides in me and tells me her plans and I trust her to just drink the one bottle with her 2 friends. She is good at self regulating and knows the dangers. They just so want to be like most of the others in her year group and being a teenager is about wanting to conform and be the same so if they misbehave and take advantage then there will be consequences. It is so hard , there seems to be so much less pressure at the lower performing school down the road these kids just seem happy milliing around the town of an afternoon with a mcdonalds and home on their xboxs of an evening.

If she wasn't in year 10 I would consider moving schools she is at a very high performing school with a lot of peer pressure to be like an 18 yr old.

Nothing to do with the schools performance. There are groups of kids wanting to be grown up or "cool" in every school and others whose parents don't let them drink at 13 years old! If your child is in this type of group that is all you see and you think is normal.

You are allowing her to do things way to early for her age just to keep up with her friends "cool" parents.

I wouldn't. She's 14, she doesn't need alcohol to spend the afternoon at the beach. Surprised so many posters think this is normal!