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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Allowing a small bottle of alcohol at 15

161 replies

jacspatoutthecat · 24/04/2021 11:05

My DD is almost 15 and lots if her friends are experimenting with drink etc and some often go down the beach till the early hours and get the older kids to buy their drinks. My DD would like to go to the beach this evening from about 4pm and be picked up about 8pm. It is just her and 2 friends. They are adamant they are not meeting anyone else so most of the others don't come out till about 8pm!!! Both the other girls parents are allowing them one bottle of hooch. Thing is if I say no she will probably find a way of buying it or getting it without my knowledge, I think I would rather provide her with one small bottle than say no and then she ends up drinking someone elses!!!! When I think about what I did at 15 I was experimenting with drink and smoking but behind my parents back so I am glad she asked my permission rather than just going out and drinking secretly!!! Would you buy her a bottle or just say no??

OP posts:
Thesearmsofmine · 24/04/2021 14:20

It’s great that she is able to talk to you about it.
I would prefer to know what my dc has had rather than risk them drinking whatever they can get their hands on. Teens experiment with alcohol, is it ideal? No, but it is normal and if I felt my dc and friends were sensible I would allow this occasionally(although I would prefer it in my garden).

Northernsoullover · 24/04/2021 14:28

I must be on my own here. I've told my teens that if they want to drink then that's their choice. Avoid spirits and if the shit hits the fan I will be on their side (if they or another teen overdoes it) but I certainly won't be buying it for them.
I was allowed to drink so it was never forbidden fruit. I still developed an unhealthy dependency on that crap. Before anyone thinks poor me I didnt drink any more than plenty of mn users think is perfectly normal (but isn't) so far my two don't drink. Well, the younger definitely doesn't and the
older may be starting to experiment but he's 18 very soon so he can buy it himself. If they had asked at 14 they would have been told to get to fuck.
I despair at how many parents give young teens booze. It teaches you nothing other than how to depend on it for a good time. Its sad really.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 24/04/2021 14:39

This alarms me. My DD is 14 and I thought it would be more like 16 that I'd have to deal with this stuff. She goes and hangs out with her mates and takes snacks and drinks and they still think a pink lemonade and a tube of Pringles is a treat.
I really hope that lasts
I'd be shocked if I found out they were drinking. I mean I know there will be under age drinking but I assumed not for a few years.

I am trying to cast my mind back but I don't think I was drinking at parties until 16 or so.
I also can't believe Hooch is still a thing. It was filthy stuff even back in the day and it is easy to get drunk on as so sweet and appealing to teens.

Aprilshowersandhail · 24/04/2021 14:46

Wonder what happens when all their mates declare they also have under age sex? Be suitably lax about your parenting then? Legal age to buy alcohol is 18. Buying for a minor carries a 5 k fine... Because it's illegal.
How will you preach to your dc about abiding by the law in the future when you parents don't?

GrimDamnFanjo · 24/04/2021 14:48

Leaving out all the points others have made, drinking on a beach worries me.
Alcohol lowers your inhibitions and at that age they will be very vulnerable to its effects.

DariaMorgendorffer · 24/04/2021 14:54

Too young IMO. 16 is when I relaxed with mine, and let them bring some alcohol out with friends in controlled situations, with a long talk before etc. I know children may still sneak it in before then, but I personally couldn't condone it in a 14 year old.

Original poster
jacspatoutthecat · 24/04/2021 15:01

I appreciate all your replies and it is good to see both sides from different parenting perspectives. I agree she really does need some new friends,(although she does have these 2 girls she is really close with) but how easy is this in year 10 when they already have their own friendship groups? She used to do guides with a few girls who really were like 14 yr olds should be and she was all ready to go up to rangers but rangers has been stopped in our area now as not there was only 3 girls left in the group. Back in the summer when the lockdown was relaxed she really struggled as all her friends would hang out in the in the big parks with alcohol and vaping and much older kids and she decided she was happier at home. She went a good 2 months without really seeing anyone and she was actually quite happy hanging out with me. In fact we became really close but I feel she was using me as as substitute friend , how ever lovely it was to hear this teenagers SHOULD be hanging out with friends not their mums. Her 2 friends she is going out with this afternoon were the girls who we did garden sleepovers in the summer as like her they felt they didn't fit in but now although they know they don't fit in they are desperate to try rather than be happy as they are. I am hoping maybe they will go out this afternoon realise that having a bit of alcohol doesn't actually make them fit in and be happy as a group of 3 who are happy shopping and drinking a coke on the beach.

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 24/04/2021 15:03

Like hell would I buy my 14yo alcohol.

I no longer have a 14yo, as DD is 15yo and I wouldn't buy her alcohol either.

I'm guess I'm not a cool mum, although my DC do tell me I'm cool. Hmm

I might think about it for a 16th birthday but I wouldn't I be supplying it to anyone else's child.

But no 14yo of mine would be drinking Hooch on a beach provided by me- they'd have to source their own alcohol.

Prosecco at home or wine with a meal is another thing though, maybe I'm just a control freak. My DC have never been bothered about trying to procure alcohol to drink with their mates.

Are you going to send her off with a spliff as well?

Veryverycalmnow · 24/04/2021 15:04

Just be aware the bottle you provide might be mixed with something else- I remember we used to do that as teens, get as much as we could out of parents and also have whatever else we could get our hands on. It's really difficult.

Original poster
jacspatoutthecat · 24/04/2021 15:11

She knows the rules and knows there will be consequences if these rules are broken. Like I have said they are sensible girls just desperate to fit in. It is only the 3 of them because most of the others kids don't come out till about 8pm!! I am going to pop down a bit later with the dog , I know which part of the beach they will be on and do a little spot check😂

OP posts:
CovoidOfAllHumanity · 24/04/2021 15:23

I can see what you are trying to do and that you care about DDs friendships but honestly I think you are making a bad decision

I think you and the other parents are sending a really bad message that yes you do have to do illegal, foolish, possibly dangerous things to fit in.

I wish you had collectively taken a different decision and tried to show them that it's fine not to go along with this stuff and rewarded them for going another way
Offered to take them on a different trip out. Bribed them with some shopping money
Something like that

How will you feel if something does go wrong? You don't actually want her to fit in with this group and do what they do and yet you are encouraging it. My biggest concern would be grooming/ sexual exploitation by older men who would bribe teens with more alcohol. That was certainly a thing when I was growing up.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 24/04/2021 15:26

I think a 14 yr old girl on a beach with a bottle of alcohol shouts 'vulnerable' to predators.

I probably am over reacting
Sorry
It brings back bad memories for me and makes me worry for my DD too as they have to negotiate this world which is a tough place for a teenage girl

mumofone2019 · 24/04/2021 15:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

neroforte · 24/04/2021 15:42

at 15 me and my friends were asking our older friend to buy us 1l bottles of cider and cheap shitty wine almost everyday and hanging out together until 11pm in a park! not saying this is right but she could be doing a lot worse than wanting to go out until 8pm with a small bottle of alcohol!

GreyhoundG1rl · 24/04/2021 15:50

Like I have said they are sensible girls just desperate to fit in. It is only the 3 of them because most of the others kids don't come out till about 8pm!!
This is completely contradictory?!

JustLyra · 24/04/2021 15:50

It’s very difficult when you live in a place with a huge issue with teenage drinking and drugs.

I did allow my elder three to have occasional alcohol at 15/16, but only in our house or garden, or very occasionally in the gardens of a parent I knew well.

I also steered them away from alcohol that doesn’t taste like alcohol as much as possible.

I wouldn’t allow it at the beach though. Mine were always told that there would be heavy consequences if they were drinking when I didn’t know, but there would be absolutely draconian consequences if I ever caught them drinking by the sea or river. Teenagers and water don’t mix well at the best of time, let alone with alcohol.

Original poster
jacspatoutthecat · 24/04/2021 15:51

@neroforte

at 15 me and my friends were asking our older friend to buy us 1l bottles of cider and cheap shitty wine almost everyday and hanging out together until 11pm in a park! not saying this is right but she could be doing a lot worse than wanting to go out until 8pm with a small bottle of alcohol!
I was doing far worse than this at 15 as well so I think this is mine and the other girls parents thinking. Not banning it completely so as to cause rebellion but just allowing it in moderation. Also this will not be a regular occurrence, just because we are allowing it today doesn't mean we will allow it every week!!!!!
OP posts:
EileenGC · 24/04/2021 15:52

If it's just the 3 of them before 8pm, then who do they need to fit in with?

teenagers SHOULD be hanging out with friends not their mums

That's true, but hanging out with your mum (especially if the teenager is happy about it, which your daughter was from what you say), is so much better than hanging out with the wrong type of friends.

Don't push your DD into consuming alcohol and fitting in a certain friendship group, just because it seems the right thing to do socially. Let her stay at home if she wants to, if that will make her feel less peer pressure about things that she wouldn't necessarily want to do without her friends.

I am an introvert and my mum also had to encourage me to go out with people my own age, but at 14 or 15 we were going to the beach for pizza and ice cream, not trying to seem cool to the older kids by bringing alcohol.

EileenGC · 24/04/2021 15:53

Not banning it completely so as to cause rebellion

Do you think they would be angry if all of you had said no? Or really not that bothered at the end of the day?

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 24/04/2021 15:57

The point is that research says that you are making the 1L bottle of cheap cider at 15 more rather than less likely by buying Hooch at 13

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 24/04/2021 15:58

And 15 and 13 are worlds apart in terms of maturity

Moonwatcher1234 · 24/04/2021 15:59

Seriously though, what does it matter if classmates are doing it? I get peer pressure etc but leaving young teens drinking unattended on a beach gives me the shivers

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 24/04/2021 16:07

I just asked my 14yo Y9 DD and she said no-one in her year or Y10 is into drinking that she's aware of. Some vape apparently but drinking and smoking are not cool.

In fact she instantly spouted me her PSHE indoctrination about how alcohol damages your liver and brain and affects women worse than men.

I realise that doesn't help you but I thought I'd add to others saying this isn't necessarily normal

ImInStealthMode · 24/04/2021 16:10

DP's niece is a mature 15 and has just started being allowed a fruity cider or two with her friends, but strictly only in the garden at home with parental eyes on them.

In public at the beach is out of the question, more for the impression it would give of them to others (underage drinking, and potential for them being considered more vulnerable than usual) than for the fact the girls themselves aren't trusted.

Overdueanamechange · 24/04/2021 16:14

Hell no. I couldn't give a monkeys about what their classmates are doing, no way would I provide a bottle of alcohol to sit on a park bench or on the beach with. Its highly irresponsible. If my 15yo wants a glass of wine or whatever at home with me (Bailey's seems her favourite), then fine.