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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Allowing a small bottle of alcohol at 15

161 replies

jacspatoutthecat · 24/04/2021 11:05

My DD is almost 15 and lots if her friends are experimenting with drink etc and some often go down the beach till the early hours and get the older kids to buy their drinks. My DD would like to go to the beach this evening from about 4pm and be picked up about 8pm. It is just her and 2 friends. They are adamant they are not meeting anyone else so most of the others don't come out till about 8pm!!! Both the other girls parents are allowing them one bottle of hooch. Thing is if I say no she will probably find a way of buying it or getting it without my knowledge, I think I would rather provide her with one small bottle than say no and then she ends up drinking someone elses!!!! When I think about what I did at 15 I was experimenting with drink and smoking but behind my parents back so I am glad she asked my permission rather than just going out and drinking secretly!!! Would you buy her a bottle or just say no??

OP posts:
Killergigglebunnies · 24/04/2021 18:13

I was bought Bacardi and cokes when I was 14 and had snowballs at Christmas. Also had wine on a Sunday with Sunday dinner. Although, my dps are foreign so it was no issue.
It’s like the ear piercing debate. I had my ears pierced when I was a baby.
Apparently my dps are the same as the devil on MN for doing it. Erm, no, it’s traditional in their country.

GreyhoundG1rl · 24/04/2021 18:15

@Killergigglebunnies

I was bought Bacardi and cokes when I was 14 and had snowballs at Christmas. Also had wine on a Sunday with Sunday dinner. Although, my dps are foreign so it was no issue. It’s like the ear piercing debate. I had my ears pierced when I was a baby. Apparently my dps are the same as the devil on MN for doing it. Erm, no, it’s traditional in their country.
What country has a tradition of buying Bacardi and cokes for 14 year old's?
IHaveBrilloHair · 24/04/2021 18:20

@rainbowandglitter
I'm so pleased you brought up the classy issue.
Always a main concern to have when raising teens.

Bonkerz · 24/04/2021 18:24

@GreyhoundG1rl

My daughter apparently enjoys a naice Chardonnay!! My, haven't you done well? Confused
That was not my point! The point was she told me and I was shocked because I thought it was all cider and WKD lmao

Kids will do it regardless. My DD is open with me and I can educate her on staying safe and the dangers.

paralysedbyinertia · 24/04/2021 18:25

I think the problem here is a kind of peer pressure among parents who are trying very hard not to be "uncool". They buy into the (false) narrative that all teenagers drink and experiment with drugs etc, and convince themselves that it's better to "control" this behaviour by supplying the alcohol, because the kids will inevitably find a way of doing it behind their backs otherwise. Of course, that's a myth because they will have no more control over what their kids are doing than any other parent - the alcohol that they have provided could easily be mixed with something else procured by other means.

At the heart of it, I suspect there is a deep-rooted insecurity. A fear of not fitting in that perhaps goes back to their own teenage years, which they are now projecting onto their teenage children. It would be so much better if they could teach their kids that blind conformity isn't actually necessary in order to fit in, but maybe they don't have the confidence (in themselves? in their kids?) to take that risk.

In most cases, there probably won't be any permanent damage done, but the research does indicate that this kind of approach can increase the risk of alcohol abuse in the future, and the kids are also putting themselves in potentially vulnerable situations in the present.

The bigger risk, though, in my view, is the message that this kind of parenting sends to the kids about what you have to do to fit in. Unhealthy, illegal, risky behaviours are justified by the fact that they enable the child to conform to the crowd, and the child learns that, sometimes, this is just what you have to do in order to be acceptable to others. That's not the message that I want to send to my child at all.

GreyhoundG1rl · 24/04/2021 18:30

At the heart of it, I suspect there is a deep-rooted insecurity. A fear of not fitting in that perhaps goes back to their own teenage years, which they are now projecting onto their teenage children.
Totally agree with this.

LynetteScavo · 24/04/2021 19:30

But where do you go from here OP?

A few cans of cider in the autumn, a bottle of Prosecco at Christmas and two at New Years? Then a bottle of vodka next summer when she's nearly 16?

This wasn't for any special occasion but you let her have one bottle to be like her friends. Her friends will up the game. Their parents will be providing whole bottles of vodka next summer. I hope you are prepared to keep up, because you wouldn't want your DD to be the odd one out, would you?

As long as you're comfortable with your parenting, crack on.

IHaveBrilloHair · 24/04/2021 19:42

You don't have to go any further, why would you?
The rule is one.
The OP may or may not choose to go further in time, but she doesn't have to.

Northernsoullover · 24/04/2021 19:51

@Bonkerz

My 15 year old drinks with friends. I believe you have to normalise it and teach kids how to do it safely and sensibly. It's moved on from when I was that age. My daughter apparently enjoys a naice Chardonnay!! I'd be more concerned about social media and the date. My daughter has been housebound today terrified of what's been declared as today being "national sexual abuse day" especially on tik tok.
Why do you have to normalise alcohol consumption? My eldest who may or may not be drinking (because I don't spy on him) has friends who don't drink and some who do. It doesn't have to be a fait accompli. As a society we rely way too much on alcohol and its the cause of so much unhappiness and ill health in this country. Its proven to cause breast cancer, heart disease, liver damage. As for ' in moderation' why? Why not go completely without? Drinking alcohol is NOT normal. Your body has to do some serious work to counter act the effects even in small doses. I'd recommend 'Drink' by professor David Nutt. A fascinating read.
denverRegina · 24/04/2021 19:55

As long as they take ALL of their rubbish home from the beach I'm not arsed either way!

NewlyGranny · 24/04/2021 20:01

In your home or garden you can keep an eye and know they're safe. On the beach you just don't know who else might turn up and take advantage. I bet they could all pass for sixteen...

It's legal for them to have a drink at home under your supervision. It's illegal out in public. You could end up with her coming home in the back of a police car, or worse.

I'd send her with soft drinks and save alcohol for home.

Aprilshowersandhail · 24/04/2021 20:03

Poor parenting to agree that alcohol is needed to fit in /have fun.
Allowing dc to bend to peer pressure isn't raising confident safeguarded dc...

wanderbug · 24/04/2021 20:07

What hope is there for teenagers to resist peer pressure when their own parents are also busy trying to copy what the other parents are doing?

The daughter is drinking so that she can be like her friends. The OP is supplying the alcohol so that she can be like the friends' mums!

When I think about what I did at 15 I was experimenting with drink and smoking but behind my parents back so I am glad she asked my permission rather than just going out and drinking secretly!!!

What if your DD decided that she wanted to smoke so that she could fit in with her friends? Would you be supplying the cigarettes for her too?

MitheringSunday · 24/04/2021 20:12

@wanderbug

What hope is there for teenagers to resist peer pressure when their own parents are also busy trying to copy what the other parents are doing?

The daughter is drinking so that she can be like her friends. The OP is supplying the alcohol so that she can be like the friends' mums!

When I think about what I did at 15 I was experimenting with drink and smoking but behind my parents back so I am glad she asked my permission rather than just going out and drinking secretly!!!

What if your DD decided that she wanted to smoke so that she could fit in with her friends? Would you be supplying the cigarettes for her too?

Agree with this. My eldest is 16 in a few weeks and I am currently debating whether to allow him a bottle of beer on his birthday (beer and wine are legal at 16 where I am). I certainly wouldn't have been supplying alcohol to my 14yo (or 15yo for that matter), much less to an unsupervised situation.
Cameleongirl · 24/04/2021 20:21

My DD is just 16 and has only had a sip of wine and beer at home. She didn't like the taste of either. I know she's tried vaping at a friend's house and I'm sure they'll get hold of alcohol at some point. I'm not going to provide it, though, she has her whole adult life to drink legally.
I started going to pubs at 16 (like everyone else in my sixth form).

Miseryl · 24/04/2021 20:43

I let my DS aged 15 have a couple of units of rum every Friday night at home with his tea but that's it.

itsgettingwierd · 24/04/2021 20:55

For me it's the fact your dd wants it because everyone else is.

And why at 14 is a bottle of Fanta or sprite not ok? Why exactly do they feel they need a WKD or hooch?

I would certainly let my DS (he's 16 now and still won't have alcohol!) have a bottle at that age and he was always offered a beer or wine at family parties etc from that age.

But I would be more concerned if he wanted it to fit in rather than because they wanted it for other reasons (eg taste)

GreyhoundG1rl · 24/04/2021 20:59

@Miseryl

I let my DS aged 15 have a couple of units of rum every Friday night at home with his tea but that's it.
Confused
IHaveBrilloHair · 24/04/2021 21:41

Jeez, its one small bottle.
Saying its not normal to drink, and completely denying it, making it out to be something terrible is a great way to be lied to and alienate your teens if they are asking.
A small amount, a bit of trust goes a long way.

EileenGC · 24/04/2021 21:51

Well, my parents and those of many friends when I was younger, didn’t alienate us by explaining why alcohol was damaging and illegal under a certain age. They treated us like adults - not by providing us with alcohol, but by explaining how harmful it is, especially at a young age, and it was us who decided not to drink it.

Of course some teenagers will be more interested than others and from an earlier age, but by normalising the consumption of alcohol and other drugs, we only damage our children’s perception of it. They will grow up thinking it’s normal and healthy, when it really isn’t. We don’t need to appear cool and unharmed by it, when we are all old enough here to understand that alcohol damages your brain and your body. That’s the message we should be getting across to our children, not ‘it’s normal, everyone does it, here’s a beer for your 13th birthday, join in. I’m a cool parent’.

IHaveBrilloHair · 24/04/2021 22:53

One drink on the odd occasion isn't harmful.
You could apply that to so many things, but it's life that we all do the odd harmful thing, you too I bet.
Perhaps you got lucky with your teens and they listened to you telling them how harmful it is, but lots of people live lives where that just won't cut it.

Could I add that the OP's dd is 14, so I'm not sure why you had to talk about a beer at 13.HmmConfused

GreyhoundG1rl · 24/04/2021 22:58

@IHaveBrilloHair

One drink on the odd occasion isn't harmful. You could apply that to so many things, but it's life that we all do the odd harmful thing, you too I bet. Perhaps you got lucky with your teens and they listened to you telling them how harmful it is, but lots of people live lives where that just won't cut it.

Could I add that the OP's dd is 14, so I'm not sure why you had to talk about a beer at 13.HmmConfused

They have had bottles of smirnoff ice/hooch and similar in each others gardens at camping sleepovers last summer. Again one bottle or maybe two This is what op said herself. Her dd isn't new to the odd tipple, it seems.
EileenGC · 24/04/2021 23:06

@IHaveBrilloHair

One drink on the odd occasion isn't harmful. You could apply that to so many things, but it's life that we all do the odd harmful thing, you too I bet. Perhaps you got lucky with your teens and they listened to you telling them how harmful it is, but lots of people live lives where that just won't cut it.

Could I add that the OP's dd is 14, so I'm not sure why you had to talk about a beer at 13.HmmConfused

Because I’ve actually read the OP’s posts and this isn’t an odd occasion, nor the girl’s first drink. I’m not saying people shouldn’t drink occasionally. I said we shouldn’t normalise casual alcohol consumption to young teenagers.

Yes, even an occasional drink is harmful. In the same way occasional chocolate or a double cheeseburger are. Of course we all do and eat and drink things that aren’t the best for us, but there’s a reason drugs are illegal to minors, and we shouldn’t be encouraging our kids to have them. The effects drugs have on the developing brain have been more than proved by now.

IHaveBrilloHair · 24/04/2021 23:10

I've read her posts too.
It's one drink on the odd occasion.
Have I missed something?

IHaveBrilloHair · 24/04/2021 23:12

Drugs are illegal to minors?
Just minors then.
Ha, thanks for letting me know.