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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Allowing a small bottle of alcohol at 15

161 replies

jacspatoutthecat · 24/04/2021 11:05

My DD is almost 15 and lots if her friends are experimenting with drink etc and some often go down the beach till the early hours and get the older kids to buy their drinks. My DD would like to go to the beach this evening from about 4pm and be picked up about 8pm. It is just her and 2 friends. They are adamant they are not meeting anyone else so most of the others don't come out till about 8pm!!! Both the other girls parents are allowing them one bottle of hooch. Thing is if I say no she will probably find a way of buying it or getting it without my knowledge, I think I would rather provide her with one small bottle than say no and then she ends up drinking someone elses!!!! When I think about what I did at 15 I was experimenting with drink and smoking but behind my parents back so I am glad she asked my permission rather than just going out and drinking secretly!!! Would you buy her a bottle or just say no??

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 24/04/2021 13:21

very high performing school with alot of peer pressure to be like an 18 yr old.
This is nothing to do with the school being high performing.

paralysedbyinertia · 24/04/2021 13:22

This is nothing to do with the school being high performing.

Of course it isn't. There are kids/parents like this in all schools.

MilduraS · 24/04/2021 13:22

My parents were relaxed about alcohol from about 14. Initially it was a few bottles of Smirnoff ice at family gatherings and then some shorts like Malibu or spiced rum. Unlike my friends I never felt the need to sneak around and lie about where I was or what I was doing. I also didn't feel the need to drink as much as possible in the few hours I was out of the house. I had a few friends with stricter parents who had bad experiences after drinking way too much way too quickly because they had no idea that downing half a bottle of vodka in half an hour would soon catch up with them! If I had teenagers I'd use the same approach as my parents.

MoreMorelos · 24/04/2021 13:24

Where I live police have put out a statement today saying that all underage drinkers will have it confiscated and details taken for parents to be contacted

Original poster
jacspatoutthecat · 24/04/2021 13:27

I suppose in a way I do worry that she will have no friends if i say no . She went through a really tough time in year 7 with forming friendships as she came from quite a small state school and when she got to senior school so many of the girls were already in friendship groups from their private schools and were so uber confident at 11. She is such a good girl generally she works hard at school and is very helpful but she so wants to have a group of friends she fits in with. These two girls she is friends with are lovely girls but, but they all have this urge to fit in!!

OP posts:
EileenGC · 24/04/2021 13:28

So it's okay to teach children that if 'most classmates' are doing it, then they should give in? Alcohol in under 18s is extremely damaging to their brains. Adults too, but at least their brains are a bit more formed 4-5 years later than if they started at 13 or 14. When will we stop justifying damaging our own children's brains and bodies, just so they can have fun with their so-called friends? Alcohol is not needed to have fun. I don't understand what they'd be doing on this afternoon out, that couldn't be done without alcohol.

WeAllHaveWings · 24/04/2021 13:29

@MilduraS

My parents were relaxed about alcohol from about 14. Initially it was a few bottles of Smirnoff ice at family gatherings and then some shorts like Malibu or spiced rum. Unlike my friends I never felt the need to sneak around and lie about where I was or what I was doing. I also didn't feel the need to drink as much as possible in the few hours I was out of the house. I had a few friends with stricter parents who had bad experiences after drinking way too much way too quickly because they had no idea that downing half a bottle of vodka in half an hour would soon catch up with them! If I had teenagers I'd use the same approach as my parents.
Very nice. But it doesn't always work that way and depends on the child and the setting they are drinking in and often ends badly when their only extra circular activity is getting pissed unsupervised with friends illegally in public at 14 years old.
paralysedbyinertia · 24/04/2021 13:30

The research doesn't seem to back that up,, though. Studies suggest that relaxed attitudes from parents towards teenage drinking increase the risk of binge drinking/alcohol abuse further down the line.

My dd is nearly 16 now, and thankfully, this issue hasn't arisen yet. We are fortunate that she has a very confident, positive group of friends who don't feel the need to show off/get hammered in order to have fun. I anticipate that they will want to drink at some point in the next couple of years, and if so, we'll have a sensible conversation about it then, but I certainly wouldn't have been encouraging it at 13/14.

Becstar90 · 24/04/2021 13:30

I know it's hard but what you should be teaching her is you don't need alcohol to have fun.

paralysedbyinertia · 24/04/2021 13:35

@jacspatoutthecat

I suppose in a way I do worry that she will have no friends if i say no . She went through a really tough time in year 7 with forming friendships as she came from quite a small state school and when she got to senior school so many of the girls were already in friendship groups from their private schools and were so uber confident at 11. She is such a good girl generally she works hard at school and is very helpful but she so wants to have a group of friends she fits in with. These two girls she is friends with are lovely girls but, but they all have this urge to fit in!!
It's difficult, OP. I'm fortunate in that my dd has always been confident and hasn't ever struggled to make friends, so she doesn't have that desperate urge to fit in. She has also picked the kind of friends who are mature enough to accept individual differences. I can see that it would be much harder to say no to this kind of thing if you're worried about her being socially isolated as a result. I would definitely have a think about what you can do to help build her self esteem - it isn't actually inevitable that all teenagers will feel this compulsion to conform with their peers.
Youdontknowwhatyoureonabout · 24/04/2021 13:39

@jacspatoutthecat

I suppose in a way I do worry that she will have no friends if i say no . She went through a really tough time in year 7 with forming friendships as she came from quite a small state school and when she got to senior school so many of the girls were already in friendship groups from their private schools and were so uber confident at 11. She is such a good girl generally she works hard at school and is very helpful but she so wants to have a group of friends she fits in with. These two girls she is friends with are lovely girls but, but they all have this urge to fit in!!
She’s 14.

Does she need they type of friends who only want to hang around her if she’s drinking?

needadvice54321 · 24/04/2021 13:44

I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable at that age, but you know your daughter. I relaxed when DS was 16, letting him take a couple of bottles of cider to parties etc. I'd rather provide something than have him asking older teens to buy it for him

Original poster
jacspatoutthecat · 24/04/2021 13:48

@MilduraS

My parents were relaxed about alcohol from about 14. Initially it was a few bottles of Smirnoff ice at family gatherings and then some shorts like Malibu or spiced rum. Unlike my friends I never felt the need to sneak around and lie about where I was or what I was doing. I also didn't feel the need to drink as much as possible in the few hours I was out of the house. I had a few friends with stricter parents who had bad experiences after drinking way too much way too quickly because they had no idea that downing half a bottle of vodka in half an hour would soon catch up with them! If I had teenagers I'd use the same approach as my parents.
I think there is some truth in this. My PIL's were really strict and my SIL left home the month after she was 16 and she was in so much trouble drinking smoking and generally being a nusiance because she had so many restrictions imposed on her when she was living at home , she did it all when she left home and had no real adult guidance by then. Because of this my DH is very relaxed and thinks by not forbidding it she will not use it as a rebellion tactic like his sister did.
OP posts:
imnotprincessbubblegum · 24/04/2021 13:48

Sorry I've not read all of the replies so hope I'm not repeating what anyone else has said.
It may well be she has the drink , isn't keen and doesn't drink again, or only has a drink very occasionally or this could become a regular thing, wanting to go down the beach and having a drink? Are you comfortable with her drinking regularly at this age? Of course everyone is different but I was allowed WKD/Bacardi breezers from about 13/14 (and had a ridiculously strict curfew) by the time I was 15 was one of those kids asking older "kids" (people aged 18-25) to buy me alcohol on a regular basis/multiple times a week and staying out all night so....as much as I completely understand not wanting her to feel left out or feeling uncool etc when it comes to my DD I'd think about health issues and safety issues and how it might go long term. Also is this her first time having alcohol as you don't know how she'll react to it, she might have half a bottle and feel very tipsy or drink the whole thing and feel nothing. Not sure I'd feel comfortable with DD drinking for the first time unattended at a beach of all places.

If it were me and I went ahead and gave her the alcohol I'd stay close by and explain to her that alcohol is for special/rare occasions only and that she's to keep her phone on her at all times and regularly update with how she is, but I'm not sure I'd allow it at 15 especially in those circumstances.

imnotprincessbubblegum · 24/04/2021 13:49

Sorry didn't realise that was so long Blush

paralysedbyinertia · 24/04/2021 13:55

My PIL's were really strict and my SIL left home the month after she was 16 and she was in so much trouble drinking smoking and generally being a nusiance because she had so many restrictions imposed on her when she was living at home , she did it all when she left home and had no real adult guidance by then. Because of this my DH is very relaxed and thinks by not forbidding it she will not use it as a rebellion tactic like his sister did.

I do understand the logic, but the research doesn't back it up. Various studies show that relaxed parental attitudes towards teenage drinking increase the risk of binge drinking and alcohol abuse further down the line.

I think there is a middle way between being so strict and unreasonable that you have no relationship with your teenage kids to the extent that they're desperate to rebel, and being so permissive that you have very few boundaries at all.

Sexnotgender · 24/04/2021 13:58

@GreyhoundG1rl

I wouldn't. She's 14, she doesn't need alcohol to spend the afternoon at the beach. Surprised so many posters think this is normal!
Totally agree.
Mrgrinch · 24/04/2021 14:00

Mine wouldn't be going at all.

KittytheHare · 24/04/2021 14:06

You already let her have alcohol in your garden last summer, when she was 13/barely 14. I find that shocking to be honest, and goes against all proper research on alcohol and responsible attitudes in young people.

Not sure why you're having such a problem with it this time, if you've greenlighted alcohol almost a year ago. And I don't consider your back garden vs the beach to be wildly and completely separate contexts.

GreyhoundG1rl · 24/04/2021 14:07

The more I think about it, op, the more off it feels that you're so happy to help her fit in with this gang, rather than teach her about peer pressure.
The fact that it's "just one" (this time) isn't really the point.

StillRunningUpThatHill · 24/04/2021 14:15

It’s not a special occasion, is it? It’s an afternoon at the local beach with two mates. What about when she wants to do it next week? And the week after? Are you going to let her become a regular drinker at 15?

I said it before but it bears repeating: most teenagers are NOT doing this. The fact that her peers do does not mean it is either OK, or normal.

And it has nothing to do with the school. My school is a normal comprehensive. We have a small number of teens who drink in public. The vast majority don’t. We worry about those who do and they tend to get themselves into trouble with the police or into dangerous situations.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 24/04/2021 14:17

I allowed my DD to try alcohol when she asked. She hated it. Let her try it, she might not like it.

Mrgrinch · 24/04/2021 14:19

@KittytheHare

You already let her have alcohol in your garden last summer, when she was 13/barely 14. I find that shocking to be honest, and goes against all proper research on alcohol and responsible attitudes in young people.

Not sure why you're having such a problem with it this time, if you've greenlighted alcohol almost a year ago. And I don't consider your back garden vs the beach to be wildly and completely separate contexts.

Exactly.
paralysedbyinertia · 24/04/2021 14:19

@osbertthesyrianhamster

I allowed my DD to try alcohol when she asked. She hated it. Let her try it, she might not like it.
The OP has said that she has tried it previously.
BrilliantBetty · 24/04/2021 14:19

I'd give a cider or similar.
Better she has that than gets someone to buy her something.. such as vodka!

Normal to be experimenting with booze at that age. My friends and I were already taking E by 15. It was easier to buy than alcohol. So if my DD wanted a small bottle of something low % I'd be happy to buy it. And happy that she tells me what's going on.