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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Erm, did I approach this correctly?

204 replies

Champagneforeveryone · 27/02/2021 12:03

Because none of the parenting books mention how to deal with situations like this Confused

I came down to leave for work early this morning and found a small drawstring bag on the worktop. I looked in it and found a rather large, shiny item. Which was not what I expected over my cornflakes.

There's only me, DH and DS (nearly 17) in the house. It's not mine or DH's so I messaged DS and asked if he was missing anything. He's basically admitted it is his and the conversation was very light and non-committal, but I was somewhat at a loss for what to say. I have no desire to know the ins and outs (excuse the pun) of it but simply requested it didn't live on the worktop. He said he thought that was best and we agreed to forget the conversation had ever happened.

I imagine he's mortified (thank god for WhatsApp) but should I be doing or saying anything else?

FWIW, I hid the bag so DH didn't find it so it's only me and him who know. I'm not convinced this is a conversation DH and I really need to have if I'm honest Grin

OP posts:
WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo · 03/03/2021 03:47

For the less knowledgeable among us... you can not only get bejewelled butt plugs but also ones that make it look like you have a tail. ShockGrin

smaragda · 03/03/2021 04:51

@whatwoulsphyliscranedo this made me spit my tea out as it reminded me of a time about 10 years ago.my dd was 5 and asked me to buy her a tail...so I did a search online, we were scrolling through the pictures of all these pretty kiddie tails on a belt type thing, and then came across one that didn't have a belt. My daughter looked up at me with her big beautiful innocent eyes and said
"but mummy, how are you supposed to wear this one?" I, of course,lost it and hurriedly changed the subject

nancywhitehead · 03/03/2021 05:32

It is fine to say on here that it was a sex toy. The fact that you struggled so much just to say what it was - even on an anonymous forum - is a bit worrying, OP!

The more prudish you are about these things, the more you are causing yourself unnecessary discomfort, and the more difficult it is for your son to accept things about himself, too.

If I were you I would have just laughed. Young people experiment with things like that, surely you must know that it's not all that abnormal. Sure, it's a bit embarrassing for your son and you that you actually found it, but it's no big deal. Don't make him feel like it's this big abnormal thing that must never ever be mentioned again and you must pretend it never happened! That is how young people become ashamed of their sexuality, which is very unhealthy.

You don't have to have a big discussion with him about it of course but just don't make him feel shame for it or like it's a massive taboo. It's a part of life.

rwalker · 03/03/2021 05:37

I don't think there any need to say anything else .The lad will be horrified

Basically there used for wanking they shove it up there arse and it touches prostrate . It enhances orgsams as when they cum there arsehole pulses round it and it moves inside them rubbing prostrate .

Imagine if it was the other way round and he found your vibrator what conversation would you want him to have with you .
He must be cringing don't humiliate him and mention it just leave it in his bed to find .

Denny53 · 03/03/2021 05:43

@derryrose1980

Large shiny item in a small drawstring bag...I am confused on size now lol
Me too. How can it be a large shiny item in a small drawstring bag?
midnightstar66 · 03/03/2021 06:06

A butt plug is not as mainstream or common as a vibrator.

I expect they will be in future - online dating is awash with men who profess to be 100% straight but are in to butt plugs and pegging. This wasn't the case a few years ago. He's not leaving the house so I assume he's just seen it in porn or heard about it from his mates and is curious to use it while having a wank, also sounds like he left it there at a time of day that you'd not usually be up so I doubt it was a deliberate act to leave it there, probably took it to clean when he knew no one would be up and forgot it. I don't think it needs a full on deep convo under these circumstances.

midnightstar66 · 03/03/2021 06:07

It is fine to say on here that it was a sex toy. The fact that you struggled so much just to say what it was - even on an anonymous forum - is a bit worrying, OP!

OP explained it was to avoid being assumed a troll rather than being too embarrassed to say what it was.

Nancydrawn · 03/03/2021 06:42

@DIshedUp

It seems an unusual thing for a 16 year old to buy as a masturbation aid tbh. Especially a jewelled one.

Its not quite the same as a dildo. Its a toy that goes up the bum, the bum is not an orifice designed for sexual purposes. Tbh Id be quite surprised to find a 16 year old leaving a dildo on the kitchen table as well

It certainly can be, particularly though not exclusively for men.

Fwiw, I'd be surprised to find anyone leaving a dildo on the kitchen table, be they 16 or 61.

SpeakingFranglais · 03/03/2021 06:47

I didn’t think this was the norm either, and I have had a teenage boy (now grown). I’ve had the crusty socks down the side of the bed sure, but never a butt plug.

DD is however a HCP and didn’t turn a hair at the 14 year old that presented to A&E with a lost a roll on deodorant. Said it’s just another day in her city hospital.

Cccc1111 · 03/03/2021 06:52

I don’t think you and DH need to have that conversation, and you dealt with it perfectly with DS. Best forgotten. DS will already be cringing at you finding it, there’s no need to make him have to go through it again and feel worse, if you tell DH.

LordOfTheOnionRings · 03/03/2021 07:31

If I were him I would be horrified hahahahahaha bless him.

These things happen.

I would be potentially be having a conversation about safe sex if this is the first time you know he has been sexually active (can only presume he brought it home with him if it was on the kitchen table??).

Nomorepies · 03/03/2021 07:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

Somethingkindaoooo · 03/03/2021 07:54

[quote smaragda]@whatwoulsphyliscranedo this made me spit my tea out as it reminded me of a time about 10 years ago.my dd was 5 and asked me to buy her a tail...so I did a search online, we were scrolling through the pictures of all these pretty kiddie tails on a belt type thing, and then came across one that didn't have a belt. My daughter looked up at me with her big beautiful innocent eyes and said
"but mummy, how are you supposed to wear this one?" I, of course,lost it and hurriedly changed the subject[/quote]
Treasured family moment.

Doesn't prolonged use of butt plugs cause anal leakage? Or am I thinking of something else ?

NoMackerelInSwindon · 03/03/2021 08:06

OP, I can’t really offer you any help with the discussion with him, but can I advise you to refrain from leaving any just-baked apple pies out on the kitchen side to cool down.

Nith · 03/03/2021 08:32

This whole thread is weird, what was the point of OP posting it, she's barely interacted?

In a short thread, I don't think you can say that five posts is barely interacting.

Meowchickameowmeow · 03/03/2021 08:32

I was given some butt plugs as a Christmas gift a few years ago, they came in individual drawstring bags and they're very shiny, jewelled in fact!

Thenose · 03/03/2021 08:52

He left it there by mistake, obviously, so there was no reason to advise him not to do it again. It would have been more polite to say nothing and pretend you hadn't seen it. You've embarrassed him unnecessarily.

TwatWaffleTwinkleToes · 03/03/2021 09:17

@Leah2005

Are you sure it wasn't a wine stopper? Grin
Just me imagining that OP might get it gift wrapped for their birthday?

"Oh! It was a bottle stopper!" Phew Grin

MagicSummer · 03/03/2021 09:19

Well I must have lived a very sheltered life! I have never even heard of this object, even less what you would do with it and why!

God I am so glad I am not a teenager/20s in these times!

crochetmonkey74 · 03/03/2021 09:25

@Oblomov21

Oh come on Gerti, stop being so pedantic. Of course I know what the age of consent is. But realistically most parents don't want their children have sexual intercourse pre 16, ideally.

And yes, don't read into my posts. I never said that! Don't treat me like an idiot. We all know boys masturbation from an early age is totally fine and normal. I never said otherwise.

That wasn't my point at all and surely if you've got any common sense you must know that.

My point was that I'm hoping that a butt plug is not the first thing that somebody buys, is their first sexual encounter, or thought, if totally inexperienced, or very early on in their sexual life.

This boy has been in lockdown for the last year so shouldn't have been sexually active with anyone. so I'm just asking is he in a relationship? is he having sexual relations with anyone?

and basically what is he doing buying a butt plug so young? if he hasn't had any experience whatsoever is that normal?
Is my question?

In an ideal world people young teenagers go to parties, the learning curve is gradual: snog, touch, touch breasts, touch penis, it's all very gradual until they eventually have sex. and start experimenting. and thinking about things they might like to try. and I'm just a bit surprised, of all the things you could do, try, buy, that a butt plug is one of the first thoughts, or purchases.

OP you need to read this and think about it, despite the desperation for everyone to be a totally cool parent on here- butt plugs for a 16 year old in lockdown are not normal- it may have been a joke etc but you do need to talk more to him about this. 16 is not an adult - and seeing as he has been locked down - he is even more not an adult- some more careful talking is required
NotSeenBulling · 03/03/2021 09:30

I went to a party once where all the balloons were weighted to the middle of the tables by stainless steel butt plugs.

It was a fun party.

Lalliella · 03/03/2021 09:54

simply requested it didn't live on the worktop That’s got to be the best sentence (or part thereof) on Mumsnet ever! I haven’t rtft but I have to say OP that you handled it brilliantly and your DS will probably be embarrassed but will respect your parenting. 👏👏 to you

Meowchickameowmeow · 03/03/2021 10:06

@MagicSummer

Well I must have lived a very sheltered life! I have never even heard of this object, even less what you would do with it and why!

God I am so glad I am not a teenager/20s in these times!

You've seriously never heard of a butt plug? What about anal play? It's literally been around forever, nothing to do with being a teen in these times.
therocinante · 03/03/2021 10:08

I'm more surprised there are adults on this thread who've never even heard of a butt plug!

My only slight concern would be where he got it - does he get parcels delivered, OP? Otherwise (assuming he got it in the last year, which would mean going to Ann Summers or similar when they were open, and he's not actually old enough to go in their sex toy section...) I'd be mildly concerned he got it off someone else, which might mean there's some gentle probing (excuse the pun) to be done about who that person is.

Otherwise, when I was a teenager, a few of my male friends had sex toys - Fleshlights and stuff. I wouldn't be overly concerned OP - maybe give him a vague "I know it's embarassing for you but I am always here if you want to ask me anything, talk about anything, I'm your mum and I just want you to be safe and happy" and leave the door open for some of the more pessimistic posters' interpretations of events.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 03/03/2021 10:17

This thread is hilarious.

Wait until you have to tell ask your ds for his partner to be quiet when dtd. That’s a really awkward conversation😂