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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Erm, did I approach this correctly?

204 replies

Champagneforeveryone · 27/02/2021 12:03

Because none of the parenting books mention how to deal with situations like this Confused

I came down to leave for work early this morning and found a small drawstring bag on the worktop. I looked in it and found a rather large, shiny item. Which was not what I expected over my cornflakes.

There's only me, DH and DS (nearly 17) in the house. It's not mine or DH's so I messaged DS and asked if he was missing anything. He's basically admitted it is his and the conversation was very light and non-committal, but I was somewhat at a loss for what to say. I have no desire to know the ins and outs (excuse the pun) of it but simply requested it didn't live on the worktop. He said he thought that was best and we agreed to forget the conversation had ever happened.

I imagine he's mortified (thank god for WhatsApp) but should I be doing or saying anything else?

FWIW, I hid the bag so DH didn't find it so it's only me and him who know. I'm not convinced this is a conversation DH and I really need to have if I'm honest Grin

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 27/02/2021 21:58

It's jewelled? Is that normal for such an item? I bet someone gave it to him for a laugh at school, he shoved it his pocket and totally forgot about it, until his mum messaged him about it.

lbrc84 · 27/02/2021 22:00

I feel for you OP, being a mum myself to a 14 year old DS. I dont know what I would do in this instance. Maybe just ask where he got it from and reassure him you won't tell anyone about it.

On a lighter note I just keep thinking of the scene in Friends where Phoebe sees Monica and Chandler together for the first time and she says "Oh my eyes, my eyes!!"

haggisandmarsbar · 27/02/2021 22:15

@Koolandorthegang

How’s it going OP, did you have a chat with bashful butt plug boy then?
😂
QuickShadow · 27/02/2021 22:18

Ok ... what's a butt plug for? As in, what's the benefit? I'm obviously really sheltered Blush

HoppingPavlova · 27/02/2021 23:03

I would guess he was cleaning it in the sink and forgot it.

Okay, if that’s what it is then a conversation is definitely needed. Basic hygiene. If you stick something in your arse you don’t clean it in the sink where you wash up cups and dishes and do food prep. That’s disgusting.

Oblomov21 · 28/02/2021 08:41

I have only just seen the update. I too am confused by all these 'cool' parents.
Is this honestly normal? I don't think so.
Op hasn't answered any questions.

He's still 16. Not yet 17. He has been in lockdown since he was 15. So he's not supposed to be sexually actively. None of us are supposed to be seeing anyone covid wise! Has he a girlfriend? A boyfriend? Before? Many girlfriends?

What was his first sexual experience? How anyone can think it's normal to be non sexually actively, really young, your first sexual experience, yet to be using a butt plug.

Is this considered the norm?

Oblomov21 · 28/02/2021 08:43

I mean he's 16 now. So it is allowed. But he was 15 when lockdown started, so shouldn't have been sexually actively till 16.

earlyforties · 28/02/2021 09:10

How do you know it's DS's & not DH's? 😉

Are we not allowed say butt plug on MN in case we're accused of trolling? 😅

GertiMJN · 28/02/2021 09:14

Oblomov21 16 is the legal age of consent in this country, not the age at which people are "allowed" to be sexually active Confused

Op has been clear that her ds has stuck to the restrictions so the only physical sexual activity he can have been engaged in is masturbation. And it is entirely normal for that to start way before 16!

crispychicken12 · 28/02/2021 09:17

I think you approached it okay

GertiMJN · 28/02/2021 09:23

Conversations about sex, safe sex, contraception relationships, sexuality, internet dangers etc. Should have been happening at an age appropriate level throughout his life.

Oblomov21 · 28/02/2021 09:28

Oh come on Gerti, stop being so pedantic. Of course I know what the age of consent is. But realistically most parents don't want their children have sexual intercourse pre 16, ideally.

And yes, don't read into my posts. I never said that! Don't treat me like an idiot. We all know boys masturbation from an early age is totally fine and normal. I never said otherwise.

That wasn't my point at all and surely if you've got any common sense you must know that.

My point was that I'm hoping that a butt plug is not the first thing that somebody buys, is their first sexual encounter, or thought, if totally inexperienced, or very early on in their sexual life.

This boy has been in lockdown for the last year so shouldn't have been sexually active with anyone. so I'm just asking is he in a relationship? is he having sexual relations with anyone?

and basically what is he doing buying a butt plug so young? if he hasn't had any experience whatsoever is that normal?
Is my question?

In an ideal world people young teenagers go to parties, the learning curve is gradual: snog, touch, touch breasts, touch penis, it's all very gradual until they eventually have sex. and start experimenting. and thinking about things they might like to try. and I'm just a bit surprised, of all the things you could do, try, buy, that a butt plug is one of the first thoughts, or purchases.

GertiMJN · 28/02/2021 09:33

I'm not being pedantic Oblomov21, just baffled by your insistence of what he shouldn't be doing.

Would you have the same reaction if it had been a nearly 17 year old girl who had a vibrator?

Oblomov21 · 28/02/2021 09:36

Should be doing? FFS Hmm
Isn't a vibrator totally normal / ok for a 17 year old dd?

GertiMJN · 28/02/2021 09:39

Of course, that's my point.

GertiMJN · 28/02/2021 09:43

I'm just trying to understand why acceptinga vibrator is normal parenting but accepting a butt plug is "cool" parenting?

Oblomov21 · 28/02/2021 09:46

A butt plug is not as mainstream or common as a vibrator.
For a totally inexperienced 16 year old.

Oblomov21 · 28/02/2021 09:51

73% of Lovehoneys purchases were dildos. Bought by men and women. 9% butt plugs. Bought by men largely, minimally for women.

Littlefluffyclouds13 · 28/02/2021 09:52

I honestly think you're totally off the mark here. It's much more likely to be your dhs, you say he's very straight - they're often the ones with all the secrets!

In your shoes I'd say absolutely nothing to your ds until your 100% sure it's not your dhs!

GertiMJN · 28/02/2021 10:22

73% of Lovehoneys purchases were dildos. Bought by men and women

So you would have had a totally different response to the OP's situation if the item had been a dildo not a butt plug? On the basis that's it mainstream rather than what it could be used for?

That makes no sense to me.

Oblomov21 · 28/02/2021 10:44

Stop picking!
Where did I say I'd have a different response. No. I didn't.

LynetteScavo · 28/02/2021 10:55

I still don't really know what a butt plug is for or looks like and I'm refusing to Google Blush But from this thread I've learned they are sometimes bejewelled.

So my question is do you need a partner to use one?

I would hand it back to DS, asking where he got it from.

DIshedUp · 28/02/2021 11:13

It seems an unusual thing for a 16 year old to buy as a masturbation aid tbh. Especially a jewelled one.

Its not quite the same as a dildo. Its a toy that goes up the bum, the bum is not an orifice designed for sexual purposes. Tbh Id be quite surprised to find a 16 year old leaving a dildo on the kitchen table as well

CovidCrow · 28/02/2021 11:24

@Oblomov21

I have only just seen the update. I too am confused by all these 'cool' parents. Is this honestly normal? I don't think so. Op hasn't answered any questions.

He's still 16. Not yet 17. He has been in lockdown since he was 15. So he's not supposed to be sexually actively. None of us are supposed to be seeing anyone covid wise! Has he a girlfriend? A boyfriend? Before? Many girlfriends?

What was his first sexual experience? How anyone can think it's normal to be non sexually actively, really young, your first sexual experience, yet to be using a butt plug.

Is this considered the norm?

I'm with you @Oblomov21. I don't think it's usual at all and I have teenage boys.

This whole thread is weird, what was the point of OP posting it, she's barely interacted?

TomPinch · 03/03/2021 03:36

@QuickShadow

Ok ... what's a butt plug for? As in, what's the benefit? I'm obviously really sheltered Blush
They're for dealing with the aftereffects of a dodgy takeaway.