We took our eye off the ball and now DS is...

[DustinTheTurkey]

I don't even know what he is. Or who. He's not even a teenager yet and I probably shouldn't have posted on this board, but he's just a few months off 13 so hopefully someone here will have some advice.

He's smart, popular and has always been just fine, no real problems at all. He started secondary school in September and it seems to have just spiralled from there. I hate the phrase "he's fallen in with a bad crowd" but that's exactly what's happened and we had no idea. He had a small group of friends all through primary school. We knew them and their parents and all was good. He got a phone for his 12th birthday and we have family sharing on it, only age-appropriate apps, regular checks by us etc. In the last few months we've noticed he's so moody, doesn't want to spend any time with us, often cheeky mumbling under his breath that sort of thing. Ususal hormone stuff we thought. He's not allowed out mid week, but on weekends we'd allowed him to go to the local skatepark and out and about on his bike with his pals. A few months ago I allowed him to have an Instagram account and I follow it. Pics and videos of him doing wheelies and jumps on the bike, that sort of thing. But he'd created a new instagram account so I was stupidly following the sanitised one.

Turns out he's now part of what seems like (or they act like) a gang. We don't know any of these boys, but we've been given a heads-up on a few of them and they're trouble. And now he is too. He's been vaping, hanging around an underpass with fires lighting, setting fire to deodorant cans (that he has stolen from DH bathroom!) We've seen videos of them doing this, heard repulsive language and seen photos of them with their stupid 'gang' hand gestures. He had told us he was out with his 'old' friends but he wasn't, he's basically ditched them for this new lot and seems to be totally infatuated with them.

We don't know what to do to get him back on track. We've removed his phone and made him delete his social media accounts. He's grounded for the next few weeks. But we've no idea how to handle this going forward. We don't want to keep him under house arrest but we know we can't trust him. He doesn't seem to be able to tell one word of truth! And we know that the draw back to these boys is so strong that if we give him any chance to meet them he will.

Has anyone else managed to get their boy back on the right path? Any suggestions or words of wisdom? We are beside ourselves with worry and so full of shame and guilt that we let this happen

I want to point out that he’s not part of a “gang” . He is simply hanging around with a group of people doing anti social stuff.

He is hitting the peak of puberty, wanting to push boundaries, probably struggling to fit in? I’d speak to the school, maybe suggest some family support work to speak to him.

If you say this pull back to this “gang” is so strong I’d be worried he may be at risk of exploitation. They often use quiet and mouldable children in order to do what they need and often they get so tangled that they can’t get out hence why they always seem to gravitate back.

I’m not saying for a second he is being exploited by the way it’s something you really need to stay vigilant about especially In these times.

Take the phone off him, they are bad news for children. Also, are these kids very local? Can you move him to another school, maybe a smaller one of a rural one?

Tiny suggestion some routers have a built in timer / filter / blocker. .... he can't get round that on a ipad/tablet... without sim.
good luck

I had / hve a similar situation with my son. He started at a new college (16 year old) as we moved to a new area. Knew no one at college and fell in with a bad crowd. He failed his exams then I found loads of weed in his room. I was shocked as he doesn't even smoke. To say I was gutted is an understatement. We moved again to get away from his so called pals, he still smokes weed but apparently not like before, he has managed to get an apprenticeship hopefully he can hold onto it. But he has totally changed from the lovable person he use to be. My heart is broken. I am really patient with him, he likes squash so I book weekly classes. He has no friends, never had a girlfriend. He goes to work and sits in his room every night and all weekend. He lives a sad lonely life for a 19 year old. I wld definitely recommend getting ur son involved in a sport and do whatever u can to get him away from these so called friends.

Bad lot concentrate on the others

I would definaelty be seeking help from the school, the local police community warden and even a child therapist. Its my worst nightmare as a parent so I really do feel for you. My 13 yr old has no social media and I have FULL access to his phone - he has to earn the responsibility of this fully accessible world and he knows that. Those that say I'm smothering him are the exact parents whose 13 yr old girls are posting snapchat and insta photos of themselves pouting in their underwear so I couldn't give a hoot about their opinion.

Well for starters he doesn't need an i pad he can use a family computer or have parental controls on it . There are age restrictions on most social media apps so block them take control.
Ask school for homework to be on paper
Get him into some hobbies to take up his time rather than him having free unstructured time . You are the adults you put the rules in place he is a child. Its scary but he will comply when he knows you mean it.

I echo a PP suggestion of inviting the new friends around - one at a time - to get to know them.

My DDs got up to all sorts especially after my ExH and I separated. But non judgemental communication was the key and continued interest in them and their lives. My DDs complained that they told me far more than their friends told their parents 😂

OTH my now DH had a different parenting style with his DCs - very permissive, hands off, little involvement (he called it interference) in their lives. His kids are all adults now and dealing with the consequences of some very poor choices and behaviours when younger. I’m relieved to say that DH is now much more involved in their lives, comms have improved and relationships are being built. The only troubling area is that some of his DSCs have chosen to blame me as the wicked stepmother for all the things that have gone wrong. Which is sad, but I have hope that this perspective will eventually change. NB - I was nothing to do with their parents marriage ending.

It’s quite old fashioned but I truly believe teens need clear and firm boundaries. They also need simple explicit explanations for what is expected. They won’t usually just pick up things from watching their parents, which what my DH thought would happen. I also believe they need to be given more involvement in adult things. So they see more if the decision making process, how solutions to problems are found, know about economic and social realities. Basically taught life skills and also to see that their parents get wrong sometimes. The suggest up thread about parental apologies is also good.

Bunking classes, not coming straight home, getting into trouble at school, self harming, she had an internal exclusion all to do with this girl. This girl started messaging a girl whose dad had died saying she should have died with him and sending porn saying this is what she did with her dad before he died. She sent it all from my daughters phone.... The girl had all sorts of issues, none that were her fault but I really didn’t want my daughter round her and her other acquaintances. The more I tried to stop it the more attractive this girl became for her! Had the police turn up looking for one of the girls she met through this girl on several occasions. The worst thing was when this girl added my daughter to an Instagram chat room that was full of men in their 30s and 40s. This girl had pages and pages of messages from them. It was really scary. Luckily my daughter told me straight away and she managed to pull herself away from this girl and she’s now gone to another school

@Lulu49 omg that must have been awful. So the other girl moved school or you moved your dd. Xx

So what's the thing he did when he "took one for the team"? That text makes it sound like they're using him. I've got no advice about any of it, but for sports if it's available tetrathlon would keep him busy, it's running shooting swimming horse riding and cycling. In the competition you do all of it. It's good that your DC seems willing to work with you a bit on this situation. He's not saying no to everything you suggest which has to be a good sign. Fingers crossed for you OP.

You need to do everything to get him away from the gang. Move school, maybe boarding school. This is only the beginning. In the next 2 years hard drugs will be involved. It's not your fault. It's the peer group. Adolescents define themselves through their peers. You need to provide the safeist group possible. Pull him out of that school today.

*safest

I could have written your post - so stressed atm worrying. How are things going today?

At that age the " gang" stuff is all fake bravado. Dd has male friends the same age who think they are in gangs...she laughs at them. They are wannabee gang saddos.
Also at this age smoking etc starts....they will experement. All quite normal unfortunately.

I went to private school...hard drugs were rife even among my naice friends. I managed to say no.

There will always be bad influences...they need the tools to say no to them.

How do you give them the tools at that age when they think they know everything and don’t want to listen ...

My son joined a gang of ne'er-do-wells which the teachers at school acknowledged was not a good influence. He was trying to shake of his image as being 'prissy' because he came from a small primary school. The problem was resolved to some extent because he did something to annoy the gang and they dropped him. Not sure what it was he did or said (perhaps failing to 'take one for the team') but although he still wants to be in the gang, they have apparently rejected him. It great for his self-esteem, but a relief that he is not hanging round with kids who were clearly egging him on into trouble.

Just checking in for an (albeit not very exciting) update. Everyone was so helpful and supportive that I feel I should update every once in a while.

Things are relatively good. DS was grounded until Christmas Day, since then we've allowed him to go out on his bike but this is just in our estate with a few neighbours who we know well (he got new bike parts for Christmas and really wanted to be out on it) He still hasn't been given his phone back and has had zero contact with any of the boys we don't want him to hang around with.

People have commented on my use of the word gang and I think I did say in an earlier post that this was wrong of me, they are not in any way a gang in the proper sense just that they're hanging around in a group and doing things that we definitely don't approve of. I understand this is part of growing up and whilst we don't want to wrap him in cotton wool we are things that in our opinion are not negotiable. They're all very young still and it probably is pretty harmless but at the same time things have to start somewhere...

So he's had zero contact with any of the boys we had concerns about. He was brought to and collected from school every day until the Christmas holidays and hasn't been out (apart from outside our house in full view of us) since this all kicked off. Now we're in a full lockdown, he's not in school at all so there's no chance of him seeing or chatting to them for the forseeable. It's probably the only positive to this crap covid situation at the moment!

He seems pretty much back to his old self, we've no problem with him at all. He seems to be engaging well with online learning etc. and generally everything is good.

We're still unsure as to how this is all going to play out long-term, maybe the boys will have moved on without him but either way we know not to take our eye off the ball again. He also knows how seriously we take this stuff now and that we will follow through on any threats we make, so I think it's been a learning experience on both sides. It's such an uncertain time for everyone I'm hopeful that when the covid situation improves he can get back to sports training etc and will be able to spend time with his 'good' friends (sorry can't think of a better way to label them!)

Thanks again to everyone who has posted with support, similar stories and suggestions on how to deal with all this. I'll drop in and update again in the future. Wishing you all well

It's really good to hear all of that, OP. I'm glad that you feel you have got a handle on the situation and your ds is back to his old self. Well done!