We took our eye off the ball and now DS is...

[DustinTheTurkey]

I don't even know what he is. Or who. He's not even a teenager yet and I probably shouldn't have posted on this board, but he's just a few months off 13 so hopefully someone here will have some advice.

He's smart, popular and has always been just fine, no real problems at all. He started secondary school in September and it seems to have just spiralled from there. I hate the phrase "he's fallen in with a bad crowd" but that's exactly what's happened and we had no idea. He had a small group of friends all through primary school. We knew them and their parents and all was good. He got a phone for his 12th birthday and we have family sharing on it, only age-appropriate apps, regular checks by us etc. In the last few months we've noticed he's so moody, doesn't want to spend any time with us, often cheeky mumbling under his breath that sort of thing. Ususal hormone stuff we thought. He's not allowed out mid week, but on weekends we'd allowed him to go to the local skatepark and out and about on his bike with his pals. A few months ago I allowed him to have an Instagram account and I follow it. Pics and videos of him doing wheelies and jumps on the bike, that sort of thing. But he'd created a new instagram account so I was stupidly following the sanitised one.

Turns out he's now part of what seems like (or they act like) a gang. We don't know any of these boys, but we've been given a heads-up on a few of them and they're trouble. And now he is too. He's been vaping, hanging around an underpass with fires lighting, setting fire to deodorant cans (that he has stolen from DH bathroom!) We've seen videos of them doing this, heard repulsive language and seen photos of them with their stupid 'gang' hand gestures. He had told us he was out with his 'old' friends but he wasn't, he's basically ditched them for this new lot and seems to be totally infatuated with them.

We don't know what to do to get him back on track. We've removed his phone and made him delete his social media accounts. He's grounded for the next few weeks. But we've no idea how to handle this going forward. We don't want to keep him under house arrest but we know we can't trust him. He doesn't seem to be able to tell one word of truth! And we know that the draw back to these boys is so strong that if we give him any chance to meet them he will.

Has anyone else managed to get their boy back on the right path? Any suggestions or words of wisdom? We are beside ourselves with worry and so full of shame and guilt that we let this happen

Oh and please please don't think that it was just you that made this happen. It is not as simple as that

I have regrets for mistakes we made but I remember that we always tried to do our best and that is all that you can do!

Don’t usually post but your post could have been written by me, we went through the same with our ds, up to the age of 11/12 we were really close , like you our son seemed to always hang around with the kids that were in to smoking drinking etc, this went on for a few years like you we tried talking to him saying that we were worried and loved him so much etc etc tried everything and nothing worked. Until one day when he was 17 he just left, it’s been heartbreaking for us all and I constantly think what did we do wrong , if I could turn back time I honestly don’t know what we could have done differently , ultimately he’s an adult now and we have to allow him to make his own decisions . I think my point is here you are doing everything you can but he has to make his own decisions and most probably mistakes. Really hope things improve for you x

Has no one mentioned the fact he shouldn’t even be playing out due to restrictions?

My youngest son is the most intelligent person I know and he is on the autistic spectrum.

That’s the problem when our children go to secondary school . They no longer what you to take them so you don’t get a chance to meet their friends and parents .
All 4 of mine tried telling me I was strict and their friends parents let them do all amount of wonderful things .
Don’t have any solutions unfortunately. Just carry on doing what your doing

This must be a real worry but don’t blame yourself, it’s not uncommon for teenagers to strike out on their own unwise path and be secretive about it. Entry into secondary school is socially challenging and some children will adopt a different persona and hang out with a group to survive and avoid bullying. They are probably feeling quite stressed. If the group were threatening the girl they thought had told on them, your son may know deep down that they are not nice or safe and probably not real friends. It may be worth chatting with other parents to find out if these boys are intimating or bullying other children and that the children are terrified to speak. This is how bullies maintain control and power by invoking the don’t be a snitch narrative and punishing those who do. I agree with those who say, find activities including lots of physical, tiring activities he loves or may come to enjoy and keep him busy after school and at weekends. This could include challenges and learning new skills that provide an equal level of excitement or competition as vaping etc. He will make new friends outside school who share his interests and this will increase his sense of self worth. He may be secretly relieved. And will be too tired and busy enjoying himself to get bored and hang out in unsafe situations. Your monitoring and control of social media is wise but maybe try and be subtle about it so he doesn’t feel controlled or humiliated. For him to feel empowered and able to make good choices he needs to develop a sense of responsibility for himself and others so anything that develops that eg caring for a pet, doing jobs for pocket money, minding a younger sibling will make him feel needed and so of high value. Communication is key and if it’s possible to develop a mutually respectful partnership with him to facilitating him achieve his goals, enjoy life and stay safe, that would be ideal. Good luck.

A child can be very smart and still have a learning disorder. Mine were top of their years in primary but started to struggle in secondary because of concentration problems - they hadn't needed to concentrate in primary because of their underlying ability. Diagnosis and understanding made a huge difference to their happiness and wellbeing.

This terrifies me. My DD is 10 and still believes in Father Christmas and the Tooth Fairy. What is going to happen in the next couple of years?? She’s already asked for a mobile phone - and I’ve said maybe when she goes to secondary school. I’d want to say that as we - her parents - are paying for it, it gets used appropriately or we take it away. I want to say that all computer use is in the living room and visible to us.

No advice, had some issues with my DSD so just offering a hand to hold and some solid reassurance that this is down to his poor choices and nothing to do with you.

At his age he knows exactly what he's doing and he needs to understand that actions have consequences. Don't feel guilty for parenting your own child.

Get the school on board because I guarantee they were aware of this long before you were and get that chat function on Teams switched off, the ipad goes too and he needs to be supervised.

Tough love.

I think most teens go through some sort of edgy phase I know I did but that was due to personal reasons at home that made me like that. I'm grown up now with kids and settled down and happy, but I remember at school a lot kids was more a less the same I honestly think a lot of it is boredom and excitement most grow out of it. However the ones I noticed didn't had things like ADHD my daughter has it but she's only little so I'm worried in that respect what she'll be like when she hits teen years, and hormones kick in. Good luck OP.

It is so easy for it to happen. I have no real advice. I think most problems come from hanging around with nothing to do. This is a common problem in small towns. Obviously you have grounded him but you can't do that forever. It is quite common for kids to have multiple Instagram accounts. Does he do any clubs, in particular, sports. Sports - like rugby, athletics or even football - often help to give them a focus and team games are great for team work, discipline, competition and fitness.

Teen years are really hard for the parents and the children too. Teens are trying to find out who they are, and even those without any ADHD/ASD are hardwired to take more risks and to separate from their parents.

Saying that though, I would advise to look into adhd as a possibility. Emotional immaturity (and emotional instability), plus issues with organisation, time management, distractability and risk taking can all be symptoms. ADHD is thought to affect about 3-5% of people, so it's not that uncommon.

I have an 11yo DS with adhd (has just started secondary school) and we are trying to keep him busy with sports to prevent problems. At the moment his friendship group is a lovely, slightly geeky, group of boys whose parents I know. But that could all change at any time. He's also very bright- just got 97th centile in a reading test, was on track to get top marks in his SATs.

I was a terrible teen, very much went off the rails- drugs (mainly only weed, never really liked the feel of it so didn't experiment much beyond that), sex, smoking, a trip in an ambulance after downing too much alcohol etc. I was also desperately unhappy, anxious, lacked confidence, didn't feel like I fitted in. Now that DS has been diagnosed with ADHD I'm pretty sure that I have it too, it certainly makes sense of a lot of things. And DS is a little mini me, which is why I'm so worried about his teen years!

And yes, I grew up in a village with no activities (I'm not at all sporty), lots of places to hide away to get up to mischief and not much fun stuff to do other than set fire to stuff and try to sneak into the pub to buy cigarettes from the machine.

We now live in a city with lots of activities, plus we have a play room so there is somewhere he can hang out with his mates and I can keep an eye on it.

A bit late to the party here but thought I’d share my own experience, I have a 4 year old son so have all this to look forward to. However when I was 13/14 I started drinking & smoking, fighting at school etc was constantly grounded for weeks on end but the minute I was allowed out I would do it all again. My poor mum & dad were demented with me. To add aswell my dad was high up in the police at the time and my mum a bank manager. If you asked me now why I did it there is no proper reason, what I will say is my parents did work a lot and come the weekend I can’t ever remember spending proper family time maybe once in a blue moon went out for a meal..
I think I got it all out my system well before I was supposed to, I got a full time job when I turned 18, worked and saved hard and had my own mortgage when I turned 20. Again one of those things when it is a lot easier said than done but would try not to worry yourself sick, a lot of kids go through ‘rebel stages’. Hope everything gets better for you’s xx

This has happened to me yet but a lot of people I know vaguely in another smaller moms group.
I’m afraid the only real solution often is to remove him from the friends. Move, change schools, or boarding school. Peers have so much influence and after age 12 or so parents just can’t match it. It’s harsh but was very effective for the mums I know. The kids picked better friends the next round.

Typo—hasn’t happened to me personally

Very late to the party but I agree with everything Pictish has said.
We had a dreadful time with DD1 and something that really helped was that we arranged through our local community policing team for her to visit the local station to be spoken to by the sergeant.
He showed her the cells where she would be held if she carried on her current path and scared her quite a bit.
Not everyone is as lucky but it is worth asking the local policing team.

Been there with eldest. We were just talking about him. He did almost every stupid thing a teen can do. And beyond. Me always mopping up the pieces behind him. He hit 20 and somehow realised he was worth more than this. Got access course, similar to a levels. Went on to get a 1st at uni! Thing is not to give up on them. There will be awful days, but they do get better. Promise!

Yeah two v smart kids here with ADHD don’t rule that out get him into something else after school appreciate that’s difficult at the moment but do it as soon as . Join a band , sports just something that means he doesn’t depend on this group for entertainment . Put in a bit of foot work yourselves provide help in establishing refriending old group offer lifts pay for cinema (when open ) that sort of thing be proactive with your help . Don’t condemn the bad friends just remind him of the good old friends .

Pictish talking the most sense here. I have 2 teenagers 17 and 19. I am a teacher, I understand teenagers behaviour. I have 'done' the hobby thing - you can not force. The last 5 years have been the hardest ever and mine are not the worst at all. Initially talking to friends helped as it made me feel more normal with my worries as they had their own. This fades as you realise you have limited influence and can not control. Hard line will not work - anyone who says it will has not experienced non compliant teenagers. It is a lonely road. If you have a supportive partner who is on your wavelength and you can work with then you are very lucky. Good luck OP. I look forward to when they turn that corner everyone talks about

This could be written about our DS, aged 14. We have been loving, strict, grounded him, tried to be understanding. Everything. We've had many support services involved and have engaged fully. But believe me and especially @pictish who I think really gets it, nothing you can do will stop him.

Our son has stolen money, alcohol, anything to keep him in with this gang. No school will touch him and he doesn't attend anymore. He has been signed up for an alternative education where they teach labouring skills.

As for internet, we turned ours off at 10pm to stop access - he hacked into the neighbour's password-protected WiFi!

He was diagnosed with ADHD approximately 2 years ago but he's always been challenging.

I check his phone and track his movements. Without wishing to scare you, the messages relate to drug running and our DS shows all the signs of an exploited child. He's on first name terms with many of the police officers and I can't begin to explain the shame I feel when they turn up at the door.

I can't tell you what you need to do as I haven't come through the other side. All I can say is that it's a really horrible time and I'm thinking of you.

No advice from me but I just wanted to say that you sound very sensible and open to accepting alternative points of view. I think your son is lucky to have you both as parents and I’m sure you’ll work things out as a family.

My daughter went through this phase. She actually ran away (we knew where she was) as she didn't like our rules. I contacted school, school contacted social workers, social workers advised us to leave her to come round. She did eventually!! Absolutely broke my heart at the time but my now twenty seven year old is sitting watching tv with me now, pregnant with her first child, complaining how hard her day has been in her well paid 'professional' job and that her boyfriend hasn't washed the dishes today and it was his turn. If someone would have told me a few years ago it would all be ok I'd have never believed them. I'm sure it's just a phase and you'll get him back. Just be consistent with your rules and be patient is my only advice. Good luck.

This happened to my daughter when she started secondary. As soon as she said she was waiting with her friend who was waiting for her social worker to pick her up I just knew........ my daughter woke up to it herself when this girl showed her true colours but it was 9+ months of anguish. The more you try and force him away from these friends the more he will go to them.

@Lulu49 gosh what happened my dd starts comp soon