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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

I cant do it anymore. DS14 is destroying me

233 replies

Dumbledorker · 20/06/2020 01:59

I cant even find the words to write how bad it is. Im scared this is relentless and there is no way out of this ongoing hell with him. How do you deal with feeling like you have a sociopathic child who will never change only get worse. Im so scared I will lose him either through him eventually taking his own life because he feels so hated and alone or that in the future I will have to cut ties with him because of how he is. I hate writing this about my own son. He is the sweetest kid at times but when everyone is gone and its just me and him then its different. Its when he cant have his own way he doesnt react like a normal moody teenager its just nasty, physiological abuse.. he will stand for sometimes hours giving me a speech that seems like its out of a play like an actor would talk like... he will sit in my bedroom while I try to sleep until I give in and give him his WiFi privileges or PlayStation. I used to have to just give in so I felt safe but because ive reached out for help in the last few months I've started to regain control and be consistent so things can go on all night and I won't give in to his demands. Tonight its bedtime at 11 as its the weekend. This has led to him refusing and sitting laughing at me in the living room so I gave him a warning and said he has to go to bed or his priviliges (WiFi and ps4) will be taken tomorrow.. he says I have no control and im a shit mum. So I go upstairs and take the console and from there hes tried take it back and then took the hdmi cable out of the back of the TV so I cant watch it when hes in bed. Ive tried to get the cable back and hes dramatically fallen and said ive physically abused him so ive taken the ps4 to the neighbours who is my friend and helps me. I came back and he has locked me out with my little girls still in the house, he picked up a knife gesturing that he's going to kill himself ive rung 999. They have come out and told him he needs to follow my rules under my roof and listen to me. Theyve asked me to keep an eye on him through the night..they referred back to SS again although we are already under the local family hub for support and camhs who have said its behavioural not mental health. He told the officers hes out the knife back and was upset. This is the 3rd time they've come out in 2 weeks. Hes since been downstairs a million times telling me I am no mum to him anymore and he's done with me. He scares his sisters when he's like this i can't have them watching all this anymore. Ive tried so much to help him but im exhausted and broken. I cant possibly write everything that is happening i just need to know if anyone else is like this or if it gets better. Its hell .

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/06/2020 05:33

Have you spoken to the friend's parents, with whom he stayed? It might be an idea to do that, to see what was said while he was there.

Re. the PDA FB groups etc., I don't think you need a diagnosis to join them, as PDA is notoriously hard to get a diagnosis for in some areas - and next to impossible in Australia! My friend here has a child with almost certain PDA but because of its huge differences from autism, they won't diagnose it separately (thanks, DSM!) and the child doesn't fit the autism diagnostic criteria. So her child has a massive anxiety disorder and issues with authority, but no diagnosis because the Australian psychs won't stray from the DSM5.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/06/2020 05:33

Oops - hit send too soon - meant to add that my friend is in PDA FB groups and gains a lot of support through them, despite her child having no diagnosis.

madroid · 22/06/2020 08:57

Hope yesterday evening went ok OP.

I know he's being better but try to focus on you today. You need some care too. Glad you got your walk yesterday at least.

Dumbledorker · 22/06/2020 11:08

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

Have you spoken to the friend's parents, with whom he stayed? It might be an idea to do that, to see what was said while he was there.

Re. the PDA FB groups etc., I don't think you need a diagnosis to join them, as PDA is notoriously hard to get a diagnosis for in some areas - and next to impossible in Australia! My friend here has a child with almost certain PDA but because of its huge differences from autism, they won't diagnose it separately (thanks, DSM!) and the child doesn't fit the autism diagnostic criteria. So her child has a massive anxiety disorder and issues with authority, but no diagnosis because the Australian psychs won't stray from the DSM5.

His friends parents a Slovakian and dont speak any English so without sounding awful its really hard to speak to them Sad I know that he is safe there as he has stayed there frequently over the last few years as they are good friends . He downloaded an app on his phone ages ago and started teaching himself Slovakian Smile

His mum isn't at home much either she works alot and especially late on so his friend and my ds are usually looked after there by his grandma.

I think it has done him some good getting that break for the night. When I came home it was very calm and no drama. He asked me when he has to go to bed and went when told. He came back down and asked me if I had seen his "a street cat named bob" book amd I couldn't so I gave him my old kindle instead and downloaded a book on it for him.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/06/2020 12:17

Ah fair enough. Maybe you're right and he just needed the break to defuse everything.
Hope the calm lasts!

Dumbledorker · 22/06/2020 13:32

Me too. Hes got up and i asked him if he slept well and how was his book. He said he fell asleep after a few pages and I laughed and said its annoying isn't it when you love to read but it also sends you to sleep. I made him a cup of tea and told him after hes showered we will go to buy some spades for a project in the garden plus get something nice for tea. Ive also set out that his wifi is on now because of how nice last night went and he can have it till 9.30pm tonight and then its winding down for bed and maybe if he goes to bed earlier he will be able to read more of his book without going to sleep...
And everything is good.
Ive also emailed his school asking them to consider a place for him at this time while there are limited pupils in school it might help his anxiety for going back in september if he isn't in a full class of the usual pupils

OP posts:
Andante57 · 22/06/2020 13:55

I’m so sorry you are going through this, op, and I hope you get the help you need with your son.

Feellikedancingyeah · 22/06/2020 13:59

Hi just wanted to say hello you are not alone in this . Keep taking to school they can help with referalls. Do you feel safe? Keep your phone with you

RUOKHon · 22/06/2020 14:53

OP feel free to ignore this if it sounds ridiculously paranoid, but, it’s not possible he could be reading this thread is it? Would he know how to put a key logger or other software onto your devices? Is that something he might do?

The hurting animals, standing on his sister’s back (!) and the knife/hostage situation has me so, so worried for you all. He’s in charge and he knows it. You sound cowed and scared. Please be careful.

ukgift2016 · 22/06/2020 20:32

OP did you contact social services like you said you would?

You do realise this good behaviour will not last. You need to act now.

ItsSpittingEverybodyIn · 22/06/2020 20:50

As another pp said could he have read this thread? Especially since you gave him your old kindle, would that have you email in it?

sadie9 · 23/06/2020 10:20

Have you heard of the Who's In Charge programme?

sadie9 · 23/06/2020 10:22

www.whosincharge.co.uk

Dumbledorker · 23/06/2020 11:00

@sadie9

Have you heard of the Who's In Charge programme?
This is what I'm doing now with the hubworker although after reading the website ive not realised what it actually was or what the point in it was until now. Reading the website has enlightened me to it alot more !

So yesterday seemed OK. He played in the garden most of the day with my washing line pole which he likes to spin around constantly doing some kind of ninja pretend play. He stands pretty much on the same spot then twirls it like a baton but in a more ninja way and makes noises as if he is fighting.... he does this like alllllll the time if he isn't on his ps4.

Last night we went to bed about 11 and he sneaked down stairs and went on my ps4 because I heard him come up at 3am and when ive been down stairs this morning his headset is plugged into my controller.

OP posts:
Dumbledorker · 23/06/2020 11:01

No i very very much doubt he will find this thread.

OP posts:
willloman · 23/06/2020 11:22

Children do change. See if you can get some professional advice on how you can de-escalate situations. Going head to head does not help your relationship. You need to get ahead of his behaviour rather than being reactive. CBT worked well for us. It is useful to have some practical solutions in place. As I'm sure you are well aware this is not just a case of a 'naughty' child who doesn't want to listen to you. The usual punishment/reward system will have limited effect.

AIMD · 23/06/2020 19:47

Sorry I can’t remember what has been suggested already but has he been assessed for sensory needs. Swinging around the pole a lot sounds like sensory Seeking behaviour. I wonder if the PS4 is really over stimulating for him to handle.

Sounds like you’ll have to move your PS4.

Dumbledorker · 24/06/2020 10:20

Last night I ended up going for a drive to get away from him and drove towards the coast. Its about an hour there. But i took a wrong turn and got lost so it took me ages to get home and didnt get back until midnight. Today the girls have come home from their dads and within 20minutes he has started. Hes no left the house hes gone with his bag ive no idea where but I've locked the doors..im completely and utterly done I cant do it anymore. Ive rung social services to tell them I've locked him out and I wont be letting him back in to protect my girls. My youngest who is 6 next week told him to stop arguing and he told her to fuck off. He also told her that hes going to break the tortoise table that she will keep her new tortoises in that she gets for her birthday. Im at a loss I don't know what to do other than keep him locked out. I want to drive some where so that if he comes back I won't be in anywhere so can't get done for locking him out. Im so scared I will have the girls taken away i feel like I'm have a nervous breakdown i don't know what to do anymore

OP posts:
PutYourBackIntoit · 24/06/2020 11:30

Oh @Dumbledorker Flowers

Does he have a phone with him with tracking, so you can see where he is?

Where abouts in the country are you? If you're in the south west we have an empty holiday house you're welcome to use if that would help at all?
I'm so sorry, I don't have any real advice but if you want to PM me please do! I've been through similar behaviours with my DD, she runs away a lot but so far only ever gets to the end of the road.
Lots of love.

Dumbledorker · 24/06/2020 11:52

He soon came back and the door was open as the girls were playing outside. Still waiting on social care to ring me back. Hes now following me around every room I go in talking and talking going on and on giving me a constant repetitive lecture about how shit I am and he wont leave me alone. Ive literally just finished a phone call appointment with my neurologist who says the stress will only hinder my condition..
I feel at breaking point. I feel like if I hit him then they will take away all 3 kids but at least the girls will be safe at their dads but i will be free of him. Im so so so done

OP posts:
Turtletotem · 24/06/2020 12:24

Please do not buy tortoises while your son is like this. If he handles them badly they will die. I hope you get things sorted out and get the support you need. Can you pinpoint when it first started?

WeakandWobbly · 24/06/2020 12:26

Definitely keep contacting the police and camhs. Flowers

RootedParenting · 24/06/2020 12:45

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ukgift2016 · 24/06/2020 12:56

Phone the police, keep phoning social care. Tell them you do NOT want him staying in your house. He is a threat to you, your daughter and the animals in the house.

Tell the police, social care if they don't come-he will be on the street homeless. They have a duty of care. Sorry it's go to this point OP but you do have to push the professionals to get help.

ScabbyHorse · 24/06/2020 12:58

If you are in the UK... Is he year 9 or year 10? Does he have a social worker? If so then he should be able to be in school at the moment.