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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

I cant do it anymore. DS14 is destroying me

233 replies

Dumbledorker · 20/06/2020 01:59

I cant even find the words to write how bad it is. Im scared this is relentless and there is no way out of this ongoing hell with him. How do you deal with feeling like you have a sociopathic child who will never change only get worse. Im so scared I will lose him either through him eventually taking his own life because he feels so hated and alone or that in the future I will have to cut ties with him because of how he is. I hate writing this about my own son. He is the sweetest kid at times but when everyone is gone and its just me and him then its different. Its when he cant have his own way he doesnt react like a normal moody teenager its just nasty, physiological abuse.. he will stand for sometimes hours giving me a speech that seems like its out of a play like an actor would talk like... he will sit in my bedroom while I try to sleep until I give in and give him his WiFi privileges or PlayStation. I used to have to just give in so I felt safe but because ive reached out for help in the last few months I've started to regain control and be consistent so things can go on all night and I won't give in to his demands. Tonight its bedtime at 11 as its the weekend. This has led to him refusing and sitting laughing at me in the living room so I gave him a warning and said he has to go to bed or his priviliges (WiFi and ps4) will be taken tomorrow.. he says I have no control and im a shit mum. So I go upstairs and take the console and from there hes tried take it back and then took the hdmi cable out of the back of the TV so I cant watch it when hes in bed. Ive tried to get the cable back and hes dramatically fallen and said ive physically abused him so ive taken the ps4 to the neighbours who is my friend and helps me. I came back and he has locked me out with my little girls still in the house, he picked up a knife gesturing that he's going to kill himself ive rung 999. They have come out and told him he needs to follow my rules under my roof and listen to me. Theyve asked me to keep an eye on him through the night..they referred back to SS again although we are already under the local family hub for support and camhs who have said its behavioural not mental health. He told the officers hes out the knife back and was upset. This is the 3rd time they've come out in 2 weeks. Hes since been downstairs a million times telling me I am no mum to him anymore and he's done with me. He scares his sisters when he's like this i can't have them watching all this anymore. Ive tried so much to help him but im exhausted and broken. I cant possibly write everything that is happening i just need to know if anyone else is like this or if it gets better. Its hell .

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 24/06/2020 13:18

Could have told you the nicely nicely him was all an act. OP, he is in perfect control of how he is behaving and don't let him convince you otherwise. You are very lucky he just snuck down to play the ps4 and not to get a knife from the kitchen to stab you with.

You need to protect your girls. He needs to go into care, permanently. Yes it's awful but you can't keep beating yourself wondering what you could have done to bring this on. Chances are it's just genetic.

But if your daughters see abuse like this in the home they may grow up to tolerate similar abuses from people in their lives. Such as their partners. You are their female role model so you have to show that when people are a danger to you and your children you walk away. No matter how hard.
That, and protecting them now, you do have a responsibility to do.

missrks · 24/06/2020 13:24

OP 💐 I can't offer any advice but I'm so sorry you're going through all this. God knows where you've found the strength. There is a residential school near me in Scotland for boys that have troubles like this. Could social services not arrange something like this for him?

Bunnymumy · 24/06/2020 13:24

Ps: it sounds a lot like npd (or bpd even). Especially the constant berating, not giving you a chance to think straight. Kids can't be diagnosed with it but they can certainly bloody well have it.

Not to say they cant have other things going on too of course.

mathanxiety · 24/06/2020 20:46

@RootedParenting, if you are interested in helping the OP, how about telling her how to do rooted parenting, instead of flogging your September course on her thread.

Hmm
mathanxiety · 24/06/2020 20:50

@ScabbyHorse

Hes refused point blank to go to school the last 12 months so I took him out in February and deregistered him as he was excited for homeschooling and I got everything in place and joined all the fb groups for help on fb. Bought a new laptop so it wouldn't lag and cause him stress.

mathanxiety · 24/06/2020 20:55

childmind.org/guide/guide-to-conduct-disorder/
A child is diagnosed with CD if he exhibits a callous disregard for others and a sustained pattern of behaviors that fit into these general categories: aggression against people and animals, destruction of property, deceitfulness and theft, and serious violations of rules. A professional will talk with parents, teachers and other adults involved in his life to rule out other possible causes.

I think it sounds like conduct disorder, possibly along with npd and bpd. No reason not to have them all coexisting.

@Dumbledorker, you absolutely need to get DS to a private psychologist and have him assessed for a laundry list of disorders and mental illnesses, along with AHD, ADHD, ASD, various expressions of autism.

RootedParenting · 24/06/2020 22:33

It's not as simple as that. We are looking at underlying issues.

CorianderLord · 24/06/2020 23:47

I'd lock the knives and scissors away except for when you are cooking for one

Namenic · 25/06/2020 01:11

I don’t have professional experience with this, but a relative was a bit like this. It was controllable though because in public it was generally less bad (though with some outbursts). Over many years after him moving out, working in a few jobs, it is better. Perhaps the work place would be beneficial so that he can learn to be civil to people so he can get the stuff he likes???

Namenic · 25/06/2020 01:41

We were scared he would get into drug dealing, so tried to not just cut all support but help with rent and a limited phone contract. It took many years and him moving around to settle a bit more.

ThighThighofthigh · 25/06/2020 01:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThighThighofthigh · 25/06/2020 02:16

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alexdgr8 · 25/06/2020 03:38

hurting animals is very worrying.
apparently nearly all serial killers/ sadists/ rapists begin like this.
some people just seem to have something missing. no moral sense. no empathy.

the priority must be to protect the girls. for their own sake, and yours, else they may resent you and go NC later, and even for his sake, before he does something really seriously violent.
obviously i don't know what is wrong with him. but something is, seriously so. i don't see how you can continue to have him in the house. and please don't bring any pets in. imagine how traumatised your girls would feel if he deliberately hurt them.
it's a form of terrorism. he is dominating you all by terrorising you.
could you contact your local councillor. cast your net wide.
do you have a local advocacy service. try your GP again, for you and the girls, tell them you are all terrified. tell them he stood on the child's back. and hurt the dog. what about parentline. what about an independent social worker, but expensive, to produce a report.

mathanxiety · 25/06/2020 07:00

It's not as simple as that. We are looking at underlying issues.

Well September would be rather late in the day to start a course that might or might not be helpful, wouldn't it?

ChavvySexPond · 25/06/2020 07:12

OP Has anyone suggested Domestic Abuse charities as a pathway to help? I'm surprised the police left him in the house after the knife incident.

I'm so sorry OP, this is no way to live. For any of you.

AIMD · 25/06/2020 08:19

@mathanxiety I agree - something needs to happen now. Any course, on its own, is not sufficient. In my experience by the time a situation has progressed to this point there need to be a range of interventions based on thorough assessment of his needs and the risks to make any difference at all. He seems to have settled into a very difficult pattern of behaviour and sounds like he has the potential to really hurt his mum or sisters. I think any parent would struggle to manage this on their own!

choli · 26/06/2020 00:12

OP I hope you are OK and safe

Dumbledorker · 26/06/2020 08:23

Hi sorry for not updating and yes I'm safe Smile

Well I'm not sure what to think at the moment..yesterday was literally such a perfect day. He listened to everything I asked of him, he was incredible with his sisters... he's been sat with my 10 year old dd playing on Sims 4 on my ps4 and anytime that he's been asked to come off it he has done with no complaining at all. He's never bothered with it before as he has always been on his fortnight or grand theft auto or other games he has but he knows full well now that he just will not at all be getting his ps4 back whatsoever and its like he's come to peace with it and stopped nagging. He's asking me nicely when can he have his WiFi, if he can have some ice cream etc... I finally have provision for him for school too ! He will be going Monday Tuesdays ! I'm so happy haha and he's actually happy too and looking forward to it. Its just so strange.
I spoke to him a little bit about if he's noticed a change in us... he says he's just given up and can't be bothered anymore . Basically he has stopped fighting and has come to accept that I'm in charge... its honestly so strange .. there is just nothing there at all to suggest he was the way he was last week.... I've actually enjoyed his company and actually wanted to tell him that I love him and felt it too where as I thought all that had gone...
I'm not daft though and still have my guard up and I still want to access all the help I can as I know how quickly he can turn.
His school have referred to SS with my permission as have the hub worker too so its finally at social services level and I have one coming out with the hub worker today at 9.30. Its the same social worker that was involved last year for an incident with the girls at their dads house with one of their stepsiblings , nothing to do at all with my ds but still she knows us as a family which helps. I just honestly can't believe the difference in him... Hmm

OP posts:
EmmaGrundyForPM · 26/06/2020 08:36

So glad to hear this.

QualityFeet · 26/06/2020 08:44

I have had black eyes and had to hide knives from mine and now he is better he is really better. Actually he is amazing and always was in between the blow ups. The blow ups were often frequent and were awful. He has become better able to manage himself. I have become better able to manage him. Many posters here have suggested that he will only get worse or become more dangerous but there are other endings with a much happier outcome.

WhatTheWay · 26/06/2020 08:48

That's a good update. 💐

sadie9 · 26/06/2020 14:31

Who was in the house while you drove away and got lost for hours?
Did you let him know where you were?

AIMD · 26/06/2020 17:00

Glad it has been better. Fingers crossed it continues for you all. Xx

Lovebug06 · 26/06/2020 17:33

Glad your okay op

BobbyTheVetIsMyHero · 26/06/2020 20:13

Behavioural specialist here. Really pissed me off to see that cahms have said 'it's behavioural not mental health'- I hear this a lot. Behaviour does not exist in a vacuum, it is affected by many things and is closely linked to mental health, especially with ASC thrown into the mix. Keep pushing SS to find the support that's right for him, and push for those diagnostic assessments. If you haven't already, try looking at

Stay strong OP. You wouldn't be posting if you didn't love him and want the best for him, and that tells me you're a great mother

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