DD (15) can't keep her hands to herself

[Sarissima]

DD is 15 (16 in summer - Year 11).

I think this might take a lot of careful unscrambling, but am posting to see if anyone has any ideas which might help.

XH and I separated four years ago (due to his failure to curb his anger) and are now on amicable terms. DD and DS (17) come and go between our houses as they choose, at their request. I have got some major financial/job problems, but everything else is pretty stable now, and has been for some time.

About three years ago, though, DD started taking things from us both. Mostly trivial stuff - my decent anti-ageing cream (confused), shampoo, conditioner, chocolate. But also money (she took a very large amount from XH). And even when it's just trivial stuff, the cumulative effect is horrible (I go to get my hand cream - and it isn't there. I go to put my socks on - and they've gone. Etc). We have both spoken to her about it, repeatedly - to no avail. She simply goes into my room and helps herself to whatever she wants. Clothes, underwear (and we are four dress sizes apart) - you name it, she helps herself to it. I found one item of clothing in her bedroom, cut up (I was upset about this, as it was a present from my mum). I asked her why on earth she did it, and she said she tried it on and couldn't get it off again, so had to cut herself out of it.

I put a Yale lock on my bedroom door, but she found the key (she must have launched a sodding forensic search of the house) and had one cut for herself.

I feel as if my world is gradually shrinking as I daren't leave her in the house on her own. If I do, something is invariably missing when I get back. XH says the same. I bought something minor for DS the other day. She asked who it was for, and I said it was for him. When I went back in the kitchen, she had taken it.

I have absolutely no idea how to deal with this. I feel very cross with her. But I also feel very hurt, and frightened that she can't see why it's wrong to take things that belong to other people. She just laughs and shrugs and tells me to chill out. Is she right?

I have no idea if it's divorce-related, or if it's related in some way to her having had to suffer XH being an angry twunt for such a long time, or if I'm just being feeble (though she's always saying I'm too strict). She has a small allowance, because that's what I can afford to give her - though she is permanently angry with me about that, because all her friends have far more (this is true). That said, she is far more privileged than other people we know.

Has anyone else had this, and how did they deal with it?

I'm probably going to get hung with this comment, but she's of an age where she is criminally responsible, I'd call the police and report her for theft. You have tried preventions and deterrents but they seemed sadly not to have worked. You have done your best.
If she's doing it at home, is she doing it elsewhere would be my worry.

Is she 4dress sizes bigger or are you?

My DD is exactly the same. Everything I buy that is even remotely nice, she helps herself. Even basic stuff like tights, she'll take all of mine and then deny it. I can't leave anything lying around at all. She also used to take money but that has stopped, thankfully. Now it's things like nice bubble bath that was bought for me as a present, or a nice candle. And allllll the food I like- she helps herself when I'm at work. I'm also a single parent and I've tried buying her things specifically for her that are nice but within budget, and she still steals. It feels like sharing a flat with a bad student flatmate.
Nothing is safe! She was recently diagnosed with ASD so I don't know if that's making it harder to get through to her, or she's just totally fucking selfish. She's a very bright kid and she knows what she's doing. I think She just doesn't care. And I've had the cutting up clothes of mine too! It was trendy to crop everything at one point and she cut several of my tops. No clue what to suggest, just sympathy x

I have thought that, gincaketeathatisme. I am as sure as I can be that she's not doing it anywhere else. It seems that it's in some way connected with her relationship with XH and me (she has said a couple of times that we "owe her" for "ruining her life").

Euphorbia, she is the bigger one (also a foot taller than me - entirely takes after her father in build).

Time to stop her allowance and make her get a job.

Clearly she has no respect for you or boundaries or other peoples possessions.

Oh God, your post says what mine would have said, if I hadn't written too much, surlycurly. As you say - it's the way she takes things that she knows are 'special' (I don't buy nice things for myself, but sometimes receive them for Christmas etc. I'm always delighted, look forward to using them etc - then find they have already been used up...) Then just shrugs. I have wondered whether she has some ASD traits (not impossible: DS was diagnosed when he was 7, and XH is, I think, undiagnosed). But I don't want to rush to stick a label on her - or to use it as an explanation for what might 'just' be very bad and selfish behaviour.

The food and clothes I could let go of, but the money is concerning. It's also concerning that she wants to take clothes that are too small for her and then damage them. Suggests that there could be an underlying cause vs just normal overstepping boundaries. Have you considered therapy to perhaps address the divorce and anger that she experienced in the home?

Firstly, change your lock on your room and keep the key with you at all times. Give DS a lock on his room and a key with the same instructions.

She won't just stop doing this. Why would she? I think it is quite scary actually. My cousin's son did exactly this at about the same age - ended up with him selling his parents' jewellery, spending on a credit card etc.
There was no talking to him. He was selling some of the stuff and he became aggressive when his parents were trying to talk to him about it. Anyway, he would not stop, did not think it was serious, would not accept help and it really escalated.

Your daughter might be different but I think she is exerting some control over you and her father by showing you she can and will do this, whatever you say or feel. It must be a scary/intimidating feeling to have someone living in your house who just does this. She needs some help. It isn't a trivial thing. Yes teenagers might use some body stuff or bath stuff of borrow a T-shirt but this is deliberate theft and I have a feeling she is doing it to provoke.

Is there anyone she listens to - an aunt or grandparent who might spend a bit of time with her and might get through to her?

Cabbage, she did have a summer job (not possible during her school term), and liked having some money. It will be a bit easier for her to get another one once she's 16. I tried removing her allowance, but that just made her feel even more hard done by, and led to her taking money from my bag (which I now don't let out of my sight - though I shouldn't have to sleep with my sodding handbag!)

She’s possibly taking ‘things’ because she’s desperately craving something she can’t identify. But no one can really know until she’s explained how she feels about what’s happening for her in her life.

Whatever the reason you won’t solve it by punishing her, that would be extraordinarily damaging.

She needs some help. Start with the GP.

Lulu, you express exactly what I'm most afraid of. I have lived with feeling intimidated and scared in my own house before (with XH), and I feel as if I'm slithering back into that again now. I know all teenagers can be exasperating (DS is a master of being exasperating), but this feels like more than that, and far worse.

I might ask my mum what she thinks, once I have steeled myself for a lecture on why it's all my fault!!

I'll try to think if there's anyone else. She gets on very well with one of the neighbours (a younger woman with a baby), so might be more receptive to her - though she's be furious with me for telling anyone.

Sigh.

I'm going to bed now as I've been working since 7AM, but will look at this again tomorrow. Thanks for all your comments thus far!

It is a mental health condition.

Kleptomania

Seek help from the GP

Interesting that there are ASD diagnoses in your family too. I'm also Aspergers and think my some is. I'm more exasperated and angry than scared. I feel violated. Nothing is sacred. My XH plundered through all of my mail/ emails/ texts etc when we split up and I felt I had no privacy. This feels a bit the same , that she's raking through my things when I'm not here. It makes me furious.

Herocomplex I agree, counselling asap, family counseling too if possible.

I wonder if she is envious of your smaller size.
I don't see why you shouldn't tell people. As long as it is your shameful family secret she has power over you I would say. If it is opened up as a family problem, rather than just her, it will be easier to solve. Perhaps warn her that you are going to speak to the GP, possibly school, friends.
I can see she wants revenge for the upset your separation caused her but this is affecting your DS too, even though he isn't having things stolen he is living with a stressed DM and angry DF.

I would also change the lock and then be more careful with the key. How did she explain herself about getting a key cut for your bedroom?

Then, I agree with Euphorbia- blow this wide open. Take her to the GP. Meet with her Head of Year. Tell your mum and your neighbour. Let your DD know you are making a note of everything she takes so you can discussing it with people who will be helping her.

Don't report her to the police as another poster suggested!

I think you should seek counselling for her to start with

My 14yr old is the same. She takes so much of my stuff. Always random things too but she will always deny it which is horrible. I have a safe but it's a pain having to use it just to use my things. :(

Kleptomania - she needs to see a psychologist. It may also be a good idea for you to see one too, to get support on how to deal with her behavior. As someone else said, lock your room and keep the key on you.
No you shouldn't "chill out". It is serious and unlikely something she will just grow out of. Just because you're her mother doesn't make it in any way more acceptable to steal from you. It's not just simply borrowing the odd thing, which would be more normal albeit still annoying.
If she continues like this through to her adult life she could end up in trouble with the law. Get her mental health help now and also for yourself.

It sounds like she is jealous of you to me .If you are several dress sizes smaller and have lots of nice clothes ,she seems to want several pieces of that. I would be inclined to see the GP first and ask for some sort of help.Can you take her out somewhere for the day? Just to explain how upset this is making you . I think this is a psychological issue and she is taking things to make herself feel better.I wouldnt involve the neighbour as she gets on well with her and she may feel embarrassed and very upset with you!

It sounds a horribly stressful situation @SarissimaIs. Is she selling / giving away the things she takes of just keeping / using for herself?

🌺for you.

I seriously don't know what the answer is. Is there actually one? I don't see the police as resulting in the change you would like.

Kleptomania- read about it. She needs professional help.

I agree with bringing it out into the open. Go to your GP, on your own if she won’t come. You will feel better if you aren’t fighting this on your own.
I hope you get through this.

My sister was like this at home. She then became an excellent shoplifter. So good,. In fact, that she was never caught.

She's now in her forties but the sad thing is I just don't trust her with anything at all.

My parents should have kicked her ass and they failed. Don't let this go unpunished