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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Boys staying over - when?

131 replies

Gellert · 07/10/2018 21:45

DD is 16, as is boyfriend. Very new relationship but as he lives some distance away it means that someone has to drive him home or they don't spend an evening together - 2 busses otherwise.
Considering letting him stay over when they are both ready, my thinking being if they are going to have sex then they will regardless.
Have obviously had safe sex talk with DD and boyfriend is very open with us and said they don't want to rush into things.
Am I irresponsible or sending the wrong message if I let him stay over? I can see this cropping up in half term.

OP posts:
errorofjudgement · 07/10/2018 21:49

How about staying over but sleeping elsewhere in the house, eg sitting room if no spare room?

HurricaneFloss · 07/10/2018 21:49

I'd be letting boyfriend get the 2 buses home for the foreseeable future.

Harrykanesrightsock · 07/10/2018 21:53

My rule was 18 years old and 3 month relationship. This boyfriend could last 6 weeks then another one pops up soon after.

BackforGood · 07/10/2018 21:55

I would be taking him home or asking his parents to fetch him or - at a push - letting him sleep on the living room floor (unless you have a ds he can share a room with)

Original poster
Gellert · 07/10/2018 22:08

Thanks all, its really interesting to get different and opposing views as I'm very relaxed about this and think that if they're going to have sex they will, regardless of it being day or night. I think it comes from my parents being relaxed when I was similar age and despite that I only actually had one boyfriend stay over - DH.
He could stay on sofa bed downstairs but I'm sure that DD would creep down to be with him!

OP posts:
ashvivienne · 07/10/2018 22:08

Similar to above we have a 3 month rule DD2s bf stays over regularly they’ve been seeing each other for roughly 8 months.

MintyJones · 07/10/2018 22:17

It'd be an absolute no from me. I'd tell her to come and talk to me about it when she's 18 and in a settled relationship (if that's the case) . I'd also be discouraging of sex too - although I appreciate you can't stop this!

My DD is 20 and in her 2nd year of Uni. She has a boyfriend of about 6 months. When she's at home, say like the summer holidays when she was back for three months, he stayed over maybe 3 times. He only lives round the corner himself when he's back from uni so I wasn't about to let him practically move in and my DD accepts that. She always asks beforehand too

Works in this house. They're my rules and they won't be changing

HurricaneFloss · 07/10/2018 22:21

OP - is this your DD's first boyfriend?

They will have sex if they want but you seem to be pre-empting it rather than just letting them get on with it the way teenagers do i.e. without consulting parents and being given their blessing.

And I don't see why a 16 year old lad can't get 2 buses home.

Ploppymoodypants · 07/10/2018 22:37

Oh I would definitely let him stay. My parents didn’t allow it, and to be honest it was a massive factor in me getting a job and moving out of home ASAP the second I finished my alevels. Would have been much much better if they had allowed him to stay over once or twice a week and let it run it’s natural course.
I appreciate 16 is still young but it’s over the age of consent.
All this ‘not under my roof’ stuff is archaic surely.
Especially for older teens. No way would I have gone to work at 18, paid rent and then had it dictated to me that I can’t have my boyfriend stay over.
If you want teenagers to behave like adults then treat them as such.
I am Not saying let her have boys stay over willy nilly, but I think you are taking the right approach. Thinking about your approach before the question arises is simply good planning, and sounds like you have had some sensible conversations with your DD. And that she is informed. Just lay down some ground rules, such as only 2 nights a week (or what ever suits) and that you must be asked, it not assumed, and that if it’s not convenient they must understand if you say ‘not tonight’. Also they must be respectful about noise and things. Basic good manners essentially.
They need to learn how to negotiate their relationship in a safe space.

pumpkinpie01 · 07/10/2018 22:48

If it’s a very new relationship ie - less than 2 months I wouldn’t tbh I would wait until they have been together 6 months. What if they finish and she is seeing someone else by Xmas she would then expect him to be able to stay over. Couldn’t you take him half way and one of his parents meet you ?

MintyJones · 07/10/2018 22:55

I'm perfectly happy being archaic I think! I also wouldn't have my teenager dictate to me in my own home - rent paying or not

You're their parent, not their mate. Anyway, what I do works for us - my kids think I'm an easy going parent which I am. I've just always said no to date type sleep overs and I'll continue to do so

MintyJones · 07/10/2018 22:57

@Ploppymoodypants

' Especially for older teens. No way would I have gone to work at 18, paid rent and then had it dictated to me that I can’t have my boyfriend stay over. '

The above is quite funny. Older teens living at home with mum and dad don't get to run the show you know.

Ploppymoodypants · 07/10/2018 23:03

No I agree they don’t. They have the option to get a job and move out and pay their own way. Which is exactly what I did!
Straight into the flat of my boyfriend. Probably would have been better if mum and dad had let him stay over a couple times a week and let it all fizzle out. But hey, I was an adult and made my own decisions.

BackforGood · 07/10/2018 23:11

There's a BIG difference between an 18 yr old and a 16 yr old though Ploppy

Sethis · 07/10/2018 23:12

boyfriend is very open with us and said they don't want to rush into things.

Holy crap, you found a sensible teenage boy. Amazing!

Sounds like you're doing everything you need to. They're both legal. Teens have sex. You've ensued that at least they're communicating about what they both want, they're using protection, and when it does happen, neither of them are going to be shit-faced at a party or something.

I'd say your approach is far more realistic and sensible than someone screaming at their daughter that sex is a terrible thing that you should avoid for as long as possible, and then ideally only do it with someone you're going to marry. Sex is fun, and better to get all the safe, caring, sober practice that you can so long as they're both happy with it.

Sundance2741 · 07/10/2018 23:16

Not experienced this yet as a parent but a many years back I had two older friends with 16/17 year olds. One family said no way, no how. Their daughter ended up moving in with what they considered to be an unsuitable boyfriend and they hardly saw her for many years. The other family talked to the parents of their 16 yo son's girlfround and agreed she could stay over. They continued to have a good relationship with him and he lived at home for many years (not that I'm advocating that necessarily! ). I decided then the approach I would take.....

Ploppymoodypants · 07/10/2018 23:21

OP - looks like it’s a personal decision with no set right or wrong.

If you are comfortable with it, I would say let it happen.

If you don’t want to, that’s fine, it’s your house. But perhaps examine exactly what the issue is, and try to see why you feel that way.

How do the boyfriends parents feel? How would you feel if DD stayed at boyfriends house 2 nights a week.

Those who don’t allow sleepovers, would you allow your child to sleep over at the boyfriends/girlsfriends house if their parents allowed it?

MintyJones · 07/10/2018 23:24

No I wouldn't allow my 16 year old to stay at her new boyfriends house overnight.

Honestly, there's nothing wrong with actually putting your foot down over issues that matter. You don't have to be the cool parent. Too much 'mates' style parenting leads to really shit and weak boundaries

I do allow my 20 year olds boyfriend to stay from time to time. At 16? Forget it

MintyJones · 07/10/2018 23:27

I've always been clear with my dd and really firm on it. Our relationship is good. It does not follow that a parent doing a spot of decent boundary setting parenting means that the 16 year old will flounce off and move out

MintyJones · 07/10/2018 23:30

@Sethis

...... I'd say your approach is far more realistic and sensible than someone screaming at their daughter that sex is a terrible thing that you should avoid for as long as possible, and then ideally only do it with someone you're going to marry. Sex is fun, and better to get all the safe, caring, sober practice that you can so long as they're both happy with it.

Lol at the above. Don't supposed you've considered that there's a middle ground, no?

Ploppymoodypants · 07/10/2018 23:33

I am sooo not a cool ‘mates’ type parent. Not at all. DH is sniggering at the idea of me being refered to as that. I just think 16 year olds generally want to have sex and there is not much that will stop them. I think better in a safe environment in a relationship, than in the park, drunk on white lightening 😊 (appreciate there is a middle round).

Plus I know parents dont want to think about it, but actually lots (well nearly all) of the sex I had at 16/17 was really loving and enjoyable and allowed me freedom to understand what I liked etc, and taught me how to say ‘no’ don’t want to do that.
So, Whilst I don’t want to encourage my children I have sex too soon, I do want them to have enjoyable, sex lives where they feel in control of the situation and their own boundaries, when they feel ready.

Agree there is a difference between 16 and 18. Doesn’t feel like it when you are 16 though.

mathanxiety · 07/10/2018 23:37

What's wrong with the 'two buses' solution to his problem?

You go out somewhere, you need to figure out how you are going to get home, not impose on another family.

If you are not mature enough to make plans to get yourself home then you are not mature enough to be considering a sexual relationship.

Sethis · 07/10/2018 23:40

You do you @MintyJones

If you think you're doing the right thing for your kid, then go for it. However the tone of your posts doesn't seem to indicate you're much of one for "middle ground".

  • It'd be an absolute no from me.
  • I'd also be discouraging of sex too
  • They're my rules and they won't be changing
  • I also wouldn't have my teenager dictate to me in my own home
  • There's nothing wrong with actually putting your foot down over issues that matter.

Whatever works for you.

Ploppymoodypants · 07/10/2018 23:48

Mathanxiety - seems a simple solution I agree with you. But if I am completely honest I guess I would rather my 16 year old DD was at home safe (even if that means having sex with her boyfriend 😱), than catching 2 buses in the dark, waiting around etc. Obviously fine in the daytime, but not so keen late at night if they have met up after college or what not. As an adult wouldn’t fancy it at all. Although we live very rurally so would mean being in scary city centre in dark where the bus station is habitat to herion addicts, drunks and homeless people, and then a bus to a dark rural lane and a walk home in dark.
And perhaps parents of 16 year old DS don’t fancy it for their son either.
Only solution is for them to both save like mad and pass their driving test on their 17th birthdays 😁

bellsbuss · 07/10/2018 23:52

We allowed it from age 16, DD1 had been with her boyfriend a year. OH and I both agreed that we would rather know that she was at home safe than roaming the streets. She didn't actually sleep with him until 6 months after we allowed him to stay, she's very open with me and told me when she was going to the doctors for contraception. I had a very very strict upbringing and couldn't tell my parents anything and ended up having to tell them all sorts of lies, I never wanted this for my own children. You have to be realistic in that they are going to have sex whether it be under your roof or not.