Boys staying over - when?

[Gellert]

DD is 16, as is boyfriend. Very new relationship but as he lives some distance away it means that someone has to drive him home or they don't spend an evening together - 2 busses otherwise.
Considering letting him stay over when they are both ready, my thinking being if they are going to have sex then they will regardless.
Have obviously had safe sex talk with DD and boyfriend is very open with us and said they don't want to rush into things.
Am I irresponsible or sending the wrong message if I let him stay over? I can see this cropping up in half term.

It is a new relationship because they kept things on a friendship level first before jumping into a relationship and he gets on really well with the rest of us.

This is pretty much my only criteria when it comes to letting someone near my offspring. If he has a good vibe with the family and your DD is happy to be with him then I can't think of a reason they shouldn't have fun together at their own pace in the (safe, secure, drug-free) bedroom, apart from "Because I say so", which starts getting pretty flimsy as an excuse when your kid is well into becoming an adult.

Excellent post Sethis

My kids aren't old enough yet, but I think I stand by my mum's rule which is if it's legal, and they're likely to be doing it, far safer under your own roof. My brother's girlfriend (who is now his wife!) started staying over from just before she was 17 and they'd been together for over 6 months.

I guess it might be guest bed time for the first few months, yes, but if it's legal you might as well bite the bullet.

The concern about the BF waiting for buses is at odds with the idea that he and DD could possibly embark on a sexual dimension to their relationship.

Unless the town where he will catch the second bus is some sort of hell hole, then you are treating him as a child.

Is he a child or a person ready to take on the responsibilities associated with a sexual relationship?

And while DD will be 18 next year, presumably turning 18 right at the end of the year, she is at the moment 16 and not yet even 17. There is a big difference between 16 and 18.

I've met 16yr olds who are more mature than the majority of 20yr olds. Likewise I've met 18yr olds who act 35. Or 15.

Your mileage may vary. But the OP presumably thinks her daughter is mature enough to deal with any issues arising from a relationship at the age she is.

I'd rather my parents trusted me to not screw it up, and to go to them for help (if needed) if I did screw it up, rather than treat me like a child until I left for University.

If you don't have a chance to learn sexual responsibility at home from 16-17 with easy access to parents in emergencies, you have to learn it at Uni instead, when you're 18 and there's large quantities of drunk parties going on, and your parents can be the other end of the country.

I know which I'd prefer for my kids, given the option.

I plan to emulate my DM. Took bf on holiday. If their parents were happy then twin beds were available until both parties were at university at which point she viewed us as adults and felt no responsibility to their parents. Her view was if the bfs were willing to come away and be part of the family for a week all was well. No, I didn’t meet DH until I was 24 and I had some fun beforehand with more or less sensible choice partners but my DM was always there for me and I was very open with her.

OP, what do his parents think?

Well I am 38 and I wouldn’t want to catch 2 buses in the dark including hanging around a bus station in a town/city centre. And we live in a very genteel part of the world.
Despite this however, I still manage to successfully negotiate sexual relationships.
I don’t know where OP lives but buses in rural towns and communities are nothing like the public transport in a major city like London.

I agree seethis. 100%
Don’t want my DD first interaction with sex or alcohol (or numerous other things. Even mundane such as cooking for her self etc) to be at uni, with no boundaries and surrounded by people who may not have her best interests at heart.
Much better to practice it all in a safe environment. Hardly think a sleep over once or twice a week is going to clip the wings of a bright young thing planning university in a year or so.

I am very very surprised at all these responses. Especially the ones saying 18.

If a dd is 16 and has a stable boyfriend of 2 or 3 months, surely you want them to at least have sex in a safe environment?

I'm baffled by the assumption that staying over automatically = sex. Thirty plus years ago I used to stay the night at my bf's house when I was 16/17, but sleeping on the sofabed downstairs. There's no way either of us would have remotely considered trying anything on with mum, dad & little sister all in the house! I'm absolutely certain that all three of them (probably little sister most of all) were sleeping with one ear open for any footsteps on the stairs.

"She may legally be allowed to have sex, but she is still a child."

See, I don't necessarily agree. Do you not agree with the laws on sex, re the age of consent being 16? Because I always thought it was reasonable.

No, Oblomov, I don't want my 16 yr old, a couple of months into a relationship, being given vibes that I am "expecting them" to be having sex, when they are quite sensibly still enjoying spending time with someone and getting to know them.

As it is often asked on these thread, I have 3 dc, and the youngest is now 17, so do have experience of this age group.

My parents put a double bed in my room when I turned 15 so my boyfriend could stay over. We had been together nearly a year at that point though. We still didnt actually have sex until nearly another year after that.... I was very grateful to them for allowing me to work that all through in the comfort and safety of my own home. As a result losing my virginity was a very positive and fondly remembered event... in contrast to some of the stories I heard from my friends.
So I will be trying to do the same for my daughter.

I think as long as she knows you are on her side and she is confident enough to say yes or no as she feels... and to come to you if she feels under pressure and to know that you would ask him to leave or ask him to sleep elsewhere in the house if she wanted... then I think its a positive thing to do.

If you don't have a chance to learn sexual responsibility at home from 16-17 with easy access to parents in emergencies, you have to learn it at Uni instead, when you're 18 and there's large quantities of drunk parties going on, and your parents can be the other end of the country.

This!!!

Agree with BackforGood here.
I don't want my 16 yr old, a couple of months into a relationship, being given vibes that I am "expecting them" to be having sex, when they are quite sensibly still enjoying spending time with someone and getting to know them.

And also this from Snowymountainsalways
I would be horrified a the idea of their wings being clipped at sixteen and being stuck at home with a boyfriend that has to all intents and purposes moved in even if he is there a few nights a week. It all feels too 'permanent'. It is not the sexual element that bothers me whatsoever, it is the complete loss of freedom, privacy and time to relax on her own. It is the complete lack of ambition for your child to go and do something with her life.

I hope my children will date for a long time, and take their time and not rush into anything. This would be the exact opposite of what I want for them.

@Gellert:
It is a new relationship because they kept things on a friendship level first before jumping into a relationship and he gets on really well with the rest of us.

Be very wary of putting your DD in a situation where she can't actually turn to you if difficulties arise, or might feel very awkward turning to you. The BF who is popular with other family members often gets away with lots, simply because he knows how welcome he is, while the DD is often left fretting about busting everyone's bubble about him. BFs who get all palsy walsy with mum and dad and little bro, etc. are hard for girls to talk about negatively.

Don't let her get in too deep here. Don't let the BF get a foothold in the home.

Obviously I disagree completely with this:
If you don't have a chance to learn sexual responsibility at home from 16-17 with easy access to parents in emergencies, you have to learn it at Uni instead, when you're 18 and there's large quantities of drunk parties going on, and your parents can be the other end of the country.

(My youngest DD is 17, oldest is now 28, with two others in between.)

And YY to the idea that a BF who is in a young girl's life to the extent of sleeping over at her home and getting on well with her family can be subtly controlling the girl.

It's not all sparkly unicorn poo out there.

Why does he have to even be over until late into the evening? She's 16- isn't it normal to just see each other during the day, or perhaps go to the pictures or something on a Saturday night? Jeez.

Have to say that I agree with you, mathanxiety, on this one.

I'm a veteran of teenage girls, and I was always most worried about them being facilitated into a relationship which involved intimacy and intensity during the exact period of their lives that they should be focussing on their schoolwork and their wider friendships.

Thankfully, it was never an issue, perhaps because it was clear that I didn't expect it to be. No hanging around at bus stops ensued.

I think you have put that exactly as I wanted to , BitOfFun

I think parents owe their daughters the message that there is more to life than boys. It is really, really easy for girls to be conned into thinking otherwise.

Look all around at all the dreck washing over our culture, all the messages aimed at girls. Look at all the eating disorders and the self harm. None of this happens in a vacuum.

We live in a society where teenage girls are expected to wax or shave their pubic hair and where women and girls are publicly ridiculed for sporting hair on legs or armpits. If you think any girl is immune from that kind of pressure, think again. Girls are under fire from all angles.

All because of the expectations of appearance and behaviour and availability that arose from porn. Girls need to know explicitly from those who love them that there is much more to life than getting and keeping a boy or a man, and that their self worth is not tied up with their sexual attractiveness.

They need to know above all that there is time.
Years and years and years lie ahead of them and there is no hurry, and no need to get in practice for sex. You can easily hone your interpersonal relationship skills, which are the skills you will really need in a relationship, in every other area of your life.

Yep, totally this.

In fact, if you buy into the 'practicing for a future sexual relationship' line wrt facilitating teen sex or expecting it to happen, then you are a long way along the road to buying into the 'sex as a performance by a woman for a man' idea that comes straight out of porn culture.

You can learn all you need about how to communicate your wants and needs and your feelings from relationships that are platonic and relationships within your family, which will always provide your basic model and foundation.

Oh man, so now wanting a young woman to be sexually safe, responsible, and have a firm grip on the mechanics and emotional issues around it before she heads off to university alone and is completely stripped of her support network is equated to "women are slaves to mens desire".

The mental backflips required for this conclusion are astonishing.

Men and women both enjoy good sex

Good sex is an important part of any relationship

Learning about what turns you on with a partner allows you to start having good sex

Having the ability to say "Yes, I like that" or "No, I don't want to do that" is a hell of a lot easier in your own house, with your parents within shouting distance, than it is in University Halls or in Nightclub toilets or at house parties, possibly with drugs or alcohol involved.

Sex is fun and very pleasurable for both parties when done correctly. By all means, tell your DD that she doesn't owe anything to the guy and shouldn't rush into things, but to say "You shouldn't have sex and you should wait as long as possible before having it" just reinforces the damaging idea that sex is shameful, dirty, and something to be afraid of, rather than revelled in.

The idea that they should focus on their schoolwork instead is just really funny to me. When, exactly, is she allowed to have sex then? I mean, she's got 3+ years of university after her A-levels, and her degree is more important that her school exams, so OBVIOUSLY she can't have sex at uni. And then when she leaves Uni and gets a job then surely she needs to focus on making her way up the career ladder. Maybe she should just have sex twice in her mid 30s only so she can conceive a couple of kids?

I'd rather my kid dropped a grade or two and was having a really positive sexual relationship education if I'm honest. That B in Geography isn't going to follow you around forever, but not being able to control a sexual encounter when you're 18 and away from home just might.

Totally agree with Sethis.
When I was 16 I WANTED to have sex with my boyfriend. Not because I thought it would make him like me more. Not because he pressured me (he didn’t I brought it up first). Not because of porn culture (hasn’t seen any it this point, no internet then) or because I felt I had to keep up with my friends. Not to rebel against my upbringing. Not because I thought that was what was expected of me. But because I was 16, really horny, fancied my boyfriend like mad and was enjoying all the other stuff we were doing and thought it would be fun. And it was. We had some great sex and he was very respectful and taught me a lot.
Agree with the sentiment, that if you try to discourage teens from sex/relationships becuse it’s distracting from school work, then it will be for A Levels and uni and a career. Where does it stop.
It is important practice at being grown up. You don’t want to be falling in love and having sex for the first time when you are mid climbing the career ladder and get all distracted and fall apart do you. Part of growing up is learning about priorities and how to not be distracted. Better a minor teenage heartbreak during your summer break after GCSE’s and learning about how boys / girls can let you down or learning how to end a relationship kindly etc, than a full blown crisis in your mid twenties the day before a big deal at work. Look at the millions of threads on here from women who have married their first love in their mid twenties, who then discover an affair or something and just can’t beleive that could happen to them! No life experience, completely blindsided. I love and trust DH completely. But would I know how to respectfully, kindly and confidently end a serious relationship if I wanted, yes, done it a few times, it’s hard and takes practice. Would I be surprised and very sad if DH left me for another women, yes, but not shocked, he is a human and it happens and I would be able to function. Would I recognise subtly abusive/controlling behaviours, I hope so.
But those skills and knowledge come with experience and practice. Not abstinence.
Perhaps if you don’t want teen girls distracted or controlled by relationships, then one night stands are the answer. I suspect not. Or do we still expect women to miss out on sex completely and let the boys have all the fun. Just putting it out there 😁

Sex done right is the most fun there is. Done wrong it can be the worst thing ever. And middle road sex is boring and a chore. Let’s teach our teen girls that sex should be the most fun ever and how to change that or stop it, if it isn’t. Rather than sex being something they bestow on a grateful boy after he has jumped through a billion hoops.
As a late teenager (think 19 not 16) I had a number of one night stands, although always with male friends I new. All of whom were very respectful, but one important note, is that I NEVER EVER felt used. Because essentially I wanted it as much as them. It was an equal partnership all beit a one off one. And any time we were doing something that wasn’t as fun for me as them, I had the confidence to say ‘can we change position’ or ‘nope don’t wanna do that’. And that confidence came from the relationship I had when I was younger. I appreciate not everyone has such positive experiences and I clearly had a nice bunch of male friends.

This is such an interesting discussion and thank you to everyone who has contributed. As a parent it’s really helpful to read other people’s thinking around their decisions and I am sure I will bear it all in mind when making these sorts of decisions.

Personally I think you are over invested in their sex life. No need to discuss them sharing a room until your daughter actually asks you. For me if they are still in school it is a no.