Boys staying over - when?

[Gellert]

DD is 16, as is boyfriend. Very new relationship but as he lives some distance away it means that someone has to drive him home or they don't spend an evening together - 2 busses otherwise.
Considering letting him stay over when they are both ready, my thinking being if they are going to have sex then they will regardless.
Have obviously had safe sex talk with DD and boyfriend is very open with us and said they don't want to rush into things.
Am I irresponsible or sending the wrong message if I let him stay over? I can see this cropping up in half term.

If you think you're doing the right thing for your kid, then go for it. However the tone of your posts doesn't seem to indicate you're much of one for "middle ground".

-It'd be an absolute no from me.
-I'd also be discouraging of sex too
-They're my rules and they won't be changing
-I also wouldn't have my teenager dictate to me in my own home
-There's nothing wrong with actually putting your foot down over issues that matter.

Thank you PP I needed a list of how to NOT foster a healthy supportive relationship with my child

I set up from early on that any staying over happens rarely and in the front room (which has a lovely double fold-out which is bigger than their beds) and bedroom doors are open when guests are here; however, all my kids share bedrooms and regardless of what one teen wants to do, basic manners mean everyone has to be considered and their siblings have an equal right to that space. Any negotiations on these rules would have to have all and a lot more that in mind.

As someone who got violently kicked out of a parent's house at just turned 15, I would be gobsmacked if a child of mine thought having to use the front room over considering their sibling's well-being was a good reason to move out, but I also know teens who tried leaving home because their parents wouldn't keep paying for their car issues and others who left because their parents weren't putting up with their drinking habits, as well as homes that had what seemed very archaic rules but the family remained very close throughout the teen years and beyond, so I don't think you can plan to ensure certain outcomes so set up consistent boundaries that you want for your home. We can build openness and respecting others' boundaries.

I had a whole thread about this recently, maybe do a search.
I was astounded how old-fashioned the majority view was!

@JustAnotherPoster00 but you're wrong. Totally. I have really good relationships with both my kids. I'm not some old fashioned dinosaur. I just feel strongly about this particular issue - 16 year old girls having causal boyfriends stay over.

It's called being a parent and not a mate. God so boring innit when some of us choose to do that

I think it's totally wrong to just equate not letting stay over - responsible parent
Letting stay over - trying to be mate, abandoning boundaries

There are perfectly valid reasons for either decision within the framework of being a caring and responsible parent.

There's nowhere in the op that states it's a casual boyfriend by the way.

Not for me at all. At 16, yes maybe they are having sex, but why do you feel that you have to facilitate it ? Would you be comfortable knowing that your DD and a boy she didn't even know 2 months ago, were having sex int the next room ? And if / when they break up, does the next boyfriend also get sleepover privileges ?

Sounds to me that you want to be "the cool Mum" with no boundaries. Beware - you can end up with a lot of trouble by going down this path.

Avenueq I had a whole thread about this recently, maybe do a search.
I was astounded how old-fashioned the majority view was!

I don't agree that "setting a few boundaries for your teenagers" should automatically mean you are old fashioned.

Again that is saying a parent who lets a boyfriend stay over is a parent who doesn't set boundaries.
Maybe there are just different boundaries?

No right or wrong. Our thinking (bc the partners in question were lovely and could hold a conversation and would help load the breakfast things in the dishwasher in the morning rather than skull away) was fine. In each case we made it clear sleepovers would not happen for casual relationships. Op, you know when it's not casual, when there's an ease and friendliness. If this is the case let it happen. If any of them had been knuckle scrapers I wouldn't have let it happen. But they were all lovely additions to the family - albeit temporary as it turned out!

No I would not be inviting my 16 year old's boyfriend to stay over night. She may legally be allowed to have sex, but she is still a child.
Boundaries in early relationships are important.

Speak to his parents about the journey home and come to some arrangement with them.

AvenueQ - I agree with what you say. Re
Staying over - irresponsible/trying to be mate
Not allowing - response parent

I certainly do have boundaries. It’s such a shame that sex is seen as ‘boys privilages’ Or compared to parents not putting up with I reasonable drinking or behaviour etc.
As an adult I would hope for my DD that they view sex as fun, enjoyable and as important to them as to a a man. It’s part of being an adult and it’s a lot of fun when done properly. Why wouldn’t I want her to learn that in a safe environment.
Drinking safety can also be part of adult life but again teens need to learn how to do that sensibly. That’s usually starts a home at a family gathering or something doesn’t it? Obviously binge drinking and the behaviours displayed by that are a no no.
Likewise, mutually agreeable, safe sex as home - yes
Picking up random strangers and bringing them home to shag loudly in the family home - no
It’s not rocket science and there are certainly still boundaries and installing the importance of everyone being respectful of others.

Out of interests, genuinely, if you don’t allow sleep overs, where do you expect your teenagers to have sex? Because they will at some point...

This is really interesting to me, and fascinating to hear others view points and how little has changed in the last 20 years.

I must say I do remember a poster years ago, saying she didn’t allow sleepovers of boyfriends just in case in was a subtle controlling relationship and she wanted her DD to have a safe space. That totally made sense to me, which is why I would set a limit to 1 or 2 nights a week.

I also checked with younger sibling. When the older one started having sleepovers. She said 'well they're having sex anyway. And I like the gf '. In fact DD and gf are still friends lingnafter the relationship ended
I also think when they stay over they either didn't have sex or were as quiet as mice. Real passion killer staying at the parents' house.

As a family we would not be remotely comfortable with years of various different men sleeping in our house. If you agree to this one, then you may find you have to agree to them all potentially as you have set the precedent.

What is wrong with your dd dating and coming home like everyone does! If they are so keen they can save up and book a hotel.

I would not be comfortable allowing them to share a bed at sixteen, nor would I like my house looking like a washed up hostel with men sleeping on my sofas for the foreseeable future. Yuck. It is a no from me.

At 16 my boyfriend practically moved in with us. We'd been together a year at this point and tbh had sex about 2 months in anyway. Stayed together for 3 years.

I did get pregnant at 19 though, perhaps I'm not a good example

Some of the views on this thread!

My dsd started taking the pill when she was a few months off her 16th birthday. Nothing to do with me as her stepmum, but she had been with her boyfriend for over a year and they were both very sensible. He used to stay over sometimes as they lived in different villages. She was with him for a few years and now lives with her second boyfriend (is now 21).
As for OP's daughter, she is 16, sounds sensible and she knows her own mind - it's her body. As parents we can be there for support and make rules if we think they matter, but creating barriers just because of moral panic makes no sense to me.

Ps. My parents were very strict, I wasn't even allowed friends to stay over as a young child. I was having sex with my first boss at 17... in his house. I try and have a much more honest relationship with my children!

I find some of the views on here too

Ultimately a sixteen year old girl is still a child, if we were talking about an adult 18 plus you would clearly get a different response.

I am not agreement that sixteen year old is ready for what is a precursor to living together, in fact it may well become a 'living' together arrangement very quickly.

For me I would like my dds to go out and experience the world, their sexuality and especially to focus on their careers. To travel with friends and see the world.
I would be horrified a the idea of their wings being clipped at sixteen and being stuck at home with a boyfriend that has to all intents and purposes moved in even if he is there a few nights a week. It all feels too 'permanent'. It is not the sexual element that bothers me whatsoever, it is the complete loss of freedom, privacy and time to relax on her own. It is the complete lack of ambition for your child to go and do something with her life.

I hope my children will date for a long time, and take their time and not rush into anything. This would be the exact opposite of what I want for them.

I would NOT want my 16 year old DD staying the night with her Boyf in a hotel. Goodness knows the kind of hotel they could afford and what could go on!!!!
And of course unless you are v wealthy, 16 years olds won’t spend £100 on a hotel for the night, when there is a perfectly good back seat of a car, park bench, beach, etc

I totally agree with Snowy. Although it doesn't mean our DC will have the same opinion, they may want to settle down with the first person who takes an interest in them and will give zero shits about what we think.

As a mom of only 1 child who is a daughter, I do not know how i would react in a situation like this but I hope like you OP I would trust her enough and be mature enough to allow her to grow.

How is there a complete loss of freedom and time to relax when a boyfriend stays over once or twice a week!?

Agreed avenueq.

I completely agree with snowy, in that I wouldn’t want my DD (or DS) wings clipped etc, but fail to see how a sleep over once or twice a week does that.

Why would they be ‘stuck at home’ or unable to relax because boyfriend sleeps over once or twice a week?

Op is talking about a stable boyfriend situation not 'various men'. I think if the bf is a knuckle scraping lout who grunts a begrudging hello then I wouldn't want that at the breakfast table. But assuming her DD has selected a nice chap who speaks and functions as a young adult I'd say go ahead. Both my children asked nicely about partners staying over and I said yes. At 17 in both cases.
They're now 20 and 22 and have different partners but never did sleep around, and we have open honest relationships. And they chose well.
Assume the best, not the worst! X

Wow, some very differing opinions here.

I am certainly not trying to be a "cool mum" as far as I am concerned I'd rather my DD and BF be somewhere safe than experimenting elsewhere, like some of her friends have done.

There are plenty of rules/boundaries in place in our family, however, next year she will be 18 (17 next month) so I also want to respect her wishes to a degree, as long as there is no negative impact on the rest of the family.

Currently the boyfriend has to leave about 7pm to get home due to times of the buses, waiting around in the town centre 2 towns from us to get 2nd bus etc. It's not something I would feel comfortable my daughter doing any later than that, so why is it ok for him.

If they want to spend longer together on a Friday or Saturday night eg; movie & takeaway, they can't unless one set of parents can collect/take home. Not always possible if we have other plans.

It is a new relationship because they kept things on a friendship level first before jumping into a relationship and he gets on really well with the rest of us.

Hope that fills in a few of the blanks people were asking about.