Boys staying over - when?

[Gellert]

DD is 16, as is boyfriend. Very new relationship but as he lives some distance away it means that someone has to drive him home or they don't spend an evening together - 2 busses otherwise.
Considering letting him stay over when they are both ready, my thinking being if they are going to have sex then they will regardless.
Have obviously had safe sex talk with DD and boyfriend is very open with us and said they don't want to rush into things.
Am I irresponsible or sending the wrong message if I let him stay over? I can see this cropping up in half term.

I have a similar dilemma to you OP. My dd is virtually 17 and wants to stay over with her boyfriend as he too lives quite far.

She wanted to go a while back when they first got together but I made her wait till she knew him a bit better. She is spending the night at his this weekend.

Hopefully I have done a good enough job at raising her and I trust her to be sensible, she is on the contraceptive pill and she knows she needs extra protection as well.

She is entitled to a healthy relationship just like I had at her age.

I had a thread on Mumsnet a few months back where I was uncomfortable about her going on a mixed sleepover and the general consensus was I should have let her go and she will go behind my back in the future. I would much rather she was open and honest with me about where she is.

Dd is 17yo and has been in a long term relationship for nearly a year. They've been sharing a bed at weekends since a bit before her 17th birthday.

I think a big part of me feels that I wanted dd to know if she was going to have sex with him I was ok with that.

Obv she's my little girl and I prefer she never did but I'm a realist. 😀 I want her to feel she can talk to me if she wants, about contraception, etc. I've bought condoms.

Though they remain unused because she assures me they're waiting.

'Part of growing up is learning about priorities and how not to get distracted...'

Yes indeed.

So you focus a teen's attention on their education, the impact they can make on the world. You encourage academic attainment and the development of a goal in life, and you help them work put how to get there. You find opportunities to develop a really strong relationship with them and you encourage them to volunteer and help others. You help to make them the best they can be, to draw out their good qualities. You help them to realise that their self worth does not depend on having a sexual relationship with someone.

Whether your teen is a son or a daughter, you encourage them not to get distracted. This is not a case of boys having all the fun. The discussion so far has centered on girls but everything that applies to girls applies to boys.

People in their mid career years are not as likely to make rash decisions for the sake of a relationship as 16 year olds are. This is because the extra years of neurological development make a huge difference.

It's not all relationship virgins who end up with disastrous relationships. It's people whose homes of origin left them vulnerable to be preyed on and these people would also be easy pickings for controlling teens. Embarking early on sexual relationships only reinforces the dysfunctional model for many girls.

Teens these days are living in a culture that is fundamentally different from the culture anyone older than about 35 grew up with, thanks to the internet and the porn industry. All of the pressures that were there before have increased exponentially. You don't need to have personally watched porn to be affected by the assumptions and expectations it has encouraged among boys and men.

I had a pretty similar distance boyfriend at that age. He was allowed to sleep in the spare room, but that was after we'd been together for a few months etc. We weren't allowed to sleep in the same bed until we were 18.

I think that's probably what I'll implement when my time comes, too

I still don't understand why staying over for logistical reasons automatically has to imply sleeping in the same bed

And to those saying 'they can see each other all day' - that's all very well if they go to the same school / college. I"m assuming that's probably not the case here, otherwise getting to see each other wouldn't be an issue. Otherwise assume getting home from college say 5-5.30 ish, a couple of evening activities, and a Saturday job - it doesn't leave much time to meet up other than later in the evening!

Was certainly the case when I was a teenager - I used to catch the bus to where my bf lived on a Saturday evening after work, go out for the evening then stay over (on the sofa!) and go home Sunday am to get homework etc done.

@mathanxiety

So you're saying that because there are different problems for current teens than previous teens, current teens should not have sex?

As Moodypants said above, abstinence teaches nothing.

You're right. Easier access to porn has had an impact on what both boys AND girls are expected to do/look like/be like during sex. However as a responsible parent, I would try to teach my children that porn is NOT the same as sex, and to teach them to stand their ground when told otherwise. My advice would be the same to them regardless of their age, be it 16 or 36. Nobody should be copying porn as a foundation for lovemaking.

You help them to realise that their self worth does not depend on having a sexual relationship with someone.

How does telling them to avoid sex accomplish that goal?

I can tell my son that his self worth does not depend on playing football, and there are more important things in life than kicking a leather sphere around on grass. However that doesn't mean I would ever tell my son NOT to be GOOD at football, or that he shouldn't play at all. I would encourage him to be a rounded person by doing lots of different things that make him happy, including have sex with his girlfriend if they're both legal and both equally consenting.

It's people whose homes of origin left them vulnerable to be preyed on and these people would also be easy pickings for controlling teens. Embarking early on sexual relationships only reinforces the dysfunctional model for many girls.

From the sound of it, the OP's household is not resulting in a vulnerable young woman, rather a safe, loved and encouraged one with good self esteem.

You're right that damaged children can have their damage exacerbated by negative sexual relationships. However that is simply not the case here, and labelling all young people as damaged, or "at risk" or anything else doesn't help in the slightest. Would I recommend that a 16yr old drug addict sleep with her pusher for more drugs? No. Would I recommend that a 16yr old in a stable and loving romantic relationship sleep with her boyfriend? If she wants to, sure.

"Early" is also a relative term. You cannot put a number to it. How do you define "Early"? I know some 20yr olds who I wouldn't trust with a corkscrew, never mind sex. On the other hand I also know some 15yr olds who are extremely sensible and reliable, stay calm and make good decisions. An age of consent is important in a legal sense, but beyond that, you can't benchmark a human being. You can't say "Today you are not ready, but tomorrow you will be" when it comes to sex, because it's not an exam you pass or fail. It's entirely down to the individuals involved.

At the end of the day, helping your near-adult offspring make good decisions about priorities does not mean railroading them in the direction you want them to go. It's about them choosing what they want to do, and you guiding them, minimising damage, and talking about why/why not when it comes to making choices.

OP, I think you are being a lovely mum and your daughter and her boyfriend are open with you because of that. I wish my mum had been like you. Your daughter will grow up thinking sex is normal and be more likely to put her needs first than someone who is told sex is wrong at their age/not to do it and has to sneak around outside/cars etc.

As the mother of an almost 18 year old boy there is no way I would want him spending the night with a girlfriend in the same bedroom. Like others, I feel there is too much pressure on young people to have sexual relationships at a young age, I would far rather be taking a girlfriend home at night or picking my son up. Or, as has been mentioned, allowing a girlfriend to use the spare room, I am certainly not going to facilitate their sex life.

And if you allow one boy/girlfriend to stay the night what happens when that relationship ends, do you really want a succession os sexual partners staying the night? . I had a great sex life in my early twenties but never felt the need to bring people home or have sex in my parents' home, and for the record I have a great relationship with my parents.

my dd was just 17 (lower sixth) and around 3 months into her relationship.

I was slightly forced into it though as her bf's parents let them sleep together there without speaking to me!

They're still going strong a year later.

But in your twenties you probably had some other place where you could be with your boyfriend. While at school where are they meant to go?

Excellent posts MathAnxiety

@Ragwort

Why do you see sex as something inherently bad?

I would understand not facilitating drugs, or criminal activity.

Why would you not facilitate something that your son enjoys, is legal, and he learns useful skills from?

This is one of the most common discussions I had with friends when our DCs were 16 and in relationships. We all had different options and ended up with different rules!! When my DD was 16 I allowed her boyfriend to stay over (both were 16) and his parents allowed my DD to stay at theirs.
They were in a long term relationship. My DH found it more difficult to accept the arrangement as it was his little girl, but by being open and allowing it, we both feel we made the right decision.
It's your house, so it's your rules. You need to go with your gut feeling.
Good luck xx

My first boyfriend lived miles away and we used to stay at each other’s houses in the spare room (and the other in their own room!)

All parents made it clear that if there were any attempts to abuse their trust by sneaking around in the middle of the night it would be stopped, immediately and we never did.

Your DD and her boyfriend sound really sensible and decent OP, I’d go with your gut.

I wasn't expecting so many messages on this!

I have to say, I can't see I am "overinvested in their sex life" because I'm trying to listen to what they both want, make sure that everyone involved is feeling and being safe, and being able to have a discussion with them both about the boundaries I am setting in my household.

It's been really interesting to hear other people's opinions on this as they are so diverse.

As some have said, ultimately I will go with my gut feeling.

I do disagree that us liking him makes DD more vulnerable to being manipulated, I would say quite the opposite. We can happily tell him if he is being irritating and he will listen and I believe that helps DD, she knows we aren't afraid to tell him if he were out of line.

I also don't think that letting one boyfriend stay over means all boyfriends would. Everyone in the family has to be comfortable with the guy in question before it would be considered.

Right, best go and tell DD to stop studying hard and instead go be at the beck & call of her boyfriend as apparently considering him staying over will turn her into a downtrodden, meek woman I didn't feel it necessary in my OP to discuss her ambitions for the future, how much she studies and what we encourage her to want from her life as it wasn't relevant!!

I'm cringing at you discussing sex with your DD's boyfriend.

Gellert I thought your DD and her boyfriend both came across really decent, switched on and sensible in your posts fwiw.

Interesting that a lot of people seem to assume teenagers will only have sex at night in their girlfriends/boyfriend's home.
In my experience as a parent (and a former teenager) it will happen and parents are usually the last to know. Not sure what the current average age is for kids to first have sex but it is certainly not 18 within the context of a long-term relationship.
It also was not when I was a teenager in the seventies - I went to a nice middle-class grammar school and not having had sex by the time you were 16 would have been quite unusual. Most of the girls in my class were on the pill by then.
When my eldest child had his first serious relationship and I had reason to believe they had sex (used condom below child's window and frantic activity with screams of don't come upstairs mummy) we made a bargain. Child's partner was allowed to stay, my child attended family planning and I had the right to mention contraception to both of them.
I find that having the privacy to explore in a safe, warm and comfortable place is infinitely healthier than the local park or alley way.

I don’t think it’s cringeworthy discussing sex with her daughter. I’m pleased my daughter talks to me about any issues she may be having. But then I have always been open and honest with her about everything.

Everyone’s different I guess.

Sorry just seen it was her dd’s boyfriend she discussed sex with. I guess it’s good they can all be open with each other.

Why cringing hurricane. Better addressed and dealt with sensibly than made into an ‘embarrassing topic’.
One would assume it wplus be a chat with both of them about respect of the house, boundaries and contraception etc. Not a discussion about his favourite position 😉🙈😱

OP you sound like a great mum, and I think you are taking the exact right approach. Hope it all works out. I wish my parents had been as open and understanding as you.

DS was 17 and asked us 8m after relationship began. We allowed it because steady relationship, and with confirmation from her parents that they were OK about it. (Under the same circumstances we probably would have allowed it a year earlier, though not during or before exam season.) Conditional that we gave permission each time before she arrived, no "It's so late, can X stay over?". Also that they should not disturb the household if they did anything. Discretion, please, for younger siblings! Also that they ate dinner with us - we are not a hotel.

I had already talked to both of them about contraception months earlier.

"One would assume it wplus be a chat with both of them about respect of the house, boundaries and contraception etc."

Yep, exactly this!

By all means talk about sex and contraception with your daughter/son but it seems strange to discuss it with the bf.

I imagine OP's DD and BF just wanting to watch a bit of telly and wish mum would stop wanting to chat about their sex life!