Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

My 12 year old son is smoking weed

277 replies

Marie0 · 03/08/2018 17:24

Just been tidying my son's room (he's out) and found in his man bag a lighter, almost empty packet of rizlas with most if the cardboard being stripped off (presumably used for roaches) and a small empty plastic bag with a motif of a marijuana plant on.

I feel so disappointed by don't want to rant and rave at him as I think this will push him more to do this. (He's really defiant and aggressive and does what he wants anyway)

It's his 13th birthday on Monday and this is a real dampner.

Anyone got any experience of how to deal with this please?

thank you

OP posts:
TeeBee · 03/08/2018 17:32

What the actual fuck?? At 12?? And you don't want to rant and rave at him?? He does what he wants anyway?? At 12??? He's still a bloody chid.

My children don't do what the fuck they want (they are 13 and 15) because they know full well I'm in charge and there is no way on this earth I would let them get themselves into dangerous situations. At 12 he would be going nowhere at all except school from now on. He would have everything taken off him and he'd be frog-marched back to his room every time he even considered stepping a foot out of line.

12?? And he's doing what he wants now?? Fuck me, Op. You need to take control of the situation.

My eldest once started veering off the wrong path, just once (nothing any where near as bad as taking drugs) and I sat him down and gave him the bollocking of his life and told him in no uncertain terms how much I adored him, how hard he works and could ruin all of that and I shouted at him 'there is no way on this fucking earth I am going to let you screw up your life on my watch, make no mistake!'

MiniAlphaBravo · 03/08/2018 17:37

Take away all privileges. It’s a bit hard as it’s the school holidays but he would be staying home all day now and not going out. You are in charge.

What do you mean by aggressive?

You could also report him to the police, he may a good talking to by them and he sounds like he is sorely in need of a firm hand. At least use this as a threat. Sounds a bit aggressive but I think it’s necessary. I would also consider alerting the school since it could be having a serious impact on his studies.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 03/08/2018 17:39

Where is he getting his money from to buy it? Cut that off for a start.

Bezm · 03/08/2018 17:42

Remember, you are in charge! Do you smoke weed? Where is he getting it from? If he's been given it that could be putting him in a really dangerous position as this is how young teens get embroiled into drug dealing. You need to lock him up NOw!

TeeBee · 03/08/2018 17:43

I'm amazed that you're 'disappointed' OP. I'd be petrified, livid, outraged before I was disappointed. Does he have a dad on the scene? Has he had a difficult time of it? Basically, is there any reason why he isn't acting like a normal 12 year-old?

MiniAlphaBravo · 03/08/2018 17:48

I think this is a time for ranting and raving to be honest because (at least in theory) you have control of him at age 12. It’s when they are older that you have to worry about them making more wrong choices if you push against them. Also you must talk to him about the healthy implications and also of course the horrible individuals he will be getting mixed up with. Let’s hope he’s not part of county lines yet but he soon could be. Unless you act.

TeeBee · 03/08/2018 17:50

Exactly that MiniAlphaBravo. Its not just the health implications (and don't let anyone tell you weed is harmless, it absolutely isn't), its the people they can get wrapped up with that is your biggest concern. And what an easy time they will have of taking advantage of him, considering he is only 12.

Original poster
Marie0 · 03/08/2018 17:53

To be honest we’ve had so many problems I just don’t know what to do. He’s very violent and aggressive and just attacks me and his dad if we take stuff off him and also trashes the house.

He’s seen a psychologist who’s told us he’s having problems with anxiety and various strategies to deal with this but he’s unresponsive.

He will run away in the night as he has done previously if we challenge him. I admit I no longer have any control.

I don’t want to involve the police at this stage.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marie0 · 03/08/2018 17:55

No we don’t smoke anything- he’s getting it from kids his own age at the local park

OP posts:
Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 03/08/2018 17:56

He’s out of control because you’re a limp lettuce Hmm. Can’t tell him off because he’ll run away into the night...
Where is he getting the money from?!

ProfessorMoody · 03/08/2018 17:57

At 12? Bloody hell.

TeeBee · 03/08/2018 17:57

So talking to a professional isn't helping and he is clearly getting further and further into a dangerous (as are you by the sounds of things). At what point will you be calling the police OP? He needs to know that every single act of violence gets him pulled up and will not be tolerated. If you, as his parents can't do that, then somebody needs to. In a few years he'll be a man.

WaywardOn3 · 03/08/2018 17:57

My sister started smoking at 16. She was told that if she's got enough money for cigs she doesn't need pocket money as the bank of mum and dad isn't there to fund that. She was then told she could continue to stay at home rent free if she stopped smoking or find a place to rent with all that money she's got to burn 😂😂😂 she quit that day

TeeBee · 03/08/2018 17:57

Then he doesn't get to go to the bloody park!!!

mineisarossini · 03/08/2018 17:58

Um, Op if you don't exert some control now, what the hell is he going to be like in a few years? You have to do something, he is taking drugs at 12!!!!

If he attacks you then call the police. As a starting point you must take away all forms of communication so he can't buy anymore, all cash and ground him. God knows there is so much you can do.

I suggest you call social services for support with him, you need some help if you are scared of him already.

Don't just ignore it, this could be the start of a long and slippery slope into addiction and ultimately death.

Sit him down and talk to him, tell him what you have found and what you will do calmly. If he shouts wait, and then continue. If he slams doors then wait and then ask calmly to come back.

jelliebelly · 03/08/2018 17:58

Wtf he's 12 - you need to get a grip of this situation now! Don't give him money don't let him out of the house - what consequences are there for his behaviour??

Racecardriver · 03/08/2018 17:59

Is there a British equivalent of American military schools? In all honesty I think you have no option here but to remove him from the situation. If he us escaping then you need to secure your house. Get double sided locks for your door and put bars on windows. Or move to somewhere where he has no where to run to. Only key him out to go to school until his behaviour improves etc. He is doing drugs. At this point it doesn't matter if your house gets trashed.

Movablefeast · 03/08/2018 18:00

I have 3 teens, my youngest is DS age 12. You and your DH seem to have already given up on your son. If it was me and my DH we would definitely be involving police as the situation is getting very serious especially for a 12 year old.

TeeBee · 03/08/2018 18:00

And if he trying to abscond in the night, you put alarms on the doors, then you both restrain him and take him back in the house. Please do not unleash your child on the world the way he is. He needs much, much firmer lines drawn.

TeeBee · 03/08/2018 18:01

And no wonder he feels anxious. There is no safety net it seems. He's free falling and nobody is stopping him. He will feel safer if you take control.

mineisarossini · 03/08/2018 18:01

Overall Op no more going to the park, no more freedom and you need to back each other up all the way.

My friend's father bought a huge iron lock and put on the outside of his bedroom door and window locks, and would literally lock him in his room when he was grounded. His food would arrive and be taken away and he had to call to use the loo and shower.

Some tough love is needed in your house and quick.

Original poster
Marie0 · 03/08/2018 18:03

I won't ignore it, I just don't want to shout at him as I know this will be detrimental

I will talk to him later and warn him of the dangers.

I think this is potentially serious of course but I also think most teenagers will experiment with smoking / drinking at some point during this time.

I have actually exhausted all type of discipline and consequences with previous bad behaviour and nothing works.

OP posts:
TeeBee · 03/08/2018 18:09

No. Most teenagers will not experiment with smoking and drinking at 12. You are wrong. Mine certainly fucking won't if they want to be able to sit down again.

You are being way too soft on him OP. You need to parent him, not namby pamby around him. You need to bloody shout at him. What is the matter with you? Your child is walking himself into a shit, shit life and you don't want to do anything. Get a grip OP, honestly. Its time to step up to the plate and save him from himself. Time to grow a backbone.

MinaPaws · 03/08/2018 18:09

Don't be angry and don't take away any priviledges as that will just make him more defiant.

Tell him you're worried for him, for his safety and his future. Try and get him to read up soem info on the dangers of weed - how strong it is now, how his depression and anxiety and anger could all be being triggered by it.

Ask if he's worried abotu it at all, and if he'd like help coming off it.
Ask what else in life interests him, what goals he has and whether weed helps him in them or slows him down.

See if there are any youth workers or centres locally that do talks or counselling about drugs. A friend of mine used to but his centre was closed down and he said that's happening everywhere, so you may be out of luck, but even the Talk to Frank website might be of some help.

Their generation is really brainwashed about weed. My DC sneer at me about it - how safe it is, mild it is, less dangerous than alcohol it is etc etc. They don't smoke afaik - never seen any evidence they do, but all comments that you can't gauge the strength of it, that it's illegal just get shouted down. It's hard.

Movablefeast · 03/08/2018 18:11

When it comes to parenting I am sorry but you are doing it wrong. There are so many things you could do. You are refusing to take responsibility, in all seriousness you are DH need to get support to figure out how you can change your behaviour. What is your DH like? Is he helping?

Swipe left for the next trending thread