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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

My 12 year old son is smoking weed

277 replies

Marie0 · 03/08/2018 17:24

Just been tidying my son's room (he's out) and found in his man bag a lighter, almost empty packet of rizlas with most if the cardboard being stripped off (presumably used for roaches) and a small empty plastic bag with a motif of a marijuana plant on.

I feel so disappointed by don't want to rant and rave at him as I think this will push him more to do this. (He's really defiant and aggressive and does what he wants anyway)

It's his 13th birthday on Monday and this is a real dampner.

Anyone got any experience of how to deal with this please?

thank you

OP posts:
Lougle · 03/08/2018 19:29

I'm just a bit confused here. He's year 8 now, 12 years old. You sound like you don't know where he's going, what he's doing, who he's seeing. That's what I'd expect if he was year 12.

You can take control. You can tell him that he has boundaries. Tell him that you love him too much to allow him to behave like this. He'll hate it, but he'll feel safer, too.

Branleuse · 03/08/2018 19:29

Can you talk to him about it. Ask him where he got it and how long its been going on for. I would also be quite concerned that he was smoking tobacco. Is he out a lot in the evenings? Whats your relationship with him like?

I cant say its massively shocking to me, as I was smoking it at around 14, and I have many friends who tried it younger than that, and the vast majority of them didnt continue into adulthood, although some did. Often its the culture of the area you live in more than your parenting. Do you live in a rural area?

MorningCuppa · 03/08/2018 19:30

Do you have a set time you ask him to be in?

JustLikeBefore · 03/08/2018 19:30

Flowers OP I'm sorry you are goimg through this and sorry you are getting a rough ride from some posters.

A friend of mine is going through the same with her DS who's going into year 9. There are reasons, just like you hopefully have pin pointed, that you are coping with an child with autism at home too, and he seems to recent it.

Keep plugging for any help you can get, but also look at getting yourself and DH some help too, go see your GP.

You have a lot on your plate at the moment. I'm no good with Advice but feel for you, as have seen my friend going through the same.

For everyone dragging the OP down. At just 13 I was smoking weed, taking speed, and having sex. My parents were typical no nonsense middle class parents, and I nearly broke them. By 16 they were just glad I was alive.

Littlebird88 · 03/08/2018 19:30

I think you need to ask for some serious help maybe social services .
I really hope you can get some help. more for the control he has over the family

Original poster
Marie0 · 03/08/2018 19:30

Thank you BellaButterfly x

OP posts:
Original poster
Marie0 · 03/08/2018 19:48

Thank you just like before - and presumably you turned out ok?!

I think we sound similar to your parents- he crept out a few nights ago and was at a girls house all night (she’s safe age) so he’s probably having sex as well 😡.

I banged on the door the following morning (got address from find friends app on my phone) and the girls mum was fine with it saying they’re just friends and good as good!
Just relieved he wasn’t in some drugs den!

OP posts:
Mishappening · 03/08/2018 19:48

I do understand that there are some children who are very hard indeed to incentivize or punish. There is a young member of my wider family who sounds very similar. And believe me,the parents have done all the right things.

From watching how this has panned out for the child and the family, I really would advise that you go to the police. They have, all though these difficult times, been the most grounded, sensible and helpful of all the professionals who have tried to help the situation.

I do think that part of the problem OP is you sound as though you feel defeated by the situation and that will rub off on your son.I understand how this might come about, but you need to seek help for yourself to bring you personally to a better place where you feel strong enough to take on the situation..

The fundamental rule that you and your OH must always present a united front on everything is absolutely never to be broken - this is what gives a child clarity and a sense of safety.

Your son is just a child and he is mixed up in things that are beyond his control - you and your OH need to be the ones who control the situation.

I know this sounds trite, but I think making sure that not a day goes by without you both telling him how much you love him is very important. Hard I know when he is being a right royal pain - but he does need to hear this, so he knows you will not give up on him.

I hope you can turn this situation around.

Original poster
Marie0 · 03/08/2018 19:49

Sorry she’s same age (13) not ‘safe’ age

OP posts:
Oblomov18 · 03/08/2018 19:54

I think people may be overly shocked, naievely. Last year, aged 13, lots of boys and girls in our local, very top academic school, with many naice, caring, wealthy parents had :drinking, vaping, a bit of mildly sexual activity, and some hash cakes.

It's clearly all going on. Younger than it used to.

Original poster
Marie0 · 03/08/2018 19:56

Thank you mid happenjng you’re right - I think it’s too late though - I feel he may be better off somewhere else? I’ve started photographing all the marks and bruises he gives me - he’s made us both ill- we’ve been to the doctors both me and my dh take medication to help get through the day - it seems like things can’t get any worse and then it does - sorry this is a particularly bad day - maybe tomorrow will be better.

I’m looking at his pile of presents for his birthday on Monday and thinking I’ll just put them in the bin but then he’ll hate us all even more 😪

OP posts:
Mishappening · 03/08/2018 19:56

One important thing to remember is that there are some very unscrupulous dealers out there - they supply to youngsters like this,get them hookedand then only continue the supply if the child acts as a delivery boy for them. My young relative has got sucked into this and it is only a matter of time before he finishes up in prison - and his flat has been trashed by dealers wanting their money.

Believe me he had a great upbringing with caring and sensible parents; but once the dealers get their claws into these vulnerable youngsters it is a slippery slope.

Not wanting to scare you but just needed to encourage you to sek the right help now.

DioneTheDiabolist · 03/08/2018 20:01

OP, if you decide not to involve the police this time, don't threaten it. It will be more effective if he is not expecting it. I wish you strength and wisdom.Thanks

Original poster
Marie0 · 03/08/2018 20:04

Oh god yes may be he’s a runner and getting drugs as an incentive- I don’t give him any money anymore as he’s so vile so he can’t be buying them

OP posts:
Biologifemini · 03/08/2018 20:11

Stop giving him money. Get rid of the WiFi for a few weeks and get him a paper round or some voluntary work. He needs protection from you from the bad people he knows. He will blame you in the future for funding his age 12 drug habit.
You need to give him a shock so ask the police over for a chat.
Get him into a sport and insist.
You need to massively change your parenting style.

MorningCuppa · 03/08/2018 20:15

Bio how do you expect a parent with a child this disobedient to get him a paper round and then what? Drag him round it because I'm sure he won't do it, how do you "make" him do a sport if he doesn't want to? You can't make these teens do things they don't want to do, it's hard, I've seen one of my friends go through this with her child, no punishment or taking things away worked, I think outside help and trying to understand why he is being like this might be a start.

Original poster
Marie0 · 03/08/2018 20:18

I don’t give him money
He won’t do a sport
Telling me to change my parenting style is actually not helpful

OP posts:
Original poster
Marie0 · 03/08/2018 20:22

He resents his 11 year old brother who has autism
He hates us all and won’t engage

We’ve asked school for support who have allocated a youth worker who’s fab

We’ve exhausted all the usual methods of discipline of which none have worked such as no Wi-fi no phone no money etc

Maybe he has a mental health issue rather than me needing to change my parenting style or take control

OP posts:
Toohot12244 · 03/08/2018 20:22

Hi OP, is your DC in mainstream school or a specialist provision?
What help are you getting re the violent outbursts?
Is school supportive?

Original poster
Marie0 · 03/08/2018 20:24

Anyway I originally wanted advice on how to deal with finding my son has dabbled with drugs of which a lot of people have been very helpful and supportive.

Not get slated for my parenting

OP posts:
careerontrack · 03/08/2018 20:26

Where on earth does a 12 year old even get weed from and why is a 12 year old out alone without you having him on Live360.

Toohot12244 · 03/08/2018 20:27

Youth worker is a step in the right direction-would a referral to the youth offending team help potentially? Locally here we have YIP, youth inclusion project,
For those at risk of criminal behaviour- with drugs potentially being the lead into criminal behaviour ?

Theshittyendofthestick · 03/08/2018 20:27

Just another thought as you have another child with ASD... have you looked into Pathological Demand Avoidance? It is part of the spectrum but presents differently, most noticeably that any request or demand is refused, even easy or enjoyable stuff. Anxiety levels are generally very high in people with this condition which can result in self harm or self medication through drug/ alcohol use.

Original poster
Marie0 · 03/08/2018 20:28

He’s on the verge of being excluded.

He’s fallen so far behind we paid for tutors last summer to bring him up to speed but when he returned to school it all went down hill, he can’t cope with authority and being shouted at.

He either tells teachers to F off or storms out and leaves school grounds

I don’t think it will benefit to change school as he will have the same problem there

OP posts:
MorningCuppa · 03/08/2018 20:29

Op unfortunately some people live in glass houses and think these things don't happen and never would happen to them, the reality is, it does happen and lots of other parents do go through this, it's easy for people to skate your parenting, when in fact it can be a multitude of problems, it's trying to get to the bottom of why he is acting the way he is and why he's dabbling in drugs.

There is help out there, that catch 22 I mentioned earlier is also something many schools know about and children can ask them to come to the school instead of Home, that's if they cover your area but it's worth looking into.

Firstly I would try to have a calm conversation with him about what you have found and ask him how long it's being going on, no point going in and ranting and raving at him as I'm sure you won't get anywhere.

I understand you feel defeated I'm sure many would but try to get some more outside help and maybe a plan on how to tackle this.

I wish you luck

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