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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

My 12 year old son is smoking weed

277 replies

Marie0 · 03/08/2018 17:24

Just been tidying my son's room (he's out) and found in his man bag a lighter, almost empty packet of rizlas with most if the cardboard being stripped off (presumably used for roaches) and a small empty plastic bag with a motif of a marijuana plant on.

I feel so disappointed by don't want to rant and rave at him as I think this will push him more to do this. (He's really defiant and aggressive and does what he wants anyway)

It's his 13th birthday on Monday and this is a real dampner.

Anyone got any experience of how to deal with this please?

thank you

OP posts:
Allgoodnamesaregone · 03/08/2018 20:29

My son is now 29. When he was 12 his behaviour was like your son's. I was a single parent. He didn't attack me but displayed very threatening behaviour & one night prevented me leaving the house. It's a long story but things escalated & I called the police. He was taken away screaming "don't let them do this mam". It was one of the worst nights of my life. But I had to be tough and let them take him. It was awful. It didn't stop his bad behaviour but it was better for a while. I'd been trying all sorts for help....& after that we had a psychologist for a while. My son was diagnosed with anxiety, school phobia & social phobia. He suffered from depression too and has self harmed a lot. He was recently diagnosed with ASD. There is very very little support for autistic adults. If he had been diagnosed as a child his life, & mine, could have been very different.
You have my sympathies, as I know what you are going through, but I do think it's time to call the police. Good luck.

Samewitches · 03/08/2018 20:33

Take the man bag, take the whole thing. When he comes home tell him what you've found and that you've taken it very calmly. Personally I'd have his bedroom door off by the time he got home but that's by the by. Turn off the wifi, remove wires or remote controls for every device, telly, controllers for consoles, ipad etc hidden. Tell him you'll talk when he's calm. If he gets violent call the police- he's at an age where they won't do much to him and SS involvement may be a good thing! If he shouts or swears you'll talk to him when he's calm. Perhaps encourage calmness like you would in a tantrumming toddler- 'do you want a bacon roll/ tea/ something he likes' and make it clear a sit down conversation WILL take place when he's calm. If he runs, call the police until he's returned and start again. Once he is sitting ask him if he's in trouble. Anything, any situation he is in you will help him with. If he needs help he can tell you now with no repercussions and you will help him, no matter how bad the situation.
If not and you believe him- he's grounded until Monday. Phone taken, He can have a console if he has one, he can go to X or Y depending on your circumstances but if he runs or he goes out without permission or returns late from a trip you've consented to he loses his birthday presents and his birthday itself until he can behave nicely. If he complies he gets everything + something of his choosing, a dinner out, a birthday takeaway of his choosing, a trip to a theme park if you're able childcare wise and financially. I'm so sorry for you OP, it sounds so hard on all of you (including DS).

Original poster
Marie0 · 03/08/2018 20:35

Thank you too hot and shitty end of the stick - he’s seen a psychologist who said he’s suffering from anxiety - we think he does have some kind of disorder but we don’t really think a diagnosis will help - we just need to know how to deal with him and what’s best for him. Psychologist suggested some good strategies such as a ‘behaviour contract’ and for him to try and say something nice to us each day but he can’t seem to do even that.

GP is useless said leave it to school to refer / intervene and I am really reluctant to involve police (we reported him missing a few weeks back and a police officer went to see him in school to have a word), he mostly didn’t engage and when he did he was dismissive and disrespectful.

OP posts:
Allgoodnamesaregone · 03/08/2018 20:37

I should have said "it's time to call the police for the violence against you & your husband. Not for the weed." I think him attacking you is the main thing that needs to be addressed. If he does it again get the police out as it may help open up other avenues for support. I found it incredibly frustrating trying to get my son help. I hope things are better for young people now.
The weed is an issue....my son did dabble at a similar age....if I'd shouted he would have rebelled more. Looking back I know it was his frustration if not being able to communicate his feelings, or understand them.

Bananarama12 · 03/08/2018 20:38

A child in my family started smoking weed at this age. A gang had started giving him it and then they get them to sell it for them. This went on to stealing, breaking in to people's houses for them etc. They make them feel like family and that 'they have each other's backs'. The mother involved police and social services but he didn't want to be helped. He's also been with different foster families to get him out of the area. He seems to be improving but it's taken such a toll on the whole family.

longbar · 03/08/2018 20:42

A diagnosis would certainly help at school, as we would treat a pupil who was defiant/rude and had a condition differently than one who was simply defiant and rude. He would also get more support when it comes to exams.

Branleuse · 03/08/2018 20:45

are you sure he doesnt have a learning difficulty of some kind if he is aggressive and leaning towards drugs at a young age and there is autism in the family? Prisons YOIs are full of undiagnosed people with adhd etc

I really would not throw his presents away. Hes still your child.

MorningCuppa · 03/08/2018 20:47

Would he do boxing classes op if you could find one near you, might help get some anger out of him.

Branleuse · 03/08/2018 20:48

read your last post, a diagnosis always helps get support.

If youve overlooked his needs because his brothers are more apparent - rookie mistake. You need to get your boy back and maybe try a different tack than disciplinarian. If the only positive attention he ever gets is from his dodgy mates, then thats where he will go.

I know mumsnet is generally hysterical about cannabis, and its obviously not great, but i think it pales in comparison to him hurting you and giving you bruises. Maybe hes looking for something to calm his mind.

Branleuse · 03/08/2018 20:48

Hes far too young to be written off.

PoisonousSmurf · 03/08/2018 20:52

Parents aren't allowed to 'parent' these days. Some kids know it and will take advantage of it. Ridiculous that parents are scared of their own kids. If you can't manage him now, then you have no hope when he's older.
Do you have any relatives you can farm him out to? Someone who isn't emotionally involved and can talk to him?

Clairetree1 · 03/08/2018 20:53

I haven't read the whole thread, so this may have already been said.

This WILL leave him with PERMANENT brain damage.

You are his mother, you need to stop this right now. By what ever means it takes.

You can't lose control of a 12 year old, you really can't, He is still dependent on you for everything, including preventing him giving himself brain damage

Original poster
Marie0 · 03/08/2018 20:53

Yes I guess a diagnosis would help- he’s top of the list to see ed psych on returning to school hopefully they can give a diagnosis- the other psychologist he saw was a trainee in his last year of studies introduced by his youth worker so I’m not sure can actually diagnose hence why he said he’s suffering from anxiety.

I think I’ve subconsciously ignored all the bad behaviour for fear of the violence- it was only last night he through a small table down the stairs as he didn’t like the way I looked at him.

OP posts:
Theshittyendofthestick · 03/08/2018 20:53

I do think that an accurate diagnosis could be helpful. It would allow you to research and try appropriate behaviour management techniques and hopefully access professionals who will know what approach to use. It might also give your son some insight into what's going on. His self esteem is probably very low if he feels he is spinning out of control and doesn't know why.

Original poster
Marie0 · 03/08/2018 20:56

Yes poisonous Smirf it’s ‘ridiculous’ when you’re being punched and kicked and having everything thrown at you.

And the brain damage comment wow how helpful thanks for that 👍🏻

OP posts:
PurpleShepNeedsToGoToBed · 03/08/2018 21:06

I agree with ashittyendofthestick - have a look at pathological demand avoidance. It's sometimes referred to as autism with demand avoidance and can look quite different - diagnosis is hit or miss but you could look at some strategies. From my experience, strategies often suggested for discipline and for other asc don't work and more often than not aggravate the situation. Again,
my experience with my DC is that anxiety definitely feeds in to it too.

A lot of posters won't have experience of this and won't grasp how simply "demanding" good behaviour is like throwing petrol on a fire.

Here, we end up being very logical and calm. Information left so dc can absorb it when they want to - but it would completely explain a lot of the issues you've mentioned.

This isn't easy and I have a lot of empathy. Do please look in to it and talk to the support agencies you have involved.

Fwiw my dc would attack me in meltdown - I do have an inkling of this - and the more punishments and demand the harder it will get. More demands, more anxiety.

PurpleShepNeedsToGoToBed · 03/08/2018 21:08

And @MarieO Brew Cake Flowers

Clairetree1 · 03/08/2018 21:13

a lot of the behaviour you describe could well be as the result of smoking weed - threw a table because he didn't like the way you looked at him? classic

FruitCider · 03/08/2018 21:15

Someone is dealing drugs to your 12 year old son. You need to speak to the police to safeguard your child.

Your child cannot run away in the night if all windows and doors are locked and the keys removed.

If your 12 year old hits you, ring the police.

Why are you letting a 12 year old dictate the rules?

Branleuse · 03/08/2018 21:23

The chances are, he is so angry, he has found something that calms him. Weed doesnt tend to make people angry. It tends to chill them out.

When did he start getting out of control? Did something happen?

Branleuse · 03/08/2018 21:24

Its actually painful to read some of the hysteria and misconceptions here, and also completely unhelpful to suggest that its easy and just lock the doors and windows.

FruitCider · 03/08/2018 21:25

The chances are, he is so angry, he has found something that calms him. Weed doesnt tend to make people angry. It tends to chill them

Except when they can't get any and they experience psychological withdrawals.

OP, your problem son today will be my problem in 5 years time when he ends up on remand for his dislike of authority figures. Don't let him become my problem, get this sorted now.

FruitCider · 03/08/2018 21:26

and also completely unhelpful to suggest that its easy and just lock the doors and windows

How do you think we secure children in secure children's homes, or on psychiatric wards, or in prison? We don't have special laser beams that repel people that walk near them. We use locks and keys...

BifsWif · 03/08/2018 21:27

You need to stop this, now. If he has underlying mental health issues the cannabis use is a recipe for disaster a few years from now.

Have you considered social services involvement? They can offer a lot of help and support from other agencies.

Original poster
Marie0 · 03/08/2018 21:31

Thank you purple shep needs to go to bed- I feel much better after reading your post.

I’ve just found him down the road, on his own. We had a chat about me knowing he’s dabbling in drugs. I’ve reassured him that we love him and want what’s best for him. He’s said he’s tried it a couple of times and he feels chilled which I can understand as he’s suffering from anxiety. I’ve told him he’s not to do it again.

He said I’m over reacting and I said I’m concerned about the slippery slope and how it’s actually the tobacco it’s mixed with that is more addictive.

I’ve told him to talk to me whenever he wants and that I’ll always support him.

I then bought him a bag of chips and brought him home. I feel happy that I was able to talk to him and him talk back without any abuse involved- maybe it’s s start 😀

OP posts:
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