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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

My 12 year old son is smoking weed

277 replies

Marie0 · 03/08/2018 17:24

Just been tidying my son's room (he's out) and found in his man bag a lighter, almost empty packet of rizlas with most if the cardboard being stripped off (presumably used for roaches) and a small empty plastic bag with a motif of a marijuana plant on.

I feel so disappointed by don't want to rant and rave at him as I think this will push him more to do this. (He's really defiant and aggressive and does what he wants anyway)

It's his 13th birthday on Monday and this is a real dampner.

Anyone got any experience of how to deal with this please?

thank you

OP posts:
AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 03/08/2018 18:14

Why do people think that effective parenting amounts to ranting and raving? Hmm you rant and rave when you’ve lost control of yourself and don’t know what to do. Totally the wrong message OP wants to send to her son. Ah needs to remain calm but very firm. She can certainly show she is angry, very angry, without resorting to shouting. She shows far more authority when she can retain her coolness whilst dealing with him.

OP you and DH need to present a united front, approach him together, ask no questions, you are telling him what you found and you are informing him of the new rules he will now live by. He is grounded, he will have no pocket money. He will leave the house only with you or DH, he will have no phone or games consoles. any attempts at violence will result in the police being called.

He will kick off when you tell him all this. Ignore, walk away, keep house doors and window locked. When he is calm, you are ready to listen to anything he has to say, not before.

Original poster
Marie0 · 03/08/2018 18:14

Thank you Mina Paws, that makes a lot of sense. He does see a youth worker from Families First charity and I will make him aware of the situation.

It is so hard but I know my son and although I try and guide him in the right direction I know hard approach will not work.

Should I just tell him I've found this stuff (he'll know I was snooping then) or just have a general drugs chat?

I know what you mean about being brain washed - He's already told me how it's safe to vape!

OP posts:
Movablefeast · 03/08/2018 18:14

Your son is not a teenager, he is 12.

Lynne1Cat · 03/08/2018 18:16

Who is the adult in your home?! He's a kid. Where does he get the money to buy drugs?! Why don't you know where he goes, who he hangs about with, what he's up to? You're as soft as shit. You need to start by keeping him in, taking away anything like tv, computer games, etc. Get some bloody control!

By the way, not all teenagers go through a phase of taking drugs or smoking. My sons (now in their 30s) didn't do either. We knew EXACTLY where they were, who they were with, every single day. That's because we got to know their friends, made them welcome at our house, got to know the parents of the kids.

I suggest you and your son's dad get a bloody grip, start being better parents, and make some rules for your kid. If you have no control of a 12 year old, you're going to be even worse (all of you) when he's 14, 16, 18

Original poster
Marie0 · 03/08/2018 18:18

yes thank you AWomanisanAdultHumanFemale.

I agree I need to be calm. I will get DH to sit with me and yes a united front is a good idea as he seems to respect his dad more.

I just feel like such a failure, everything is falling apart at home, but I realise I need to try and gain some control.

thank you everyone.

OP posts:
TeeBee · 03/08/2018 18:20

I don't shout at my kids generally. I don't need to. I'm pretty relaxed about most things but you can bet your arse I'd be absolutely losing my shit if I found out my 12 year old was using drugs. Everybody feels the love of mum in my house, which is bountiful and wonderful but nobody wants to feel the wrath of mum because that only comes out when you are about to screw up big time. My kids know that. They can sweet talk me into a lot of things through talking, negotiating and explaining their stance. Mamma only loses her shit when there's a dangerous situation. I'd rather be scared of me a wee bit than be taking drugs at 12 so I'm happy with my stance.

Original poster
Marie0 · 03/08/2018 18:23

Thank you TeeBee for your interest, but I don't find your comments particularly helpful. I respect you have a very different parenting style I'd appreciate you respecting mine.

OP posts:
AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 03/08/2018 18:24

I will get DH to sit with me and yes a united front is a good idea as he seems to respect his dad more.

If that’s the case it’s a good idea for you to take the lead on all the talking, setting down the rules and consequences and have your DH back you up rather than him taking the lead. It’s important for your son to see that you are to be respected just as much as his father and the best way for him to see that is for him to see his father reinforceing the message.

DioneTheDiabolist · 03/08/2018 18:25

OP please go to the police. Your DS no longer recognises your parental authority so maybe he will learn that mum and dad are not the last word here. He has broken the law. Fortunately he is only 12yo, the police will explain what he has done wrong and what will happen if he continues on this path.

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 03/08/2018 18:26

Teebee can you understand that in OPs situation she has very likely done lots of shouting and so for her to shout this time would just be normal, not scary for this child? He is probably used to shouting. It would have no impact. He will be far more confused if Mum is really calm. He’ll likely think “shit, she’s far too calm, got something else up her sleeve if I fuck about again”

cissyfuss · 03/08/2018 18:30

I don't often respond on here but the majority of responders are really giving the OP a hard time for her parenting. My son is 11 and I can identify how helpless it can feel to try and parent when they really don't respond to any type of reward or punishment behaviour incentives, are big enough to become physical, simply walk out of the house and stay home for some time, have trouble communicating etc. I have another child who is the opposite and they have both been parented in the same way. I don't have the answer for OP (I wish) but I think it's unfair to suggest it's as easy as 'toughen up your parenting'.

CherryPavlova · 03/08/2018 18:34

At 12? You need to stop him doing what he wants and start parenting effectively. Harsh, but true. The child will end up in the criminal justice system or worse if you don’t take control now.
Tough that he might not like it, tough that he’s aggressive and defiant. You are the adults and at 12 he’s still a little boy,
How’s he doing at school? What out of school activities is he doing?
His father needs to be dragging him (not literally) to rugby or football and staying to cheer him on.
You need to be talking to the school about friendship and access to drugs. Move his school if necessary to get him away from any gangs he might hang out with. Stop all hanging out and give him some structure.

Nikephorus · 03/08/2018 18:34

I think this is potentially serious of course but I also think most teenagers will experiment with smoking / drinking at some point during this time.
He's 12! 12 year olds aren't experimenting with drugs. And potentially serious?! Shock Angry

Original poster
Marie0 · 03/08/2018 18:35

Thank you cissyfuss, you’re right I’m at the end of the road and he’s not even 13 till Monday! Never thought it would be this hard!

OP posts:
Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 03/08/2018 18:35

You don’t have a parenting “style” to respect, op!
Wondering whether you should tell him what you’ve found in case he gets pissed off that you were snooping Hmm
I can’t even imagine what he’ll be like in a couple of years while you stand by wringing your hands and wondering what you could possibly do to make any difference.
And I wouldn’t like to meet your little darling and his cronies down any dark alleyways by then either.

Runninglateeveryday · 03/08/2018 18:35

I say this as someone whose DD was out of control, who pays for his drugs? Who pays for his phone?

Don't rant and rave just cut everything off money and phone, provide a short explanation of why and if he is aggressive why aren't you calling the police?

DD had a contract in my name I could therefore cut it off on their app, she got it in the end. You desperately need to put boundaries in as this will only get worse unless you deal with it. Do not be bullied in your own home, if he absconds call the police report him missing , if he is aggressive call the police, he needs to see you taking action and clear consequences. Don't explain yourself overly just be clear then don't engage in any arguing or blackmail.

AnotherOriginalUsername · 03/08/2018 18:36

I'd be popping down to the cop shop to have a word with the local beat officer (on the basis that teenagers are smoking/dealing drugs in the park on their patch). I'd be asking them to send the biggest, burliest copper they can spare to come round (at a pre-arranged time) to "search" his room. Tell them where the paraphernalia can be found, let them fine it and let them read him the riot act. A little ride in the back of a police car and a few hours in a cell would be even better. Entirely depends on your local force but ours are always happy to help out at this stage (give them a short sharp shock, then discuss like an adult) before things escalate. They were great when my sister went through a rough patch at 13 (local sergeant more than happy to help out as "he has teenagers himself) and I've seen them handle other situations in a similar way (violence, sexting etc.)

Rebecca36 · 03/08/2018 18:38

He is a bit young for that! However it doesn't mean that he is smoking weed regularly, only that he has smoked it. A lot of youngsters dip into it to try, doesn't make them potheads.

Still you need to talk to your son about this and see what he says. He'll probably be upset you know and all sheepish and red faced. He may not tell the whole truth but as a mother you could put the fear of God into him for a little while. Good luck!

YeTalkShiteHen · 03/08/2018 18:38

Oh OP you sound so tired and defeated. I’m sorry things are so rough.

This is maybe not what you want to hear but are you sure it was weed? A lot of the legal highs now look like weed but aren’t (had to give myself a quick education when DSD started using them) and can be a lot more potent.

Do you have RL support for you to help him?

Original poster
Marie0 · 03/08/2018 18:38

Wow I can’t believe how rude some people are!

I suppose it’s easy to bash someone on the internet when they have a ‘glimpse’ of someone’s life.

OP posts:
mineisarossini · 03/08/2018 18:39

It is slightly terrifying that you already sound utterly defeated.

ALL teenagers try smoking and drugs. No they don't.

You have exhausted all punishments. No you haven't.

Everything is a failure. You sound so utterly defeated.

OP. You need to find some energy, some strength and some good old fight to the death attitude. You can't possibly imagine that you can just talk to him about the dangers and it will work. It won't, he knows the dangers and is still doing it.

Get your big girls pants on and start being a bloody parent. He is 12, and he is a CHILD and needs your proactive protection. It is negligent to just stand by and do so little.

No one suggested shouting, but you do need to get through to him.

This is a watershed moment. Are you spending enough time with him? Are you and dp chatting to him, taking him out?

He needs 247 supervision for the next few months if not longer. This wil be tiring but worth it if you love your son.

YeTalkShiteHen · 03/08/2018 18:41

Hang on, you can’t call OP negligent for asking for advice about something she’s only just discovered!

I don’t think a “fight to the death” attitude is going to help either.

Nor is calling OP names and being nasty.

MorningCuppa · 03/08/2018 18:45

That is rather young to be experimenting with drugs op, you do need to sit down and have the chat and maybe rein in his freedom, the problem is it always starts with weed and then a lot of the time they start with the more harder drugs, how does he buy weed and where does he get his money from? I would not be giving him any money until you can get to the bottom of all this. If he's doing this at 12 I would be worry what he will be doing at 14-15.

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 03/08/2018 18:45

You (and DH) definitely need to massively up the assertiveness. You two are the parents. This kid has at least 6 more years before he becomes his own responsibility. Until then it’s you. No-one else. Just you and DH. You and he are the absolute best chance this child has at turning out a well rounded, respectful, positive contributor to society. If you and DH opt out of that now, at 12, he will fall to pieces. I promise you, he will not be able to fix this himself. He is so very far from being able to do that. You need to do it for him. It will be a battle, but that’s your job. That’s what you signed up for when you welcomed your little bundle of joy 13 years ago. You don’t have a choice unless you want to just wash your hands of him, at 12? I know you don’t want to do that, so toughen up, get firm, (calm, but firm and in control) involve as many agencies as you can to help, get him into whatever programmes you can, involve the school, inform the police that someone is dealing drugs to kids at X location. Pull out all the stops and handle it OP. He needs you to.

Gojira · 03/08/2018 18:46

You and your husband must've been pretty passive parents somewhere down the line for his behaviour to have escalated to this level.

How have you patented him historically? How long has he been aggressive and out of control? What's happening at school? Does he have siblings?

You must be able to pinpoint where things started going wrong?

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