My 12 year old son is smoking weed

[Marie0]

Just been tidying my son's room (he's out) and found in his man bag a lighter, almost empty packet of rizlas with most if the cardboard being stripped off (presumably used for roaches) and a small empty plastic bag with a motif of a marijuana plant on.

I feel so disappointed by don't want to rant and rave at him as I think this will push him more to do this. (He's really defiant and aggressive and does what he wants anyway)

It's his 13th birthday on Monday and this is a real dampner.

Anyone got any experience of how to deal with this please?

thank you

YeTalkShiteHen

I haven't called op names thank you very much.

It would be negligent to do little or nothing, yes absolutely, because he is still so young and this could be stopped fairly easily by cutting off his phone/money and grounding him for his own benefit. A drugs talk and then carry on as normal just isn't not going to cut it!

And sometimes you do need you do need to have a stronger will than they do to stop things. It is incredibly wearing having teenagers, but you can't give up, you do need to see it through.

Or you may as well give up and let him do as he likes and then the police will be the next ones knocking at the door, that or some dangerous dealer.

Op can turn things around but she needs to find some resolution in her heart.

I'm hoping it's a one off. i'm reluctant to involve the police as I haven't had a great experience in the past - he's gone missing a few times.

However I realise if it happens again I will need to.

I am weary and defeated, but maybe I should get a back bone as some have suggested.

I feel drained.

My husband is ill and my other child (11) has autism so it's tough. I have no family or support, so I guess I'll have to involve more outside agencies.

I feel a bit shit know as I know a lot of you are probably right.

Thanks, I'll maybe go out and try and find my son and talk with him

I wasn't being nasty op my DD had me In tears nearly every day I was permanently anxious, I just switched off one day and got tough not shouty tough but I'm not negotiating these are the rules, break them and these are the consequences. She pushed and pushed I stayed calm and continued with cutting phone off stopping money etc and she did get it . Grounding her never worked she'djust walk out and say "you can't physically stop me or I'll call police".

He’s Year 7. Don’t bother asking him about his feelings about the dangers. TELL him he’s not doing it.

mineisarossini then it wasn’t aimed at you was it?

OP can you involve SS, is that something you’d feel comfortable with?

I think he felt left out when I was having so many problems with my youngest.

He's been a problem for as long as I can remember.

I blame myself, he feels like I love my other son more - which of course is not the case.

He's on the verge of expulsion in school, he hates all authority and tells everyone to F off.

He's 13 on monday and will be going in to year 9 in sept

From having done some admin work for the Police And supporting officers, i would say contact them now and get them to come round and have "a chat". There is a huge national agenda on preventing anti-social behaviour (drug use often involves violence, theft, shoplifting, burglary, gang culture etc)
It may well deter him from anything before it gets out of hand and they would also be able to give you some support.

Without sounding too dramatic, The main problem is smoking tobacco can lead to weed, then legal highs such as spice, then cocaine, heroin and people who get into this young can quickly escalate into a user/addict rapidly as they often try to impress older kids to be liked and accepted. This is when they pray and the younger ones to act as couriers in exchange for some weed and run errands and shoplift for them to sell goods to fund the illegal activities.

I think making that call could be doing him a massive favour in the long run and hopefully in years to come he'll thank you for it.

www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/advice-for-the-families-of-drug-users/

I've pasted the NHS link - talk to Frank are brilliant I'd give them a call too;
I hope you manage to get this resolved and that you have a positive outcome 🌺

Have a talk with him op, maybe visit the gp see if they can help or know anywhere that can.

There is a place called catch 22 not sure if they are in your area but they help with all sorts of problems, from substance misuse to children running away, maybe look on there website?

Op I know that place of being beyond knackered and almost beyond caring. I have teens too, and have never known such exhaustion.

You know in your heart that you need to clip his wings, he is flying into a very dangerous world way too soon. He is too young to be out there and needs you. He is like a bird that has jumped the nest to soon and he has landed on the floor, and the crows are circling above the little bird waiting to attack or maybe they have already taken some bites, the vultures are coming along with the magpies. He is a punchy little bird, brave and adventurous but he is way out of his depth and he needs his parents to rescue him back in the nest, teach him how to fly, how to stay safe for another five years or so. He may squeak that he can fly alone, he can manage, but he most definitely can't. His wings are undeveloped and he will be eaten alive on the ground.

This is your baby boy Op, go and fetch him. Tell him you love him, this is for his own good and then take the phone/money and remind him that a new bossy bird is the nest and that is you.

We all need a bit of advice and support every now and again and it's easy to get carried away, but can we have a bit of peace and love for the parent behind the screen, asking for help?

OP, we're sorry you're having such a difficult time with your son. Wishing you the best of luck going forward.

Hi OP. I imagine that you've already tried most of the suggestions of sanctions/ punishment before posting here so I think all the harsh comments are pretty unfair. I think talking to him calmly and explaining your concerns is a good idea. Tell him you found stuff in his room (you could always lie and say you followed the horrendous smell that weed leaves) and listen to what he says in return, even if it's bollocks. If he starts telling you how risk-free it is, don't get drawn into an argument. Perhaps just be non commital and say 'that's interesting. I'm going to look into that so we can have a better chat when I know some more facts'. That means you can return to the conversation without hostility and it will increase your chance of him listening.
Just a thought anyway. Good luck

I hope some of the “stronger” replies on here will serve to show the OP that this is not normal, to be expected behaviour at almost 13. I’m sure we have all been told sometimes that “everyone else does it” when that is far from true. OP please feel you have the right to (with your dh) take back control of the situation. It will be easier at 12 when you can remove all access to money than when he’s old enough to get a job.

OMFG my son is 12 and I cannot even comprehend him doing something like this. I’d go fucking spare but I suspect that may not be hugely beneficial to anyone. Hopefully someone else has better advice

I have never, ever ever heard even the most ardent cannabis-should-be-legal, it’s less harmful than alcohol etc person say that it should be used at 12
It might be argued that it’s safe for an adult buying it from a friend and using it in their own home. A child buying from some older person in a park, getting high (and vulnerable) in front of strangers and even crossing roads while intoxicated - not safe or acceptable at all.

Is there a young carers group local to you OP? My friend’s DD benefitted hugely (her elder child had significant issues which meant a lot of time and attention went to him) because it was a bit of time just for her.

Maybe this is something your son would enjoy?

Another thing that may be worth looking into is speaking to your local rehab centres. The one my mum worked at would be more than happy to have young people in to chat with the residents (in a controlled way obviously) that had almost finished their program about what drugs do to people.

12/13 is very young for all this as others have said. At 13 I barely knew what cannabis was, never mind where to get it and what to do with it. It also sounds as though the drug use could be the cause of or exacerbating his behaviours

The affect of weed on a developing brain could be catastrophic. Find heavy weed smokers in their 20s and show him what a prize life he could have if he carries on- it often ain’t pretty.

I also wondered about the effects at his age, maybe that’s a way to talk to him OP? Explain how it’s even more potent to a child who hasn’t finished growing/developing yet.

He did join a carers group but didn’t enjoy it. He doesn’t mix well and we’ve tried all the normal activities such as football, rugby, tae kwon do which I did with him a few years back. He doesn’t respond to anything or anyone- I appreciate everyone who has tried to help but he regularly tells me he hates me and doesn’t want to be part of the family - I’ll call SS see what my options are. I can’t find him again - he won’t answer his phone - we pay for a lot of data so we can access his find friends app so we know where he is, but he turns the data off and won’t answer when we call. My DH has had enough and so have I - I think I give up.

Op if you can't find him and he won't answer, when will he be home? Do you give him a time to be in and does he stick to that?

Great post, mineisarossini

You definitely need some outside support OP, not just for him, but for you too!

He normally strolls in between 9:30 and 10