My 12 year old son is smoking weed

[Marie0]

Just been tidying my son's room (he's out) and found in his man bag a lighter, almost empty packet of rizlas with most if the cardboard being stripped off (presumably used for roaches) and a small empty plastic bag with a motif of a marijuana plant on.

I feel so disappointed by don't want to rant and rave at him as I think this will push him more to do this. (He's really defiant and aggressive and does what he wants anyway)

It's his 13th birthday on Monday and this is a real dampner.

Anyone got any experience of how to deal with this please?

thank you

Oh shit.
I think the best thing you can do is to move. He's getting this from his 'friends' and you need to get him away from them!
My DP was drinking and smoking weed at around this age, he was also a problem child with ADHD. He lived in a very rough area and went to a school with a lot of children who's parents were the ones giving them weed etc. He says himself his whole life would have been different if he had moved areas / schools. He had a VERY hard life from ages 14-23, when we met he had nothing (other than an alcohol and hard drug problem) and his life has got better since then, he's fine now but he wishes things would have been different. He tried to kill himself five times. Fair enough a lot of his issue was a very abusive father but these no saying it wouldn't have happened anyway.
Get him out op. Move to the other side of the world if you have to. Please put your child first, you've no idea the damage these other kids are doing to him / he's doing to himself.

His behaviour has been appalling since he was 8 or 9 so I don’t think he was smoking weed then - his behaviour is not related to him having a spliff - it’s just the latest thing in a long list of things that’s gone wrong

Also, I don't think you're a bad parent. It's bloody hard and you're doing your best

I think that children who are naughty and tend to rebel attract other kids who are the same and they're bad influences on each other. Take him away from bad influences.

Marie0 - please do not think it is too late. I know why you feel this, but he needs you to hang on in there. It is hard when a child you love is heading in the wrong direction; and sadly the CAMHS around the country are pitiful.

But you have done well with him this evening and I pat you on the back for this. Well done.

In also endorse the idea of moving away - this is advice my family was given by a former addict. He said there was no way he could get away from the dealers where he was. Sounds drastic I know, but they are wholly evil and unscrupulous.

Op you are downplaying this to a scary extent.

Most 12 year olds don't smoke weed.

Cannabis has a scary effect on the developing brain.

I agree with the previous poster that this is a safeguarding issue. Someone is giving your son drugs. That person has no good intentions.

I get that shouting at your child don't help but you must take decisive action now to help him feel secure. You say you're defeated. That comes through strongly. He feels abandoned. He's finding self medicating ways to handle his anxiety. He is 12 and he is coping with all of this on his own and you are persuading yourself it's fine.

I know you must be exhausted. I honestly do. But you must contact the police. You must make him protected. He won't like it but I can't see any option here.

Moving away doesn’t work any more. May be it did in the days before t’internet but now the kids can be given a nice easy heads up on the new local dealer.
OP lots of hugs for you. Many of the posters here have no idea how common this is sadly. I teach in a very nice comp in a leafy town and a number of year 8 students are known to be using drugs, there may well be others- we only tend to have the very difficult on our radar for that.
I would agree with definitely persuing a diagnosis, that may access some more help for you. Well done for connecting with him tonight.
I would also push the school in terms of keeping him safe, they must not let him leave the premises if he is annoyed, and school should be secure enough that it is very difficult to do so. Moving schools can help sometimes, but only if you live ina big enough town where his rep will not already be known at a new school ( by the other kids ).

Clairetree is correct in her posts I’m afraid, it’s a catch 22, many of the things you post can be connected.

You worried about him thinking you’re snooping, you’re not snooping, you’re parenting.

You do not know where he is at night, if he doesn’t tell you, he doesn’t go out.

If he is staying over night somewhere you drag him home before he stays.

Tough love is very effective.

Is your husband supporting you?

I would go to your GP, go back to school, call social services etc - do all you can - to get as much help and support as you can. It may be he needs a child psychologist or access to other juvenile mental health services. Perhaps you all could benefit from some form of family counselling. I don't know what's out there in the form of help, but there must be something more.

If he's like this at 12, with (from what you've said) zero respect for anyone in authority, then it's very worrying to think what will happen when he's 15 or 16. There's still a window here to try & steer him in the right direction before he's a young adult. (15+).

I can tell you've had a trying time and I sense how exhausted you are with it all. Having a 12yo staying out all night (unarranged) and having to track them down (and then to a girls house) is just not good at all. He's still a child, but he's engaging in adult behaviours well before an appropriate time. Having him turn up at home as late as he feels like is also not good. He might have all the swagger, and think he's tough, but he's extremely vulnerable to meeting all sorts of people who could treat him very badly.

I really wish you all the best. Parenting is not an easy job and every child is different. It's easy for people to say "tick him off more sternly and all will be well" but there appears to be lots to unravel before he'll get to the stage where he will be able to take the slightest thing on board at all. Underneath it all and for all the swagger he puts on things, he's an unhappy young boy and he needs more help, you all do.

Young offenders prisons are full of boys like your child. With parents who think other children are just the same, and that think they cannot control their child. You need to go back to your GP for another referral to CAMHS and this time tell them about the weed. You either get tough with him now, or start thinking about how you will visit him when he's been given a prison sentence. I may sound dramatic, but this is the real truth of the matter with young boys and substance abuse.

Keep talking to him and telling him you love him. Cuddle him if he will let you. Tell him how happy you are that you are able to talk to him and that you miss him. Tell him how much you wanted him when he was born and how you want the best future for him. You NEED him to be good because life is hard at the moment and his behaviour is making it harder.
Tell him that you believe that things can change and life can be good if he wants it to be, he can still have a happy future.
Ask him about his dreams and ambitions, ask him about his worries and anxieties- talk through them together. Find some common ground.
Explain that you are quite glad you've found this stuff in his room because it's brought this all to a head and you realised you may be failing him and you are both in a bad pattern of arguing, fighting and not listening.
Be calm, be kind and listen to what he is trying to tell you.
Put plans and house rules in place, together, in a few days when everything's has calmed down a bit. He can get pocket money and Wi-fi if he abides by the rules - he can continue to live in your home with a nice room and a warm bed if he lives by the same house rules as you all do (which includes no weed in the house!)
All boys love their mums really - your wee boy is still in there he just needs someone to understand him and help him to keep calm.
One step at a time, keep calm, keep talking and show the love

Op have you tired social care? Some youth offending teams are based in the early help section at the council and work with unconvicted kids on a preventative basis.

Seriously, you need to step up now however drained you feel. This is your child who at 12 is god knows where with god knows who? I'm not sure how it got to the point where a badly behaved/ problematic/ troubles 8-9 year old got the privileges he did to be allowed to (at whatever stage before age 12) go off freely without parental supervision, but I would say in the absence of him having self control, you need to be putting some external controls in place to protect him. He's still a child and at risk of being exploited and ultimately in the hands of the criminal justice system. I'm sorry, I'm not criticising. I'm just astounded by your response to finding drugs in your 12 year olds bag and although it's great you feel you're getting somewhere with your chat with him, I'm wondering what next? What when he wants to go out tomorrow?

Glad you've got him back tonight, hope you can get a good rest. I don't know how it works in the UK but could he get a social worker? They would know of any services that could help him (and you).

It doesn’t matter how common it is - I work with care leavers and other young people who all started smoking cannabis to relieve anxiety and depression. I struggle daily because of dual diagnosis - nobody will help them with the mental health issues they have because it’s too easy to say it’s just the cannabis.

I work with 18 year olds with severe paranoia, even psychosis because they began self medicating at 12,13 and 14.

You cannot and must not minimise this OP. You need help, either from social care or if you can afford it, private counselling. CAHMS are woeful unfortunately.

I cannot stress enough how important it is that you get a handle on this now, no matter how hard it is. I don’t doubt you’ve tried your best but if ever your son needs parenting it’s now.

thanks Rosieposy, I do think a lot of parents on here are a little naive and maybe don't realise it is unfortunately very common.

I won't be moving his school, I would rather home school him than have him to go another school.

Although his head of year and head of behaviour are really nice and supportive, during his day to day classes most of his teachers just see him as the naughty kid and it's like they are waiting for him to be a bit disruptive so they can get rid of him by subject parking him. The also can't cope with being shouted at, although I don't know why he can't just accept that it's not personal and that's the way it is.

He's just not learning anything through his own fault and then suffering anxiety and he can't so the work so it's a vicious cycle we can't seem to break.

I worry about his education but for me right now my priority is building a better relationship and trying to fix his emotional issues.

we are now on first terms with the receptionist at the school who says he's done a runner again! I don;t think he'll ever be academic or do well in school, but maybe he does have a learning disability such as dyslexia - maybe I'll pursue that.

Marie - I had a bad time with DS, he was older, 15/16. I wouldn't give up and always told him I cared about him. He's now adult with a partner and a job. He's a good dad to his children.
He had me in tears of despair most days and ran wild with boys from a children's home. He was involved a little with drugs and obsessed by fruit machines.
Do get advice from social workers, youth charities, and police about your son's drug use. I've seen older boys sending off younger boys, sometimes on scooters, to deliver their drugs, shocking and distressing.
You have so much to deal with, you need all the support you can find. Good luck.

Op what area are you in (roughly) I know quite a few very helpful agencies.

This probably won't sound great but DD being permanently excluded was the best thing that happened for her. She was moved to a behaviour specialist school with only 18 other students and 30 plus staff, her learning needs were at last met, they understood her, build a relationship and didn't hold grudges, they were amazing and incredibly patient.

No OP the other parents are not naive but they don’t have the ‘oh well other kids are doing it’ attitude. I wish you luck and look into getting support for yourself also as it’s going to be tough, you’ve had some really useful advice on here.

Op, parents here are not being naive. But they have their 10-13 year olds safe in the house with them, out for dinner, visiting family, at the beach or at the country park with them having a walk with the dogs, so they know exactly what they're doing. In fact, rightly or wrongly, most kids of that age have headphones on attached to a YouTube video, not out at parks until 10pm. Your relationship is important, yes. I get that you're wanting to develop that. But please don't miss any of the advice given re professional help and putting some control measures in place now to protect your child from the c j s. I work in this field and believe me, it's no life for him or his family

Op I have two older teenagers who are no angels so I can't be considered naive but they were certainly not behaving like that at that age. Runbeer's post is a pretty accurate description of your average 12/13 year old. I don't want to be harsh but your low expectations are part of the problem.

If you were being really honest with yourself you have allowed your son far more freedom to go out to all hours ( Well beyond what most parents would allow at this age) because you are struggling so much with your younger autistic son. You probably needed far more support years ago.
So your son went out into the world which was fine with you, a break from his violence and abuse ( maybe because his needs were and are constantly over looked) he lost his parents and self medicated with a bunch of undesirables that were more than happy to accept such a young kid spotting the opportunity.

Your younger son is not more worthy of your support, yes he had needs but both children need you.

You have one chance to fix this, it is not too late, but your younger son needs to take a back seat now.

Marie I think you've done really well this evening. Massively difficult to keep your cool when you've had such a shock! You've opened up communication about the situation without making him feel threatened and backed into a corner and let him know that you're there to help. Well done! I hope you had some of those chips, you deserve them

Most 12-13 year old are not out in the evenings on their own, or with gangs. They are at home with family, at the sports club or making dinner with their family, snap chatting friends or hanging out and doing sleepovers.
They are not
As a rule in parks taking drugs.

You can change this in a heartbeat, but you have to want to change it, and this is the crux of it.
I am in therapy for being left in parks and on street corners at your sons age. The horrors that you see, the danger and insecurity never leaves you. The drugs, abuse and lawlessness is a way of life. It doesn’t have to be this way.
I just wanted my parents to care enough to bring me home and back into their lives. They never did, didn’t have the energy. I won’t worry you with the ending ( it was the stifff of nightmares) but please just find it in yourself to follow through and show you care.