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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

My 12 year old son is smoking weed

277 replies

Marie0 · 03/08/2018 17:24

Just been tidying my son's room (he's out) and found in his man bag a lighter, almost empty packet of rizlas with most if the cardboard being stripped off (presumably used for roaches) and a small empty plastic bag with a motif of a marijuana plant on.

I feel so disappointed by don't want to rant and rave at him as I think this will push him more to do this. (He's really defiant and aggressive and does what he wants anyway)

It's his 13th birthday on Monday and this is a real dampner.

Anyone got any experience of how to deal with this please?

thank you

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 05/08/2018 13:04

The mother of this girl who didn’t see any problem having an underage boy staying overnight with her dd without any permission - I wouldn’t hold out too much hope that she’ll be a great influence

BakedBeans47 · 05/08/2018 13:06

Get him a cheap phone he can only use for calls and texts.

My eldest has a smartphone. He’s also 12. I look through it on a daily basis. He’s been told that at 12 he should have no expectation of privacy in his communications. If he tried to stop me looking at it the phone would be taken away and replaced with a cheapo

Original poster
Marie0 · 05/08/2018 13:07

Thank you knotdwspper - I agree his behaviour isn’t normal and we do need help. I do also think he had / has a problem with his younger brother as he has so much more going on when they were little - and it doesn’t matter how much effort I make with my son or how much I tell him I love him he simply rejects me constantly.

He was down for counselling in school but then refused at the last minute which despite agreeing with us beforehand just decided he wouldn’t go which infuriated me as I had no control over this - it’s got to be his decision.

I would like us to go for therapy but when I’ve mentioned it he has refused- he won’t talk about anything remotely sensitive either to me or in front of me. I’m hanging in over the summer as he likes his youth worker and is therefore more likely to open up to him.

School have also confirmed he’s top of the list to see ed psychologist so hopefully that will lead to a referral to cahms / therapy or whatever- in the meantime I need to make him realise that there is a problem without freaking him out and persuade him that we need to tackle this as a family.

I really hope we can find something or someone he will respond to.

OP posts:
PolkerrisBeach · 05/08/2018 13:22

OP you're having a tough time but I think you've lost all perspective on what's normal teenage behaviour.

I have a child of almost identical age - she's 13 in a couple of weeks. None of her friends are staying out without their parents knowing where they are, none are smoking tobacco never mind anything else, none are having sex. None are telling their teachers to fuck off.

You have VERY serious issues here and you need to start realising that if you don't do something quickly to get help with this, that your 13 year old will be in a whole lot of trouble and headed for a life in and out of trouble with the police.

FruitCider · 05/08/2018 13:23

Why’s that interesting?

Because it indicates you don't want to talk about it, or don't understand the link between childhood experiences and parenting as an adult...

FruitCider · 05/08/2018 13:24

Everything you've written says to me that he might have borderline personality disorder

I disagree, my feeling is conduct disorder.

Original poster
Marie0 · 05/08/2018 13:27

Yes has admitted to me he is angry all of the time. He also doesn’t seem to understand the gravity of recent behaviours - although this is probably immaturity. He’s extremely intense and volatile and can go from slamming doors in my face and telling me he wishes ‘I would kill myself’ or ‘go and die in a hole’ to a few minutes later acting as if nothing has just happened with ‘hey mum what u up to?’ - when I look at him confused he just shrugs as if the previous confrontation didn’t happen - that’s really worrying me as well. At least I still have a sense of humour as we have been told to try and concentrate on any glimmers of good behaviour which is of course virtually impossible- he asked if he could have a KFC the other day and I said ‘well I don’t think so as you haven’t behaved that well’ to which he responded ‘what do you mean? I haven’t called you a dick head for at least a day!’ - I didn’t buy him a kFC but did smirk to myself- is that really in his mind behaving lol??

OP posts:
Lyinglow50 · 05/08/2018 13:28

Marie I've been in your shoes and my heart goes out to you. Your son is not just bold he has got something wrong with him. Normal discipline isn't going to be effective. You are doing your best in an extremely difficult situation. Most young people don't behave like this and when the do it is generally a sign of a problem.

My DD was very similar to your son. I was at my wits end. She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 18 and everything finally made sense.

She is on medication and is doing well. Nobody is the perfect parent. Until you get the right treatment for your son try to be as nice to him as you possibly can. Punishments didn't work for my daughter. She wasn't well.

Try to be calm and turn a blind eye to most of it. Things won't change massively but you can change your reaction. I saw a counsellor who taught me how to communicate better and stop walking myself into a row. You need support too. See your GP about it.

I think it was unkind of some posters to criticise you but they probably have no experience of what we've been through.

Best wishes I hope things improve. Flowers

Original poster
Marie0 · 05/08/2018 13:31

Fruit cider - yes I agree there’s probably a link between my own experiences and being a parent now. I don’t think it’s something I do feel comfortable with- except for the fact that I admit I’m probably massively over compensating with ensuring he feels loved and knows that I’m approachable

OP posts:
Original poster
Marie0 · 05/08/2018 13:35

I’m sorry if this is a really dumb question but are mental illnesses hereditary - I think they are - but was also wondering if personality characteristics are in ones genes? It’s just there’s mental illness in my side of the family and his dad has always had a massive problem with authority

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Original poster
Marie0 · 05/08/2018 13:37

Thank you lyinglo

Despite everything I’m a positive person so believe one day we might all be ‘normal’ Smile

OP posts:
Lyinglow50 · 05/08/2018 13:39

It's not a dumb question and yes, mental illness can be inherited.

Sometimes living with a close relative can cause mental health problems.

Lyinglow50 · 05/08/2018 13:41

I meant to say 'living with a close relative who has a mental health illness' ...

Runninglateeveryday · 05/08/2018 14:11

Sorry to bring a bit of doom but camhs etc will most likely bring not much to the plate. DD has a few diagnoses but does it make the slightest difference -no. They have to want to engage and DD point blank refused any talking therapy or support in school.

Children aren't diagnosed with personality disorder , rarely it can be "emerging" personality disorder, usually if they have been sectioned but a 12 year old would not get this diagnosis.

I expect you've already tried this but go ott on anything good he does , however small, notice it , praise and reward. With kids like this it's pretty much always negative and they come to expect that.

Original poster
Marie0 · 05/08/2018 14:22

Running
I don’t really have any expectations of cahms as we used them with our youngest and we got lost in the system twice

I think it’s important what you say about praising- I found myself saying ‘well done for being so polite and co-operative with the police officers yesterday’ and ‘thank you for putting your trainers away’ - but even then I still get a scowl or a ‘go away - stop talking to me’ response

Hey ho just gotta keep at it! Exhausting as it is!

OP posts:
FruitCider · 05/08/2018 14:44

Mental illnesses are not really thought be heridatory, though if you look at zubin and springs stress vulnerability model it outlines that genes can play a factor in our baseline stress tolerance, though the majority of the factors are thought to be psychosocial - that's why I asked you about your own experiences of being parented.

It wasn't an irrelevant question, it appears that you either had parenting with no boundaries or were emotional stifled as a child, which is why you have loose boundaries with your own son. I think your own experiences were probably so far fetched from what is deemed to be the norm that you don't really understand or comprehend what normal parenting is, hence your eye rolling and dismissiveness when others suggest taking control.

The problems you are having your son are far deeper than him, in order to help him you probably need to explore your own younger years to discover why you choose to parent the way you do.

I know this sounds completely wishy washy but I was very much neglected as a child and have massive problems playing imagination games with my own child - this is because my parents never did that with me, and they in turn were neglected by their own parents.

knotswapper · 05/08/2018 15:14

Fruitcider - I'm more than happy to agree with you. I'm not in any position to diagnose but would you agree that a psychologist would be helpful if that were possible?

knotswapper · 05/08/2018 15:28

Sorry, my answer based on your post from 13:24, not later ones.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 05/08/2018 16:32

I’d imagine that his father having “a massive problem with authority” (how does that manifest itself, I wonder?) has a very large bearing on how your son behaves.
How could it not?

Squeegle · 05/08/2018 17:13

My DS is similar to yours. His father also has a problem with authority. My DS has been diagnosed with adhd - his father thinks he also had had it too. Going to Camhs has helped us; not just cos of the medication but because of the way it has enabled my DS to see that some of his anger and impulsivity is down to the way his brain works. He has also been experimenting with weed. I also do not like it, but to all of those saying be a parent I’d just like to say that short of imprisoning my DS in a cell, I cannot keep him in. Boys like this have tremendous energy and stubbornness and the only way to keep them in is if they want to. Hopefully at the age of 12 he is a bit more malleable but nevertheless these boys are a challenge. I do sympathise. I would have him assessed by Camhs as you need some support .

FruitCider · 05/08/2018 17:49

Fruitcider - I'm more than happy to agree with you. I'm not in any position to diagnose but would you agree that a psychologist would be helpful if that were possible?

I actually think a referral to an EI team for formulation and intensive family work/therapy would be useful but I'm sure they will not assess until 14, so yes camhs assessment with psychologist for formulation would be helpful.

I'm not in a position to diagnose either - you can't diagnose over the internet but I work with young men with histories of conduct disorder and it just jumps out at me Smile

Original poster
Marie0 · 05/08/2018 18:07

Yes thanks Squeegle, like your ds I realise I cannot keep him in doors hence why we’ve gone a bit ott with the phone (plenty of data - find friends app)

Hey Lansgrey - I’m not sure my dh’s Authority problem has any bearing on my son - my DH’s Problems with authority were when he was growing before ds was around and now my DH works for himself from home so he’s not ‘told what to do’ by anyone else, so I don’t really this has impacted on my son

OP posts:
Original poster
Marie0 · 05/08/2018 18:09

Unless this problem could be in his genes which I don’t think is possible

OP posts:
PurpleShepNeedsToGoToBed · 05/08/2018 18:39

Patholigical demand avoidance

Original poster
Marie0 · 05/08/2018 19:11

Yes I agree PDA - just reading about it on the national autistic society website, especially the symptoms including control and anxiety. I’ve ordered ‘the explosive child’ from Amazon as another poster recommended.

Feel relieved in a way (I am positive he has PDA) but a bit shit for over looking the possibility there was something wrong all this time. (He’s shown these symptoms of anxiety, defiance and control since he was 7or 8). I was so wrapped up with my other son (ds2) having melt downs I just thought he (ds1) was a naughty child 😐

Guess I’ll need to make a few changes - hopefully this book will have some good ideas on how to deal with him.

OP posts: