have finally thrown out 17 year old and actually feel relieved.

[ccmms]

What it says on the tin. Have struggled with ds since he was about 13 and have tolerated/tried to pick my battles with regards to abusive attitude, laziness, selfishness, entitledness, drinking, weed, money going missing, disregarding any rules i tried to enforce regarding my house, not paying board etc etc. Did all the usual stopping wifi, not giving any money, trying to enforce basic house rules but to no avail. Have always said that drug dealing was a line I was not prepared to cross, so when i recently found out he has been selling weed I have finally had enough and put him out. And im not sorry to say that i feel relieved. That I can now maybe not dread coming home. Obviously i worry for ds but he is old enough now to make his own decisions (and clearly has no intention of listening to me or anyone else sensible) so he will have to find his own way and I certainly hope he will come out the other side a better person.

It sounds like it was the right decision since the issues went in for a long time and not improving. I hope you also tried the other usual... talking to them, trying to understand the reasons for behaviour, making sure they felt loved and engaging other agencies for external support.

I tried everything, especially the ones you have highlighted and it did nothing to alter his behaviour. Actually, I would say trying to speak to him and reassure him and let him know he was loved and supported only encouraged his shitty behaviour as he got the impression he could do whatever he wanted and there would be no hard repercussions. I sought outside help but the reality is ds didnt want to engage in any of it so it was pointless. If anything, I wish I was a lot harder on him when he was younger.

Well that’s great leaving a 17 year old to fend for himself. Give yourself a pat on the back. Not just your home though is it, it is also his.

Yes user but at what point does consequences for ds behaviour come in? I am sure he is welcome back if he can abide by basic rules/standards like behaving legally!

Why didn't you call the police if he's dealing drugs and let him have the consequences that way, rather than denying him a home and undoubtedly sending him further on the path to drug abuse?
What happened to him at 13 to make him go this way?

user1457017537 - so what did you do with your out of control 17yr old?

That’s all well and good but where has he gone? At 17 his options are very limited and he is still a minor. He may be a pain in the arse, but he is your responsibility. Now that you’ve washed your hands of that and sent him out into society, what now?

Where is he living? How is he eating? Is he ‘sofa surfing’ now and relying on the generosity of other people (some of whom may well drag him further down this rabbit hole)?

I have worked with young people whose relationships at home have broken down (seemingly) irrevocably and those who have had ‘arms length’ support from family (families who have worked together to find YMCA or similar placements for the teen, working with other agencies such as SS & police) have done better than those who have been ‘kicked out’ and given the ‘NC’ treatment (‘come back when you’ve got your shit together’ type arrangement).

I feel for you, parenting a challenging young person cannot be easy and I don’t know you and your exact situation, so cannot comment directly on it. However, he (and you) is more likely to ‘come out the other side’ of this if he has your support and you both have access to professional support.

Ime I would try to keep in touch with ds. Even if he doesn't text back. I was estranged from ds during my divorce, bare minimum contact for about 2years, verbal abuse, my car damaged, vicious texts.
The year he was due to holiday abroad at 18 I text to tell him to take care, I was still his dm etc. He had started to sort his life out and made contact. Slowly we rebuilt our relationship. At 26 now with a ds he is an absolutely fab ds /df.
For your own sake also don't shut that door permanently.

So sorry you are going through this OP. I did something similar with my ds when he was 16, only i sent him to live with a relative 200 miles away. I was lucky I had that option, I'm guessing you don't. I totally appreciate how you have got to this point, i also used to dread going home. My ds did sort himself out and has gone on to do well for himself.

For those who wish to criticise, the OP's ds made himself homeless by choice. He chose to take drugs, deal in drugs, steal lie etc.. He can always choose to stop all that and live with OP again. Growing up is about making difficult choices.

Why was he having to pay board? How? He's a minor, where has he gone?

I'm conflicted about this. I can appreciate the stress you've been under. On the other hand he's 17. The only way for him is down now. And with no home to go to, no parental support, he might go off the rails really badly.

Where is he now?

As somebody who was kicked out by my mother at 17 I can assure you that you've done the wrong thing. Issues with his behaviour should be tackled and parented - not washed away.
I haven't spoken to my mom for 14 years as a result. She should have been there and she wasn't.

Yes I was a little shit - but there are reasons behind why I acted the way I did and she was half of the problem. Your post is repulsive to me

I don't think anyone who isn't/hasn't been in this position has the right to try and make the OP feel bad. We have absolutely no idea what day-to-day life with him might have been like.

If he wants to act the big man, he can act the big man. I'm sure he's not an idiot and he was warned that dealing drugs was the absolute line for OP. He decided to anyway, so he only has him self to blame for making shit choices. I'm sure if he were dealing drugs to your kids, you might have a different opinion on 'poor ds'

OP I think you did the right thing. Hopefully a few nights on a mates sofa night bring him to his senses and he'll come back with his tail between his legs and beg for a second chance. If he doesn't, then nothing you would have done would have changed his mind anyway.

I have to wonder sometimes on MN, are you seriously saying you would put up with basically anything and everything just because they're your kids? Is there nowhere you would draw the line? Calling the police on him drug dealing = criminal record, even less prospects for the kid and then this will be 'all your fault'.

As for those saying it's his home as well, it is, but only if he respects it surely?! What are we teaching kids if they do what the fuck they want, when they want. We continue to provide bed and board and they learn what?!

Where has he gone?

@picklepickle23 you can't tell her 100% she has done the wrong thing. You've not said what you did at that age for comparison? Did your mum give you warnings? You say you've not spoken in 14years (I'm guessing since you were thrown out), but have you turned your life around??

I was wondering what you meant by paying board at 17. I haven’t heard that term in a long time as these days 17 year olds are generally in education or training.

Anyone who is projecting from their own experience - you have no idea whether the OP's circumstances are similar to your own. You can't judge based on what happened to you and who or what your mother was, OP could be a fantastic mother with a DS who just won't be 'parented'

You should really call him and ask him to Co r home so that you can actually help him. How would you feel if he was found dead under a bridge or something? You've made a terrible mistake, he's your son, call him and find a way to help him.

You are a very brave lady posting this on here as the responses will all come from very personal angles and you will be judged.

It must have been a very tough few years for you, hopefully you will be able to keep in touch and help him to get the help from the outside agencies that Sporking suggested.

I think in the mean time you have done the right thing, good luck.

Thanks for the helpful replies. The judgemental ones or people telling me I am wrong, not so much, especially those who cant even be bothered to think of an username. He pays board because he left school at the end of 4th year aged 15 (the school were happy to see the back of him). I managed to get him an apprenticeship, and since he was getting paid he was asked to make a contribution to the house (which doesnt cover anywhere what he uses or eats but thats not the point). Also, im not in England so 17 is considered an adult, not a minor. Dont think of myself as a fantastic mother nor am i a bad mother, im just a normal mother like the majority of people. Ds had a happy (and relatively privileged) upbringing and was problem free until he was about 13 and got into the wrong crowd and it has been downhill from there. We have had outside help, but ultimately unless ds is willling to cooperate it is a waste of time (which it was).I never said i was nc, only he is no longer welcome to stay in my house. He is at a close relatives at the moment temporarily and I have tried to help him by suggesting he apply for council housing (possible where i live). However he has no intention of doing so (i suspect in the mistaken belief that he will be allowed back home after a few days. However he has been asked to leave a couple of times in the last year when his behaviour has escalated and on his return after a few days, its business as usual with him. We are taking a tough stance this time). Have also just discovered he has been taking (in my home) and dealing coke. I have another dc to consider as well, and this reinforces that I have made the right decision. @racecar, what exactly do you suggest i do to 'help' him considering that he doesnt feel he has done anything wrong? @pickle you clearly have your own personal issues and are projecting, they have nothing to do with me or my son.

That’s a very difficult situation to be in OP and you do have to consider the impact on siblings. Sorry to hear about all this that your family have been through including DS , no advice, just

I sympathise with you and don't judge you, but I do wonder how this will help him change. Surely he's more likely to get deeper into the world of selling drugs, petty crime and violence if he has to fend for himself on the streets? I'm not saying you should tolerate feeling afraid in your own home, and I know the resources out there for help are pitiful but I hope you are still in contact with him so he has the chance to change asap.

You know he is with a close relative, you do have another child to consider. You have had outside help. He is dealing coke, well you may find the police will take an interest there. I do not see what avenue is left to you to be honest.