have finally thrown out 17 year old and actually feel relieved.

[ccmms]

What it says on the tin. Have struggled with ds since he was about 13 and have tolerated/tried to pick my battles with regards to abusive attitude, laziness, selfishness, entitledness, drinking, weed, money going missing, disregarding any rules i tried to enforce regarding my house, not paying board etc etc. Did all the usual stopping wifi, not giving any money, trying to enforce basic house rules but to no avail. Have always said that drug dealing was a line I was not prepared to cross, so when i recently found out he has been selling weed I have finally had enough and put him out. And im not sorry to say that i feel relieved. That I can now maybe not dread coming home. Obviously i worry for ds but he is old enough now to make his own decisions (and clearly has no intention of listening to me or anyone else sensible) so he will have to find his own way and I certainly hope he will come out the other side a better person.

SuperHandbagWomen your post has brought me to tears. I've been thinking a lot about this thread. I think this subject provokes such emotional reactions from people - and I would previously have included myself in this - as it's almost too much to bear or contemplate that this could happen. In order to be in this situation, something must have "gone wrong" and as a defence mechanism and human nature I think we take a stance of "that won't happen if I do XYZ, so therefore the people who find themselves in such a situation can't have done XYZ." It's a way of distancing whereas, quite clearly posts from people such as poobumwee and Super remind us that, of course, it really is a case of there but for the grace of god, go I. Cannabis these days is a hell of a lot stronger than it used to be and on a still-developing brain it can be catastrophic.
to all those living in this.

Good post, Avon

Thanks, AF

PBW, AF & ACB many thanks and hugs to you all. Parenthood! It’s such a journey. I wish they could stay 4 years old, cute and controllable, well sort off 😉. We have moments of strength where we can keep our heads above water....and then for me the hormones kick in (I am 49 years old) and I feel tired and depressed and like we are failing.
I will keep fighting to bring him around. But I do sympathise with people who run out of fight. There is no manual and if there was we would all need different editions to accommodate the many types of personality we create. I am feeling a bit better now and ready to continue the challenge. I think I may need to reprogramme myself and learn to accept the fact that I cannot control my young adult but I can still try to educate him and I have to accept him, flaws and all. Strength to all if you on thus journey. Xx

Hugs. It can't have been easy to throw your child out. Don't keep the door shut permanently.

I really hate it when people turn up on posts like this to be completely judgemental, whiles also admitting to being little shits as teenagers and making their parent's life hell and then throw in they have gone NC. Sorry you are still a little shit.
Parents are not there to take every horrible thing you throw at them just because they gave birth to you. At 17 at the very least you should know basic kindness and following rules.

The people I know in real life who are like this, now have problem teenagers and get very puzzled when their children, who have grown up hearing their parents refuse to take responsibility for their own behaviour and blaming everything on their parents, do the same to them. Not every teenager's bad behaviour is their mother's fault.

Thanks Avon and Super for the helpful and sympathetic posts, and you have my sympathy in return, may one day our children turn a corner. We have had ds phoning us up demanding money over the weekend, which we declined. He wasnt happy.

I would like to point out that ds has had previous police intervention for previous behaviour and the impression from them (and a family friend who is a policeman) is (a) that unless they catch someone with a certain amount of class a drug on them and have solid proof that that person is dealing (not circumstantial) then they would only press charges for possession. I have never seen any drugs in my sons possession and everything else is circumstantial. The messages were on someone elses phone that was shown to me, I couldnt take screenshots and named my son by first name only. The scales and the little poly bags again could be explained away with any spurious rebuttal especially when there was no drugs present (im in no doubt what they were being used for though). Also police friend has said that actually if ds was somehow caught, proven and given a prison sentence this probably would be the worst thing in terms of trying to steer him away from that life as he would make new contacts and friends on the inside, that drugs are rife in prisons anyways and starting off life with a criminal record (however rightly he deserved it) would make getting a decent job near on impossible and more likely to send him back to drug dealing. So I do take all of that into consideration when dealing with my son.

Good for you refusing to give him money. On a happier note he cannot be a very successful dealer if he still needs the bank of mum and dad.

Is you son still working?

The reason I ask, if not, it will take six weeks to get signed on to Universal credit. Maybe you could invite him round for something to eat/ provide a food parcel to your relatives who are hosting him.

I can see both points of view.

I don't know the ds but everyone seems to think all people are good. Some men are criminals and have no empathy for their victims. These men were once teenagers.

Op says she will stay in contact so if he does have remourse then there is a future. I think moving so far away is great as his 'friends' are hugely integral. He needs new people around him. Even if he is one of the kind hearted criminals he is in a gang. Staying where he is I can't see how he would magically escape especially as the other gang members are intruding in the home.

You have my sympathy and I can really understand. I am on Mumsnet at 5:30am having been awake since 2am because of my own 17 year old son. I did not know he had slipped out tonight without telling us. I had put the chain on the door, so was woken at 2a.m by him wanting to get back in. He was out for at least three hours, heaven knows where. He smokes weed in the house, steals money if he can get his hands on my purse, is verbally abusive and kicks and slams doors, causing damage to the house. Nobody can know what it is like until worn down by years of abusive behaviour. I am the end of my tether too! The stress is affecting my health but I am fortunate that he does have some better times when he chats to me and is pleasant. Without that life would be impossible and I would seriously consider finding him somewhere else to live.

GigiEmma (and others have such a tough time). Very sorry to hear that! Gigi Like you, I still see the sweet young man who is in there, which gives me hope. My DH and I both had to shift our lenses to deal with our son. the last 2 years have been heartbreaking at times, and I NEVER expected to find ourselves in the position we have. Peer groups and falling in with the wrong crowd are such a tough one! our son had very low self esteem and he was desperate to fit in. So one group definitely took advantage of this in him. He got into trouble with the police etc. BUT thankfully he decided to stop mixing with this terrible group...and now avoids them at all costs. his ASD makes everything very black and white for him....so in this case, it went in our favour. My experience of our situation has definitely been finding the underlying cause of the behavior. We were able to understand alot of that was driving the behavior and support him accordingly. at times he is still vile -called his Dad a skinny c**t the other day, but we try not to rise to these situations wherever possible. Self care is so important and getting the right support from family or friends, just so you get some respite is vital. also setting boundaries. Good luck to all of those affected so badly x

I came looking for an answer to my issues with my DD but now I am more confused than ever. My DD has just been kicked out of school for being invoved in a drug deal (cannabis that another student bought in)
In fairness to the school this was the second time she had been caught and had no choice.

I have tried everything, She has had counselling, Banardos Uturn, CAMHS self esteem course (they will not take her under their wing despite two referrals and the doctor apparently can't help as it has to go through camhs). I have had the police talk to her over the past couple of years about her behaviour and where she would end up. I requested help from Social services who have closed their file 6 weeks ago saying that we are not requiring their service anymore. And she has had meetings with IRIS at school.

Tell me what I'm to do with a child who acts entitled and takes no responsibilty, lies and steals. I was looking at this thinking that give it 4 months when she turns 16 I will have to do the same and kick her out so that she has a reality check. This is obviously the absolute last resort. The more boundaries are enforced THE MORE TROUBLE SHE GETS IN TOO.
Someone give me an epiphany.

@ccmms My heart goes out to you.

I would contact the council and get her name down for supported accommodation- tell them that you are unable to cope with her and what will they have coming up, that way when she turns 16 a bed may be available and would avoid her being put unsupported into a B and B