have finally thrown out 17 year old and actually feel relieved.

[ccmms]

What it says on the tin. Have struggled with ds since he was about 13 and have tolerated/tried to pick my battles with regards to abusive attitude, laziness, selfishness, entitledness, drinking, weed, money going missing, disregarding any rules i tried to enforce regarding my house, not paying board etc etc. Did all the usual stopping wifi, not giving any money, trying to enforce basic house rules but to no avail. Have always said that drug dealing was a line I was not prepared to cross, so when i recently found out he has been selling weed I have finally had enough and put him out. And im not sorry to say that i feel relieved. That I can now maybe not dread coming home. Obviously i worry for ds but he is old enough now to make his own decisions (and clearly has no intention of listening to me or anyone else sensible) so he will have to find his own way and I certainly hope he will come out the other side a better person.

He could probably go into a care home for looked after children. They take up to 18 years of age

I’m guessing you’re in Ireland since you mention 4th year in school.

So what are you on about re: 17 being an adult? It’s 18, just like in the UK.

lazy, selfish, entitled

Two observations here OP.

1. He's a teenager. A surprising number tick those three boxes. Very few get kicked out by their parents.

1. What did you do as he was growing up to prevent him becoming those things? Do you take any responsibility here or is it all down to him?

OP,
Your responded to my comment with it would be 'illogical nonsense' that some of us believe your ds will highly likely go on more of a down ward spiral, now he's on his own,is ignorant and rude.
YOU chose to start a thread on here, so you should expect a diversity of responses and you're retaliating against people with the same opinion as me.
You say that I 'assume' your ds wants to go on the straight and narrow when he does not. How do you know he will not eventually want to turn his life around?
Also, you don't KNOW that he's dealing in coke, yet you've chosen to throw him out anyway. You could have reported him to the Police with your suspicions and let them decide what to do. You didn't do this.

Instead, you're argument is that your ds will make everyone in your family suffer if you let him stay home.
That has angered me. What about the fact that now he's left to his own devices, he could get into serious trouble and his actions could make OTHER families suffer?
Have you thought of that? ... no I don't suppose you have, as long as he's out of your hair eh?

No judgement here op just to say it must have been an awful time for you to have had to make such a difficult decision. I hope things work out for you all

User- at 17 it is highly unlikely he will go into a care home. What will happen will be he will float about at friends/ relatives houses until they get sick of him. He will then present as homeless. Homeless unit will either if he is very lucky place him in supported accommodation (hostel/ possibly a shared flat but less likely), if no beds he will be put in a B and B with no support and no cooking facilities. He will then need to go and sign on and try and get housing benefit sorted which if left to do himself if in a B and B will be a disaster and he will have to wait six weeks. He will be on IS most likely because of his age but get sanctioned as if he is as out of control as the OP is saying he won’t meet his claimant commitment and have benefits sanctioned and will be sent off to the food bank. If in a hostel there is a really good chance he will get to befriend a pile of other young people even more chaotic than he is. Some will be threatening. Some will try and exploit him. Some will try and get him to sell drugs/ stolen goods. It is comply to survive. He probably will get evicted if OP is again correct in her summary and the whole merry go round starts again- sofa surfing as intentionally homeless, B and B, benefit disasters. But hey- this is all bound to make any 17 year old who doesn’t want to do what mum and dad say get his act together.....

So you have no proof that he's dealing drugs but you've kicked him out for it? Sounds to me like you just wanted rid of him tbh.

I have no proof that will stand up in a Court of Law. But I have enough to make me believe he was dealing. Several trusted people who have no reason to lie, including his older sibling, uncovered a few home truths. And there was other things, that i wont mention on here as it would be outing, that are circumstancial but when confronted with them, ds didnt deny it, just shrugged his shoulders.his actions could make OTHER families suffer well i would hope no one has to go through what we have went through but Im not responsible for what another working 6'4' adult does. I cant stop him, only protect the rest of my family. And in the eyes of the law he is an adult. And if you disagree because he is only 17, he is 29 days away from being 18. Again thanks everyone that has offered support. Everyone else i dont really care what you have to say as I guess its easy to sit and pass judgement on a situation your not having to endure. Which makes theses sort of people cunty twats imo.

My friend did this and got ripped to shreds by the sons dad/family she was this that and the other yet they did nothing to help her she was at her wits end she had people knocking at the door looking for him and threating my friends. 10 years later he is better and not up to what he used to be. You have done the sensible thing he has to want to change you can't make him.

OP- I can assure you I am not a ‘cunty twat’- I work in youth homelessness, and I am telling you that your approach is not the way forward. If he is working he probably won’t be entitled to housing benefit. The chances of him then sustaining a job are slim as he will realise he is better off not in work and then he becomes more and more high tariff.
Your tone is one of aggression and blame of your son. Have you ever reflected on what is actually driving the behaviour?? He may well be about to turn 18 but that doesn’t mean he is emotionally mature. You say he has no nice friends- chaotic unhappy people tend to be drawn to other people like them selves. What do you think has made him be unable to form positive friendships?
I suggest you go and get some proper help yourself and think about how you plan to repair your relationship with your son, rather than simply handing him over to ‘the system’ to try and sort out- it rarely rarely works and he will come out more damaged than he went in.

The only way having him out of the house will have any way of working is if you are there alongside supporting him and engaging in family mediation and not just walking away.

All these judgemental people that haven't walked a mile in op's shoes

floosie if you work in youth homelessness then you probably know how challanging these young people can be ? Nobody wants their 17 year old to be a drug dealer and upsetting homelife I am sure the Op has been questioning where it all went wrong no need to tell her what a shite parent she is.

Yes I absolutely do know how challenging teens are- but I also think she is being unrealistic if she thinks chucking him out will suddenly make him wise up. My concern is that she did something rash rather than move him out in a planned way with social work/ Housing/ other voluntary sector organisations support and has effectively escalated his difficulties. And then come on here saying how relieved she is while already over stretched services attempt to pick up the pieces. We are in a homeless crisis- hundreds of people a night are in B and Bs across the UK. Did she attempt to help him find a sustainable tenancy and say sorry son, we can’t manage you staying here anymore, let’s see what the other options are? Seventeen is incredibly young- almost a legal adult or not. The reality is that in my area about 50% of these kids who are thrown out end up back at home anyway.

And if she thinks his drug dealing is an issue now just wait until he is in a hostel in a crap area with access to all kinds of narcotics.

What should people say then Mrsjayy? "Well done OP- at least you're rid of your son now?". Should we congratulate her on her decision to throw a vulnerable young man out onto the street? Because make no mistake, he is vulnerable and is now undoubtedly at the start of a downward spiral. As parents, we have to take responsibility for the actions of our children because we, as parents, will have had a part to play in shaping them. Unless of course the OP believes he was "born bad". To be honest, it's rare to find a troubled teen who doesn't have a troubled home life. I speak from the experience of someone who works with them by the way.

There is a balance between "well done" and you are a terrible parent. He is 17 she has by reading her post tried everything what else could she do it sounds like she has run out of options and he isn't on the street he is at a relatives house sounds like the op needs some breathing space.

she has by reading her post tried everything

I disagree with that completely. There has been huge amounts of advice from others about what she could have done and what the OP has done hasn't come close.

What exactly has she done? she says she has tried everything but given no specifics. He has been challenging since 13- five years is a long time. Who did the OP speak to for support? What referrals were made? Staying at a relatives house isn’t sustainable- how are they going to deal with all this challenging behaviour?

It seems that OP has at least two other DC, neither of whom are in trouble and one of whom is still at home. And the latter needs safeguarding from dealing/drug use in his home.

There isn't an easy answer here, and I find it hard to believe that people think OP is unaware of the gravity if what she is doing, nor of the need for input from support services (which as she said from the outset, her second post, has included various agencies).

OP: I was wondering how things are going a couple of days in.

If she was genuinely concerned the post would have have been ‘my 17 year old son is being really challenging. I think he is using and dealing drugs. It is causing a huge amount of strain in the house and impacting on my family. I don’t think we can manage him living here anymore. What should we do to get a happier home life whilst also making sure he is getting the best outcome for him?’

If she was genuinely concerned the post would have have been ‘my 17 year old son is being really challenging

Oh rubbish, we don’t all act the same way.

I was fortunate in that when ds (17] was acting like twat I could send him to his df. There’s no way I would have posted about it here because I would have got a pasting. Friends were all supportive though, and in the end it gave him the shock he needed. (Not immediately/several mths later)

You’re doing the right thing op, but do stay in touch with him regularly and tell him he is loved, etc.

He isn’t at his fathers though.

He’s at a relatives though.

It isn’t the same thing at all! Neither parent is looking after him. He has been sent to another family who have told the OP they have already witnessed his challenging behaviour! why on earth will they or should they put up with it if his own parents won’t? It will now break down and he will be in temporary accommodation he will have to pay for at a much higher rate than a normal tenancy. OP says she told him to put his name on a council list- why on earth did she not actually physically do it with him? I have met very few stoned 17 year olds who will take the initiative to go and do this. She is behaving as if he is a capable adult- he probably isn’t- he is an adolescent boy whose life is a mess, whose parents have bucked him out, surrounded by other adolescents in the same boat. Next step will be one of his pals will get a flat which then becomes a doss house (if this hasn’t already happened), and the anti social behaviour continues potentially leading to criminal charges. I am genuinely baffled that people think chucking him out is a positive solution.