have finally thrown out 17 year old and actually feel relieved.

[ccmms]

What it says on the tin. Have struggled with ds since he was about 13 and have tolerated/tried to pick my battles with regards to abusive attitude, laziness, selfishness, entitledness, drinking, weed, money going missing, disregarding any rules i tried to enforce regarding my house, not paying board etc etc. Did all the usual stopping wifi, not giving any money, trying to enforce basic house rules but to no avail. Have always said that drug dealing was a line I was not prepared to cross, so when i recently found out he has been selling weed I have finally had enough and put him out. And im not sorry to say that i feel relieved. That I can now maybe not dread coming home. Obviously i worry for ds but he is old enough now to make his own decisions (and clearly has no intention of listening to me or anyone else sensible) so he will have to find his own way and I certainly hope he will come out the other side a better person.

I have came to the sad acceptance that the only person who can change ds attitude and behaviour is himself. Not me, not his dad, not close family, he doesnt have any decent friends so none of them, not outside help not that there is much anyway. And I have the option of the rest of the family living in turmoil tolerating ds appalling behaviour (with no end in sight) or the majority of the family having a semi normal life with no ds. Ds living at home does not guarantee his behaviour will not worsen, only that everyone else in the house is subjected to it.

You have to safeguard your other DC, who shouid be able to live in a home that is not used for dealing class A drugs.

How long can DS live where he is currently staying? What wouid be the right interventions and support, now that he poses too much is a risk of harm in your household?

Because I tend to agree that everything shouid be done to avoid him concluding (wrongly) that you do not care, but instead bring him to the realisation that he cannot deal drugs from a house where other DC live, and indeed that he shouid not deal at all. Does he use?

I think you are brave, and sounding a bit more positive about the decision than you actually are and this is totally understandable.
None of us can be sure about the answer to ‘solve’ DS’s issues. All I can offer is reassurance you have done what you believe to be right for him and the rest of your family at this time.
Hope things can be resolved in time and

He smokes weed, and if he is dealing coke I assume he is taking it too.

Just an anecdote, but DP was kicked out at 16 for being a theiving druggy little shit and has a great relationships with his parents now. Yes he did sleep rough, fall in with bad people, had terrible things happen to him, but it taught him a lot about actions and consequences and you’re right - only your son can change his own attitude. He doesn’t have the right to make your family suffer. I really hope he comes around, but it may take some time.

How tough for you. You did the right thing. There is only so much you and your family can take. You left the door open for him and yes... Only he can change himself

Sounds like a tough but necessary decision OP.

if anything, kicking him is out is going to lead his life on a downhill path. he isnt going to suddenly sort himself out, especially knowing his own mother asked him to leave.

@esk1mo, Im quite aware that asking to leave gives him the option to continue his behaviour. Or that it may worsen. However those are equally as likely to be the outcomes if I let him home. The only difference is that if he is at home, then the rest of my family suffers. Im not sure why people think that by letting him home he may somehow have an epiphany and decide to be a decent human being more than actually having to face the direct consequences to himself as a result of his behaviour.

Exactly @ccmms, he won't. If anything, it's enabling the behaviour by allowing him back unless he could unequivocally prove he had out this all behind him. If he continues down this path of destruction, he will only have himself to blame. However he may blame you, like someone else on here that clearly still hasn't accepted responsibility for their actions. From the sounds of it, you have done everything you could and more to try and turn this around. Good luck op

Thank you @causeimunderyourspell.

My heart aches for you - this couldn't have been easy for you - but you have done the right thing, I think.

He was destroying you as well as himself. You could both have ended up in jail. Hopefully this will be the wake-up call he needs - your love and support have enabled him to continue his bad behaviour in the knowledge that you will always be there to pick him up.

Someone asked what happened when he was 13 to make him turn out like this - and maybe there was something, but sometimes there is no reason; the child just behaves badly because s/he likes the "freedom" it gives them, and they want to have everything their own way.

I hope that things are easier for you now OP.

I sympathise- you didn’t really have much choice...

As long as you let him know that the door is open if he behaves respectfully then I don’t know what else you could do.

Good luck op. I really hope he turns this around.

I find this so sad, for both of you.

Where is he living? I would offer to pay bills and council tax and what you can afford towards rent initially. I'd worry this will force the drug dealing to escalate being financially alone so young.

Don't just wash your hands of him it sounds like you've both had a rough few years but deep down he will still care, just texts to ask how he is will mean something, if not now then once he's matured a bit and can look back on it.

You should have called the police.

Be Strong, ccmms x.

Your son will never trust you again and he will never feel secure in your home either. You seem to have put restrictions on him but haven’t made any attempt at getting him actual help. Even in Scotland 17 is still a child and apprentices are on piss poor wages as well. You have washed your hands of your child and that’s to be judged sorry.

Having seen a close friend go through something similar with her DS I wish she had asked him to leave at 17. He's now 20 and worse ..... she's a broken woman and I'm not sure she'll ever recover from his abuse.

I would have also been posting about a softly softly attitude if I hadn't seen at first hand how awful this situation is.

Best of luck OP

This is obviously a really difficult situation for you OP, but I also fear that your ds could very likely go on more of a downward spiral now that he's left on his own.
I imagine he''ll likely turn even more to his drug using/dealing 'friends' as who else has he got to turn to?

At 17, he's still extremely impressionable and will find it more difficult (I believe) to get himself on the straight and narrow if he feels the only people he has in his life are, as I've mentioned, the wasters he's obviously involved with.
I agree with a pp who said that you should've called the Police on him regarding the drugs.
Why didn't you?

If he is dealing coke you should have called the police rather than let the problem move to the close relatives home. I hope they are completely aware of his illegal activities and not too old (like a grandparent) to deal with his behaviour and the consequences of allowing that in their home.

While you have the comfort of knowing they are providing him with a safety net they will feel they need to keep him there as the alternative is homelessness and all the dangers associated with that. Even if you don't want and didn't ask them to be his safety net you should have called the police to stop it happening.

I havent phoned the police as I dont have any concrete evidence. Only hearsay. Im not going to waste the polices' time with hearsay, especially when my son will deny it. However I can tell when he is lying, and he is clearly lying. He is not with elderly relatives and the family he is with is well aware of his behaviour. In fact sadly they are witnessing it (not the drug stuff) as he is being lazy, selfish, entitled at theirs and they are quite eager also to see the back of him asap.

At 17, he's still extremely impressionable and will find it more difficult (I believe) to get himself on the straight and narrow if he feels the only people he has in his life are, as I've mentioned, the wasters he's obviously involved with. He doesnt want to get on the straight and narrow. He was quite happy with the way things were, using my home as a doss house etc. I think that is where all the softly softly approach people are going wrong. You are assuming that he wants to better himself and that by some miraculous intervention of coming home he will change. Afaic thats illogical nonsense and coming home would only enable his awful behaviour further.

So do you know your son has been drug dealing or is it just hearsay.

On Mumsnet 17 year olds are normally considered to be still young and financially dependent. Seems this young man is considered an adult.

I think at 17 he would be entitled to help from Children’s social services.

So effectively now he is sofa surfing at a relatives and about to go into the homeless system. He is 17. Speaking from experience, a hostel is probably the last place he should be. Who exactly have you approached for assistance? social work? police? Youth organisations? criminal justice team?? What projects have you found out about??