have finally thrown out 17 year old and actually feel relieved.

[ccmms]

What it says on the tin. Have struggled with ds since he was about 13 and have tolerated/tried to pick my battles with regards to abusive attitude, laziness, selfishness, entitledness, drinking, weed, money going missing, disregarding any rules i tried to enforce regarding my house, not paying board etc etc. Did all the usual stopping wifi, not giving any money, trying to enforce basic house rules but to no avail. Have always said that drug dealing was a line I was not prepared to cross, so when i recently found out he has been selling weed I have finally had enough and put him out. And im not sorry to say that i feel relieved. That I can now maybe not dread coming home. Obviously i worry for ds but he is old enough now to make his own decisions (and clearly has no intention of listening to me or anyone else sensible) so he will have to find his own way and I certainly hope he will come out the other side a better person.

but you dont need to throw them under the bus

You do realise it's against the law? Illegal? Disgustingly wrong?

If a child of mine was dealing drugs and I knew about it, I'd have reported immediately.

Would you not "throw him under a bus" for DUI then? Rape? Murder?

Probably not no. But i cant say, none of us can.

User18737

What the hell do you think drug dealers do to others?
And to say that you'd probably not report your own ds for a serious crime, well you're a disgrace too.
Shame on you.

Karma
I know that they would have no issue with violence higher up the chain if you put them at risk.
You cannot say that unless it happened. I think many sancamonius posters on here would eat their words. Of course theure so perfect that it wouldnt happen to them anyway. Protecting your child is instinct, of course youd think twice. To say otherwise is just lying.

And youre a disgrace for being so judgemental.

The Op has been to hell andf back. Stop judging her, some of you are heartless.

There’s a big difference between working with young people - 40 hours a week, at arms length, them not even knowing where you live let alone in your home, with your kids and getting paid for it, days off and paid holidays.

And dealing with this shit 24/7 in your home , 365 days a year, no respite, affecting your whole life and having to hold down a job too.

"Protecting your child is instinct"

I know that User. I'm a mother.
But, I wouldn't be protecting my child if he committed a serious crime and I did fuck all about it would I?

No matter how heartbroken I'd be, I'd have to do the right thing, for HIS sake, and not turn a blind eye.
And its not being 'sanctimonius' as you put it, its called having some integrity. I'm not sure if you know the meaning of the word.

Louisa- if that comment was directed at me, I was also a foster carer for 8 years to a teenage boy who moved out recently after two years of hell and who is now using drugs. So not only was I dealing with challenging behaviour 40 hours a week, I had it home too, and I also have a young family. So yes, I really do understand what it is like to be living with that. The constant anxiety, the worry about the impact on your other children, the driving about in the middle of the night looking for him and worrying what I was going to find, the constant arguments when he was being influenced by other reckless young people, the frustration with statutory services. Many many times I thought about throwing him out, threatened it, locked him out. I have been there, so when I say that chucking him into the homeless sector isn’t a good plan, it is because I really understand the impact it can have. He did eventually move out after an argument over living like an animal, but I would have taken him back, and I made sure support was in place and I am still funding him.

Hugs op. I'm in a similar situation with my 21 yo DS. He's not dealing but smokes weed day and night, I'm at the end of my tether, kicking him out is the only thing left.

I lost a child to cancer and I'm so torn about kicking him out. My DH is on the verge of it. I don't blame you at all, the relief I get when he stays at someone's house, that peace of not seeing his eyes all weeded up, if I can't see him, I don't worry about him (bizarrely).

I'm so conflicted, he doesn't work either. I just wish he'd "get it" and see how he's fucking his life up. I tell him daily, I also tell him I love him and am so worried. He just does not understand. We've tried everything.

I saw my gp and said "I'm just worried he'll wake up at 50 and he's wasted his life". She said that's a real possibility, you've just got to love him.

Hugs op. This isn't an easy decision you made. I hope your DS sorts himself out.

If he has bags, scales, incriminating text messages (and likely large amounts of drugs to deal) why on earth wouldn’t you call the police? You say there isn’t enough evidence but that sounds pretty clear cut to me - why not let the police make that decision?

Re drug dealing and cannabis or weed. It is probably going to be legalised anyway and I don’t think the police are prosecuting in a lot of instances. Just what I have been told

Ah you can almost hear the wailing and beating of chests

Those who say they would do whatever if are talking right out their backsides. It's easy to spout shit when you're strong and haven't been worn down.

Sometimes you have to think of the other kids in the house. Why is their peace of mind not important when strangers are in and out the house in the middle of the night?

Well karma until you are in that position you really don't know. There are many extenuating circumstances, people are bullied into stuff, provoked, forced. Not everything is black and white. And integrity is different to honesty. It means being true to yourself as opposed to telling the truth. On seeing my childs situation i wouldnt, as you would, run straight to the police station, especially at 17 when a criminal record fucks up all future chances of work and education, when he may well in a year be doing differently. But no by your account he doesnt deserve those chances and would be in prison for the forseeable. No doubt youd disown him for the shame hed brought upon you too. What would that solve exactly? He will learn more crime inside.
I think op has done the right thing. Now its up to him.
Dont be so patronising

Exactly gamer

Op you’re getting a lot of people posting that have their own angle on this, but no one knows you or the struggles you are going through. Your own mental health and well being is also important and you may have other children at home and bringing drug dealing to the house will be a safeguarding issue.

It’s not a great situation to be in but you’ll do your best

No doubt you'd disown him for the shame he'd bought on you too

Where did I say I'd disown my child User?
The reason I'd report my ds to the Police if I found drugs, scales etc would be because I'd want to try and put a stop to it all.
If you can't seem to grasp that then there's no point in trying to explain it to you again.

He is the OP's responsibilty.
I too have a 17 year old ds, who hasn't given me any cause for concern

So you have no clue what the OP is dealing with then. A pp was right, speaking from a place of privilege ignorance

you do realise that if a property is used for drug taking , and certainly for dealing, then any adult who lives there can end up with a criminal record for permitting premises to be used in that way. (It's also a pitfall of shared university houses)

Yes, it's selfish, but if you have other DC and a job that depends on on criminal record, then you might think twice.

Yes, the police might need to become involved, and yes it might be the needed wake up call. But it's not necessarily an immediate go-to.

Good move. It will hopefully bring him to his senses, drugs are no good for anyone.

Isawthelight

Just because my own ds hasn't caused me any trouble, I do know people who've been in a situation like the OP. And I do know how difficult life has been for them when drugs have been involved.
My point is, the OP has enough proof of the drug dealing to report her ds. (So what if he gets into trouble? Isn't it better to try and give him the real 'wake up call' he needs now rather than to wait until he either winds up even more entwined in the world of drugs, where he could be dealt with more harshly by the law?)

She's chosen not to report him. Therefore, now her ds is out on his ear, he'll (in my opnion) certainly continue with the dealing, after all, he's going to want instant money and the only way he knows how to make it at the moment is by dealing drugs.
I did initially have empathy for the OP regarding her situation until I read about the fact she's 99.99% sure her ds is not only using coke but also dealing it, and did nothing about it.

She then became aggressive with her comments. As for you saying I'm coming from a place of 'ignorance', well that's priceless.
The only people who are being 'ignorant' are those who do fuck all to try and get drugs off our streets.

By implying the OP did the right thing by just chucking her son out and not getting the Police involved, well I have no words.

OP, sounds like you have all had a horrendous time of it! I feel your pain. we are a loving family and our son got in with the wrong crowd. while things have got better at home for us, if we found out our son was dealing, that would be a point of no return for us. I would contact the police/arrange for him to live elsewhere without a second thought. And that genuinely is not an easy thing for me to say, as I do love him. BUT, that lifestyle choice would be impacting on not just him, but his Dad and I and most vitally his younger sister. I couldn't allow her to be exposed to that. She's had to put up with more than nay child should deal with over the last 2 years.

I'd also add that we did have our son arrested last year after a particularly nasty violent incident, where he attacked his Dad and I. That DID make a difference to him. it sunk in that we'd had enough.

I empathise, sympathise and totally relate. You have made a decision based on the survival of yourself as a mum and for the rest of your family.
There are many people judging without any experience of the situation.
I have a son who turned 16 years old about 1 month ago. He started smoking weed about 1 year before that at 15 years. He decided, after researching Cannabis that he wanted to try it. We discussed it prior to his 15th birthday many times. Each time saying, No and explaining the dangers. He has a warm supporting environment at home with loving parents and a older brother. Despite this he made a conscious decision to try it and planned it, told me about it and went out and did it. I couldn’t stop him. My son is 15 years old he is a 6’2” and looks like a man. He has been smoking weed now for about a year. He is aggressive with his words and evil with some of the things he says. He showers daily and cares about his appearance but his room is a mess and he doesn’t contribute any help around the house. His response is normally ‘ I will do what I want’, ‘it is my life’ ‘ what I do doesn’t affect you’.
What he does actually effects me like 100 stabs to the heart every day. He can destroy the harmony in our home in the time it takes for a heart to beat. He will swear, shout, be aggressive and scare us. He has nearly had a physical fight with his father when we have tried to stop him from doing something dangerous. I have tried everything to help, support and assist him in getting help for the Cannabis and his anger. We went on Holiday for two weeks and it was horrible. He was nasty, rude, insulting and embarrassing. To the point that I was depressed and having nightmares about his and our family’s future by the end of it. A lot of this was caused by withdrawal from the Cannabis but not all of it. He agreed to have a GP appointment with me to discuss the issues and try and get help. Thankfully he came to the appointment but immediately afterwards left to go to a friends house and smoke cannabis. This particular friend is also 16 and smokes it regularly. I haven’t quite lost my done yet....I am still fighting but with my hand on heart I can honestly say that I feel scared emotionally on every inch of my soul from the things he has said to me. I totally understand Op’s Position. How long do you wait before you tell them to leave..... do you drown yourself whilst trying to save them? Does the whole family have to sink together whilst throwing life rafts out to save the son who is in self destruct mode ? If that sounds over dramatic then you have not experienced the true heart ache and disruption this type of situation can cause in a family. I am at my wits end......1 hour ago as my son left the house I nearly threw his belongings behind him. He had just threatened me....shouted at me and accused me. He then tells me he loves me then slams the door. I sat here and cried. Please do not judge others. You can carry your children through most things in life but if they keep hurting you eventually you have to stop carrying them, step aside and hope that they see the right way.

That is heartrending Super

You clearly love your son but his behaviour is intolerable. Take care x

Super sorry to hear you are having such a tough time. At times I felt we would drown. My husband and I had to develop thick skins to deal with what he threw at us. He is a constant worry. But I have had to let some stuff go otherwise I would have gone mad and I need to be there for dd too. I always tell him I love him. Our ds has asd so it has an added layer of complication. I wish you all the best I really do