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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Rules about boyfriends in bedrooms?

138 replies

TheOtherGirl · 22/10/2017 17:01

DD1 is 14 and a half, and she's got her very first boyfriend who is 15. He's seems genuinely lovely.

They're in her bedroom now watching a film on her laptop. I've popped in once to check he's okay with chili for tea and they were sprawled on her big bean bag (both been snogging by the looks of it Grin ).

DH is getting a bit hot under the collar about DD + boy + bedroom and I'm wondering the best way to ensure everyone is comfortable with the situation.

By the way, DD and I have already had several long chats about boyfriends/sex/pregnancy and she assures me that nothing is going to happen like that until she finishes her GCSEs.

OP posts:
DancesWithOtters · 22/10/2017 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairylea · 22/10/2017 17:09

I feel like I am going to get flamed but my dd is 14 and there is no way I would let her have a boyfriend in her room. At that age I think they should be hanging out in cafes and parks and stealing the odd kiss. But I do appreciate that they could in theory go to his and not tell me etc. It’s just not something I would be comfortable with at all.

karriecreamer · 22/10/2017 17:13

By the way, DD and I have already had several long chats about boyfriends/sex/pregnancy and she assures me that nothing is going to happen like that until she finishes her GCSEs.

It's what they all say!

VioletCharlotte · 22/10/2017 17:16

I've got boys, but I allowed DS to have his girlfriend in his room when he was 14, so long as I was in the house. I popped in every now and then so they were aware I was about!

Original poster
TheOtherGirl · 22/10/2017 17:17

Yes, yes I do know that Smile

I'm grateful that she's happy to openly chat with me about all this.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOtherGirl · 22/10/2017 17:18

Hmm, wondering whether to just pop in, as and when, just to keep them on their toes Grin

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 22/10/2017 17:18

We had the door open rule in our house. Youngest ds now 17 so thankfully those days are over. I could never relax when they were 14/15.

Annabelle4 · 22/10/2017 17:24

DD1 is 14, and we wouldn't allow it.

Not judging or criticising you OP - every parent has different rules for their DC, there isn't always a right or wrong.

GeorgeTheHamster · 22/10/2017 17:27

Mine are older now. Our rule was that the door couldn't be shut. So it was left ajar. Amazing how many time I had to pop up and down stairs doing chores...I just wanted to make my presence felt. I was aiming for them to feel that they had enough privacy to relax together but not enough to get their clothes off

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 22/10/2017 20:40

My 2DDs are older too. Mine were 15 when they started bringing boyfriends home. We didn't insist on open bedroom doors but we frequently stomped up and down stairs, 'putting things ways' etc. The other DD was also always sent upstairs to ask various questions.Grin.

Original poster
TheOtherGirl · 22/10/2017 20:44

I asked her to leave her door ajar and I've been quite energetic popping up and downstairs putting away various laundry and stuff. I want to keep them on a state of yellow alert, relaxed enough to enjoy the film but not so relaxed that clothing gets removed.

DH was all for patrolling on the landing armed with a golf club but I've managed to dissuade him Grin

OP posts:
MarciaBlaine · 22/10/2017 20:51

How late is he staying? 😍. I was quite dreadful at that age and judging everyone by my own standards would have hauled them down for hot choc and enforced Monopoly by now ;-)

frenchfancy · 22/10/2017 20:56

No boyfriends in bedrooms before 16. My mum didn't have that rule. I was very sensible. Everyone believed me when I said we were just watching tv.

I lost my virginity at 13.

Not on my watch.

Crumbs1 · 22/10/2017 20:58

Not in bedrooms under 18 in our house.

limitedperiodonly · 22/10/2017 21:01

I'd really worry that in the words of my late mum: she'll go 'boy-mad'. Despite being at grammar school, some of my classmates threw away their academic promise.

That wasn't the case with me but it obviously is a problem with a daughter who isn't so interested in study.

Don't panic though. Low key vigilance is a good way forward. How hard can it be: she hasn't chosen her GCSEs yet, let alone her A levels and university?

AugustRose · 22/10/2017 21:08

DD is 15 and her boyfriend has been here a couple of times, and yes in the bedroom. I just make sure I have lots of reasons to be upstairs plus there is the added security of a 10 year old and 6 year old bursting in on them at any given moment.

She was horrified recently when her period was 3 weeks late (never been regular) and I asked her if there was anything she needed to tell me Grin she assured me she didn't, and later told me her boyfriend and friends were just as horrified. I told her I was just being a sensible parent - perhaps next time I'll insist on an open door!

SecretNutellaFix · 22/10/2017 21:17

We had to be 18 before males were allowed in bedrooms.

Missingstreetlife · 22/10/2017 21:26

Your husband is right. If they want to have sex they will, but don't put your precious daughter on a plate. They should be in the living room until this is an established relationship and she is a bit older.
Too easy to get into things they are not emotionally ready for. They will do what they want, but you should be giving the message that you are protective and expect respectful behaviour esp under your roof.

fucksakefay · 22/10/2017 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsFogi · 22/10/2017 21:29

No boys upstairs in our house.

IHaveBrilloHair · 22/10/2017 21:48

I did the doors open thing when Dd was younger, she had hee first bf at 13.
She's 16 now and has been with her bf for 9 months, I'm fine with him being here and with him staying over.
I'm aware most people will be horrified but he's a decent boy, high achiever, as is Dd, they both chat to me and will hang out with me too.
They are going to have sex, I'd far rather it was here than in some bushes or behind the bins.

MarciaBlaine · 22/10/2017 22:39

“but don't put your precious daughter on a plate. “ Now I just hate this. She is not “up for it” just because they are in her room watching a movie. It sounds like lots of sensible conversations have been had and OP is keeping a beady eye.

Evergreen777 · 22/10/2017 22:46

Not sure if the answer, but have similar worries with my DD - also 14 with a 15 year old BF.

I've said they should be downstairs not in her room. We have a second downstairs room as long as older DSD is in term time at Uni. But what I can't see any way round is that they could easily come round here after school when I'm still at work if they wanted. So any rules I impose on no BF in the bedroom aren't going to work when I'm not here.

MsGameandWatching · 22/10/2017 22:52

You sound like you're trying a bit too hard to be Cool Mum tbh. It's great you're so open and communicative with each other but I sometimes think proper responsible parenting can be lost when you're so focussed on being popular with your kids. I can't see why a 14 year old and new/first boyfriend need to be in a bedroom tbh. I'd probably let them have the living room for movie watching, while giving them some degree of privacy. Feelings can be really intense and overwhelming at that age and I wouldn't be providing a private location for them to escalate rapidly.

VonHerrBurton · 22/10/2017 23:09

I wouldn't allow my just 15 yo ds upstairs in bedroom with gf (14). We have 2 living rooms downstairs, they can do films/snogging in one. Door ajar. We are in other. I wouldn't be happy if he was allowed upstairs in her house, either.

They will hear you coming upstairs. Especially if door open. I remember when I was about 16 and the things I got up to in my downstairs bedroom, even when I knew my parents were in the garden and could easily wander over and look in Wink ..... never mind having to schlep up a flight of stairs - door open or not!!!!

My ds and gf are both lovely and have given us no reason not to be trusted. It's just, well, our rules and they don't seem particularly bothered.

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