Rules about boyfriends in bedrooms?

[TheOtherGirl]

DD1 is 14 and a half, and she's got her very first boyfriend who is 15. He's seems genuinely lovely.

They're in her bedroom now watching a film on her laptop. I've popped in once to check he's okay with chili for tea and they were sprawled on her big bean bag (both been snogging by the looks of it ).

DH is getting a bit hot under the collar about DD + boy + bedroom and I'm wondering the best way to ensure everyone is comfortable with the situation.

By the way, DD and I have already had several long chats about boyfriends/sex/pregnancy and she assures me that nothing is going to happen like that until she finishes her GCSEs.

I think when youths are at the age they want to experiment, they will whether you put rules in place or not

Exactly. You do realise that if they want to have sex they will find a way and you making it obviously "hard" for them is going to make them want to rebel and be more likely to do it.

raindrops DD also does sports and other activities to be fair.

It's very sobering that even when in the next room to you, but with a closed door that it can still happen.

Other girl my DS and gf are both very high achievers in their chosen separate sports representing club and district and only see each other weekends due to sports commitments but are at same school. I find it scary that they've started a physical relationship so young, I was 20 when I met DH and we've been together almost 30 year's, at 14-15 I was petrified of boys!

OP my attitude was similar to yours. DD is a sensible girl (bit of a goth but sensible with it). She’s 21 now. Occasional boys in bedroom without anything bad happening at 15. Started sleeping with long term BF at 17, told me (an over-sharer but I’m glad of it!) next day.
Anything can happen but I suspect your DD will be fine. My DD is a good friend now, and will always be my baby and daughter at the same time.

lemming - The reason teenagers are physically ready for sex before they're emotionally is partly because we have really good nutrition these days - so bodies mature earlier. Teenagers in hunter gatherer societies tend to start their periods in their mid teens, not 12-14 as they do here.

And partly I think our society is just much more complex than it was in our evolutionary past. We're not usually able to be economically independent until we're in our early 20s, and need that time to leave home and learn about the wider world before we know who we'd be happy settling down with. Children are very much the responsibility of their parents too, not the whole village, which means the parents need to be mature enough to cope independently.

But all human societies place some rules on when sex is allowed, which very often involves barring teenagers from doing it until they've reached certain milestones

lemming - The reason teenagers are physically ready for sex before they're emotionally is partly because we have really good nutrition these days - so bodies mature earlier. Teenagers in hunter gatherer societies tend to start their periods in their mid teens, not 12-14 as they do here

WTF how stupid can you be? We have a 50% rate of cancer now because of how shockingly terrible peoples diets are, along with other diseases which weren't nearly as common 50 years ago

Some of the comments LOL.

'Im not a regular mom, im a cool mom'- mean girls 😅

WTF how stupid can you be? We have a 50% rate of cancer now

What is a 50% rate of cancer. A few cancers are probably more common as a result of specific kinds of environmental. Others will simply be because we live longer. If you die in childbirth as a young woman - which was hardly uncommon - you are not going to get breast cancer in your 40s.

The kind of malnutrition which would have resulted from the urban and rural poor simply not having enough to eat due to very very low wages, which might stop altogether if someone became ill - simply doesn't exit now. (Although we have the rollout of Universal Credit to look forward to...)

I've had 3 teens ,adults now,but from tiny we never even allowed friends in bedrooms..so they never expected the opposite sex allowed in...there was playroom that became a den,or they sat in the lounge..at that age they should be put having fun with mates,no need at all to enter bedrooms,they are for sleeping in,lounge for company in our house

Evergreen777

lemming - The reason teenagers are physically ready for sex before they're emotionally is partly because we have really good nutrition these days - so bodies mature earlier. Teenagers in hunter gatherer societies tend to start their periods in their mid teens, not 12-14 as they do here.

I did wonder about this, but from what I've read on the internet, it may not be true. There's far too much information to link to here, and it would take ages to check the veracity of it all, but it does seem likely that 12-14 is more typical throughout history, with the occasional upward glitch at times when nutrition was really poor.
There is growing concern, however, that puberty is now occurring much earlier, and that this may be attributable to chemicals in the environment, hormones in the food chain, etc. More research is needed.

But all human societies place some rules on when sex is allowed, which very often involves barring teenagers from doing it until they've reached certain milestones

Yes, I think you're right. However, I'm not so sure about the motivation. I suspect in strongly patriarchal societies girls were treated as commodities and were effectively - or even literally - sold into an arranged marriage. Previous sexual experience would have reduced the girl's "worth".

And partly I think our society is just much more complex than it was in our evolutionary past. We're not usually able to be economically independent until we're in our early 20s

This bit I do agree with, and was essentially what I had in mind. But I do wonder if some parents go OTT with their responsibility. Whilst a natural tendency to protect one's children is laudable, wrapping them up in cotton wool may, I suspect, be a contributory factor in young people's slow development of emotional maturity.
Prior to the 1944 Education Act, most 14-year-olds left school and entered the adult world of work. And presumably they coped. I'm not for one moment suggesting we return to that system, but I wonder if today's 14-year-olds would cope, and if not (and it's society's fault) whether we are doing young people a disservice.

Nothing to do with porn and totally inappropriate sexualised advertising music etc aimed at young people?
It is illegal for them to have sex before 16, this is largely a protection against predatory adults, and a consensual relationship at 15 will likely be ignored. This young woman is 14, she and the boy need to be reminded of the law, and the expectations her parents should have that she is treated with respect. Don't indulge the snogging, it's easy to get carried away, those hormones are strong.
If they are together in six months then you might think again, but she may regret getting in too deep too soon with her first relationship.
Encourage other activities, do things as a family, have an expectation of what is appropriate and help her keep her own boundaries.

I am rather entertained by notion of parents banning 'snogging' and promoting a healthy regime of cricket and piano practice in order to save their children from the ruin that otherwise awaits....

By and large my daughters friends seemed reasonably clued up. They wanted to do well at school and have good futures. They were fairly disparaging about the majority of boys they knew - though regarded the ones who had come out as gay as a bit more civilised.

If they did opt to go out with anybody, they weren't in a hurry to jeopardise anything by having a hasty shag without contraception.

It seems to me that having strong friendships with other independently minded girls and having one's own ambitions - rather than ambitions that are imposed by parents - are probably rather more effective in terms of helping young women to make choices than a dose of Victorian morality from above.

I think believing that having family days out and getting them to learn a musical instrument will stop your teen from having sex is a bit disingenuous not to say deluded.

As for 'stopping them snogging' well words fail me on that one.

DD is very open with me to the point of over sharing. I feel I am more informed on the details of her menstrual cycle than is strictly necessary

When we have chatted about boys + sex I was surprised at how well informed she already was. But I understand from a friend who teaches at her school that they have very open and frank pastoral lessons from Yr7.

She is sensible and at the moment I think their romance mainly encompasses playing basketball, watching films, snogging (obvs) and DIY. So far he has helped fix her desk and mended her bike

Door open and complete honesty is the only way. If she stops communicating with you about the relationship- he stops coming over.

Jeeesus! Mine are still in Primary school. Am SO not looking forward to this phase!

I guess it's better to know what they're getting up to - rather than make her feel like she has to lie to you and go elsewhere.

Although they do sound quite cute from your description OP

This is interesting. It's a long way away for us but DH and I discuss now and again. What I find interesting is people suggesting that they'll try something different or new. The one thing I feel very clear on is that whatever rule DH and I agree on, the dc will know what it is LONG before it's needed and it will be consistently applied until the point at which we've agreed it doesn't need to. Admittedly, I had older siblings, but I always knew that there would be no boys in my bedroom until I was 18. When we moved house and no longer had a completely separate tv/ family room, I was 16 but our bedrooms were much bigger. The rule was adapted at that point to allow boys upstairs but no closed doors. It was clear, easily understood and effective.

Didn't mean we didn't push the boundaries (and I have fond memories of a boyfriend's parents popping in at regular intervals at his house to check we really WERE studying! ) but the rules were the rules and there was no ambiguity.

I don't think these things ever go as you expect.

My stepson - who didn't get on with his mother - was living with his girlfriend (in her parents' house) by the time he was 17.

My stepdaughter was very risk averse and didn't really go out with anyone till university. She has stuck to her first boyfriend (who I think is rather a tosser) and married him.

My daughter thought most boys were useless. There was one point when she'd have been 17 when she and mate were sleeping over at the house of some young man I didn't know, and the next morning when I was standing outside a house in rather desolate part of the city trying to ring her only to find the battery of my mobile had gone dead when I thought, 'Why am I doing this?'

Again her first boyfriend wasn't till university days. He came to stay with us on New Years Eve and they were going to a party. I told my daughter, 'I'm putting him in the bedroom at the back. (There's a double bed there.) I don't know about the state of your relationship, but where you sleep is up to you.'

In response my daughter gave me a look and said, 'Mumsnet would be proud of you.'

I think you have to make it all up as you go along really....

We just had a 12 year old boy to stay for 2 months, and he shared 12 year old dd's bunk bed. All went well, with a basic rule that they change clothes separately. But I expect that that was the last of the innocence of childhood...

FunderAnna

I agree very much with your approach overall.

Not to rain on your open door policy, but I was a teenager not that long ago and we had sex with the door open (and other things) just very quietly! It's amazing how good your hearing becomes when the threat of parents coming up the stairs hangs over your head.

I think believing that having family days out and getting them to learn a musical instrument will stop your teen from having sex is a bit disingenuous not to say deluded.

If you can find something REAALY time consuming, it does seem to work reasonably well. Both DS (16) and DD (14) have the kind of hobbies that take up 10+ hours every week, DD's in a pretty much all-girls' environment. Apparently a boy at school did ask her out once. Her reply was 'I'm sorry, I just don't have time'. ....

I do wonder about how some of these parents would react to bisexual children. Is that a friend (girl) there for a sleepover or is it your DD's girlfriend? Similar for boys.

It's not always easy to lay down blanket rules.

Why are teenagers not allowed to snog or have a relationship?. It's a natural thing that we do and it shouldn't be stopped, we should just guide our children in the right way and if all else fails then we have to be there for them.

My mum and I were very close and I had sex much later than my friends who weren't close with their parents or hadn't got a trusting relationship. Because it was a way to rebel.