Rules about boyfriends in bedrooms?

[TheOtherGirl]

DD1 is 14 and a half, and she's got her very first boyfriend who is 15. He's seems genuinely lovely.

They're in her bedroom now watching a film on her laptop. I've popped in once to check he's okay with chili for tea and they were sprawled on her big bean bag (both been snogging by the looks of it ).

DH is getting a bit hot under the collar about DD + boy + bedroom and I'm wondering the best way to ensure everyone is comfortable with the situation.

By the way, DD and I have already had several long chats about boyfriends/sex/pregnancy and she assures me that nothing is going to happen like that until she finishes her GCSEs.

She will blame you if she gets in over her head.
Door open and or not in the bedroom.

I was allowed boyfriends over from the age of 14 and never had to keep the door open. My parent's would often knock and come straight in to ask us something or they would be hanging about outside doing chores a lot. Still didn't stop me from having sex or doing everything other than full sex. We just became super alert to the noises outside the room and were as quick as possible. Or we would leave our clothes on but have a good grope etc.
I also told my mum I wouldn't be having sex until I was 16 but I had already been having regular sex for 2 years by then.
Not saying your daughter will be behaving that way but just take everything they say with a pinch of salt and check on them very regularly if you're concerned. Keeping the door open won't necessarily stop things from happening, they could just wait until the coast is clear and be as quiet and quick as possible

Leonard - if I've understood correctly you seem to be saying if teenage girls feel able to make the decision to start having sex when they feel ready we should let them?

If this is the impression you've got from reading my post(s) then unfortunately you have not understood correctly. So, sorry if I didn't make myself clear, and I'll try again.

In my opinion (based on experience) the majority of 14-year-old girls would choose not to have sex and therefore there is no need for parents to make that decision on their behalf, because the desired outcome (not having sex) is the same regardless. And, further, if a girl has decided for herself not to have sex, then shutting the bedroom door is unlikely to make her change her mind.

I also intended to point out that, in the case of those vulnerable girls who are not capable of making that decision, the solution is education, so that they know they have the right to say no.

And finally, in the case of the very few girls who genuinely are mature enough, and genuinely want to have sex at an early age (and I really can't see many falling into this category), then I concur with other PPs that they will find a way to circumvent any parental controls such as bedroom doors being left open/staying downstairs. Teenagers are devious.

I also agree with those PPs who suggest that it is pointless to bring up the "it's illegal" argument. So is any sexual activity - including snogging. But if you read my (long) post - written at the request of the OP - the government is aware and has made allowances.

So, I hope that clears up any confusion. No, I am not saying what you thought I said.

I started my periods at 9 so I think that's why I felt ready to have sex at 14 as my hormones were raging through me. Do I wish now that I had waited a bit? Yes! But at that age you always think you know best. I agree that most 14 year old girls probably won't feel ready for full sex though but that doesn't mean to say she'll only be snogging

@The OtherGirl: what is your opinion on sending a child to a boarding school. I'd rather not do that - would you?

leonardthelemming how much do you think the girls under your care while you were a male teacher in charge of them at boarding school were getting out of their sexual experiences with teenage boys?

Clue here as a woman who was once a teenage girl: not a sausage.

Forgive me if I don't think many female pupils asked for your pastoral advice about being fingered behind the bikesheds

This is a hugely emotive subject as many of the posts on here demonstrate. As two out of my three dc are teenagers at the moment it is something that is particularly pertinent to me.

We all know that authoritative parenting, ( respecting child's views, being approachable but also setting clear and predictable boundaries) is the recognised best way of parenting. However, we also know that this does not guarantee that our children will not do things that we don't want them to do. Children and adolescents are individuals, some are more risk averse than others, some are busy with hobbies, some want to get good exam results etc. none of these factors, apart from the first one perhaps, is a predictor of sexual behaviour.

We need to try and keep the channels of communication open, we need to speak to our teens and inform them of the risks that they are running if they decide to have sex and thus break the law and also risk teenage pregnancy, STD's and emotional trauma. I truly wish that the many conversations that I have with my own dc mean that they are not taking these risks but I cannot guarantee this. I can only do my best and try to educate them about the risks they may face through their teenage years, but I cannot control them or seek to remove their autonomy. This is backed up by research which I quote below:

Dusek (1996) draws on research findings to confirm that parental influences on the sexual behaviour of young people are minimal. Young people whose parents discuss sex with them or whose parents keep a tight rein on their activities are no more or no less likely to engage in premarital sex, ( although some evidence indicates that greater maternal monitoring of activities is associated with reduced unprotected sex for females).

Geldard, Kathryn and Geldard, David, (2013), Counselling Adolescents.

If they want to have sex they will. I was at that age but not at home. I would just have them keep door ajar and pop up to put things away and offer snacks

Pressed post too quickly. My first sexual experience was with another girl anyway, but when I did have sex with my boyfriend I was fully happy, no way pressured and don't regret it at 38. He was a boy from my dance class so activities don't always work. I think the priority is raising children with healthy boundaries who can resist peer pressure and educating them on consent and contraception and also how sex is also something you work up to gradually.

I do smile a bit at those who think filling their teens time will stop them from doing anything. I went to two dance clubs, horse riding, youth club and other things and that is where we met the people we did things with. That isn't enough, education and open communication is still more important

DD almost 17 been with her bf almost 2 years, he’s never set foot upstairs and ,if still together ,he won’t until DD’s 18 , and even then I won’t be a happy 🐰 . Is not that they’re having sex part that bothers me , is the “under my roof” part that I cannot get over, my DD never heard me dtd so I don’t want to hear her , is just mutual respect in this matter . At 14 yrs old he wouldn’t have got past the front door let alone in her bedroom 😂

No no and no just no reason for them to be alone in the bedroom at all. Asking for trouble, downstairs and scrabble with the family it is... sorry

I agree 100% with @limitedperiodonly here.

...the majority of 14-year-old girls would choose not to have sex and therefore there is no need for parents to make that decision on their behalf, because the desired outcome (not having sex) is the same regardless.
I don't think you know much about the attitude of teenage boys in the age of porn, leonardthelemming or the pressures that girls are exposed to as a result of the wider pornified culture.

While it's important to keep lines of communication open, you don't have to give your teens the impression you approve of them having sex at 14, and you especially want to convey the impression to the boyfriend that you respect your daughter and have hopes for her future and are concerned for her happiness. You need to help your daughter see that regardless of the culture at school and regardless of whatever the BF tells her about herself and what she should be doing, she is still living in the world where it's perfectly fine to have a relationship that doesn't include sex. Teenage boys are entitled enough when it comes to sex without parents of girls effectively condoning their sense of entitlement. Make the boys respect you and your home - and by extension make them respect your daughters - by having clear rules and enforcing them.

So yes, Scrabble with the family it is. Downstairs.