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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Rules about boyfriends in bedrooms?

138 replies

TheOtherGirl · 22/10/2017 17:01

DD1 is 14 and a half, and she's got her very first boyfriend who is 15. He's seems genuinely lovely.

They're in her bedroom now watching a film on her laptop. I've popped in once to check he's okay with chili for tea and they were sprawled on her big bean bag (both been snogging by the looks of it Grin ).

DH is getting a bit hot under the collar about DD + boy + bedroom and I'm wondering the best way to ensure everyone is comfortable with the situation.

By the way, DD and I have already had several long chats about boyfriends/sex/pregnancy and she assures me that nothing is going to happen like that until she finishes her GCSEs.

OP posts:
Voice0fReason · 22/10/2017 23:22

If they want to have sex they will, but don't put your precious daughter on a plate.
What a sickening thing to say.
Whether you allow them in the same room alone or not, your actions do not put her on a plate!
She's a girl with a brain, not a piece of meat to be served.

Tw1nsetAndPearls · 22/10/2017 23:38

I wouldn't allow my 14 year old in a bedroom with a boyfriend on her own. She is 16 and we allow it with many interruptions

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 22/10/2017 23:39

Actually thinking about it, both of my DDs were 15 and in Y11 when they were allowed boys in their rooms. Plus they had known the boys for quite a while, as did I.
I wouldn’t let a just started Y 10, dd have boyfriends in their room.

Tw1nsetAndPearls · 22/10/2017 23:41

By the way, DD and I have already had several long chats about boyfriends/sex/pregnancy and she assures me that nothing is going to happen like that until she finishes her GCSEs.

This made me snort.

eyeballpaul · 22/10/2017 23:58

Picture the scenarios (real life):
16 year old boy with 14 year old gf, girls mum allowed them in her room to “watch movies on the laptop”, they were told to keep the door ajar, and she frequently checked on them.

They still had sex.

When the relationship went pear shaped (after over a year) the mum reported him to the police.

At 18 he was stood in court having been charged with several counts of “sexual activity with a child”, lifetime on the sex offenders register if found guilty.

Absolutely no way will there be any gfs in my DS bedroom unless they are both 16 and no amount of persuasion will ever change my mind.

VonHerrBurton · 23/10/2017 00:03

Eyeball - absolutely. Ditto in my house. No way Jose.

limitedperiodonly · 23/10/2017 00:14

DD and I have already had several long chats about boyfriends/sex/pregnancy and she assures me that nothing is going to happen like that until she finishes her GCSEs.

It's a lovely bonding mother and daughter experience that your 14 year old has already told you where the land lies.

limitedperiodonly · 23/10/2017 01:24

DH was all for patrolling on the landing armed with a golf club but I've managed to dissuade him

FFS. Do you live with a silverback gorilla? What's the drama? Just ask the kids to come downstairs

BitOfFun · 23/10/2017 01:38

Add message | Report | Message poster MsGameandWatching Sun 22-Oct-17 22:52:21
You sound like you're trying a bit too hard to be Cool Mum tbh. It's great you're so open and communicative with each other but I sometimes think proper responsible parenting can be lost when you're so focussed on being popular with your kids. I can't see why a 14 year old and new/first boyfriend need to be in a bedroom tbh. I'd probably let them have the living room for movie watching, while giving them some degree of privacy. Feelings can be really intense and overwhelming at that age and I wouldn't be providing a private location for them to escalate rapidly.

^This.

Have you got a second sitting-room? I've navigated the teenage years myself, but the question of taking a boyfriend upstairs actually never came up- I think my dd knew I'd take a dim view.

bumblingbovine49 · 23/10/2017 01:42

Those saying they don't allow teenagers to have boy friends and girlfriends in bedrooms. Are you always at home when they get home after school?.

DS (only 13 at the moment) is at home alone from 3.30pm until 5pm 2-3 times a week.

DS and I both work full time. We arrange work hours so that one of us is home earlier a couple of times a week but cant do this every day.

if you WOTH with just teenagers in the house (ie no childcare needed for younger children so no other adults in the house after school), how do you enforce this in the post school hour or two before most parents are home?

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/10/2017 01:49

Door open. Pop upstairs and chat every so often. Variable time frames.
Also, bring crisps. My mum never ever allowed crisps and suddenly when boys appeared, we were allowed crisps. Only after did I realise crisps = no snogging. Bloody genius my mum. That's a long game.

I didn't shag until after 16.

Waddlingwanda · 23/10/2017 01:57

Nope not under 16.

My mum had the same approach as you. It's fairly easy to hear someone coming upstairs, and who says you have to be starkers to do anything.

Mum believes I was 19 when I first slept with someone, she'd be devastated to know I'd actually just turned 15.

Anycakeisgoodcake · 23/10/2017 05:50

Someone told me about this thread.... I'm quite shocked, but then my parents probably taught me that it was more important to be a parent who kept us on track than a parent who was seen to be cool and easy going. Thankfully they didn't feel the need to be approved of by my teenage friend and boyfriends. Probably for the best because I know full well given the opportunity I would have been shagging.

Also for context my Mum was an uber cool women's sexual health worker at that point and we had no problems being open in discussions about sex.

Maybe it's cooler to teach your daughter that her company is enough for any partner not that she needs to promise the allure of privacy. Honestly at that age do you really want her getting involved with sweaty tussling in a bean bag just because the others do it?

So long as you're not sitting opposite them staring at them and frowning if they hold hands I can't see why they need the privacy of a bloody bedroom ffs. Seems far too complicated for a 14 yo to cope with.

eyeballpaul · 23/10/2017 05:52

how do you enforce this in the post school hour or two before most parents are home?

I was always home before my parents as a teenager, but I knew my parents house rules were no boys allowed in my bedroom. I respected my parents enough not to break that rule and I would hope I’m bringing my DS up with the same level of respect for me that I had for my parents so that when the time comes he knows no girls in his bedroom!

pigeondujour · 23/10/2017 06:04

I would let them as long as you're making your presence felt. At 14 with her mum popping in chatting about chilli I think it's entirely likely that they're just snogging and watching a film and don't have any further intentions.

Tw1nsetAndPearls · 23/10/2017 08:19

Those saying they don't allow teenagers to have boy friends and girlfriends in bedrooms. Are you always at home when they get home after school?

When she was 14 yes.

Evergreen777 · 23/10/2017 08:46

That's what I'm grappling with bumbling. There are often times when DD is home before anyone else. And even if I didn't work (which would be a bit odd with teenage kids imo), who's to say her BF's parents don't leave them a nice empty house after school each day?

I'm hoping that encouraging the general sense that you entertain opposite sex friends downsides, and that bedrooms are a private space might rub off a bit too her own decision making when nobody's in, but think it would be a naïve parent who assumes teens will follow your house rules out of respect, even if they don't agree with them, want to have privacy, and know you're out

radiosignal · 23/10/2017 08:51

I would ask them to stay downstairs I'm afraid, especially if you have a second room for them to sit in. i think it's asking for trouble otherwise.

KarmaNoMore · 23/10/2017 09:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Adviceplease360 · 23/10/2017 09:05

Definitely not allowed upstairs alone. I was brought up by very strict parents and I'm glad as I know I would have lost my virginity much earlier than I did to some teenage idiot. Hated parents at the time though.

LexieLulu · 23/10/2017 09:09

I think when youths are at the age they want to experiment, they will whether you put rules in place or not.

I'm not saying make it easy for them, but your comment on the fact she won't have sex until after her GCSE's is laughable

BeyondThePage · 23/10/2017 09:12

My mum didn't allow boys in the bedroom either - we went to his house, always, my mum was always going on "why don't you bring him round here?"... erm, why do you think!

Tea and cake with the olds (+2 brothers and a sister all in the same room), or a leisurely snog and fumble in the privacy of his room - won every time.

eyeballpaul · 23/10/2017 09:24

it would be a naïve parent who assumes teens will follow your house rules out of respect

Children are taught to follow rules their entire lives and learn that there are consequences of rule breaking, I fail to see how expecting a child to carry those lessons into teen years and then adult life is naive 🤔

By its own definition a naive person lacks experience; the statement I made was based on my own experience growing up and experience of my DSs behaviour to date, that doesn’t fit with being “a naive parent” I’m afraid.....

MothershipG · 23/10/2017 09:30

So it looks like I’m a ‘cool mum’, who knew? Hmm

Actually I don’t think I am at all. DD was about 15.5 and had been seeing her boyfriend of the same age about 6 months before he started coming to ours.

DH and I both work full time, as do his parents, we don’t have the luxury of a second reception so after discussing it decided that we were ok with them being in her room.

We can’t police her all the time so it comes down to trust, keeping the talking going and hoping that we have given her the the tools she needs to make good choices. Bottom line if they want to have sex they will and they have endless opportunities to do so, so it’s all down to trust.

Original poster
TheOtherGirl · 23/10/2017 09:48

This is the very first time I have been called a cool parent. I'm usually considered positively Victorian Grin

You really cannot hear when someone comes upstairs, so with her door open DD would only have a nano second of notice before I walked in her room.

I went in several times yesterday and all they were doing was mucking about on their phones. DD2 seemed to be popping in and out all the time too and there was lots of laughing going on. Then they all went to play basketball.

DD has been friends with the lad since Yr7 but it's only developed into a bit of romance in the summer.

We do have a second living room they can use but it's being decorated at the moment. Perhaps when it's finished it would be wise to encourage them to use that.

We have said that he isn't allowed over when DH and I aren't home, which she has happily agreed to.

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