Rules about boyfriends in bedrooms?

[TheOtherGirl]

DD1 is 14 and a half, and she's got her very first boyfriend who is 15. He's seems genuinely lovely.

They're in her bedroom now watching a film on her laptop. I've popped in once to check he's okay with chili for tea and they were sprawled on her big bean bag (both been snogging by the looks of it ).

DH is getting a bit hot under the collar about DD + boy + bedroom and I'm wondering the best way to ensure everyone is comfortable with the situation.

By the way, DD and I have already had several long chats about boyfriends/sex/pregnancy and she assures me that nothing is going to happen like that until she finishes her GCSEs.

And I'm certainly not taking it as gospel that she won't have sex until after her GCSEs. Though I waited until I was 16 despite having been with the same older boyfriend for 8 months. So it can and does happen.

She's a sensible girl and I will just have to trust in that to some extent. Teenagers are endlessly resourceful so they will find a way if they want to. But that doesn't mean I am going to make it very easy for them.

It's nothing to do with 'offering the precious girl on a plate' or the silverback-type behaviour of OP's husband patrolling with a golf club - I realise that was probably a joke but it's not funny. Both boys and girls are precious and when you're that age you both need to be protected from your stupid teenage decisions.

Just like 14 year old girls, 14 year old boys are not emotionally ready for sex and they do not understand the consequences and the consequences of relationships and teenage pregnancy, though different, are just as heavy on a boy as a girl.

I would expect another mum to have the same rules as me and not put temptation in his way. It's a very difficult line to tread, but I would be uneasy about my boy being in this situation

eyeball You've quoted half a sentence from my previous post. What i actually said was it would be a naïve parent who assumes teens will follow your house rules out of respect, even if they don't agree with them, want to have privacy, and know you're out

If you take the attitude that setting rules should be sufficient, as teenagers should respect you enough to follow them at all times, then surely you might as well just say "no sex" mighten you and never have to worry again?

Teenagers almost by definition do push boundaries, and don't always agree with their parents rules. I don't think there are any easy answers to how you deal with them having access to an empty house, unless you happen to have a teen who doesn't really want to be alone with a BF anyway.

I would lose my shit if my son’s girlfriend’s mother allowed them in her bedroom. He’s 15 and fortunately shows no interest in girls (or boys, or anything that doesn’t have a screen, frankly).

But there is no way I’d be happy with this. And the thought of DD (13) having boys in her room is just laughable.

I may be old but I remember being a teenager very clearly. Yes, if they are going to do it you can’t stop them, but there’s no reason to make it this easy for them.

It’s not fair on your DD or her BF, ultimately. And it’s not fair on any younger siblings either. It’s just a fat no from me.

You really cannot hear when someone comes upstairs, so with her door open DD would only have a nano second of notice before I walked in her room.

So you get upstairs and catch them in the act then what? Your husband will go all macho with his golf club on the boy or will it both of them who will feel the wrath?

I wouldn't have allowed this at 14 and I would have been seriously unimpressed had any girl's parents allowed my children in their daughter's bedrooms. Just because teenagers are "going to do it anyway" it doesn't mean you need to make as easy as possible for them.

@Evergreen777 I read that you were saying you think it’s naive of a parent to think a teenager will follow the rules, while the parents are out of the house, if said teenager doesn’t agree with the rules? If I’ve misunderstood then my mistake and I apologise......

I believe there is a difference between simply setting a rule and expecting a person to follow that rule as opposed to providing education and explaining the importance and why the rule exists.

I would never expect any child, teen or adult to simply follow an instruction (ie “no sex!”) but at the same time I believe that if there has been adequate education in regards the risks and consequences, sitting alongside mutual trust and respect between the parent and teen then it is absolutely not naive to expect the teen to respect their parents wishes (and more importantly abide by the law) while in their house.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying no teenagers ever break rules, I just don’t agree that it’s “naive” of parents to expect their own house rules to be followed - surely respecting any persons wishes while in their house is just plain good manners 🤔

eyeball I think you're right that if you've educated them and talked about why you want them to stay downstairs, etc it might have some impact. If they're not really ready for sex yet, and accept that it's therefore best to keep things comfortable and give out clear signals then they might accept your suggestion of staying downstairs.

It's just the "house rules" aspect I'm less sure about. Most of our house rules are about behaviour that impacts on other members of the family (don't take other's possessions without asking, etc). Whereas I think it's actually a much harder, subtler aspect of parenting to teach a teenager about boundaries with a BF. I don't think you can really expect teenagers to follow a rule simply because you say so. They need to understand and accept it.

If one of the main fears relates to underage sexual intercourse, how many young people do we think would opt to do the deed in a family home where at least one parent and various children are about and family life is generally going on around.

While young people are naturally curious I'd say that they are also quite easily embarrassed. The idea of somebody's Mum walking in to say, 'Oh by the way, do you want chips or rice?' would put most people off I reckon.

IMO there are a lot of naïve comments on this thread.

My parents were strict, no boys in the house. Sex talk was similar to a lot of comments on here (i.e. don't do it, boys are evil, etc.) Consequence? I didn't want to speak to my parents about that type of thing and lost my virginity aged 13, to a 17 year old in his cousin's house. Had slept with more boys by the time I hit 14. Never in my parents house, but in bushes / their house etc. It was stupid, and reckless and I have no one to talk to about sex and relationships.

OP, it seems like you have a trust worthy relationship with your daughter, and if you feel comfortable and confident in having a boy (not the devil!) in your DDs room then that's the most important thing. I'd suggest leaving door open, but it's so refreshing seeing a parent with the skills to have that open, healthy relationship about sex and relationships with their teenager.

I had my first bf at 14, he was 13. My mum allowed us upstairs with door open. We never had sex but did everything else even with door open, mum downstairs and walking up and down the stairs. Just keep checking on her!.

Absolutely 100% agree @Evergreen777 😊👍🏼

With my own daughter I found this a difficult one to talk about. The trouble is that talking to young people in this way can so easily seem as if you're saying.

'I as parent/We as parents want to impose boundaries about what you and your friend may - or may not - want to do with your body/bodies.'

As a teenager you become increasingly aware that your body is yours and that the decisions you want to make are your own. Conversations about what to do with who are - realistically - more likely to take place with friends/peers.

I think if a relationship was a very new one and I had a sense that things were going very fast and/or that a child of mine might be getting steamrollered into activities that the law said they couldn't consent to, I would be concerned and would try and talk about my concerns.

More generally when teenagers have their mates round there's an issue about how much they are a guest of the house and how much they are an individual guest. So I'd expect anyone who visited to make some minimal polite chat. Or if they were joining a family meal to do a bit more than that.

Thank you Raven. He certainly isn't the devil, he's joined us for a few meals now and seems lovely. Have also heard positive things about him from my friends which is reassuring. Doesn't mean he isn't your typical hormone riddled teen boy though, I know

I am very pleasantly surprised that DD is this open with me as I certainly wasn't with my Mum. I'm really not trying to play the Cool Mum card at all but doing my best to be very matter of fact and reasoned about the whole girl + boy thing.

Evergreen I totally agree with having a dynamic that ensures everyone in the family feels comfortable with the situation. DD is very easy going and is happy to go with the flow, so doesn't mind leaving her door wide open, or DD2 popping in. She's also happy to hang out in the other living room once it's finished, so that's probably for the best.

Just like 14 year old girls, 14 year old boys are not emotionally ready for sex and they do not understand the consequences and the consequences of relationships and teenage pregnancy, though different, are just as heavy on a boy as a girl.

Just to be clear, this is not a recommendation to the OP as to what she should or should not do (there have been plenty of comments about that already) but I think the statement is interesting in it's own right.

Assuming the statement to be true - and I have no evidence either way but 35 years of working with teenagers suggests it is true, then the question we should surely be asking is why?

Why is there a discrepancy between what young people are physiologically capable of (sex and the reproductive consequences of sex) and their emotional ability to cope with it? Has evolution failed?

Or has society failed to come to terms with the fact that young people will have (in most cases) completed puberty by their early teens and thus provide suitable support prior? And is it even possible to develop emotional maturity earlier, in an educational sense?

Just something to think about.

Has evolution failed?

No, genes ‘want’ to reproduce and don’t care whether the organism is happy about it. Concealed ovulation in humans is a genetic response to us not wanting babies but wanting sex. Evolution ‘succeeds’ when 14 yo children have babies. Depressing, but true.

What do people who don’t allow boys in girls’ rooms do about same sex relationships and opposite sex friendships?

I've always wondered why we 'come into season' every damn month but most mammals only do a couple of times a year?

Just something to think about

Thanks for that. I'll be pondering that while I'm doing the dinner.

What do people who don’t allow boys in girls’ rooms do about same sex relationships and opposite sex friendships?

I don't see a problem MrsTerryPratchett Relationships of all kinds are difficult at any age but particularly when you are 14. That goes for any kind of relationship - sexual or friendship - regardless of the sex or sexual orientation of the people involved.

You've made me remember a teenage friendship I had that I distanced myself from. I was 17 and still at school and made great friends with a male gay classmate. We were obviously not drawn to each other sexually but liked fashion and music. However, he turned out to be not a good friend in that he asked a great deal more of me in emotional terms than a person of 17 should be asked to give.

Not related to his being gay - I could have had a friendship with a straight girl that turned out to be too intense - but the point I'm making is that even at 17 I needed my parents' advice to extricate myself because I was completely out of my depth. They weren't heavy handed or cruel. They told me how to withdraw and how to stand firm against emotional blackmail because they were the adults and knew what to do and I was still a child - almost.

That's sometimes a parent's job. Not that kind of macho shit about parading with a golf club or wittering about how cool you are with them snogging on the bean bag because your daughter has promised she won't have sex until after her GCSEs.

It's about making decisions that might make your child hate you in the short term. That's what I meant when I said it was a really hard line to tread.

I think intense same sex friendships are far harder to deal with than budding heterosexuality. You can't blithely talk about the age of consent and dangers of babies. But the way in which a same sex friend can exert a huge emotional influence is very difficult to deal with. My daughter had a very needy and demanding best friend for years. It's only recently that my daugher has started to distance herself a little.

I should have also added familial relationships. Probably the most difficult to negotiate of all. If you can't trust your parents to help you make wise decisions about those and wider relationships then you're not exactly fucked but you are at a serious disadvantage

FunderAnna I don't agree that one type of relationship is more difficult to deal with another. They can all have their problems. That's why parents should be helping their children to negotiate them. Otherwise they will turn into adults who can't deal with relationships either.

To be honest I think you have the right attitude. I had a very strict upbringing particularly where boys were concerned this did not matter. You don't need to be in a bedroom to have sex. I think it depends on the person and how sex and relationships have been portrayed to them. I think this has a huge influence on when they become sexually active.

I think children observe a lot about their parents' relationship/s. So if their parents treat each other (and/or their new partners) with affection and respect that counts for a lot. From my own upbringing I'd also suggest that if children are happy at home and feel loved and valued there, it's less likely that they'll want to engage in early sexual activity in the hope of finding the affection they're missing so badly.

Also if childen/young people want to talk about their friendships and relationships it's important to listen. And maybe offer a few suggestions without rushing into laying down the law.

We are going through this at the moment with ds14. He's been with his gf for 10 months, she has been coming here since the beginning, they have been allowed in the second reception room used for Xbox/TV (never allowed in bedroom) sometimes they watch films with eldest DS (19) and girlfriend.
We are always popping in and out but have let door be closed but a few months ago became uncomfortable with the intensity of relationship so I sat with DS and had the underage and against the law chat and he'd said they'd not done anything but his face told me something different! Fast forward this week and I found condoms in his room, I was devastated and angry that they'd quite probably done it whilst we were in the next room. It took me a few day's to calm down enough not to have him by the throat but DH and myself sat down with the two of them and had quite a frank discussion about the law, consent, the repercussions of unplanned pregnancy and the emotional feelings that they don't need to be going through in their GCSE year. I've told them that I won't stop his gf from coming here but the door to this room and our living room will be kept open, no blankets to be over them (she used to bring one in her bag) said she was cold! I don't know if they will do it elsewhere but it won't be in my house, she is 15 in 6 weeks and my DS 15 in 12 weeks.
Gf has quite an unstable homelife and has said in the past how she wishes she had a "normal" family. I just hope I've done the right thing but think trying to stop them seeing each other would make them more devious.

No. Mine are 19 and 22. FS has had a girlfriend, same one since he was 17. She stayed the night then with her parent's permission.

At 14/15 Mine thankfully were playing cricket and doing piano practice.

Much too early and certainly no bedrooms.