Both teens at uni in sept ... and we really want to move house ..

[ginorwine]

I posted about this on aibu as we were wondering if it was fair to move house when ds is 2o and dd is 18 and both would really want us to stay in the family home when they are at uni so that they can come back to their long term family home ,see friends plus easily get work over the summer .
Dh and I have seen amazing long term home 17c cottage with view over sea in quite an isolated area . Dh really loves it .
I think the cottage is amazing and not many are in our price range there and we can only afford it as owner open to low offer due to personal circumstance s .
My dh can't quite retire yet as we want to support dc Thro uni and he has suggested that we buy the cottage but stay here in a Caravan ( rents too high if paying mortgage on the cottage ) and visit as much as can . He then wants to retire next summer which will mean ds has had 2 out of three years support at uni and dd one but from his pension lump sum give her the equivalent support that ds will have had (6k)
So this sorted practically .
The issue that is greatly worrying me is that the dc wd want us to stay here for continuity , sense of home and their friends as well as ability to get summer jobs . Ds at home from uni at mo and he is having great time seeing pals .

I'm really upset at the possibility of them not being able to come home and then poss be lonely in the new place say in a long summer , but at the same time I realise that the cottage is a long term life choice . I feel it is selfish as a parent to go for the cottage and affect my dc .. but if we lose the cottage .. and im going in circles here . I don't want to be at the cottage feeling guilty and bad about things - it wd spoil it . Delaying the actual move from our city is my suggestion - tho dh n I wd be in the caravan we cd pay for a holiday let for couple weeks of the summer in our city .. then they cd have time in cottage ..?
Wisdom please .
My instinct is to provide for dc and stay but dh has said some dc have had worse and tho it may unsettle them we shd thknk of ourselves ?
If I shd do that please tell he how to convince myself !!

Just read some more of your responses. I hate the sort that say - I suffered and coped so just do it. Why would someone decide to inflict something on their children when they don't have to. Of course people cope in adversity, on the whole. That doesn't prove that every decision is right.

I don't like the term "snowflakes" either - that's insulting to people whose children may be genuinely struggling to cope due to mental health issues etc. Anyway what's odd about a caring parent wanting to support their child beyond 18? I know many senile mature adults who live or have lived with their parents well into their twenties or even thirties for financial or other reasons. They're not dependent semi children. They are mature enough to lead independent lives and make an adult relationship with their parents work. I wouldn't have done it and only lived with my parents for a few months aged 23 as it was the best option at the time, but everyone is different and times have changed.

Personally I think the OP's decision making is being skewed by the idea of this "dream house" and there are a huge range of other factors that need to be taken into account - not all related to her children.

Oops - sensible not senile! !!!

Do it! You'll regret it if you have a child like me who buggered off to uni and barely looked back. They'll soon be driving (if not already), be perfectly able to get public transport and arrange time staying at friend's houses.

Sindance
What other factors do you mean ? Thanks

So many people particularly men die unexpectedly early do what YOU both want. Your kids have left home now. They are starting their journey and for your DHs health I don't think you have a choice.

The home they grew up in already sold. So the deed is all but done. Stop faffing about before you lose your dream too.

Leaving aside the DC, you say it's isolated, and you have a good network where you are. Not to be morbid but what if your DH suddenly died, leaving you on your own somewhere he wanted to be but away from your friends, network etc? I've known lots of men in stressful jobs die shortly after retirement.

My DSis and I were talking just tonight about how we still resent our parents moving away when we were late teens - I'm now late 50s and she's early 60s!! We felt dumped, had no safety net, no spontaneous visits home.

I know a lot of users are posting on here about resenting their parents for moving, but I'm going to be controversial and post the opposite

I'm 20 years old, currently about to go into my third year of university (don't ask why I'm on mumsnet, it's strangely addictive...). My uni is about a 4 hour drive/3 hour train journey from my parents home, so I normally only visit home for a long weekend in reading week and in the main holidays. Hopefully I can give you an answer from your kids perspective!

My parents decided this summer that they wanted to move. It's something they've been talking about for years, but last month they found a house and fell in love with it. There were a few complications with buying it/selling ours, but it luckily all went through. I know my mum would have been heartbroken if she didn't get it, it's really her dream home. They're both really excited, and moving 2nd week of sept.

Here's the catch- I'm going into my third year of uni, but I've chosen to do it on a study exchange. I'm leaving in september to go a different continent (!) to study for a year. This means that not only am I leaving the country, but I'm leaving the house I grew up in forever. I won't see the new house for a year. It's a weird feeling, but I absolutely don't resent my parents in any way shape or form. If anything, I'd feel even guiltier knowing that my parents have given up something they wanted so much to keep me happy.

Obviously it hasn't happened yet, so there is a chance that my feelings will different when it actually happens, but I doubt it. I'm an adult. Your children are adults. If they want to see their home town/friends, they can visit for a weekend. There's always going to be a connection with your childhood home, but it's going to be sad at any age (my dad was moody as hell when my grandparents sold their home, and he was mid-forties!)

also, have you actually spoken to your dc about this? Or are you just assuming they'll be unhappy in your new place? Please give us young people a bit more credit- we're a lot more mature/less selfish than you think!

hope I helped (and sorry for the long post!)

If you were working class and renting flats, we wouldn't be having this conversation. Because you wouldn't have a choice to move if your landlord raised the rent or you lost your job. This idea of a home forever is all well and good if you're middle class or own Tudor mansion. It doesn't reflect the reality of many families who don't have this choice.

I started uni at 19. I also had a two year old so this idea that parents had to keep putting their lives on hold until the youngest child is 25 floors me. My eldest daughter is at uni. I live in a big city but she got a better paying job in the town where attends university. She's in her third year of a language degree and is currently on the other side of the planet. It was a huge move for her but part of parenting is about giving children the skills to take on the world. A 21 year old with no history of mental illness shouldn't need to be in the 'family home' to feel loved. That should be a given. And, they should be able to maintain friendships even if they live in different places.

The real question here is: what do you want to do? I can see your husband's position, but I don't hear your voice.